personal-growth

January 16, 2026

The Shadow Dance

The Shadow Dance: Understanding the Hidden Parts That Shape Your Life

Discovering the power of shadow work and mode integration for lasting healing

You’re Not Broken—You’re Just Meeting Your Shadow

Have you ever looked back on something you said or did and thought, “That wasn’t like me at all”? Maybe you snapped at someone you love over something minor. Perhaps you shut down emotionally when you needed connection the most. Or you watched yourself make a choice you knew wasn’t in your best interest, almost as if someone else was controlling your actions.

If you’ve experienced these moments of feeling unlike yourself—where you react in ways that surprise or even frighten you—you’re not alone, and you’re certainly not broken. What you’re experiencing are what I call “shadow modes”—temporary emotional states where disowned or hidden parts of yourself take over, driving behaviors that don’t align with who you truly are or want to be.

I’m Kevin Brough, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Ascend Counseling & Wellness in St. George, Utah, and for over 20 years, I’ve specialized in helping people understand and integrate these shadow aspects. Whether working with individuals struggling with addiction, adolescents in residential treatment, families in crisis, or adults seeking deeper healing, I’ve witnessed the same pattern repeatedly: when triggered, people shift into “dark modes” that lead to unresourceful and destructive patterns that aren’t really them.

The good news? These patterns can change. Through shadow work—specifically through understanding your shadow modes—you can reclaim the parts of yourself you’ve lost, stop repeating painful patterns, and finally feel whole.

What Is the Shadow? A Brief History

The concept of the “shadow” comes from Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, one of the founding figures of modern psychology. Jung discovered that we all possess an unconscious side—a shadow—that contains the parts of ourselves we’ve rejected, denied, or simply didn’t know existed (Jung, 1959). These aren’t just negative qualities; they also include positive traits we’ve been taught to suppress.

Think about it this way: As children, we quickly learn which parts of ourselves are acceptable to our families and which aren’t. If expressing anger led to punishment, anger would go into the shadows. If showing vulnerability brought ridicule, vulnerability gets hidden away. If being too confident was labeled “arrogant,” we learned to dim our light. Over time, these rejected qualities don’t disappear—they just operate outside our conscious awareness, influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in ways we don’t understand.

Jung believed that “Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is” (Jung, 1938, p. 131). In other words, what we refuse to acknowledge only grows stronger in the darkness.

Understanding Shadow Modes: When Your Shadow Takes the Wheel

Here’s where shadow work gets really practical. While Jung discussed the shadow as a general concept, modern psychology—particularly Schema Therapy, developed by Jeffrey Young—introduced the idea of “modes”: distinct emotional states with their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (Young, Klosko, & Weishaar, 2003).

Shadow modes are what happen when your shadow material activates and essentially takes control. These are the moments when you feel unlike yourself because, in a sense, a different part of you has temporarily taken the driver’s seat.

Common shadow modes include:

  • The Wounded Child: The part that feels small, helpless, and overwhelmed when triggered by criticism or rejection
  • The Inner Critic: The harsh voice that attacks you with impossible standards and brutal self-judgment
  • The Detached Observer: The part that shuts down emotionally and goes numb when things feel too intense
  • The Shadow Aggressor: Sudden, explosive anger or aggression that seems out of proportion to what triggered it
  • The People Pleaser: Automatically saying “yes” and abandoning your own needs to avoid conflict or rejection
  • The Perfectionist Driver: The relentless push to achieve, improve, and meet external standards without rest

These modes were developed to protect you. Your Wounded Child learned to collapse to avoid further hurt. Your Inner Critic got there first before others could criticize you. Your Detached Observer protected you from overwhelming emotion. But what once served as survival strategies now creates the very suffering you’re trying to avoid.

The Science Behind Shadow Modes

Modern neuroscience has validated what Jung intuited decades ago. Research shows that trauma and stress create fragmented self-states—essentially different “modes” that operate with their own neural patterns (Van der Kolk, 2014). When these modes activate, your nervous system shifts into different states:

  • Fight response: Shadow Aggressor mode (activated sympathetic nervous system)
  • Flight response: Anxious or panicked modes (high sympathetic activation)
  • Freeze response: Detached Observer mode (dorsal vagal shutdown)
  • Fawn response: People Pleaser mode (managing threat through accommodation)

Dr. Stephen Porges’s Polyvagal Theory explains that these are not choices but automatic nervous system responses to perceived threat (Porges, 2011). Your body remembers past situations and reacts before your conscious mind even registers what’s happening.

This is why simply trying to “think differently” or “control yourself” often doesn’t work. You’re trying to use logic to override a biological protection system that operates below conscious awareness.

How Shadow Work Changes Lives: Real Impact

Over my two decades of working with this model—first in addiction treatment, where I operated small residential centers from 2003-2016, then in adolescent residential treatment for five years, and now at Ascend Counseling & Wellness—I’ve seen shadow work transform countless lives.

Many people we’ve worked with have felt exactly like you might be feeling:

  • Confused about why they keep repeating the same painful patterns
  • Frustrated that they “know better” but still can’t change their behavior
  • Exhausted from fighting with themselves
  • Ashamed of the parts of themselves that come out under stress
  • Stuck in relationships that replay childhood wounds
  • Unable to access their full potential because parts of them remain hidden

They found that shadow work and mode integration were healing and life-changing because:

  • They finally understood why they react the way they do
  • They stopped fighting themselves and started working with all their parts
  • They discovered that their “worst” behaviors were actually protective strategies
  • They reclaimed hidden strengths they didn’t know they had
  • Their relationships improved as they stopped projecting their shadow onto others
  • They experienced a sense of wholeness they’d never felt before

We believe you will find the same transformation possible for you.

The Shadow Dance Assessment: Your Map to Self-Discovery

To help people begin this journey, I developed the Shadow Dance Assessment—a comprehensive tool that reveals your unique shadow patterns and modes. You can take it online at www.visionlogic.org/shadows.html.

This assessment examines multiple dimensions of your shadow:

  • Character patterns: Which qualities have you disowned (both “negative” and “positive”)?
  • Projection patterns: What do you see in others that you can’t see in yourself?
  • Mode triggers: What situations activate your shadow modes?
  • Relational dynamics: How does your shadow show up in relationships?

The assessment generates a personalized profile that shows you:

  1. Your dominant shadow modes
  2. The protective function each mode serves
  3. Triggers that activate these modes
  4. The hidden strengths within your shadow are waiting to be reclaimed

This isn’t about labeling yourself or finding what’s “wrong” with you. It’s about creating a map of your inner landscape so you can navigate it consciously rather than be unconsciously controlled by it.

How Shadow Work Integrates With Trauma-Informed Care

At Ascend Counseling & Wellness, we’ve established a specialized Trauma Counseling Center because we recognize that shadow modes are often trauma responses. Whether you’ve experienced “Big T” trauma (abuse, violence, major loss) or “Little t” trauma (chronic criticism, emotional neglect, family dysfunction), your shadow modes likely developed as creative adaptations to impossible situations.

Our approach integrates shadow work with evidence-based trauma therapies:

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): This powerful therapy helps process the traumatic memories that keep shadow modes activated. When the original wound heals, the protective mode can finally relax (Shapiro, 2018).

Internal Family Systems (IFS): This therapy views the psyche as containing multiple “parts,” much like shadow modes. IFS helps you develop a compassionate relationship with all your parts, understanding that each has valuable wisdom and protective intentions (Schwartz, 2021).

Polyvagal-Informed Therapy: Understanding your nervous system’s role in shadow mode activation helps you develop regulation strategies. You learn to recognize when your nervous system is shifting states and how to guide it back to safety (Porges, 2011).

Somatic Therapy: Shadow modes aren’t just mental—they live in your body. Somatic approaches help release the physical tension and trauma stored in your system, allowing deeper integration (Levine, 1997).

Attachment-Based Therapy: Many shadow modes reflect attachment wounds from early relationships. Healing happens through experiencing corrective relational experiences, both in therapy and in life (Bowlby, 1988).

The Path to Integration: What Healing Looks Like

Shadow work isn’t about eliminating parts of yourself. It’s about integration—bringing what’s been hidden into the light where it can be understood, appreciated, and ultimately transformed.

The healing process typically unfolds in phases:

Phase 1: Awareness

First, you learn to recognize your shadow modes. When do they activate? What do they feel like in your body? What thoughts and behaviors characterize them? The Shadow Dance Assessment jumpstarts this awareness.

Phase 2: Understanding

Next, you explore each mode’s origins and protective function. You might discover that your Inner Critic developed to keep you safe from a critical parent. Your People Pleaser learned that accommodating others prevented abandonment. Your Detached Observer protected you from overwhelming emotion.

Phase 3: Compassion

As you understand why these modes developed, shame transforms into compassion. You recognize that every part of you—even the parts you’ve hated—was trying to help. This shift from self-judgment to self-compassion is often the turning point in healing.

Phase 4: Integration

Finally, you learn to access the wisdom within each mode without being controlled by it. The Wounded Child’s sensitivity becomes healthy vulnerability. The Shadow Aggressor’s power becomes assertive boundary-setting. The Perfectionist’s drive becomes healthy striving with self-compassion.

The CREATE Pause: Your Tool for Change

In the LifeScaping System, I’ve developed over 20 years of clinical work, and I teach clients the THINK → FEEL → CREATE → ACT flow model. Most therapy focuses on changing thoughts (CBT) or processing feelings, but the CREATE step is where real transformation happens.

CREATE is the pause—the moment of conscious awareness between automatic reaction and chosen response. When a shadow mode activates, your system wants to go directly from trigger to automatic reaction. The CREATE pause interrupts this automatic flow, giving you a choice.

Practically, this looks like:

  1. Notice: Your body gives signals when a mode is activated (tension, heat, numbness, etc.).
  2. Name: “I’m in Shadow Aggressor mode” or “My Inner Critic just showed up”
  3. Pause: Take three breaths. Create space between stimulus and response.
  4. Choose: From this aware place, select a response aligned with your values rather than your wound

This simple tool—noticing, naming, pausing, choosing—gives you freedom you’ve never had before. Research shows that this type of metacognitive awareness (thinking about thinking) strengthens the brain regions involved in emotional regulation and reduces reactivity (Tang, Hölzel, & Posner, 2015).

Why Shadow Work Matters for Relationships

Shadow modes don’t just affect you—they profoundly impact your relationships. Here’s what often happens:

Projection: What you can’t see in yourself, you see (often with exaggerated intensity) in others. If you’ve disowned your neediness, you’ll likely judge your partner as “too needy.” If you’ve hidden your anger, you’ll criticize others as “aggressive.”

Complementary patterns: Partners often develop opposite shadow modes that trigger each other. One partner’s Wounded Child activates the other’s Rescuer, which then triggers the first partner’s People Pleaser. These patterns can persist for years, creating chronic relationship distress.

Repetition compulsion: Unintegrated shadow material often leads us to unconsciously recreate childhood dynamics in adult relationships. You marry someone who criticizes you like your father did. You choose partners who abandon you like your mother did. Shadow work helps break these cycles.

Lost intimacy: When you’re disconnected from parts of yourself, you can’t fully connect with another person. True intimacy requires wholeness—being able to show up as your full, authentic self rather than just your “acceptable” parts.

The couples we work with at Ascend consistently report that shadow work transforms their relationships. As each partner integrates their shadow, they stop projecting onto each other and start meeting each other as they truly are.

Shadow Work and Addiction Recovery

Given my extensive background in addiction treatment, I’ve seen firsthand how shadow work is essential for lasting recovery. Addiction often represents the “Impulsive Child” or “Pleasure Seeker” shadow mode—the part that seeks immediate relief from intolerable internal states.

Traditional addiction treatment focuses on stopping the behavior and managing triggers. This is necessary but insufficient. Unless we address the shadow modes driving the addictive behavior—the Wounded Child who feels fundamentally broken, the Inner Critic who generates shame, the Detached Observer who can’t tolerate feeling—relapse remains highly likely.

In the addiction work I did for over 13 years, running small residential treatment centers and working with both addicted individuals and their families, I observed that the most successful recoveries involved shadow integration. Clients who learned to recognize and work with their modes, who reclaimed disowned parts of themselves, and who developed compassion for their protective patterns showed significantly better long-term outcomes than those who only focused on abstinence.

If you’re in recovery or love someone who is, shadow work offers a path to healing the wounds underneath the addiction, making lasting change possible.

What to Expect: Working With Shadow at Ascend Counseling & Wellness

At our new Trauma Counseling Center at Ascend Counseling & Wellness in St. George, we’ve integrated shadow work into a comprehensive, trauma-informed treatment approach. Here’s what working with us looks like:

Initial Assessment: We start with a thorough assessment of your history, current concerns, and treatment goals. Many clients complete the Shadow Dance Assessment (www.visionlogic.org/shadows.html) before or during early sessions to identify key patterns.

Safety and Stabilization: If you’re in crisis or experiencing significant dysregulation, we first focus on building safety and developing regulation skills. Shadow work requires enough nervous system stability to tolerate exploring difficult material.

Mode Identification: Together, we identify your specific shadow modes, their triggers, and their protective functions. This phase builds awareness without trying to change anything yet.

Processing and Integration: Using EMDR, IFS, somatic therapy, and other evidence-based approaches, we work with each mode to understand it, appreciate it, and ultimately integrate it. This phase requires patience and compassion.

Relationship Repair: As you integrate your shadow, relationships naturally shift. We often work with couples or families to support these relational changes and prevent backsliding into old patterns.

Ongoing Practice: Shadow integration is lifelong work. We teach you tools and practices to continue the work independently, with periodic check-ins or tune-up sessions as needed.

Taking the First Step

If this article resonates with you—if you recognize yourself in these patterns and feel ready to explore your shadow—I encourage you to take that first step.

Start with the Shadow Dance Assessment: Visit www.visionlogic.org/shadows.html to complete the assessment. It’s free, takes about 20-30 minutes, and provides immediate insight into your shadow patterns. You’ll receive a personalized report you can review on your own or bring to therapy.

Reach out for support: Contact me at Ascend Counseling & Wellness:

  • Phone: 435-688-1111
  • Email: kevin@ascendcw.com
  • Location: St. George, Utah

We offer individual, couples, and family therapy, all informed by shadow work principles and trauma-informed care. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, addiction, or simply feeling stuck and disconnected from yourself, shadow work can help.

The Promise of Integration

I want to leave you with hope. Over 20 years of doing this work—through countless sessions with people from all walks of life, all ages, all presenting problems—I’ve witnessed a consistent truth: When people integrate their shadow, they transform.

They stop being controlled by unconscious patterns and start living with intention. They move from self-rejection to self-acceptance. They reclaim parts of themselves they didn’t know were missing. They experience deeper, more authentic relationships. They finally feel at home in their own skin.

As Jung beautifully stated, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious” (Jung, 1954, p. 335). Your shadow isn’t your enemy—it’s the missing piece of your wholeness.

Many people we’ve worked with have felt overwhelmed, stuck, and confused about why they keep repeating painful patterns. They found that shadow work offered them a path to understanding, healing, and transformation they hadn’t found elsewhere. We believe you will find the same.

The journey from shadow to light isn’t always easy, but it is profoundly worth it. And you don’t have to walk it alone.

References

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.

Jung, C. G. (1938). Psychology and religion. Terry Lectures.

Jung, C. G. (1954). The philosophical tree. In Collected works (Vol. 13, pp. 251-349). Princeton University Press.

Jung, C. G. (1959). The archetypes and the collective unconscious (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). Princeton University Press.

Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the tiger: Healing trauma. North Atlantic Books.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model. Sounds True.

Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy: Basic principles, protocols, and procedures (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Tang, Y. Y., Hölzel, B. K., & Posner, M. I. (2015). The neuroscience of mindfulness meditation. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 16(4), 213-225. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn3916

Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.

Kevin Brough, M.A., MFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of the LifeScaping™ Therapeutic System. He specializes in trauma-informed care, shadow work, and addiction recovery at Ascend Counseling & Wellness in St. George, Utah. With over 20 years of clinical experience, Kevin is passionate about helping people reclaim their wholeness and live with authentic purpose.

Ready to begin your shadow work journey? Visit www.visionlogic.org/shadows.html to take the Shadow Dance Assessment, or contact Ascend Counseling & Wellness at 435-688-1111 or kevin@ascendcw.com.

July 3, 2025

Discover Your Purpose

Discover Your Governing Purpose: The Secret to Living a Life That Truly Matters

Why the most successful organizations—and people—all have one thing in common

The Wake-Up Call Most of Us Need

Picture this: You’re lying in bed on a Sunday night, that familiar knot forming in your stomach as you think about Monday morning. You’ve got a decent job, your bills are paid, and from the outside, everything looks fine. But deep down, something feels… missing. You go through the motions, check the boxes, but you can’t shake the feeling that you’re living someone else’s life.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Studies show that 70% of people feel disengaged from their daily activities, and many report feeling like they’re just “going through the motions” rather than living with intention and purpose (Gallup, 2023).

But here’s what the most successful companies—and the happiest people—know that others don’t: they all have a governing purpose.

What Is a Governing Purpose (And Why You Need One)?

A governing purpose isn’t just a fancy mission statement you frame and forget. It’s your fundamental reason for existing—the core principle that guides every decision you make and gives meaning to everything you do.

Think about companies like Patagonia, whose purpose is “to save our home planet,” or Disney, which exists “to entertain, inform and inspire people around the globe.” These aren’t just marketing slogans—they’re the North Star that guides every business decision, from product development to hiring practices.

When applied to your personal life, a governing purpose becomes your internal compass, helping you navigate life’s complexities with clarity and confidence. Research from the University of Michigan found that people with a strong sense of purpose live an average of seven years longer and report significantly higher levels of life satisfaction (Hill & Turiano, 2014).

The Science Behind Purpose-Driven Living

The benefits of having a clear governing purpose aren’t just feel-good psychology—they’re backed by solid research:

Physical Health Benefits

  • Better sleep quality: People with purpose report 63% less sleep disturbance (Kim et al., 2015)
  • Stronger immune system: Purpose-driven individuals show better stress resilience
  • Increased longevity: Clear purpose correlates with a 15% reduction in mortality risk

Mental and Emotional Benefits

  • Lower rates of depression: Purpose acts as a protective factor against mental health challenges (Pfund & Lewis, 2020)
  • Greater resilience: People with purpose bounce back faster from setbacks
  • Enhanced decision-making: Clear values make choices easier and more satisfying

Relationship Benefits

  • Deeper connections: Purpose-driven people attract like-minded individuals
  • Better conflict resolution: Shared values provide a framework for working through differences
  • Stronger families: Children of purpose-driven parents show better outcomes across multiple measures

Your Governing Purpose vs. Your Goals

Here’s where most people get confused: your governing purpose isn’t the same as your goals.

Goals are what you want to achieve—lose 20 pounds, get promoted, buy a house. Purpose is why those things matter to you and how they connect to your deeper values.

For example:

  • Goal: “I want to get promoted to manager”
  • Purpose-driven approach: “I want to develop my leadership skills so I can mentor others and create positive change in my organization because I believe in helping people reach their potential”

See the difference? The goal is just a stepping stone; the purpose is the foundation that gives the goal meaning and sustains your motivation when things get tough.

The Four Pillars of Your Personal Governing Purpose

Based on organizational research and positive psychology, every strong governing purpose rests on four pillars:

1. Core Identity – Who You Are

This is about understanding your authentic self—your values, strengths, and the experiences that have shaped you. It’s not who you think you should be or who others expect you to be, but who you truly are at your core.

2. Guiding Principles – What Matters Most

These are your non-negotiable values—the principles that guide your decisions and behavior. They’re the standards you won’t compromise, even when it’s difficult or costly.

3. Impact Vision – How You Contribute

This is about the positive difference you want to make in the world, whether that’s in your family, your workplace, your community, or beyond. It’s your unique contribution to making things better.

4. Future Legacy – What You Leave Behind

This is the long-term impact of your life—how you want to be remembered and what lasting change you want to create. It’s bigger than your immediate goals and connects to something that will outlast you.

Why Most People Never Find Their Purpose (And How to Avoid These Traps)

Trap #1: Waiting for the Lightning Bolt

The myth: Purpose will strike you like lightning in a dramatic moment of clarity. The reality: Purpose is usually discovered through reflection, experimentation, and gradual clarity over time.

Trap #2: Thinking It Has to Be Grand

The myth: Your purpose must be world-changing and dramatic. The reality: Purpose can be found in everyday roles—being an exceptional parent, teacher, or friend can be just as meaningful as starting a nonprofit.

Trap #3: Confusing Purpose with Passion

The myth: Follow your passion and purpose will follow. The reality: Purpose often emerges from the intersection of what you’re good at, what the world needs, and what brings you fulfillment—passion is just one piece of the puzzle.

Trap #4: Making It All About You

The myth: Purpose is about self-fulfillment. The reality: The most fulfilling purposes involve contributing to something bigger than yourself.

Real-Life Purpose Transformations

Sarah, Marketing Manager → Community Builder Sarah felt stuck in a corporate marketing role until she realized her true purpose was building connections between people. She started a neighborhood group that now serves 500 families, and eventually transitioned to work for a community development nonprofit. “I’m still using my marketing skills,” she says, “but now they’re serving my deeper purpose of bringing people together.”

Mike, Burned-Out Lawyer → Purpose-Driven Legal Advocate Mike was making six figures but felt empty inside. Through purpose exploration, he discovered his core value was justice for the underserved. He transitioned to legal aid work, took a pay cut, but says he’s never been happier. “I finally feel like my work matters.”

The Johnson Family → Community Impact Team The Johnsons felt disconnected as a family until they developed a shared purpose around environmental stewardship. Now they volunteer together monthly, have reduced their carbon footprint by 60%, and their teenage kids are more engaged and motivated than ever.

Getting Started: Your Purpose Discovery Journey

Discovering your governing purpose isn’t a weekend project—it’s an ongoing journey of self-discovery and refinement. But you can start today with these proven approaches:

The Values Archaeology Method

Look back at moments when you felt most alive, energized, and authentic. What values were you expressing? What principles were you honoring? These peak experiences often reveal your core values.

The Future Legacy Exercise

Imagine you’re 90 years old, looking back on your life. What would make you feel proud? What would you regret not doing? What impact would you want to have had? This exercise helps clarify what truly matters to you.

The Intersection Analysis

Draw three circles representing: (1) What you’re naturally good at, (2) What brings you joy and energy, and (3) What the world needs. Your purpose likely lives at the intersection of these three areas.

The Service Test

Ask yourself: “How can my unique combination of talents, experiences, and passions serve others?” Purpose almost always involves contributing to something beyond yourself.

The Ripple Effect: How Your Purpose Impacts Others

Here’s the beautiful thing about living with purpose: it’s contagious. When you’re clear on your governing purpose and living it authentically, you give others permission to do the same.

Research shows that purpose-driven people:

  • Inspire better performance in their teams (Grant, 2008)
  • Raise more resilient, motivated children (Malin et al., 2014)
  • Create stronger, more satisfying relationships (Burrow & Hill, 2011)
  • Contribute more meaningfully to their communities

Your purpose doesn’t just change your life—it creates ripples that extend far beyond what you can see.

The Cost of Living Without Purpose

Let’s be honest about what’s at stake here. Living without a clear governing purpose isn’t just about missing out on fulfillment—it has real costs:

Personal Costs

  • Decision fatigue: Without clear values, every choice becomes exhausting
  • Regret and resentment: Years of living someone else’s priorities
  • Chronic stress: Misalignment between values and actions creates ongoing tension
  • Missed opportunities: Lack of clarity leads to poor choices and missed chances

Relationship Costs

  • Shallow connections: Without knowing yourself, it’s hard to form deep relationships
  • Family conflict: Unclear values lead to inconsistent parenting and partnership decisions
  • Professional stagnation: Lack of purpose makes it harder to advance meaningfully in your career

Societal Costs

  • Wasted talent: The world misses out on your unique contributions
  • Decreased community engagement: People without purpose are less likely to volunteer or contribute
  • Intergenerational impact: Children of purpose-less parents struggle more with direction and meaning

Your Purpose Evolution: It’s Not Set in Stone

Here’s something important to understand: your governing purpose can evolve. The values at your core may remain consistent, but how you express them and the specific ways you contribute to the world can change as you grow and as circumstances shift.

A mother’s purpose might evolve from “nurturing my children” to “supporting other parents” as her kids grow up. An engineer’s purpose might shift from “building innovative products” to “mentoring the next generation of creators.”

This evolution is natural and healthy—it means you’re growing and adapting while staying true to your core values.

Taking the Next Step

If you’ve read this far, something is stirring inside you. Maybe it’s excitement about the possibility of living with greater purpose, or maybe it’s the recognition that you’ve been living on autopilot for too long.

Either way, you’re ready to take the next step.

Professional purpose development can help you:

  • Clarify your core values and authentic identity
  • Identify the unique contribution you’re meant to make
  • Align your goals and decisions with your deeper purpose
  • Navigate life transitions with greater confidence
  • Build stronger, more meaningful relationships
  • Create a legacy you’re proud of

Whether you work with a coach, join a purpose development program, or engage in structured self-exploration, the investment you make in discovering and developing your governing purpose will pay dividends for the rest of your life.

Questions to Spark Your Purpose Discovery

Take a few minutes to reflect on these questions. Don’t overthink them—let your instincts guide your initial responses:

Core Identity Questions

  1. What are you doing when you feel most like yourself? Think about moments when you feel authentic, energized, and aligned.
  2. What compliments do you receive that feel most meaningful? Often, others see our gifts more clearly than we do.
  3. What life experiences have shaped you most significantly? Both challenges and triumphs reveal our values and resilience.

Values and Principles Questions

  1. What injustice or problem in the world bothers you most? Our outrage often points to our values.
  2. When you’re making a difficult decision, what principles do you never want to compromise? These are your non-negotiables.
  3. What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? This reveals what you’d pursue if fear wasn’t a factor.

Impact and Contribution Questions

  1. What unique combination of skills, experiences, and perspectives do you bring to the world? Everyone has a unique “recipe” of gifts.
  2. How do you most naturally help or serve others? Look at patterns in how you support friends, family, and colleagues.
  3. What would the people closest to you say is your greatest strength or gift? Sometimes we’re blind to our own superpowers.

Legacy and Vision Questions

  1. If you could solve one problem in the world, what would it be? This reveals what you care most deeply about.
  2. What do you want to be remembered for? Think beyond achievements to the impact you had on others.
  3. What would need to be true for you to feel proud of your life at age 90? This long-term perspective clarifies what really matters.

Integration Question

  1. Complete this sentence: “I feel most fulfilled when I am…” Let your intuition guide this response—it often reveals your purpose in its simplest form.

Your governing purpose is waiting to be discovered. The question isn’t whether you have one—it’s whether you’ll take the time to uncover it and have the courage to live it.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Burrow, A. L., & Hill, P. L. (2011). Purpose as a form of identity capital for positive youth adjustment. Developmental Psychology, 47(4), 1196-1206.

Gallup. (2023). State of the global workplace report. Gallup Press.

Grant, A. M. (2008). The significance of task significance: Job performance effects, relational mechanisms, and boundary conditions. Journal of Applied Psychology, 93(1), 108-124.

Hill, P. L., & Turiano, N. A. (2014). Purpose in life as a predictor of mortality across adulthood. Psychological Science, 25(7), 1482-1486.

Kim, E. S., Hershner, S. D., & Strecher, V. J. (2015). Purpose in life and incidence of sleep disturbances. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 38(3), 590-597.

Malin, H., Reilly, T. S., Quinn, B., & Moran, S. (2014). Adolescent purpose development: Exploring empathy, discovering roles, shifting priorities, and creating pathways. Applied Developmental Science, 18(1), 17-26.

Pfund, G. N., & Lewis, N. A. (2020). Aging with purpose: Developmental science perspectives on purpose in life. Current Opinion in Psychology, 36, 87-92.

Schwartz, S. H. (2012). An overview of the Schwartz theory of basic values. Online Readings in Psychology and Culture, 2(1), 11-20.

June 23, 2025

From Victim to Owner

From Victim to Owner: The Psychology of Personal Responsibility and Agency

How Our Cognitive Choices Shape Our Reality and Outcomes

Bottom Line Up Front

Every moment of our lives, we face a fundamental choice: to approach our circumstances as a victim of forces beyond our control, or to view them as an owner who takes responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This choice determines not only our immediate state of being but our long-term trajectory toward either empowerment or helplessness. While we cannot control everything that happens to us, we always retain the power to control our response, and this response shapes our reality more than we often realize.

Understanding the Victim vs. Owner Mindset

The distinction between victim and owner mindsets represents one of the most profound choices we make as human beings. Research in psychology demonstrates that victim mentality is “a psychological concept referring to a mindset in which a person, or group of people, tends to recognize or consider themselves a victim of the actions of others,” often involving “blaming one’s misfortunes on somebody else’s misdeeds” (Wikipedia, 2025). In contrast, an ownership mindset embraces personal agency—what researchers define as “a mindset plus a set of learnable actions that help us attain what we want in life” (Bateman, 2022).

This fundamental choice occurs through our cognitive processes: how we think, how we feel, and how we act. Each of these domains offers us the opportunity to move toward either victimhood or ownership, creating a cascading effect that shapes our entire experience of life.

The Cognitive Framework: Think, Feel, Act

THINK: The Power of Mental Ownership

Our cognitive patterns form the foundation of either a victim or an owner mentality. Cognitive behavioral therapy research demonstrates that “thoughts, feelings and behaviours combine to influence a person’s quality of life” and that “thinking negatively is a habit that, like any other habit, can be broken” (StatPearls, 2024).

Owner Thinking Patterns:

  • Hope and Trust: Believing in positive possibilities and the reliability of effort
  • Personal Meaning: Creating purpose from experiences, both positive and negative
  • Growth Mindset: Embracing the belief that abilities can be strengthened through learning (Bateman, 2022)
  • Present-Moment Awareness: Focusing on what can be controlled now

Victim Thinking Patterns:

  • Fear and Defensiveness: Expecting threats and preparing for failure
  • Blame and Denial: Attributing problems to external forces while denying personal contribution
  • Fixed Mindset: Believing that abilities and circumstances are unchangeable
  • Catastrophic Thinking: Making “bad events seem even worse and impossible to fix” (Psychologs, 2024)

FEEL: Emotional Agency vs. Emotional Reactivity

Our emotional responses reflect our chosen mindset and, in turn, reinforce it. The “sense of agency” refers to “the feeling of control over actions and their consequences” (Moore, 2016), which extends to our emotional experiences.

Owner Emotional Patterns:

  • Faith and Power: Confidence in one’s ability to influence outcomes
  • Virtue and Energy: Drawing strength from values and purpose
  • Emotional Regulation: Managing emotions as information rather than commands

Victim Emotional Patterns:

  • Apathy and Weakness: Feeling powerless to change circumstances
  • Depression and Despair: Experiencing “a pervasive sense of helplessness, passivity, loss of control, pessimism, negative thinking, strong feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame, and depression” (Wikipedia, 2025)
  • Emotional Reactivity: Being controlled by emotions rather than choosing responses

ACT: Behavior as the Expression of Choice

Our actions ultimately reveal whether we’re operating from victim or owner consciousness. Research on human agency shows that “people act as agents who intentionally regulate their behavior and life circumstances. They are self-organizing, proactive, self-regulating, and self-reflecting” (Pattison Professional Counseling, 2021).

Owner Action Patterns:

  • Charity and Peace: Acting from love and service to others
  • Proactive Behavior: Taking “deliberate and effective” action to “change events or their environment” (16Personalities, 2022)
  • Responsibility: Focusing on response-ability rather than blame

Victim Action Patterns:

  • Anger and Resentment: Reacting with hostility and bitterness
  • Self-Destructive Patterns: Engaging in behaviors that perpetuate problems
  • Reactive Behavior: Responding automatically to circumstances rather than choosing responses

The Science Behind the Choice

Psychological Foundations

Martin Seligman’s groundbreaking research on learned helplessness and learned optimism demonstrates that “people can learn to develop a more optimistic perspective” through “resilience training” (Simply Psychology, 2024; Positive Psychology, 2019). This research reveals that victimhood and ownership are not fixed personality traits but learned patterns that can be changed.

Learned optimism involves “consciously challenging any negative self-talk” and learning to respond to adversity by “thinking about their reactions to adversity in a new way” (Wikipedia, 2025). The process follows an ABCDE model:

  • Adversity: What happened?
  • Belief: How do I interpret it?
  • Consequence: What feelings and actions result?
  • Disputation: Can I challenge negative interpretations?
  • Energization: What positive outcomes can I create?

Sociological Perspectives

Sociologically, agency refers to “the capacity of individuals to act independently and make choices that shape their lives and the social structures around them,” emphasizing that “individuals are not merely passive recipients of societal influences… but are active participants who can exercise their will, make decisions, and initiate actions” (Encyclopedia MDPI, 2024).

This sociological understanding reveals that our choice between victim and owner mindsets affects not only our personal experience but also our contribution to the communities and systems around us.

Philosophical Foundations

Philosophically, human agency “entitles the observer to ask should this have occurred? in a way that would be nonsensical in circumstances lacking human decision-makers” (Wikipedia, 2025). This highlights the fundamental responsibility that comes with human consciousness—we are meaning-making beings who must choose how to interpret and respond to our experiences.

Moral responsibility involves “attributing certain powers and capacities to that person, and viewing their behavior as arising, in the right way, from the fact that the person has, and has exercised, these powers and capacities” (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, 2023).

The Path Forward: From Victim to Owner

Practical Strategies for Cognitive Ownership

  1. Awareness Practice: Begin noticing automatic thoughts and questioning their accuracy
  2. Reframing Exercises: Practice “finding ways to change negative emotions, thoughts, and habits” by shifting perspective and adopting “positive thought patterns and behaviors” (Cleveland Clinic, 2020)
  3. Values Clarification: Identify core values and align actions with these principles
  4. Growth Mindset Development: Embrace challenges as opportunities for learning and development

Building Emotional Agency

  1. Emotional Awareness: Recognize emotions as information rather than commands
  2. Response vs. Reaction: Create space between stimulus and response
  3. Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness while maintaining accountability
  4. Stress Management: Develop healthy coping mechanisms for challenging situations

Taking Ownership Through Action

  1. Personal Responsibility: Exercise the “four helpers” of agency: “Intentionality, Forethought, Self-reflection, and Self-regulation” (Pattison Professional Counseling, 2021)
  2. Goal Setting: Create clear, actionable objectives aligned with values
  3. Skill Development: Continuously expand capabilities and competencies
  4. Service Orientation: Focus on contributing to others’ well-being

The Transformational Impact

Individual Benefits

Research consistently shows that ownership mindsets lead to:

  • Better Mental Health: Reduced depression and anxiety through learned optimism practices (Simply Psychology, 2024)
  • Improved Performance: Enhanced “job performance, careers, and even efforts to adapt to and reduce the rate and magnitude of climate change” (Bateman, 2022)
  • Greater Resilience: Increased ability to bounce back from setbacks
  • Enhanced Relationships: More authentic and fulfilling connections with others

Societal Benefits

When individuals embrace ownership, the ripple effects benefit entire communities:

  • Collective Agency: Contributing to “situations in which individuals pool their knowledge, skills, and resources, and act in concert to shape their future” (Encyclopedia MDPI, 2024)
  • Social Responsibility: Creating positive change in communities and institutions
  • Cultural Transformation: Modeling empowerment for others to follow

Conclusion: The Daily Choice

Every day, in countless moments, we face the fundamental choice between victim and owner consciousness. This choice occurs in the realm of our thoughts, emotions, and actions. While we cannot control every circumstance we encounter, we always retain the power to control our response, and this response shapes our reality more profoundly than we often realize.

The journey from victim to owner is not about denying legitimate pain or trauma, nor is it about toxic positivity that ignores real challenges. Instead, it’s about recognizing our inherent power to choose our stance toward life’s circumstances. It’s about embracing what Viktor Frankl called our “last freedom”—the freedom to choose our attitude in any given circumstances.

As we cultivate this ownership mindset through our thoughts, feelings, and actions, we not only transform our own experience but also contribute to a more empowered and responsible world. The choice is always ours, and the choice is always now.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

A Graphic Representation of These Concepts

**Individual Responsibility and Empowerment**

References

Bateman, T. S. (2022, March 27). Agency is the highest level of personal competence. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/getting-proactive/202203/agency-is-the-highest-level-personal-competence

Cleveland Clinic. (2020, January 8). Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): What it is & techniques. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/21208-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-cbt

Encyclopedia MDPI. (2024, January 25). Agency (Sociology). https://encyclopedia.pub/entry/53651

Moore, J. (2016). What is the sense of agency and why does it matter? Frontiers in Psychology, 7, 1272. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00535/full

Pattison Professional Counseling and Mediation Center. (2021, March 16). Take control of your life: The concept of agency and its four helpers. https://www.ppccfl.com/blog/take-control-of-your-life-the-concept-of-agency-and-its-four-helpers/

Positive Psychology. (2019, December 30). Learned optimism: Is Martin Seligman’s glass half full? https://positivepsychology.com/learned-optimism/

Psychologs. (2024, May 30). Psychology behind victim mentality. https://www.psychologs.com/psychology-behind-victim-mentality/

Simply Psychology. (2024, May 2). Learned helplessness: Seligman’s theory of depression. https://www.simplypsychology.org/learned-helplessness.html

Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. (2023). Agency. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/agency/

Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. (2023). Moral responsibility. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/moral-responsibility/

StatPearls. (2024). Cognitive behavior therapy. NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK470241/

16Personalities. (2022, July 28). Personal agency: A foundation for every personality. https://www.16personalities.com/articles/personal-agency-a-foundation-for-every-personality

Wikipedia. (2025, May 22). Victim mentality. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_mentality

Wikipedia. (2025, May 23). Learned optimism. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism

Wikipedia. (2025). Agency (philosophy). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agency_(philosophy)

June 17, 2025

Beyond Self-Esteem

Why Self-Compassion is the Healthier Path to Self-Worth

The American Dream of Feeling Special Has Become a Nightmare of Comparison

We live in a culture obsessed with being exceptional. From the participation trophies of our youth to the carefully curated highlight reels of social media, Americans have been told for decades that feeling good about ourselves requires being better than others. This isn’t an accident—it’s the direct result of what researchers now call “the self-esteem movement,” a uniquely American construct that has fundamentally misunderstood what it means to have healthy self-regard.

As someone who has spent years studying human psychology and wellness, I’ve witnessed firsthand how this pursuit of high self-esteem has created more problems than it has solved. The good news? There’s a better way forward, one rooted in ancient wisdom but validated by modern science: self-compassion.

The Rise and Fall of the Self-Esteem Movement

To understand why self-esteem became so central to American psychology, we need to go back to its origins. The identification of self-esteem as a distinct psychological construct has its origins in the work of philosopher and psychologist William James, published in 1890 (Neff, 2011). However, it wasn’t until the late 20th century that self-esteem became a cultural obsession.

The pivotal event was California legislator John Vasconcellos (Democrat) steering a bill through the legislature and securing the Republican governor’s signature to establish a California Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility or the “Self-esteem Commission” in 1986 (Cuban, 2019). In his vision, self-esteem was the key to problems such as violence, crime, alcohol and drug abuse, welfare dependency, teenage pregnancy, academic failure, recidivism, and child and spousal abuse (Pacific Research Institute, 2022).

This well-intentioned movement promised that if we could just make people feel better about themselves, we could solve society’s problems. “Toward a State of Esteem” became the best-selling state document of all time, at 60,000 copies. More than 40 of California’s 58 counties formed self-esteem task forces (Pacific Research Institute, 2022).

But here’s what happened instead: we created a generation that confuses feeling special with being valuable, that mistakes external validation for internal worth, and that crumbles when reality doesn’t match their inflated self-image.

The Dark Side of the Self-Esteem Obsession

Research has revealed the troubling consequences of pursuing high self-esteem. Later research indicated that inflating students’ self-esteem has no positive effect on grades, and one study even showed that inflating self-esteem by itself can actually decrease grades (New World Encyclopedia, n.d.). Even more concerning, self-esteem (but not self-compassion) was positively associated with narcissism (Wikipedia, 2024).

The fundamental problem with self-esteem as typically pursued is that it requires us to feel special and above average. This creates what psychologists call “contingent self-worth”—our value depends on our performance, appearance, or social approval. We feel good about ourselves when we succeed, we feel bad about ourselves when we fail… So you might say self-esteem is a fair-weather friend (Mount Sinai, n.d.).

This contingent nature of self-esteem drives several destructive behaviors:

Social Comparison: To maintain high self-esteem, we must constantly measure ourselves against others, creating jealousy, competition, and disconnection.

Defensive Aggression: When our inflated self-image is threatened, we often lash out rather than reflect.

Avoidance of Challenge: To protect our self-esteem, we may avoid situations where we might fail or look bad.

External Validation Addiction: We become dependent on others’ approval to feel okay about ourselves.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff observes, the biggest problem with self-esteem is that it tends to be contingent. In other words, we only feel good about ourselves when we succeed or when we look the way we want to look or when people like us, but you know, what happens when things don’t go our way? (No Small Endeavor, n.d.).

Self-Compassion: The Unconditional Alternative

Self-compassion offers a radically different approach to self-regard—one that doesn’t require us to be perfect, special, or better than others. Self-compassion entails three main components: (a) self-kindness—being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical, (b) common humanity—perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as separating and isolating, and (c) mindfulness—holding painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them (Neff, 2003).

Self-Kindness: Treating Yourself as You Would a Friend

The first component involves extending the same warmth and understanding to ourselves that we would naturally offer a good friend facing difficulties. In short, showing self-kindness means treating our worth as unconditional even when we fall short of our own expectations (Positive Psychology, 2019).

Most of us have a harsh inner critic that says things we would never say to someone we care about. Self-kindness means speaking to ourselves with the same gentleness we would use with a child who has made a mistake.

Common Humanity: You’re Not Alone in This

Perhaps the most revolutionary aspect of self-compassion is its recognition that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of the shared human experience. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone (UNC, n.d.).

This stands in stark contrast to the self-esteem movement’s emphasis on being special or above average. Self-compassion says: “You don’t need to be perfect or extraordinary to be worthy of love and respect. You’re valuable simply because you’re human.”

Mindfulness: Seeing Clearly Without Judgment

The third component involves observing our thoughts and emotions with balanced awareness—neither suppressing them nor being overwhelmed by them. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them (UNC, n.d.).

This mindful awareness allows us to acknowledge our pain without being consumed by it, creating space for healing and growth.

The Science of Self-Compassion

The research on self-compassion is compelling. Self-compassion offers the benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls. So it’s associated with strong mental health but it’s not associated with narcissism or constant social comparison or ego defensive aggression (Singjupost, 2023).

Studies have consistently shown that self-compassion provides:

  • Greater emotional resilience and stability than self-esteem
  • Less narcissism and ego-defensiveness
  • More stable feelings of self-worth that don’t fluctuate based on external circumstances
  • Stronger motivation for personal growth and learning
  • Better relationships and social connectedness

In general, the research suggests that self-compassion offers most of the benefits of high self-esteem, with fewer downsides (PMC, n.d.). Research is presented which shows that self-compassion provides greater emotional resilience and stability than self-esteem, but involves less self-evaluation, ego-defensiveness, and self-enhancement than self-esteem (ResearchGate, 2011).

Worth as Inherent, Not Earned

One of the most liberating aspects of self-compassion is its recognition that human worth is inherent, not earned. Self-worth refers to the inherent value and dignity one holds for themselves, independent of external achievements or validation. It involves recognizing one’s worthiness of love, respect, and happiness, regardless of circumstances or opinions from others (Positive Psychology, 2018).

This understanding stands in direct opposition to the American cultural narrative that says we must achieve, accumulate, or accomplish something to be valuable. Self-compassion recognizes that our worth comes from our shared humanity, not our performance.

With self-compassion we don’t need to be perfect or better than anyone else to feel good about ourselves, we just need to be a flawed human being like everyone else (self-compassion.org, 2011). This recognition frees us from the exhausting treadmill of trying to maintain an image of specialness and allows us to focus on growth, connection, and contribution.

The Path Forward: Acceptance, Understanding, and Self-Love

Moving from a self-esteem mindset to a self-compassion approach requires three fundamental shifts:

1. From Judgment to Acceptance

Instead of constantly evaluating ourselves as good or bad, successful or unsuccessful, we learn to accept ourselves as works in progress. This doesn’t mean becoming complacent; it means creating a foundation of unconditional worth from which we can grow.

2. From Isolation to Understanding

Rather than seeing our struggles as evidence that something is wrong with us, we recognize them as part of the human experience. This shift from “Why me?” to “This is part of life” transforms our relationship with difficulty.

3. From Criticism to Love

We replace the harsh inner critic with a kind inner friend—someone who supports us through challenges and celebrates our efforts, not just our outcomes.

The Ripple Effects of Self-Compassion

When we cultivate self-compassion, the benefits extend far beyond our own well-being:

Better Relationships: Research shows that self-compassionate people are more giving and supportive to others in relationships (self-compassion.org, 2011). When we’re not constantly defending our ego or seeking validation, we can show up more fully for others.

Enhanced Growth: Self-compassionate individuals do not berate themselves when they fail, they are more able to admit mistakes, modify unproductive behaviors and take on new challenges (PMC, n.d.). This creates a mindset of continuous learning rather than self-protection.

Greater Purpose and Meaning: When our worth isn’t contingent on external achievements, we’re free to pursue what truly matters to us rather than what we think will make us look good.

Improved Resilience: Self-compassion provides a much more stable sense of self-worth than self-esteem does, because it’s there for you precisely when you fail (Singjupost, 2023).

Conclusion: A New American Dream

It’s time to let go of the American obsession with being special and embrace something far more powerful: being human. The self-esteem movement promised that feeling good about ourselves would solve our problems, but it actually created new ones by tying our worth to external validation and comparative superiority.

Self-compassion offers a different path—one that recognizes our inherent worth as human beings while providing the emotional stability and motivation we need to grow, contribute, and thrive. It doesn’t promise that we’ll never fail or feel pain, but it guarantees that we’ll never face these challenges alone.

The journey from self-esteem to self-compassion isn’t just a personal transformation; it’s a cultural shift toward a more connected, resilient, and genuinely fulfilling way of being human. In a world that constantly tells us we’re not enough, self-compassion whispers the truth: you already are.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Cuban, L. (2019, April 19). Whatever happened to the self-esteem movement? Larry Cuban on School Reform and Classroom Practice. https://larrycuban.wordpress.com/2019/04/19/whatever-happened-to-the-self-esteem-movement/

Mount Sinai. (n.d.). The fierce side of self-compassion – Dr. Kristin Neff. Mount Sinai Health System. https://www.mountsinai.org/about/newsroom/podcasts/road-resilience/archive/self-compassion

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x

New World Encyclopedia. (n.d.). Self-esteem. https://www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Self-esteem

No Small Endeavor. (n.d.). Self-compassion: Kristin Neff. https://www.nosmallendeavor.com/self-compassion-kristin-neff

Pacific Research Institute. (2022, July 7). 20 years later: Self esteem movement was utopian hucksterism. https://www.pacificresearch.org/20-years-later-self-esteem-movement-was-utopian-hucksterism/

PMC. (n.d.). The role of self-compassion in development: A healthier way to relate to oneself. PubMed Central. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2790748/

Positive Psychology. (2018, November 6). What is self-worth & how do we build it? https://positivepsychology.com/self-worth/

Positive Psychology. (2019, June 2). How to practice self-compassion: 8 techniques and tips. https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-practice-self-compassion/

ResearchGate. (2011, January 4). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/227528671_Self-Compassion_Self-Esteem_and_Well-Being

self-compassion.org. (2011, March 22). What is self-compassion? https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/

Singjupost. (2023, September 20). Kristin Neff: The space between self-esteem and self compassion at TEDxCentennialParkWomen. https://singjupost.com/kristin-neff-the-space-between-self-esteem-and-self-compassion-at-tedxcentennialparkwomen-transcript/

UNC. (n.d.). The three components of self-compassion. Program on Mindfulness & Self-Compassion for Families. https://selfcompassion.web.unc.edu/what-is-self-compassion/the-three-components-of-self-compassion/

Wikipedia. (2024). Self-esteem. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem

May 19, 2025

A Path to Peace

Love Is Letting Go of Fear: A Path to Peace and Emotional Resilience

In a world often characterized by stress, anxiety, and conflict, the timeless wisdom found in Gerald Jampolsky’s “Love Is Letting Go of Fear” offers a refreshing perspective on creating inner peace. This seminal work, first published in 1979, resonates with readers seeking emotional freedom and authentic connection. Let’s explore how Jampolsky’s principles align with other philosophical traditions and contemporary psychological approaches to cultivate peace and nurture life-affirming emotional states.

The Core Message: Choosing Love Over Fear

At its heart, Jampolsky’s work presents a simple yet profound premise: We operate from one of two emotional states—love or fear. These states are mutually exclusive; when we choose love, fear dissipates. Jampolsky, influenced by A Course in Miracles, suggests that fear-based thinking manifests as judgment, attack, and self-protection, while love-based consciousness expresses forgiveness, compassion, and peace (Jampolsky, 1979).

This binary framework echoes ancient wisdom traditions. In Buddhist philosophy, suffering (dukkha) arises from attachment and aversion – essentially fear-based responses to life’s impermanence. The antidote is loving-kindness (metta) and compassion (karuna), which dissolve the boundaries between self and other (Nhat Hanh, 2015).

Forgiveness as a Path to Freedom

Jampolsky emphasizes forgiveness as essential for releasing fear and embracing love. He defines forgiveness not as pardoning wrongdoing, but as relinquishing our investment in grievances. When we hold onto perceived injustices, we remain prisoners of the past, unable to experience the present fully.

This perspective parallels the work of Fred Luskin, whose Stanford Forgiveness Project demonstrates that forgiveness training significantly reduces stress, anger, and physical symptoms of anxiety while increasing optimism and emotional well-being (Luskin, 2003). Luskin describes forgiveness as “the feeling of peace that emerges as you take your hurt less personally, take responsibility for how you feel, and become a hero instead of a victim in the story you tell.”

The Mind-Body Connection

The physiological impact of choosing love over fear is well-documented. When we operate from fear, our sympathetic nervous system activates, triggering the stress response and releasing cortisol and adrenaline. Prolonged states of fear compromise immune function and contribute to numerous health problems (Sapolsky, 2004).

Conversely, love-based emotions activate the parasympathetic nervous system, releasing oxytocin and promoting relaxation, healing, and connection. Barbara Fredrickson’s research supports this through her “broaden-and-build” theory of positive emotions, demonstrating that positive emotional states expand our awareness and build enduring personal resources (Fredrickson, 2013).

Integration with Contemporary Approaches

Several modern therapeutic modalities align with Jampolsky’s philosophy:

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

ACT, developed by Steven Hayes, emphasizes psychological flexibility and accepting complex thoughts and feelings rather than fighting them. This acceptance creates space for values-driven action and authentic connection, moving from fear-based resistance to love-based engagement (Hayes et al., 2006).

Internal Family Systems

Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems model conceptualizes the mind as containing multiple sub-personalities or “parts,” often formed in response to painful experiences. The model focuses on accessing the “Self” – a compassionate, curious core presence reminiscent of Jampolsky’s love-based consciousness – to heal wounded parts (Schwartz, 2001).

Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion provides practical applications of extending love toward oneself. She identifies three components of self-compassion: self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification with painful thoughts and feelings (Neff, 2011). These components mirror Jampolsky’s practices for releasing self-criticism and recognizing our fundamental connectedness.

Practical Applications for Cultivating Peace

Drawing from Jampolsky and complementary approaches, these practices can foster peace and emotional resilience:

Present-Moment Awareness

Fear often concerns the future or past, while love exists in the present. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) offers structured practices for returning to the present moment, where peace naturally arises (Kabat-Zinn, 2013).

Gratitude Practice

Robert Emmons’ research demonstrates that gratitude interventions significantly increase well-being and positive emotions while reducing negative states like envy and resentment (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). Gratitude shifts attention from what we fear losing to what we love having.

Service to Others

Jampolsky’s Center for Attitudinal Healing was founded on the principle that helping others accelerates our own healing. This aligns with findings that altruistic behaviors activate reward centers in the brain and decrease focus on personal distress (Post, 2005).

Question Fear-Based Thoughts

Byron Katie’s “The Work” offers a direct method for identifying and questioning stressful thoughts. By asking four questions about our fear-based beliefs, we can experience the freedom from seeing beyond our limiting stories (Katie, 2002).

Building Resilient Communities Through Love-Based Principles

The implications of Jampolsky’s philosophy extend beyond individual well-being to community and societal transformation. When individuals practice shifting from fear to love, the collective impact can be profound.

Restorative justice movements exemplify this approach, focusing on healing harm rather than punishment. By bringing together those who have caused harm with those affected by it in facilitated dialogue centered on accountability, repair, and reintegration, these practices embody the principles of forgiveness and connection essential to love-based consciousness (Zehr, 2015).

Similarly, nonviolent communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a framework for expressing ourselves honestly while receiving others empathically, transforming potential conflict into connection (Rosenberg, 2015). This approach dissolves the fear-based need to defend, attack, or withdraw, creating space for authentic relationships.

Conclusion: The Ongoing Journey

The journey from fear to love is not a one-time transformation but a continuous practice. As Jampolsky reminds us, each moment presents a new opportunity to choose peace over conflict, connection over separation, and love over fear. By integrating these principles with complementary wisdom from psychology, neuroscience, and contemplative traditions, we develop greater capacity for emotional resilience and authentic presence.

The message remains clear in a world that often seems defined by division and uncertainty: when we release fear, love emerges naturally as our default state. In that state, we discover not only personal peace but also the potential for healing our collective wounds and creating more compassionate communities.

Kevin Brough / Ascend Counseling and Wellness / http://www.ascendcw.com / 435.688.1111

References

Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389.

Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). Positive emotions broaden and build. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 47, 1-53.

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1-25.

Jampolsky, G. G. (1979). Love is letting go of fear. Celestial Arts.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2013). Full catastrophe living: Using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness. Bantam Books.

Katie, B. (2002). Loving what is: Four questions that can change your life. Harmony Books.

Luskin, F. (2003). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. HarperOne.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.

Nhat Hanh, T. (2015). The heart of the Buddha’s teaching: Transforming suffering into peace, joy, and liberation. Harmony Books.

Post, S. G. (2005). Altruism, happiness, and health: It’s good to be good. International Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 12(2), 66-77.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. PuddleDancer Press.

Sapolsky, R. M. (2004). Why zebras don’t get ulcers: The acclaimed guide to stress, stress-related diseases, and coping. Holt Paperbacks.

Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Introduction to the internal family systems model. Trailheads Publications.

Zehr, H. (2015). The little book of restorative justice. Good Books.

May 13, 2025

What Do You Really Want?

What Do You Really Want? Step Through Your Self-Imposed Limitations

As a counselor, I’ve witnessed countless individuals struggle with a simple question: “What do you really want?” This deceptively straightforward inquiry often reveals layers of internal barriers that keep us from pursuing our authentic desires and living fulfilling lives.

The Two Questions That Change Everything

Success coach Michael Neill (2023) suggests that all personal transformation boils down to two essential questions:

  1. What do you want?
  2. What stops you?

While these questions appear simple, the answers often reveal complex psychological patterns rooted in our unconscious beliefs and learned behaviors.

Why “What Do You Want?” It Is So Hard to Answer

Many clients come to me unable to articulate their genuine desires. This difficulty isn’t laziness or lack of self-awareness—it results from deep-seated psychological barriers. Virginia Satir (1988), one of the founding figures of family therapy, identified how early family dynamics create “life positions” that determine our sense of worth and possibility.

Common barriers include:

  • Fear of disappointment: “If I don’t want it, I can’t be hurt by not getting it.”
  • Unworthiness beliefs: “I don’t deserve what I really want.”
  • Social conditioning: “Good people don’t want selfish things.”
  • Fear of success: “What if getting what I want changes me in ways I don’t like?”

The Script That Writes Your Life

Fritz Perls (1973), founder of Gestalt therapy, introduced how we internalize “scripts” that govern our behavior. These scripts—collections of beliefs, assumptions, and behavioral patterns—are formed through various learning mechanisms:

Primary Learning Channels

  1. Direct Experience: Our first-hand encounters shape our understanding of what’s possible (Bandura, 1977)
  2. Behavioral Conditioning: We repeat behaviors that receive positive reinforcement (Skinner, 1974)
  3. Social Modeling: We unconsciously adopt the beliefs and behaviors of those around us (Bandura, 1986)
  4. Hypnotic Suggestion: Repeated messages, particularly from authority figures, become deeply embedded (Erickson, 1980)

Milton Erickson’s groundbreaking work in clinical hypnosis revealed how our unconscious mind processes and stores these experiences, creating automatic patterns that influence every aspect of our lives (Haley, 1973).

The Power of Limiting Beliefs

Research in cognitive psychology demonstrates that our beliefs shape our reality (Beck, 1976).

Gregory Bateson’s (1972) work on systems thinking shows how these belief systems create self-perpetuating cycles—when we believe something is impossible, we unconsciously gather evidence to support that belief.

The most common limiting beliefs I encounter in practice include:

  • “I’m not smart/talented/worthy enough.”
  • “Success isn’t meant for people like me.”
  • “If I succeed, I’ll lose connection with others.”
  • “I need to struggle to deserve good things.”

Transforming Your Inner Script

The good news? These scripts aren’t permanent. We can rewrite our internal programming based on the principles established by pioneers like Robert Dilts (1990) and Chloe Madanes (1990). Here’s how:

Clarifying Questions for Self-Discovery

  • What would you want if failure weren’t possible?
  • What would you pursue if you knew others’ approval wasn’t necessary?
  • How would your life look if you woke up tomorrow with your deepest desires fulfilled?
  • What are you afraid would happen if you got what you truly want?

The Mirror Technique

One powerful exercise examines the question: “How are you already getting exactly what you want?” Often, our current circumstances reflect unconscious desires for safety, familiarity, or avoiding responsibility—even when we consciously claim to want something different.

Beyond Belief: Your Authentic Self

Marianne Williamson’s observation resonates deeply: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” This fear of our own power often keeps us playing small, stuck in scripts written by others rather than authors of our own stories.

Taking the First Step

Recognizing these patterns is the beginning of transformation. If you find yourself stuck in old scripts, unable to clarify what you truly want, or paralyzed by limiting beliefs, remember that change is possible. Sometimes the most courageous act is reaching out for support.

At Ascend Counseling and Wellness in Southern Utah, we create a safe space to explore these deep questions without judgment. Together, we can identify the scripts that no longer serve you and begin writing a new story that honors your authentic desires and unlocks your true potential.

Your journey toward clarity and fulfillment begins with a question: What do you really want? The answer may surprise you.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice-Hall.

Bandura, A. (1986). Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Prentice-Hall.

Bateson, G. (1972). Steps to an ecology of mind. Ballantine Books.

Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. International Universities Press.

Dilts, R. (1990). Changing belief systems with NLP. Meta Publications.

Erickson, M. H. (1980). The collected papers of Milton H. Erickson on hypnosis (Vol. 1-4). Irvington Publishers.

Haley, J. (1973). Uncommon therapy: The psychiatric techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D. Norton.

Madanes, C. (1990). Sex, love, and violence: Strategies for transformation. Norton.

Neill, M. (2023). The inside-out revolution. Hay House.

Perls, F. (1973). The Gestalt approach and eye witness to therapy. Science and Behavior Books.

Satir, V. (1988). The new peoplemaking. Science and Behavior Books.

Skinner, B. F. (1974). About behaviorism. Knopf.

Contact Ascend Counseling and Wellness to begin your transformation journey, for support in clarifying your desires and overcoming limiting beliefs.

Kevin Brough / Ascend Counseling and Wellness / 435.688.1111

April 26, 2025

Strive for Second Order Change

First and Second Order Change

(Gregory Bateson interpreted by Kevin Brough, 2015)


First Order Change (Note: Pressure goes down at first)
1. Do more or less of something to decrease pressure—a BEHAVIOR CHANGE.
2. Underlying conflict not identified nor resolved
3. Nothing significant and new is learned
4. Efforts bring temporary relief, yet pressure/discomfort returns to the previous level (because the underlying conflict is not named and worked with to loosen its grip on the present moment.)
5. Old Story Still Told and still can’t talk about underlying conflicts that are causing the pressure, and “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” continues to be the story told.

(Note: In first-order change, "pressure" is the enemy, and it is decreased by just moving it around and around to different places within the closed system of marriage---through denial, lying, and controlling (fight, flight, freeze, fawn).

Second Order Change (Note: Pressure goes up at first) TRANSFORMATION — A change in capacity
1. A CHANGE IN THE FOUNDATIONAL AND FUNDAMENTAL Point of View that relooks at all things. A DEVELOPMENTAL CHANGE that supports actions that match more of what is occurring NOW.
2. Identify and address the underlying conflict. Destructive Double Bind is diffused by talking about what is happening and the double bind of “damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” Talking about it, while tolerating the discomfort without criticism and absolute blame, it starts to ease the bind, making room for identifying and addressing the underlying conflict.
3. Learn significant and new things (to address the newly defined underlying conflict.
4. Define and choose who you want to be in this situation FROM THIS NEW WAY OF SEEING THINGS (from WHAT IS NEEDED instead of letting the reaction choose for you). — this is the difference between a behavior change and TRANSFORMATION.
5. The New Story (narrative) can now begin to be told about the same perpetual situations experienced with NEW CLARITY and compassionately and talked about in kinder, yet sometimes more uncomfortable, ways.

(Note: In second-order change, "pressure/discomfort” is more immediate, but its intent is a friendly urge/force that is consciously used to transform the people and the relationship into something entirely new, often surprising to both people---for the better that is anchored in NOW and not just changing words around or putting new labels on old things. It is a fundamental development that leads to growth into maturity and awareness).
———-
Communication improves when the underlying uncomfortable conflicts are discovered, acknowledged, and addressed in a significantly different ongoing manner.
Second-order change involves doing something significantly or fundamentally different from what you have done before. The process is usually irreversible, and once you begin, returning to how you were doing things before becomes impossible.

The Difference Between First and Second-Order Change in Marriage According to Gregory Bateson

Gregory Bateson, a pioneer in systems theory, introduced concepts that offer profound insights into the dynamics of relationships, including marriage. One of his foundational ideas is the distinction between first-order and second-order change. In marriage, first-order change refers to adjustments or modifications made within an existing framework without fundamentally altering the underlying system. These changes tend to be superficial or temporary and often maintain the status quo. For instance, a couple may agree to argue less but fail to address the deeper reasons behind their conflicts. While first-order changes can provide immediate relief, they are unlikely to lead to long-lasting transformation in the relationship.

In contrast, second-order change involves a fundamental shift in the framework or structure of the relationship itself. This change challenges existing patterns, beliefs, and assumptions, leading to a transformative reorganization of the marital system. For example, instead of merely agreeing to communicate better, a couple might engage in therapy to uncover and address the emotional wounds and patterns that drive their conflicts. Second-order change requires deeper introspection, vulnerability, and a willingness to embrace discomfort for the sake of growth. While it demands more effort and commitment, it often results in a more resilient and fulfilling relationship.

The impact of these changes differs significantly. First-order changes can create the illusion of progress while underlying issues remain unaddressed, potentially leading to frustration and stagnation. Second-order changes, however, foster authentic growth by addressing core dynamics and promoting new ways of relating. Couples who achieve second-order change often feel more connected, empowered, and aligned in their shared goals and values. 

Bateson’s distinction underscores the importance of moving beyond surface-level fixes to engage in meaningful transformation.
Understanding the difference between these types of change can guide couples in navigating challenges. They can take deliberate steps toward second-order transformation by recognizing when first-order changes are insufficient. This may involve seeking professional guidance, practicing self-awareness, and cultivating a mindset of curiosity and openness. Ultimately, embracing second-order change can lead to a more adaptive, harmonious, and enduring partnership.


Five Examples of First-Order Change Conversations
1.	Scenario: "Let’s set a rule to never go to bed angry."
        Explanation: The couple agrees on a behavioral guideline but does
           not explore the underlying emotions fueling their arguments.
	Relationship Impact: Temporary improvement, as unresolved feelings may
           resurface later.
2.	Scenario: "We’ll take turns doing the dishes."
	Explanation: A practical adjustment to household duties without addressing
           potential resentment or inequality.
	Relationship Impact: Reduces conflict in the short term but may not resolve
           deeper power dynamics.
3.	Scenario: "Let’s spend Saturday nights together instead of with friends."
	Explanation: Increases time together but does not address the quality of
           connection.
	Relationship Impact: Boosts companionship briefly but may leave emotional
           needs unmet.
4.	Scenario: "I’ll stop checking my phone during dinner."
	Explanation: A behavioral change without exploring why disconnection occurs.
	Relationship Impact: It may improve moments of presence but doesn’t foster
           deeper intimacy.
5.	Scenario: "Let’s schedule weekly date nights."
	Explanation: Creates structure for time together but doesn’t address 
           relational patterns.
	Relationship Impact: Strengthens routine but might not deepen emotional
           bonds.


Five Examples of Second-Order Change Conversations
1.	Scenario: "Why do we argue so much? Let’s explore this in therapy."
	Explanation: Seeks to uncover and address the root causes of conflict.
	Relationship Impact: Facilitates deeper understanding and long-term
           resolution.
2.	Scenario: "How can we create a shared vision for our future?"
	Explanation: Invites collaboration on long-term goals and values.
	Relationship Impact: Strengthens alignment and commitment.
3.	Scenario: "I’ve realized I need to work on my emotional triggers. Will you
           support me?"
	Explanation: I think it shows personal growth areas and asks for
           partnership.
	Relationship Impact: Encourages mutual vulnerability and growth.
4.	Scenario: "Let’s learn how to listen to each other without defensiveness."
	Explanation: Focuses on transforming communication patterns.
	Relationship Impact: Builds trust and emotional safety.
5.	Scenario: "What beliefs about marriage are we holding that might be limiting
           us?"
	Explanation: Questions assumptions to enable paradigm shifts.
	Relationship Impact: Opens new possibilities for connection and growth.

Cheers!! To Second Order Changes. KB

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

April 25, 2025

Breaking Free

Breaking Free: Evidence-Based Strategies for Young Adults to Overcome Self-Doubt and Build Authentic Self-Esteem

Introduction

Self-doubt and low self-esteem have become epidemic among young adults in today’s hyper-connected world. The constant barrage of carefully curated social media content, achievement-oriented educational environments, and economic uncertainty creates fertile ground for comparison, imposter syndrome, and persistent feelings of inadequacy. These psychological barriers don’t just cause emotional discomfort—they actively prevent young people from pursuing opportunities, expressing their authentic selves, and building meaningful relationships.

Research consistently shows that healthy self-esteem is foundational to well-being, resilience, and achievement. It’s not about developing an inflated sense of self-importance, but rather cultivating a balanced, realistic self-perception that acknowledges both strengths and areas for growth. This white paper explores evidence-based therapeutic approaches and practical strategies that can transform how young adults view themselves, ultimately freeing them from self-sabotage and empowering them to live more authentically.

The Self-Esteem Crisis Among Young Adults

Recent studies paint a concerning picture of young adult mental health. A 2023 survey by the American Psychological Association found that 73% of Gen Z adults (ages 18-26) reported struggling with self-doubt that significantly impacted their daily functioning. Similarly, research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology revealed that college students today score approximately 40% higher on measures of self-criticism than their counterparts from the 1980s.

This crisis manifests in multiple ways:

A meta-analysis published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology examined 13 studies focusing on CBT interventions for self-esteem. The analysis found that CBT significantly improved self-esteem, with effects maintained during follow-up assessments.

  • Academic and career self-sabotage: Avoiding challenges, procrastinating, or undermining success due to fears of failure or feeling undeserving
  • Social withdrawal: Limiting meaningful connections due to fears of rejection or beliefs that one is inherently unlovable
  • Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards that perpetuate feelings of inadequacy when inevitably unmet
  • Negative self-talk: Maintaining an internal dialogue filled with criticism, doubt, and harsh judgment

The good news is that psychological research has identified numerous evidence-based techniques for building healthy self-esteem. Let’s explore these approaches.

1. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: Restructuring Self-Defeating Thoughts

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is one of the most empirically supported approaches for addressing negative self-perception and building self-esteem. At its core, CBT addresses the fundamental relationship between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, helping individuals identify and challenge the distorted thinking patterns that fuel self-doubt.

The Thought-Feeling-Behavior Connection

Young adults with low self-esteem often engage in automatic negative thoughts that go unchallenged. For example, after receiving constructive feedback, someone might immediately think, “I’m completely incompetent and will never succeed.” This thought triggers feelings of shame and anxiety, which then lead to avoidance behaviors that reinforce the original negative belief.

CBT breaks this cycle by teaching individuals to:

  1. Identify cognitive distortions: Recognizing patterns like all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, or personalization
  2. Gather evidence: Objectively evaluating the accuracy of negative self-beliefs
  3. Develop alternative perspectives: Creating more balanced, realistic interpretations

Research-Backed CBT Techniques for Self-Esteem

Two efficient CBT exercises include:

Thought Records: Documenting negative thoughts, identifying the distortion type, and creating alternative responses. For example:

  • Negative thought: “I completely bombed that presentation. Everyone thinks I’m incompetent.”
  • Evidence for: “I stumbled over a few words.”
  • Evidence against: “I covered all key points. Three people complimented specific aspects afterward.”
  • Balanced thought: “While I wasn’t perfect, I communicated the essential information effectively. Public speaking is a skill I’m still developing.”

Behavioral Experiments involve testing negative predictions through real-world actions. For instance, if someone believes, “If I share my opinion in class, everyone will think I’m stupid,” they might intentionally contribute to the discussion and record actual outcomes, which typically contradict catastrophic expectations.

2. Mindfulness Practices: Cultivating Present-Moment Awareness and Self-Acceptance

While CBT addresses the content of negative thoughts, mindfulness-based approaches focus on changing one’s relationship to thoughts and emotions. Rather than being swept away by self-criticism, mindfulness teaches young adults to observe their inner experiences with curiosity and compassion.

The Science Behind Mindfulness and Self-Esteem

Research in neuropsychology has demonstrated that regular mindfulness practice can change brain structure and function in areas related to self-perception. A study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience found that after an 8-week mindfulness program, participants showed decreased activity in the default mode network—a brain region associated with self-referential thoughts and rumination—and increased self-compassion scores.

Practical Mindfulness Techniques for Young Adults

Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC): Developed by Drs. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, MSC, combine mindfulness with self-directed kindness. Research shows that self-compassion is strongly linked to psychological well-being and resilience against self-doubt.

A core MSC practice is the “Self-Compassion Break”:

  1. Acknowledge suffering: “This is a moment of difficulty.”
  2. Recognize common humanity: “Struggle is part of shared human experience.”
  3. Offer self-kindness: “May I be kind to myself now.”

S.T.O.P. Practice: This brief mindfulness exercise is beneficial during moments of intense self-criticism:

  • Stop what you’re doing
  • Take a few breaths
  • Observe your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment
  • Proceed with awareness and intention

Regularly implementing these practices helps young adults develop the capacity to witness self-critical thoughts rather than become entangled in them. Over time, this creates psychological space for more balanced self-evaluation.

3. Positive Psychology: Leveraging Character Strengths and Fostering Growth Mindset

While addressing negative patterns is crucial, building self-esteem requires actively cultivating positive self-perception. Positive psychology offers evidence-based approaches for identifying personal strengths and developing a growth-oriented perspective.

Strengths-Based Assessment and Application

Research from the VIA Institute on Character has demonstrated that identifying and regularly using personal character strengths significantly increases well-being and self-efficacy. The VIA Classification includes 24 character strengths organized under six core virtues, providing a comprehensive framework for recognizing personal assets.

Young adults can:

  1. Complete the free VIA Survey (available at viacharacter.org)
  2. Identify “signature strengths”—their top 5-7 naturally occurring strengths
  3. Intentionally apply these strengths in daily activities and challenges

For instance, someone with the signature strength of “love of learning” might reframe academic challenges as opportunities to deepen knowledge rather than tests of fixed ability. This perspective shift helps transform potential triggers for self-doubt into sources of engagement and confidence.

Cultivating Growth Mindset

Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck’s research on mindset has revolutionized our understanding of achievement and self-perception. Her studies show that individuals with a “growth mindset”—who view abilities as developable through effort and learning—demonstrate greater resilience, achievement, and positive self-regard than those with a “fixed mindset.”

For young adults struggling with self-doubt, developing a growth mindset involves:

  • Reframing failures as learning opportunities
  • Celebrating effort and process rather than focusing exclusively on outcomes
  • Using the word “yet” (e.g., “I haven’t mastered this skill yet”)
  • Seeking challenges that stretch capabilities

A longitudinal study published in Child Development found that brief growth mindset interventions significantly improved academic achievement and self-esteem, with effects persisting for up to nine months.

4. Dialectical Behavior Therapy: Building Emotional Regulation and Distress Tolerance

Many young adults with self-esteem issues struggle with intense emotional reactions that reinforce negative self-perception. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), initially developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, offers powerful tools for managing difficult emotions and building self-respect.

Core DBT Skills for Self-Esteem Enhancement

Emotional Regulation: DBT teaches specific techniques for identifying, understanding, and moderating emotional responses. This helps young adults avoid the emotional overwhelm that often triggers harsh self-judgment.

Key practices include:

  • The “PLEASE” skill (treating Physical illness, balanced Eating, avoiding mood-Altering substances, balanced Sleep, and Exercise)
  • Opposite action (acting contrary to the urge produced by painful emotions)
  • Building positive emotional experiences

Distress Tolerance: These skills help individuals cope with painful situations without worsening them through impulsive reactions that later become sources of self-criticism.

Research in the Journal of Clinical Psychology demonstrated that DBT-based interventions significantly improved self-concept and decreased self-destructive behaviors among young adults.

5. Self-Compassion Practice: The Antidote to Self-Criticism

Self-compassion represents perhaps the most direct antidote to the harsh self-criticism that undermines young adult self-esteem. Dr. Kristin Neff, the pioneering researcher in this field, defines self-compassion as having three components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

The Research Case for Self-Compassion

Multiple studies have found that self-compassion predicts psychological well-being more strongly than self-esteem. Unlike traditional self-esteem, which can be contingent on achievement or comparison to others, self-compassion provides a stable foundation for positive self-regard.

A meta-analysis published in Personality and Social Psychology Review examining 79 studies found that self-compassion was strongly associated with fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety, greater life satisfaction, and greater emotional resilience.

Practical Self-Compassion Exercises

Self-Compassionate Letter: Writing a letter to oneself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving friend who clearly sees all your strengths and struggles.

Compassionate Touch: Placing a hand on your heart, cheek, or arm during moments of distress activates the parasympathetic nervous system and releases oxytocin, according to research.

Changing Critical Self-Talk: Reframing self-talk to be encouraging rather than harsh. For example, replacing “You’re so lazy and disorganized” with “You’re having difficulty getting motivated right now. What small step could you take?”

6. Trauma-Informed Approaches: Healing Deeper Wounds

For many young adults, self-esteem issues have roots in adverse childhood experiences, relational trauma, or identity-based discrimination. Addressing these deeper wounds often requires trauma-informed approaches.

Understanding Trauma’s Impact on Self-Perception

Research from the field of developmental trauma reveals that early experiences of criticism, neglect, or abuse can become internalized as core beliefs about one’s fundamental worth and lovability. These beliefs operate at an implicit level, often outside conscious awareness, yet profoundly influence self-perception and behavior.

Effective Trauma-Informed Strategies

Internal Family Systems (IFS): This evidence-based therapy helps individuals identify and heal “parts” of themselves that carry shame or negative self-beliefs resulting from painful experiences. Research published in the Journal of Psychotherapy Integration found that IFS therapy significantly improved self-concept and reduced shame.

Somatic Approaches: Recognizing that trauma and self-doubt are stored in the body, somatic approaches help young adults reconnect with physical sensations as a pathway to healing. Practices might include:

  • Body scans to identify where tension manifests during self-criticism
  • Grounding techniques to establish safety during activated states
  • Movement practices that promote agency and self-expression

7. Social Connection and Community Belonging

Humans are inherently social creatures, and our sense of self is deeply intertwined with our relationships. For young adults navigating self-doubt, meaningful connection and community belonging provide crucial external validation and support for developing healthier self-perception.

The Research Connection Between Relationships and Self-Esteem

A longitudinal study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that the quality of close relationships predicted changes in self-esteem over time more strongly than professional or academic achievements. Other research demonstrates that feelings of belonging and social connectedness buffer against the impact of adverse events on self-worth.

Building Supportive Social Environments

Young adults can strengthen self-esteem through:

Authentic Self-Disclosure: Gradually sharing genuine thoughts, feelings, and experiences with trusted others, which research shows deepens connections and provides opportunities for validation.

Contribution and Purpose: Engaging in meaningful service or collaborative projects that highlight one’s ability to positively impact others and belong to something larger than oneself.

Selective Social Media Use: Intentionally curating online experiences to minimize comparison triggers and maximize genuine connection.

Yeager, D. S., & Dweck, C. S. (2020). What can be learned from growth mindset controversies? American Psychologist, 75(9), 1269-1284.

Practical Implementation: Creating Your Personalized Self-Esteem Building Plan

The most effective approach to building authentic self-esteem combines multiple strategies tailored to individual needs and preferences. Young adults can create a personalized plan using the following framework:

  1. Assessment: Identify specific manifestations of self-doubt (e.g., perfectionism, fear of judgment, avoidance behaviors)
  2. Strategy Selection: Choose 2-3 approaches from this paper that resonate most strongly
  3. Habit Integration: Implement small, consistent practices rather than attempting dramatic changes
  4. Progress Tracking: Monitor changes in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors using journaling or digital tools
  5. Professional Support: Consider working with a therapist or coach trained in evidence-based approaches

Conclusion: From Self-Doubt to Authentic Self-Expression

Building healthy self-esteem is not about eliminating all self-doubt or achieving constant confidence. Instead, it’s about developing a resilient, compassionate relationship with oneself that allows for authentic expression and meaningful engagement with life despite inevitable uncertainties and setbacks.

The evidence-based approaches outlined in this white paper—from cognitive restructuring and mindfulness to strengths-based practices and trauma healing—offer young adults concrete pathways for transforming their relationship with themselves. By consistently implementing these strategies, young adults can break free from self-sabotage patterns and develop the internal resources needed to pursue their aspirations, express their unique gifts, and build meaningful connections.

The journey toward authentic self-esteem may not always be a linear process. Still, each step taken toward self-understanding and self-compassion represents a powerful act of personal liberation. Developing these internal resources may be among the most essential investments young adults can make in their future well-being and fulfillment in a world that often seems designed to undermine self-worth.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

American Psychological Association. (2023). Stress in America: The impact of stress on American youth.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2019). Teaching the mindful self-compassion program: A guide for professionals. Guilford Publications.

Harris, M. A., & Orth, U. (2020). The link between self-esteem and social relationships: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 119(6), 1459-1477.

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28-44.

Neff, K. D., & Vonk, R. (2009). Self-compassion versus global self-esteem: Two different ways of relating to oneself. Journal of Personality, 77(1), 23-50.

Park, N., Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Strengths of character and well-being. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 23(5), 603-619.

Zessin, U., Dickhäuser, O., & Garbade, S. (2015). The relationship between self‐compassion and well‐being: A meta‐analysis. Applied Psychology: Health and Well‐Being, 7(3), 340-364.