By Kevin Todd Brough, M.A., AMFT, CCHt · Program Director, Balance Health Systems

We usually think of stress as something big: a diagnosis, a divorce, a lost job. But some of the heaviest stress most of us carry never makes headlines. It is the unpaid bill in the drawer, the conversation we keep avoiding, the garage we can’t park in, the promise we didn’t keep, the hurt we never grieved. One at a time, they seem small. Together, they wear down the body and the mind day after day.

I call them Peace Stealers. I know them well because, in the late 1990s, I carried a long, long list of them every single day. That load was one of the biggest forces behind my addiction. I needed some way to numb the pain of carrying it.

What finally changed things for me was a near-death experience, and with it what I can only call the Clean Up. The peace that came as that load was lifted was enormous. It changed my life, and it has since changed the lives of many people I’ve worked with as they discovered how valuable peace really is. The Prince of Peace had to teach me. This article explains how you can begin that Clean Up yourself, and why your health depends on it more than you might think.

Your Body Keeps a Running Tab

Neuroscientist Bruce McEwen (1998) gave us a name for what happens when stress piles up: allostatic load. Our stress systems are built to switch on, handle a challenge, and switch off. When demands keep coming without resolution, those systems stay partly switched on. Over time, that constant activation wears on the heart, the immune system, blood sugar regulation, sleep, and mood.

Here is the part most people miss. The stressor doesn’t have to be happening right now to keep the body activated. Researchers Jos Brosschot, William Gerin, and Julian Thayer (2006) described the perseverative cognition hypothesis: worrying, ruminating, and replaying unresolved problems keep stress physiology running long after the moment has passed. It shows up in heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormones. A Peace Stealer you are thinking about at 2 a.m. is a Peace Stealer your body is still paying for.

Even our surroundings count. In one study, women who described their homes as cluttered or full of unfinished projects had flatter daily cortisol patterns, a less healthy stress-hormone rhythm, and more depressed mood as the day went on (Saxbe & Repetti, 2010).

Unfinished Business and the Hidden Cost of Secrets

Our minds don’t let go of open loops easily. Psychologists E. J. Masicampo and Roy Baumeister (2011) found that unfinished goals keep pushing into our thoughts and pulling attention away from whatever we are trying to do. The encouraging part: simply making a specific plan for the unfinished goal quieted those intrusions, even before the task was done.

Secrets work the same way, only heavier. In a series of studies, Michael Slepian and colleagues (2017) found that the burden of a secret comes mostly from how often the mind returns to it. The more often people’s minds wandered to their secrets, the lower their well-being. Decades earlier, James Pennebaker’s research on holding back disclosure linked keeping significant experiences bottled up with more health problems, and opening up about them in writing with fewer health-center visits (Pennebaker & Beall, 1986). People living in duality really can become sick from their secrets.

Why We Reach for Something to Numb It

At Balance Health Systems, we look at behavior through a biology-first, compassion-forward lens. Psychiatrist Edward Khantzian’s (1997) self-medication hypothesis proposed that many people are drawn to substances less for pleasure than for relief from suffering they can’t otherwise manage. Addiction researchers George Koob and Michel Le Moal (2001) showed how repeated use then reshapes the brain’s stress and reward systems, so that people increasingly use to escape distress rather than to feel good.

That was my story. And the same pattern shows up far beyond alcohol and drugs. It shows up as endless scrolling, stress eating, overworking, and staying so busy we never have to feel anything. When the load gets heavy enough, the nervous system looks for relief. This is not a character flaw. It is a nervous system under too much load. The hopeful news is that when we lighten the load, much of the pressure to numb it eases too.

Clear the Space, and Peace Moves In

In Love Is Letting Go of Fear, psychiatrist Gerald Jampolsky (1979) taught that peace of mind isn’t something we add to our lives. It is what remains when we let go of the fear that crowds it out. When we create a space for peace, love, joy, happiness, fun, and playfulness can come into it. The same promise was given long ago: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (King James Bible, 1769/2017, John 14:27).

Positive psychology backs this up. Barbara Fredrickson’s (2001) broaden-and-build research shows that positive emotions widen our attention and, over time, build lasting resources: resilience, connection, and health. Clearing Peace Stealers makes room for those emotions, and filling the space with them on purpose helps keep it clear.

Five Ways to Start Your Own Clean Up Tonight

1. Empty it all out. Write down everything stealing your peace, big or small, practical or deeply personal. Seeing it on paper is often the first relief.
2. Write tomorrow’s list before bed. In a sleep-lab study, people who spent five minutes writing a specific to-do list before bed fell asleep faster than people who wrote about what they had already finished (Scullin et al., 2018). Getting it out of your head and onto paper tells your brain it can let go for the night.
3. Turn one worry into one plan. Pick a single item and name the very next physical action, plus when and where you will do it: “If it’s Monday at noon, then I’ll call the shop.” If-then plans like this reliably improve follow-through (Gollwitzer & Sheeran, 2006).
4. Start small to build momentum. Clear one quick win first: a drawer, a bill, a text you’ve been avoiding. In a study of real consumer debt, people who paid off small balances first were more likely to eventually clear all their debt (Gal & McShane, 2012). Visible progress builds the energy for harder things.
5. Sort what’s yours from what isn’t. Act on what you can change, and practice releasing what you can’t. People who match their response to what is actually within their control adjust better to stress (Cheng et al., 2014). It’s the Serenity Prayer, now backed by a meta-analysis.

Some Things Can’t Wait

Not every Peace Stealer should wait its turn. If something could bring legal trouble, destroy an important relationship, or put your health or life at serious risk, it goes to the top of the list. That includes things we are doing that need to stop, and things we are neglecting that need to be faced: the symptom never checked, the court date ignored, the taxes not filed.

One important health note: if what needs to stop is regular heavy use of alcohol or certain medications, such as benzodiazepines, please talk with a medical provider before you stop. Stopping suddenly can be dangerous, and safe withdrawal is part of a good plan.

Approach this step with guilt, not shame. Research by June Tangney and colleagues (2007) shows that guilt (“I did a bad thing”) tends to move us toward repair, while shame (“I am bad”) pushes us to hide. Guilt can be a compass that points the way home.

The Deeper Work

Some Peace Stealers aren’t tasks at all. They are old hurts, beliefs about what we deserve, and stories about who we must be to be loved. Those are best worked through with support, and a good therapist can help. Forgiveness work is often the doorway. Across many studies, structured forgiveness interventions reliably reduce resentment and increase hope, and more time spent in the work brings greater benefit (Wade et al., 2014). Letting go of an old hurt isn’t excusing it. It is refusing to let it keep stealing your peace and your health.

Try the Full Process

I built The Peace Building Process™ as a free, private, step-by-step tool that walks you through all of this. You list your Peace Stealers, sort them into nine Clearing Types, weigh what each one costs, choose a clearing strategy that fits you, and clear them one at a time. At the end, you get a printable Peace Plan with practical Valued Actions for the next three months and a list of deeper items to bring to your therapist. Everything stays on your device.

I carried my list for years before I learned I didn’t have to. You don’t have to either. Name what’s stealing your peace, take one step, and then invite in what you’ve been missing: love, joy, laughter, play, and rest. Peace isn’t a luxury. It’s the ground health grows in.

Kevin Brough is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Ascend Counseling & Wellness in St. George, Utah, and the founder of VisionLogic Therapeutic Tools and the LifeScaping System.

This article is educational and not a substitute for professional care. If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988 (U.S.) for immediate support, or call 911 in an emergency.

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References

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