relationships

July 17, 2025

The Best Positive Solution for Parenting

Building Emotionally Intelligent Children: Where Gottman Meets The Parenting Pyramid

As parents, we’re constantly seeking frameworks that help us raise children who are not only successful but genuinely happy and emotionally healthy. Two powerful approaches have shaped my understanding of effective parenting: John Gottman’s research on emotional intelligence in children and The Arbinger Institute’s revolutionary Parenting Pyramid. When combined, these methodologies create a comprehensive roadmap for nurturing emotionally intelligent, self-aware children.

The Foundation: Understanding Our Own Heart

The Arbinger Institute’s Parenting Pyramid places “heart” at its foundation – the recognition that our internal state as parents fundamentally shapes our children’s development. This aligns perfectly with Gottman’s emphasis on parents becoming “emotion coaches” for their children. Before we can guide our children through their emotional landscape, we must first examine our own.

When we’re in what Arbinger calls the “box” – viewing our children as objects rather than people – we unconsciously transmit this energy to them. Our children sense when we see them as problems to be solved, projects to be completed, or reflections of our own success or failure. This objectifying mindset creates emotional distance and prevents the very connection that Gottman identifies as essential for emotional coaching.

The path forward requires us to step out of the box and see our children as whole people with their own hopes, fears, dreams, and legitimate needs. This shift in perspective creates the emotional safety necessary for authentic connection and learning.

The Framework: Gottman’s Emotion Coaching

Gottman’s research reveals that emotionally intelligent children have parents who serve as emotion coaches. These parents follow a five-step process:

  1. Becoming aware of emotions – both their own and their children’s
  2. Recognizing emotions as opportunities for connection and teaching
  3. Listening empathetically and validating their child’s feelings
  4. Helping children label emotions and understand their emotional vocabulary
  5. Setting limits while problem-solving together

This process only works when built on the foundation of genuine care for our children as people, not just as recipients of our parenting techniques.

The Integration: Seeing Through Clear Eyes

When we combine these approaches, we discover that effective emotional coaching requires us to be “out of the box” in our fundamental orientation toward our children. Consider this scenario:

Your eight-year-old comes home from school upset because a friend excluded them from a group activity. If we’re in the box, we might:

  • Immediately jump to problem-solving mode
  • Minimize their feelings (“You’re being too sensitive”)
  • Make it about us (“This reflects poorly on how I’ve raised you”)
  • Focus on changing the child rather than understanding them

But when we’re out of the box, seeing our child as a person with legitimate feelings, we can engage in authentic emotion coaching:

Awareness: We notice our child’s emotional state and our own reaction to it.

Opportunity: We recognize this as a chance to deepen our connection and help our child develop emotional skills.

Empathy: We listen fully, validating their experience: “That sounds really hurtful. It makes sense that you’d feel left out.”

Labeling: We help them identify and articulate their emotions: “It sounds like you’re feeling disappointed and maybe a little angry too.”

Problem-solving: Together, we explore ways to handle similar situations in the future while maintaining appropriate boundaries.

The Transformation: From Technique to Relationship

The magic happens when we realize that emotional intelligence isn’t something we teach our children – it’s something we model and co-create with them. When our hearts are right, when we genuinely see our children as people worthy of respect and understanding, the techniques become natural expressions of our care rather than manipulative tools.

This integration requires us to:

Examine our motivations regularly: Are we emotion coaching because we genuinely want to help our child, or because we want to appear like good parents? The energy behind our actions matters more than the actions themselves.

Practice self-regulation: We cannot teach emotional intelligence while we’re emotionally dysregulated. Taking time to center ourselves before engaging with our children’s emotions is crucial.

Embrace the learning process: Both we and our children are learning to navigate emotions together. Perfection isn’t the goal – connection and growth are.

The Daily Practice: Small Moments, Big Impact

Emotional intelligence develops through countless small interactions rather than grand gestures. When we maintain an out-of-the-box heart toward our children, we naturally create more opportunities for emotional coaching:

  • The bedtime routine becomes a time for emotional check-ins
  • Car rides transform into safe spaces for sharing feelings
  • Conflicts become opportunities for teaching rather than battles to be won
  • Mistakes become learning moments rather than failures

The Long-term Vision: Raising Emotionally Intelligent Adults

When we consistently approach our children from this integrated perspective, we’re not just helping them manage their current emotions – we’re building the foundation for their future relationships, their resilience in facing life’s challenges, and their capacity to make meaningful contributions to the world.

Children who grow up with parents who see them clearly and coach them emotionally develop:

  • Strong self-awareness and emotional vocabulary
  • Healthy relationship skills
  • Resilience in facing difficulties
  • Empathy for others
  • Confidence in their ability to navigate life’s complexities

The Invitation: Start Where You Are

You don’t need to be perfect to begin this journey. Start by examining your own heart. In your next interaction with your child, pause and ask yourself: “Am I seeing them as a person right now, or as a problem to be solved?” Let that awareness guide you toward more authentic connection.

Remember, the goal isn’t to raise children who never feel difficult emotions – it’s to raise children who can navigate their emotional world with wisdom, compassion, and resilience. When we combine the clear vision of an out-of-the-box heart with the practical tools of emotion coaching, we create the conditions for our children to thrive emotionally and relationally.

The path to raising emotionally intelligent children begins with our own transformation. As we learn to see our children clearly and coach them with genuine care, we discover that we’re not just shaping their emotional development – we’re deepening our own capacity for love, understanding, and authentic connection.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111

April 26, 2025

Strive for Second Order Change

First and Second Order Change

(Gregory Bateson interpreted by Kevin Brough, 2015)


First Order Change (Note: Pressure goes down at first)
1. Do more or less of something to decrease pressure—a BEHAVIOR CHANGE.
2. Underlying conflict not identified nor resolved
3. Nothing significant and new is learned
4. Efforts bring temporary relief, yet pressure/discomfort returns to the previous level (because the underlying conflict is not named and worked with to loosen its grip on the present moment.)
5. Old Story Still Told and still can’t talk about underlying conflicts that are causing the pressure, and “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” continues to be the story told.

(Note: In first-order change, "pressure" is the enemy, and it is decreased by just moving it around and around to different places within the closed system of marriage---through denial, lying, and controlling (fight, flight, freeze, fawn).

Second Order Change (Note: Pressure goes up at first) TRANSFORMATION — A change in capacity
1. A CHANGE IN THE FOUNDATIONAL AND FUNDAMENTAL Point of View that relooks at all things. A DEVELOPMENTAL CHANGE that supports actions that match more of what is occurring NOW.
2. Identify and address the underlying conflict. Destructive Double Bind is diffused by talking about what is happening and the double bind of “damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” Talking about it, while tolerating the discomfort without criticism and absolute blame, it starts to ease the bind, making room for identifying and addressing the underlying conflict.
3. Learn significant and new things (to address the newly defined underlying conflict.
4. Define and choose who you want to be in this situation FROM THIS NEW WAY OF SEEING THINGS (from WHAT IS NEEDED instead of letting the reaction choose for you). — this is the difference between a behavior change and TRANSFORMATION.
5. The New Story (narrative) can now begin to be told about the same perpetual situations experienced with NEW CLARITY and compassionately and talked about in kinder, yet sometimes more uncomfortable, ways.

(Note: In second-order change, "pressure/discomfort” is more immediate, but its intent is a friendly urge/force that is consciously used to transform the people and the relationship into something entirely new, often surprising to both people---for the better that is anchored in NOW and not just changing words around or putting new labels on old things. It is a fundamental development that leads to growth into maturity and awareness).
———-
Communication improves when the underlying uncomfortable conflicts are discovered, acknowledged, and addressed in a significantly different ongoing manner.
Second-order change involves doing something significantly or fundamentally different from what you have done before. The process is usually irreversible, and once you begin, returning to how you were doing things before becomes impossible.

The Difference Between First and Second-Order Change in Marriage According to Gregory Bateson

Gregory Bateson, a pioneer in systems theory, introduced concepts that offer profound insights into the dynamics of relationships, including marriage. One of his foundational ideas is the distinction between first-order and second-order change. In marriage, first-order change refers to adjustments or modifications made within an existing framework without fundamentally altering the underlying system. These changes tend to be superficial or temporary and often maintain the status quo. For instance, a couple may agree to argue less but fail to address the deeper reasons behind their conflicts. While first-order changes can provide immediate relief, they are unlikely to lead to long-lasting transformation in the relationship.

In contrast, second-order change involves a fundamental shift in the framework or structure of the relationship itself. This change challenges existing patterns, beliefs, and assumptions, leading to a transformative reorganization of the marital system. For example, instead of merely agreeing to communicate better, a couple might engage in therapy to uncover and address the emotional wounds and patterns that drive their conflicts. Second-order change requires deeper introspection, vulnerability, and a willingness to embrace discomfort for the sake of growth. While it demands more effort and commitment, it often results in a more resilient and fulfilling relationship.

The impact of these changes differs significantly. First-order changes can create the illusion of progress while underlying issues remain unaddressed, potentially leading to frustration and stagnation. Second-order changes, however, foster authentic growth by addressing core dynamics and promoting new ways of relating. Couples who achieve second-order change often feel more connected, empowered, and aligned in their shared goals and values. 

Bateson’s distinction underscores the importance of moving beyond surface-level fixes to engage in meaningful transformation.
Understanding the difference between these types of change can guide couples in navigating challenges. They can take deliberate steps toward second-order transformation by recognizing when first-order changes are insufficient. This may involve seeking professional guidance, practicing self-awareness, and cultivating a mindset of curiosity and openness. Ultimately, embracing second-order change can lead to a more adaptive, harmonious, and enduring partnership.


Five Examples of First-Order Change Conversations
1.	Scenario: "Let’s set a rule to never go to bed angry."
        Explanation: The couple agrees on a behavioral guideline but does
           not explore the underlying emotions fueling their arguments.
	Relationship Impact: Temporary improvement, as unresolved feelings may
           resurface later.
2.	Scenario: "We’ll take turns doing the dishes."
	Explanation: A practical adjustment to household duties without addressing
           potential resentment or inequality.
	Relationship Impact: Reduces conflict in the short term but may not resolve
           deeper power dynamics.
3.	Scenario: "Let’s spend Saturday nights together instead of with friends."
	Explanation: Increases time together but does not address the quality of
           connection.
	Relationship Impact: Boosts companionship briefly but may leave emotional
           needs unmet.
4.	Scenario: "I’ll stop checking my phone during dinner."
	Explanation: A behavioral change without exploring why disconnection occurs.
	Relationship Impact: It may improve moments of presence but doesn’t foster
           deeper intimacy.
5.	Scenario: "Let’s schedule weekly date nights."
	Explanation: Creates structure for time together but doesn’t address 
           relational patterns.
	Relationship Impact: Strengthens routine but might not deepen emotional
           bonds.


Five Examples of Second-Order Change Conversations
1.	Scenario: "Why do we argue so much? Let’s explore this in therapy."
	Explanation: Seeks to uncover and address the root causes of conflict.
	Relationship Impact: Facilitates deeper understanding and long-term
           resolution.
2.	Scenario: "How can we create a shared vision for our future?"
	Explanation: Invites collaboration on long-term goals and values.
	Relationship Impact: Strengthens alignment and commitment.
3.	Scenario: "I’ve realized I need to work on my emotional triggers. Will you
           support me?"
	Explanation: I think it shows personal growth areas and asks for
           partnership.
	Relationship Impact: Encourages mutual vulnerability and growth.
4.	Scenario: "Let’s learn how to listen to each other without defensiveness."
	Explanation: Focuses on transforming communication patterns.
	Relationship Impact: Builds trust and emotional safety.
5.	Scenario: "What beliefs about marriage are we holding that might be limiting
           us?"
	Explanation: Questions assumptions to enable paradigm shifts.
	Relationship Impact: Opens new possibilities for connection and growth.

Cheers!! To Second Order Changes. KB

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

December 2, 2014

Attachment Style

Why do Attachment Styles affect our relationships?

Experience with early caregivers forms a working model, or RELATIONSHIP SCHEMA that impacts later relationships.

Secure Working Model

  • Others are dependable, trustworthy, and supportive (benefit of the doubt).
  • I am worthy of other people’s support and love.

62% are SECURELY ATTACHED:

As a Child

  • Mother as a safe base.
  • Upset when she leaves.
  • Go to her lovingly when she returns.

As an Adult

I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.

Insecure Working Model

  • Others are expected to be undependable, untrustworthy, and UN-supportive.
  • I am unworthy of other people’s support and love.

23% are AVOIDANT:

As a Child

  • Initially do not seek proximity to the mother.
  • Very little distress upon separation.
  • Avoid/ignore her when she returns.

As an Adult

I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.

15% are RESISTANT (AMBIVALENT):

As a Child

  • Preoccupied with mother (Clingy).
  • Great distress when the mother leaves
  • Simultaneously seek close contact but also hit and kick (punishment).

As an Adult

I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.

HMMM? Something to think about.

Awareness provides fertile ground for Transformation!