What Do You Really Want? Step Through Your Self-Imposed Limitations
As a counselor, I’ve witnessed countless individuals struggle with a simple question: “What do you really want?” This deceptively straightforward inquiry often reveals layers of internal barriers that keep us from pursuing our authentic desires and living fulfilling lives.
The Two Questions That Change Everything
Success coach Michael Neill (2023) suggests that all personal transformation boils down to two essential questions:
- What do you want?
- What stops you?
While these questions appear simple, the answers often reveal complex psychological patterns rooted in our unconscious beliefs and learned behaviors.
Why “What Do You Want?” It Is So Hard to Answer
Many clients come to me unable to articulate their genuine desires. This difficulty isn’t laziness or lack of self-awareness—it results from deep-seated psychological barriers. Virginia Satir (1988), one of the founding figures of family therapy, identified how early family dynamics create “life positions” that determine our sense of worth and possibility.
Common barriers include:
- Fear of disappointment: “If I don’t want it, I can’t be hurt by not getting it.”
- Unworthiness beliefs: “I don’t deserve what I really want.”
- Social conditioning: “Good people don’t want selfish things.”
- Fear of success: “What if getting what I want changes me in ways I don’t like?”
The Script That Writes Your Life
Fritz Perls (1973), founder of Gestalt therapy, introduced how we internalize “scripts” that govern our behavior. These scripts—collections of beliefs, assumptions, and behavioral patterns—are formed through various learning mechanisms:
Primary Learning Channels
- Direct Experience: Our first-hand encounters shape our understanding of what’s possible (Bandura, 1977)
- Behavioral Conditioning: We repeat behaviors that receive positive reinforcement (Skinner, 1974)
- Social Modeling: We unconsciously adopt the beliefs and behaviors of those around us (Bandura, 1986)
- Hypnotic Suggestion: Repeated messages, particularly from authority figures, become deeply embedded (Erickson, 1980)
Milton Erickson’s groundbreaking work in clinical hypnosis revealed how our unconscious mind processes and stores these experiences, creating automatic patterns that influence every aspect of our lives (Haley, 1973).
The Power of Limiting Beliefs
Research in cognitive psychology demonstrates that our beliefs shape our reality (Beck, 1976).
Gregory Bateson’s (1972) work on systems thinking shows how these belief systems create self-perpetuating cycles—when we believe something is impossible, we unconsciously gather evidence to support that belief.
The most common limiting beliefs I encounter in practice include:
- “I’m not smart/talented/worthy enough.”
- “Success isn’t meant for people like me.”
- “If I succeed, I’ll lose connection with others.”
- “I need to struggle to deserve good things.”
Transforming Your Inner Script
The good news? These scripts aren’t permanent. We can rewrite our internal programming based on the principles established by pioneers like Robert Dilts (1990) and Chloe Madanes (1990). Here’s how:
Clarifying Questions for Self-Discovery
- What would you want if failure weren’t possible?
- What would you pursue if you knew others’ approval wasn’t necessary?
- How would your life look if you woke up tomorrow with your deepest desires fulfilled?
- What are you afraid would happen if you got what you truly want?
The Mirror Technique
One powerful exercise examines the question: “How are you already getting exactly what you want?” Often, our current circumstances reflect unconscious desires for safety, familiarity, or avoiding responsibility—even when we consciously claim to want something different.
Beyond Belief: Your Authentic Self
Marianne Williamson’s observation resonates deeply: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” This fear of our own power often keeps us playing small, stuck in scripts written by others rather than authors of our own stories.
Taking the First Step
Recognizing these patterns is the beginning of transformation. If you find yourself stuck in old scripts, unable to clarify what you truly want, or paralyzed by limiting beliefs, remember that change is possible. Sometimes the most courageous act is reaching out for support.
At Ascend Counseling and Wellness in Southern Utah, we create a safe space to explore these deep questions without judgment. Together, we can identify the scripts that no longer serve you and begin writing a new story that honors your authentic desires and unlocks your true potential.
Your journey toward clarity and fulfillment begins with a question: What do you really want? The answer may surprise you.
Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com
References
Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice-Hall.
Bandura, A. (1986). Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Prentice-Hall.
Bateson, G. (1972). Steps to an ecology of mind. Ballantine Books.
Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. International Universities Press.
Dilts, R. (1990). Changing belief systems with NLP. Meta Publications.
Erickson, M. H. (1980). The collected papers of Milton H. Erickson on hypnosis (Vol. 1-4). Irvington Publishers.
Haley, J. (1973). Uncommon therapy: The psychiatric techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D. Norton.
Madanes, C. (1990). Sex, love, and violence: Strategies for transformation. Norton.
Neill, M. (2023). The inside-out revolution. Hay House.
Perls, F. (1973). The Gestalt approach and eye witness to therapy. Science and Behavior Books.
Satir, V. (1988). The new peoplemaking. Science and Behavior Books.
Skinner, B. F. (1974). About behaviorism. Knopf.
Contact Ascend Counseling and Wellness to begin your transformation journey, for support in clarifying your desires and overcoming limiting beliefs.
Kevin Brough / Ascend Counseling and Wellness / 435.688.1111
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