mindfulness

November 26, 2025

Finding Your Center

Finding Your Center: How Your Body, Heart, Mind, and Spirit Work Together for Well-Being

By Kevin Todd Brough, M.A., MFT

Have you ever noticed that when you’re stressed, it’s hard to think clearly? Or that when you’re anxious, your body feels tense and your emotions feel overwhelming? This isn’t a coincidence—it’s your body, heart, mind, and spirit all communicating with each other.

For over two decades, I’ve been exploring a simple but powerful idea: when we find a centered place within ourselves—what I call our Vantage Point—and develop the ability to move flexibly between different parts of our experience—what I call Fluid Perspective—we gain access to our whole, integrated self.

The exciting news? Modern research supports what many wisdom traditions have taught for centuries: there’s real science behind finding your center.

What Is a “Vantage Point”?

Imagine standing on a hilltop where you can see the entire landscape below—the valleys, the rivers, the forests, and the paths connecting them. From this elevated position, you can observe everything without being lost in any single area.

Your inner Vantage Point works the same way. It’s a calm, centered place within you from which you can observe your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, and a more profound sense of meaning—without being overwhelmed by any of them. Different therapy approaches have different names for this:

Wise Mind in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (Linehan, 2015)

The Observing Self in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (Hayes et al., 2012)

The Self in Internal Family Systems, characterized by calmness, curiosity, clarity, and compassion (Schwartz, 2021)

The fact that so many different approaches point to the same thing suggests this capacity is fundamental to human well-being.

The Four Parts of You

From your Vantage Point, you can observe four essential aspects of your experience:

Mind — Your thoughts, analysis, planning, and problem-solving

Heart — Your emotions, feelings, and relational connections

Body — Your physical sensations, energy, and somatic experience

Spirit — Your sense of meaning, purpose, values, and connection to something larger

Fluid Perspective is the ability to move flexibly between these four areas—to check in with your body, listen to your emotions, engage your thinking, and connect with your deeper values—without getting stuck in any one place.

When all four are working together in harmony, you experience what I call your Whole Soul—a state of integration where you feel unified, clear, and authentically yourself.

The Body: Your Foundation for Finding Center

Here’s something I’ve observed in my clinical work that research thoroughly supports: the body is often the fastest pathway to your Vantage Point.

When your body relaxes and grounds, your emotions naturally begin to calm. When your emotions settle, your mind can find peace and clarity. And when body, heart, and mind come into harmony, you become more open to spirit—to meaning, purpose, and connection.

This isn’t just philosophy—it’s measurable physiology.

What Happens When You Find Your Center

Researchers at the HeartMath Institute have discovered that when we enter a calm, centered state, our heart rhythm changes. Instead of an erratic, jagged pattern, our heart rate variability becomes smooth and wave-like—a state they call coherence (McCraty & Childre, 2010).

During coherence, something remarkable happens: our breathing, heart rhythm, and even brain waves begin to synchronize. Scientists call this entrainment—different systems in your body literally coming into harmony with each other.

The research shows that in this coherent state, we think more clearly, feel more emotionally stable, and experience greater overall well-being. Our body and brain simply work better together (McCraty et al., 2009).

Why Safety Matters

Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory helps explain why finding your center can feel so difficult when you’re stressed (Porges, 2011). Your nervous system is constantly scanning for safety or threat—usually without your awareness.

When your nervous system detects safety, it activates what Porges calls the “social engagement system”—your heart rate slows, your body relaxes, and you become capable of connection, clear thinking, and calm presence. This is the physiological foundation of your Vantage Point.

When your nervous system detects a threat, it shifts into fight-flight mode (anxiety, racing thoughts) or shutdown mode (numbness, disconnection). In these states, accessing your centered Vantage Point becomes much harder—not because something is wrong with you, but because your biology is doing precisely what it’s designed to do.

The good news? We can learn to signal safety to our nervous system through practices such as slow breathing, grounding, and intentional body awareness.

Does This Really Work? What Research Shows

Yes! Multiple research reviews have found substantial effects for practices that help us regulate our body-heart-mind connection:

A significant analysis found that heart rate variability biofeedback significantly reduces anxiety and stress (Goessl et al., 2017).

Research on body-focused trauma therapy (Somatic Experiencing) shows positive effects on PTSD symptoms and overall well-being (Brom et al., 2017).

Studies on mindfulness meditation show it changes brain activity in ways associated with improved attention and emotional regulation (Hasenkamp & Barsalou, 2012).

In other words, when we practice finding our center, our brains and bodies actually change in measurable, positive ways.

Simple Ways to Find Your Vantage Point

Here are some practices you can start using today:

1. Ground Through Your Body

Feel your feet on the floor. Notice where your body makes contact with the chair. Take a slow breath. This simple practice signals safety to your nervous system.

2. Breathe for Coherence

Slow, rhythmic breathing (about 5-6 breaths per minute) helps your heart rhythm become coherent. Try breathing in for 5 counts, out for 5 counts.

3. Check In With All Four Parts

Ask yourself: What is my body feeling? What emotions are present? What is my mind saying? What does my spirit need?

4. Create an Anchor

Find a word, image, or gesture that represents your centered state. Practice accessing this anchor daily so it becomes easier to find your Vantage Point when you need it most.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Remember: losing your center is normal and human. The goal isn’t to stay centered all the time—it’s to develop the ability to return to center when you notice you’ve drifted from it.

Your Whole Soul Is Wiser Than Any Part

When we’re stuck in just one part of ourselves—caught in anxious thoughts, overwhelmed by emotion, disconnected from our body, or cut off from meaning—we lose access to our full wisdom.

But when we find our Vantage Point and can move fluidly between mind, heart, body, and spirit, something powerful happens: we access the integrated wisdom of our Whole Soul.

This isn’t about being perfect or never struggling. It’s about developing the capacity to observe your experience with compassion, to listen to all parts of yourself, and to respond from a place of wholeness rather than fragmentation.

The research confirms what many have intuitively known: we are designed for integration. And with practice, we can learn to come home to ourselves.

Ready to explore these concepts further? I work with individuals and couples to develop these capacities within a supportive therapeutic relationship. Contact Ascend Counseling & Wellness to learn more about how therapy can help you find your center and access your Whole Soul.

References

Brom, D., et al. (2017). Somatic experiencing for posttraumatic stress disorder: A randomized controlled outcome study. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 30(3), 304-312.

Goessl, V. C., Curtiss, J. E., & Hofmann, S. G. (2017). The effect of heart rate variability biofeedback training on stress and anxiety: A meta-analysis. Psychological Medicine, 47(15), 2578-2586.

Hasenkamp, W., & Barsalou, L. W. (2012). Effects of meditation experience on functional connectivity of distributed brain networks. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 6, 38.

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

McCraty, R., Atkinson, M., Tomasino, D., & Bradley, R. T. (2009). The coherent heart: Heart-brain interactions, psychophysiological coherence, and the emergence of system-wide order. Integral Review, 5(2), 10-115.

McCraty, R., & Childre, D. (2010). Coherence: Bridging personal, social, and global health. Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine, 16(4), 10-24.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model. Sounds True.

Ascend Counseling and Wellness – ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

October 3, 2025

Reclamation Before Transformation

Reclaiming Your Self: Building the Foundation for Optimal Mental and Emotional Health

By Kevin Brough MFT

When trauma touches our lives, it often feels as though we’ve lost something essential—a core part of who we truly are. We may find ourselves responding to life in ways that feel foreign, disconnected from the person we once knew ourselves to be. The journey toward healing isn’t about becoming someone new; it’s about reclaiming the Self that has always been there, waiting patiently beneath the protective layers we’ve developed to survive.

As a therapist working with individuals navigating the aftermath of trauma, I’ve witnessed time and again the transformative power of understanding what mental and emotional health truly requires. This article explores a comprehensive framework for building that foundation—one that integrates practical daily structures (the 5 C’s of mental health) with a deeper understanding of your inherent, undamaged core Self (the 8 C’s and 5 P’s from Internal Family Systems therapy).

Understanding the Foundation: Two Frameworks, One Goal

Before we dive deeper, let me clarify something that might initially seem confusing: we’ll be discussing two different sets of “C’s” in this article. Think of them as complementary rather than competing. The first set—Connection, Compassion, Coping, Community, and Care—represents the external structures and daily practices that support mental health (Dialectical Behavior Therapy [DBT] Community, 2024). These are the actionable steps you can take today to build resilience and stability.

The second set comes from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and describes the qualities of your core Self—the undamaged, wise, compassionate center that exists within you regardless of what you’ve experienced (Schwartz, 2021). These include eight C-qualities (Curiosity, Compassion, Calm, Clarity, Courage, Confidence, Creativity, and Connectedness) and five P-qualities (Presence, Perspective, Patience, Persistence, and Playfulness). Rather than tasks to complete, these represent inherent capacities you already possess that trauma may have temporarily obscured.

Together, these frameworks offer both a roadmap for daily action and a vision of the Self you’re reclaiming.

The Trauma Paradox: When Protection Becomes Prison

Trauma fundamentally alters how we relate to ourselves and the world. When we experience overwhelming events, our psyche develops protective strategies—what IFS calls “parts”—that help us survive (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). These parts may manifest as hypervigilance, emotional numbing, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or countless other patterns. While these responses served us when we needed them, they can eventually separate us from our core Self, creating a sense of living life at arm’s length from our own experience.

The beautiful paradox of healing is this: the Self you’re seeking to reclaim has never actually left. It’s been present all along, waiting for the conditions that allow it to emerge. By building external structures that create safety and stability (the first 5 C’s) while simultaneously recognizing and nurturing your inherent Self-qualities (the IFS C’s and P’s), you create the conditions for profound transformation.

The Daily Foundation: The 5 C’s of Mental Health Practice

Let’s begin with the practical framework that creates structure in your daily life. These five components work synergistically to build a foundation strong enough to support the deeper work of Self-reclamation.

Connection: Building Bridges to Others and Yourself

Connection forms the cornerstone of mental health, yet trauma often teaches us that relationships are dangerous or unpredictable. The first step in reclaiming your Self involves intentionally building and nurturing relationships that reflect your worth and humanity.

Daily practices for strengthening connection:

  • Schedule regular, meaningful contact with at least one trusted person—even a brief text or phone call counts
  • Practice vulnerable communication by sharing one authentic feeling or need each day
  • Join a support group, therapy group, or community organization where shared experience creates natural bonds
  • Notice and gently challenge the protective parts that tell you to isolate

When we connect authentically with others, we create mirrors that reflect back our inherent worthiness. These relationships become laboratories where we can practice expressing our true Self in increasingly safe contexts.

Compassion: The Antidote to Self-Criticism

Trauma survivors often develop harsh inner critics that replay messages of worthlessness, shame, or inadequacy. Compassion—particularly self-compassion—directly counters these internalized wounds by offering what researcher Kristin Neff calls “the three elements of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness” (Neff, 2003, p. 224).

Cultivating daily compassion:

  • When you notice self-critical thoughts, pause and ask: “Would I speak this way to someone I love?”
  • Develop a compassionate self-talk practice, perhaps placing a hand over your heart and speaking kindly to yourself
  • Recognize that your struggles connect you to humanity rather than separate you from it
  • Extend compassion outward to others, noticing how this practice naturally circles back to yourself

Compassion creates the internal environment where your core Self can safely emerge. When you stop attacking yourself for having been hurt, you create space for healing.

Coping: Tools for the Journey

Healthy coping strategies are the practical skills that help you navigate difficult emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Unlike the survival mechanisms that trauma installed, conscious coping practices work with your nervous system rather than against it.

Building your coping toolkit:

  • Develop a personalized set of grounding techniques (deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, 5-4-3-2-1 sensory awareness)
  • Create a “coping menu” with options for different emotional states—what helps when you’re anxious may differ from what helps when you’re numb
  • Practice distress tolerance skills that help you ride emotional waves without destructive action
  • Engage in regular activities that regulate your nervous system (exercise, creative expression, time in nature)

Effective coping isn’t about making difficult feelings disappear; it’s about developing the capacity to be with your experience while maintaining connection to your Self. Over time, you’ll notice that the C-qualities of your core Self (particularly Calm and Courage) become more accessible when you have reliable coping practices in place.

Community: Finding Your Tribe

Trauma often occurs in isolation and heals in community. Being part of something larger than yourself provides perspective, purpose, and the reminder that you’re not alone in your struggles. Community engagement combats the shame that thrives in secrecy and creates opportunities for meaningful contribution.

Engaging with community:

  • Identify communities that align with your values or interests, whether local or online
  • Start small—attend one event, join one online group, volunteer for a few hours
  • Look for communities specifically designed for healing, such as trauma support groups or 12-step programs
  • Remember that contributing to community is as healing as receiving support from it

In healthy community, you have the opportunity to discover and express aspects of your Self that may have been dormant. You might rediscover the Creativity, Playfulness, or Connectedness that trauma temporarily buried.

Care: Stewarding Your Whole Being

Care represents the commitment to actively tend to your mental, emotional, and physical health. It’s the practice of treating yourself as someone worth investing in—a radical act for those whose trauma taught them otherwise.

Implementing comprehensive care:

  • Establish non-negotiable self-care routines (adequate sleep, nourishing food, movement, rest)
  • Seek professional support when needed, recognizing that therapy is a sign of wisdom, not weakness
  • Create boundaries that protect your energy and well-being
  • Regularly assess whether your daily choices align with your values and long-term flourishing

Care is where intention meets action. It’s the daily decision to honor your needs and prioritize your healing, even when parts of you protest or minimize your suffering.

The Core Self: Qualities You Already Possess

As you build these external structures through the daily 5 C’s, you simultaneously create conditions for your core Self to emerge more fully. Internal Family Systems therapy offers a profound truth: beneath your protective parts lies an undamaged Self characterized by specific qualities that don’t need to be learned or earned—they simply need to be accessed (Schwartz, 2021).

The 8 C-Qualities of Self

These qualities naturally arise when you’re Self-led rather than led by traumatized parts:

Curiosity replaces judgment, allowing you to approach your inner experience and outer world with openness. Instead of avoiding difficult emotions or experiences, you become genuinely interested in understanding them.

Compassion flows naturally from Self, offering warmth and kindness to all parts of your internal system and to others. This isn’t compassion you force yourself to feel—it emerges organically when you’re Self-led.

Calm provides the internal steadiness that allows you to face challenges without becoming overwhelmed. This isn’t the false calm of dissociation but rather a grounded, present equanimity.

Clarity cuts through the confusion that trauma creates, allowing you to see situations accurately and make decisions aligned with your truth. You recognize patterns without getting lost in them.

Courage enables you to face what you’ve avoided, to speak your truth, and to take risks in service of your healing and growth. This courage isn’t reckless—it’s grounded in Self-trust.

Confidence emerges as you recognize your inherent capacity to handle life’s challenges. This isn’t arrogance but rather a realistic acknowledgment of your resilience and capability.

Creativity allows fresh perspectives and novel solutions to emerge. You discover your ability to approach problems flexibly and express yourself authentically.

Connectedness reflects your natural capacity for healthy relationship—with yourself, others, and something larger than yourself. You recognize your place in the web of life.

The 5 P-Qualities of Self

These additional qualities further describe what emerges when you’re Self-led:

Presence means fully inhabiting the present moment rather than being pulled into past trauma or future anxiety. You’re here, now, available to your life as it unfolds.

Perspective allows you to hold the bigger picture without minimizing or catastrophizing. You can zoom out when needed, recognizing that difficult moments are part of a larger journey.

Patience replaces the urgency that trauma often instills. You trust the timing of your healing and development, understanding that growth can’t be rushed.

Persistence provides the endurance to continue showing up for yourself and your healing, even when progress feels slow or you encounter setbacks.

Playfulness reconnects you with joy, spontaneity, and lightness. It’s the antidote to the heaviness that trauma imposes, reminding you that life can include delight.

Integration: Reclaiming Your Self Through Daily Practice

The magic happens when these frameworks work together. As you engage the daily practices of Connection, Compassion, Coping, Community, and Care, you create the safety and stability that allows your core Self-qualities to emerge more consistently. Simultaneously, as you recognize and access your inherent C’s and P’s, you find yourself naturally drawn to practices that support mental health.

This isn’t a linear process. Some days, you’ll feel firmly rooted in Self, experiencing Calm, Clarity, and Compassion with ease. Other days, protective parts will take the lead, and you’ll need to rely more heavily on your external coping strategies. Both are part of the journey.

Your Commitment to Reclamation

Reclaiming your Self after trauma is both the simplest and most challenging work you’ll ever do. Simple because your Self is already there, complete and undamaged, requiring only the conditions to emerge. Challenging because creating those conditions means facing what you’ve survived and gradually releasing the protective patterns that once kept you safe but now keep you small.

I invite you to make this commitment to yourself:

I commit to building the daily structures (Connection, Compassion, Coping, Community, Care) that support my mental and emotional health. I commit to recognizing that beneath my trauma and protective strategies lies a core Self characterized by Curiosity, Compassion, Calm, Clarity, Courage, Confidence, Creativity, and Connectedness—along with Presence, Perspective, Patience, Persistence, and Playfulness. I commit to approaching my healing with patience and persistence, trusting that my true Self is not lost but merely waiting to be reclaimed. I commit to treating myself as someone worth investing in, worthy of the time and effort that healing requires.

Moving Forward: From Understanding to Ownership

Understanding these frameworks intellectually is valuable, but transformation requires moving from knowledge to embodied practice. Consider these steps as you begin:

  1. Start where you are. You don’t need to implement everything at once. Choose one element from the daily 5 C’s to focus on this week. Perhaps you commit to reaching out to one person (Connection) or establishing one self-care routine (Care).
  2. Practice Self-recognition. Several times each day, pause and notice which C- or P-quality is present. When you notice Curiosity arising, acknowledge it: “This is my Self showing up.” This simple recognition strengthens your relationship with your core Self.
  3. Work with your parts. When you notice resistance, criticism, or protection, recognize these as parts trying to help. Rather than fighting them, approach them with curiosity: “What are you afraid will happen if you let my Self lead right now?”
  4. Seek support. Consider working with a therapist trained in IFS or trauma-focused approaches who can guide you in accessing Self and healing the wounds that keep parts activated.
  5. Celebrate small victories. Each moment of Self-leadership, each practice of one of the 5 C’s, each recognition of your inherent qualities—these are victories worth acknowledging.

The Vision: Your Optimal Future

Close your eyes for a moment and envision your life when you’re consistently Self-led, when the daily 5 C’s form your foundation. What does your life look like when Calm, Clarity, and Connectedness characterize your days? How do you show up in relationships when Compassion and Courage lead? What becomes possible when you approach challenges with Creativity and Perspective?

This vision isn’t fantasy—it’s your birthright. It’s the life that becomes available when you reclaim your Self from the protective patterns trauma installed. The person you’re becoming isn’t someone new; it’s who you’ve always been beneath the armor.

Your optimal future isn’t somewhere distant you must strive to reach. It’s revealed gradually, moment by moment, as you practice the 5 C’s and recognize the Self-qualities that have always been yours. You’re not building yourself from scratch; you’re excavating the treasure that was temporarily buried.

The journey of reclaiming your Self is both profound and practical, mystical and mundane. It requires daily commitment to structures that support mental health while simultaneously recognizing that beneath your wounds lies a core that trauma never touched. In this paradox lies your freedom: you have work to do, and you’re already whole. Both are true.

Welcome home to your Self. The journey begins—or continues—right now, in this moment, with this next breath, with this next conscious choice to honor who you truly are.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness, St. George, Utah – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Community. (2024). What are the 5 C’s of mental health? 24/7 DCT. https://247dct.org/what-are-the-5-cs-of-mental-health/

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model. Sounds True.

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Kevin Brough is a therapist specializing in trauma recovery and treatment. He works with individuals seeking to reclaim their authentic selves and build sustainable foundations for mental and emotional health.

September 10, 2025

Congruency & Harmony

Finding Your Inner Harmony: How Parts Work Can Heal Trauma and Transform Your Life

Discovering the power of working with—rather than against—all aspects of yourself

Have you ever noticed that sometimes you feel like you’re at war with yourself? Maybe part of you desperately wants to pursue a dream, while another part holds you back with fear and doubt. Or perhaps you find yourself being incredibly loving and patient with others, yet harshly critical of yourself. You might even catch yourself saying things like “Part of me wants to…” or “I’m torn between…” without realizing you’re actually describing something profound about how your mind naturally works.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. What you’re experiencing is the natural multiplicity of the human psyche, and understanding this can be the key to profound healing and personal transformation.

The Revolutionary Understanding: You Are Not One, But Many

For decades, psychology has been moving away from the idea that we each have one fixed personality toward recognizing that we all naturally contain multiple aspects or “parts” within ourselves (Schwartz, 2021). This isn’t a sign of mental illness—it’s how healthy minds naturally organize themselves to navigate the complexity of human life.

Think about it: You probably show up differently when you’re at work versus when you’re playing with children. You have a part that’s responsible and organized, another that’s playful and spontaneous, perhaps one that’s cautious and another that’s adventurous. These aren’t different personalities—they’re different facets of your complete self, each with its own wisdom and gifts.

“The goal isn’t to eliminate parts of ourselves, but to create internal harmony where all parts can coexist and contribute their unique strengths.” — Richard Schwartz, creator of Internal Family Systems

When Parts Work Against Each Other: The Roots of Inner Conflict

Problems arise when our parts become polarized against each other or when some parts take over to protect us from old wounds. This often happens as a result of trauma, difficult life experiences, or simply growing up in a world that taught us certain parts of ourselves were “unacceptable.”

For example, if you were hurt or rejected in childhood, you might have developed:

  • A protective part that keeps you isolated to avoid future rejection
  • A critical part that constantly points out your flaws to prevent mistakes
  • A people-pleasing part that sacrifices your needs to maintain a connection
  • A wounded part that still carries the original pain and fear

When these parts operate independently without communication, you end up feeling fragmented, conflicted, and exhausted from the internal battle (Van der Hart et al., 2006).

The Promise of Parts Work: Integration, Not Elimination

Here’s the revolutionary insight that forms the foundation of all parts-based healing approaches: Every part of you developed for good reasons, and every part has gifts to offer. The goal isn’t to eliminate “difficult” parts, but to understand what they’re trying to protect and help them find healthier ways to contribute.

Parts work—whether through Internal Family Systems (IFS), inner child healing, or other related approaches—offers a compassionate pathway to:

  • Understand rather than judge your internal conflicts
  • Heal old wounds that keep parts stuck in protective patterns
  • Integrate all aspects of yourself into a harmonious whole
  • Access your wise, centered Self that can lead with compassion

Your Wise, Unbroken Self: The Leader Within

One of the most hopeful discoveries of parts work is that beneath all the protective patterns and wounded parts lies what IFS calls your “Self”—your essential, wise, and compassionate core, which was never damaged by trauma or difficult experiences (Schwartz, 2021). This Self has the capacity to:

  • Hold space for all your parts with curiosity and compassion
  • Make decisions from wisdom rather than fear
  • Heal the wounds that keep parts stuck in old patterns
  • Lead your internal system with kindness and clarity

When you learn to access and strengthen this Self-leadership, everything changes. Instead of being caught in internal battles, you become the calm, loving presence that can help all your parts feel heard, valued, and safe.

What Parts Work Looks Like: A Journey of Self-Compassion

Parts work isn’t about analyzing yourself into pieces—it’s about developing a loving relationship with every aspect of who you are. In therapy, this might involve:

Getting to Know Your Parts

  • Identifying the different aspects of yourself and the roles they play
  • Understanding what each part is trying to protect or achieve
  • Recognizing when parts are activated by current situations

Healing Old Wounds

  • Helping wounded parts share their stories and pain
  • Providing the care and understanding they needed but didn’t receive
  • Releasing the burdens of shame, fear, and trauma they’ve been carrying

Negotiating New Relationships

  • Helping protective parts trust your Self to handle challenges
  • Finding healthy ways for all parts to express their gifts
  • Creating internal collaboration instead of conflict

Living from Self-Leadership

  • Making decisions from your wise, centered Self
  • Responding to life’s challenges with all your parts’ resources
  • Maintaining internal harmony even during stress

The Profound Healing Possible

When people engage in parts work, they often experience transformations that feel almost miraculous:

  • Inner peace replaces constant self-criticism and conflict
  • Authentic relationships become possible when you’re not hiding parts of yourself
  • Creative expression flows when previously suppressed parts are welcomed
  • Emotional resilience develops as you learn to care for yourself with compassion
  • Life purpose becomes clearer when all your parts can contribute their wisdom

Research has shown that parts-based approaches like IFS are effective for treating trauma, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and relationship difficulties (Hodgdon et al., 2022; Shadick et al., 2013). But beyond symptom relief, people report feeling more whole, authentic, and alive than ever before.

Signs That Parts Work Might Be Right for You

Consider parts work if you:

  • Feel like you’re “at war with yourself” or constantly conflicted
  • Notice harsh self-criticism or perfectionism
  • Experience anxiety, depression, or trauma symptoms
  • Feel disconnected from your authentic self
  • Have relationship patterns you want to change
  • Want to heal from childhood wounds or difficult experiences
  • Feel like some parts of your personality are “stuck” or immature
  • Long to feel more integrated and whole

Beginning Your Journey: First Steps Toward Inner Harmony

If parts work resonates with you, here are some ways to begin:

Start with Self-Compassion

  • Notice when you’re being self-critical and try speaking to yourself with kindness
  • Practice asking, “What is this part of me trying to protect or achieve?”
  • Treat your internal conflicts with curiosity rather than judgment

Pay Attention to Your Inner Voices

  • Notice the different “voices” or perspectives inside you
  • Instead of fighting difficult emotions, try asking what they need
  • Practice thanking your parts for trying to help, even when their methods are outdated

Seek Professional Support

  • Look for therapists trained in parts-based approaches like IFS, inner child work, or other trauma-informed therapy
  • Consider that healing happens in a collaborative relationship—having a compassionate witness can accelerate your journey
  • Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness

A New Way of Being Human

Parts work offers something our culture desperately needs: a way of being human that honors complexity, embraces all emotions, and treats every aspect of ourselves with dignity and respect. Instead of trying to be “perfect” or eliminating parts of yourself you don’t like, you can learn to be a loving leader of your own internal community.

Imagine what it would feel like to:

  • Wake up without that critical voice immediately pointing out everything wrong
  • Make decisions from wisdom and self-love rather than fear
  • Feel confident in who you are, knowing all your parts are valued
  • Approach challenges with the full resources of your integrated self
  • Live authentically without hiding or rejecting parts of yourself

This isn’t fantasy—it’s the natural state of a healthy, integrated human being. And it’s available to you.

Your Invitation to Wholeness

Your journey toward inner harmony begins with a simple but profound shift: instead of fighting against the parts of yourself you don’t like, what if you got curious about what they’re trying to tell you? What if the very aspects of yourself you’ve been trying to change hold keys to your healing and wholeness?

Every part of you—even the ones that seem problematic—developed to help you survive and navigate life’s challenges. They deserve your compassion, not your criticism. And when you learn to lead them with love, they become your greatest allies in creating the life you truly want.

You don’t have to carry the burden of internal conflict alone. Professional support through parts-based therapy can provide the safe, compassionate space you need to heal old wounds, integrate all aspects of yourself, and step into the wholeness that is your birthright.

Your parts have been waiting for someone to listen to them with kindness and understanding. That someone is you—the wise, compassionate Self that has always been there, ready to lead with love.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness, St. George, Utah – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

If you’re interested in exploring parts work therapy, look for licensed mental health professionals trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), inner child work, or trauma-informed parts-based approaches. The journey toward inner harmony is one of the most valuable investments you can make in yourself and your relationships.

References

Hodgdon, H. B., Anderson, F., Southwell, E., Hrubec, W., Schwartz, R., & Tompkins, M. A. (2022). Internal Family Systems therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder among female survivors of childhood sexual abuse: A pilot effectiveness study. Journal of Evidence-Based Social Work, 19(2), 108-125.

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model. Sounds True.

Shadick, N. A., Sowell, N. F., Frits, M. L., Hoffman, S. M., Hartz, S. A., Booth, F. D., Sweezy, M., Rogers, M. P., Duhamel, J. P., & Weinblatt, M. E. (2013). A randomized controlled trial of an Internal Family Systems-based psychotherapeutic intervention on outcomes in rheumatoid arthritis: A proof-of-concept study. Journal of Rheumatology, 40(11), 1831-1841.

Van der Hart, O., Nijenhuis, E. R. S., & Steele, K. (2006). The haunted self: Structural dissociation and the treatment of chronic traumatization. W. W. Norton & Company.

June 27, 2025

Finding Your Anchor

Finding Your Anchor: Reclaiming Power in the Storm of Hyperarousal

When trauma has hijacked your nervous system and hope feels like a foreign concept, how do you find solid ground? This is for anyone whose trauma history has left them feeling powerless in their own body, searching for tools to navigate hyperarousal and rediscover their inherent strength.

When Your Body Betrays Your Spirit

If you’re reading this while your heart races, your thoughts spiral, or your body feels like it’s vibrating with an energy you can’t control, you’re not broken. You’re experiencing hyperarousal—your nervous system’s attempt to protect you that has become stuck in overdrive. When trauma lives in our bodies, it can feel like we’re passengers in a runaway vehicle, watching our lives unfold without any sense of agency or hope.

But here’s what trauma wants you to forget: even in the most activated state, you still have choices. Micro-choices. Moment-by-moment decisions that can slowly shift the trajectory of your experience.

The Space Between Stimulus and Response

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and founder of logotherapy, discovered something profound in the concentration camps that speaks directly to this experience: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

When you’re hyperaroused, that space feels impossibly small—maybe just a microsecond. But it exists. Your trauma history may have taught your nervous system to react with lightning speed, but it cannot eliminate that fundamental human capacity for choice.

Right now, as you read this, you’re already exercising that choice. You chose to seek resources. You chose to keep looking for answers despite feeling hopeless. This is your first act of reclaiming power.

Grounding in the Present: DBT Skills for Hyperarousal

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers concrete tools specifically designed for moments when your emotional intensity feels unbearable. When hyperarousal hits, try these TIPP skills:

Temperature

Splash cold water on your face or hold ice cubes. This activates your dive response, literally slowing your heart rate within 15-30 seconds. Your nervous system cannot maintain hyperarousal when this physiological brake is applied.

Intense Exercise

Do jumping jacks, run in place, or do push-ups for 10 minutes. Match your body’s energy rather than fighting it. Sometimes we need to move through activation, not around it.

Paced Breathing

Exhale longer than you inhale. Try breathing in for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6. This stimulates your vagus nerve and signals safety to your nervous system.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Tense and release muscle groups systematically. When trauma makes us feel powerless, this reminds us we can still control something—our own muscle tension.

The Acceptance Paradox: ACT Principles

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us something counterintuitive: the struggle against our experience often amplifies our suffering. When you’re hyperaroused and fighting against it, you’re essentially having two problems—the activation itself, and the exhausting battle against it.

The Quicksand Metaphor

Imagine hyperarousal as quicksand. The more frantically you struggle, the deeper you sink. But if you can stop fighting and slowly, deliberately work with the medium you’re in, you can find your way to solid ground.

This doesn’t mean giving up or being passive. It means recognizing that your power lies not in controlling your nervous system’s responses, but in choosing how you relate to them.

Values as Your North Star

When everything feels chaotic, your values become your compass. Ask yourself: What matters to me beyond this moment of suffering? Maybe it’s connection, creativity, justice, or growth. Even tiny actions aligned with your values—sending a text to a friend, creating something small, standing up for yourself in a minor way—can restore a sense of meaning and agency.

Cognitive Reframing: Rewriting the Story

Your traumatized nervous system tells a very specific story: “You’re in danger. You’re powerless. This will never end.”Cognitive reframing isn’t about positive thinking—it’s about examining the evidence and expanding your perspective.

The Temporary Nature Reframe

“This feeling is permanent” becomes “This is my nervous system doing what it learned to do to survive. Hyperarousal has a beginning, middle, and end. I’ve survived 100% of my worst days so far.”

The Capability Reframe

“I can’t handle this” becomes “I’m handling this right now. I may not be handling it gracefully or comfortably, but I’m here, I’m breathing, and I’m seeking resources. That’s evidence of my resilience.”

The Learning Reframe

“My trauma ruined me” becomes “My trauma taught my nervous system to be hypervigilant in a world that felt dangerous. Now I’m learning to teach it new responses for a life I’m creating.”

Pattern Interrupts: Breaking the Hyperarousal Loop

When your nervous system is stuck in a loop, pattern interrupts can create the neurological “reset” you need:

The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique

  • 5 things you can see
  • 4 things you can touch
  • 3 things you can hear
  • 2 things you can smell
  • 1 thing you can taste

This forces your activated nervous system to engage with present-moment sensory data rather than trauma memories or catastrophic projections.

The Opposite Action

If hyperarousal makes you want to isolate, reach out to one person. If it makes you want to run, sit down and breathe. If it makes you want to clench, stretch and open. This isn’t about forcing yourself into positivity—it’s about providing new neurological input.

The Curiosity Flip

Instead of “Why is this happening to me again?” try “I wonder what my nervous system is trying to protect me from right now. What would it need to feel safer?” Curiosity activates different neural pathways than fear or frustration.

Frankl’s Ultimate Teaching: Finding Meaning in Suffering

Frankl discovered that even in the most extreme circumstances, people could endure unimaginable suffering if they could find meaning in it. He wrote: “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how.'”

Your hyperarousal, your trauma history, your current struggle—none of it is meaningless suffering. Your nervous system’s responses developed for reasons. They served you once. And now, your journey toward healing—even this moment of seeking resources while activated—can serve something larger.

Perhaps your healing contributes to breaking generational patterns. Perhaps your resilience inspires others who feel hopeless. Perhaps your willingness to keep trying in the face of trauma teaches your nervous system that the world can be different than it once was.

Building Your Micro-Recovery Plan

When you’re overwhelmed, grandiose healing plans feel impossible. Instead, focus on micro-interventions:

Daily Non-Negotiables (Choose 1-2)

  • One minute of conscious breathing
  • One text to a supportive person
  • One tiny act of self-care
  • One moment of moving your body
  • One instance of challenging a negative thought

Weekly Anchor Points

  • One activity that connects you to your values
  • One practice that helps you feel grounded
  • One step toward longer-term healing (therapy, support group, etc.)

Emergency Toolkit

Keep a note on your phone with:

  • Three people you can contact
  • Two grounding techniques that work for you
  • One phrase that reminds you this is temporary
  • Your personal evidence that you’ve survived hard things before

The Neuroscience of Hope

Here’s something your hyperaroused nervous system doesn’t want you to know: neuroplasticity means your brain can change throughout your entire life. The neural pathways carved by trauma are real, but they’re not permanent. Every time you practice a new response, use a coping skill, or choose differently, you’re literally rewiring your brain.

Research shows that practices like mindfulness, cognitive reframing, and somatic interventions can actually change brain structure—strengthening areas associated with emotional regulation and weakening overactive fear centers (Davidson & Lutz, 2008; Hölzel et al., 2011).

Your hyperarousal is not evidence that you’re broken. It’s evidence that your nervous system is incredibly responsive—and that same responsiveness can work in your favor as you practice new patterns.

For the Moments When Hope Feels Impossible

If you’re reading this and thinking “This all sounds nice, but you don’t understand how bad it really is,” you’re right. I don’t understand your specific experience. But I understand this: you’re still here. You’re still seeking resources. You’re still trying.

In his darkest moments in the concentration camps, Frankl would visualize himself giving lectures about the psychological insights he was gaining from his suffering. He found meaning by imagining how his current pain might serve future healing—both his own and others’.

What if your current struggle is gathering data for your future self? What if your hyperarousal is teaching you something about resilience that you’ll later use to help others? What if this moment of feeling powerless is actually the beginning of you reclaiming your power?

The Practice of Radical Self-Compassion

One final tool: when hyperarousal hits, instead of judging yourself for being activated, try offering yourself the same compassion you’d give a frightened child or wounded animal. Your nervous system is not your enemy—it’s trying to protect you the only way it knows how.

“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of the human experience. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I find the strength to take one small step toward safety.”

Your Next Right Thing

You don’t need to heal completely right now. You don’t need to believe in your recovery. You don’t even need to feel hopeful. You just need to take your next right thing.

Maybe that’s trying one breathing technique. Maybe it’s reaching out to a therapist. Maybe it’s simply deciding to read this again tomorrow. Maybe it’s choosing to stay.

Your trauma history is part of your story, but it’s not the end of your story. Your hyperarousal is real, but it’s not permanent. Your sense of powerlessness is understandable, but it’s not accurate.

In this moment, you have the power to choose your next breath. That’s where freedom begins.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Frankl, V. E. (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press.

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. Guilford Press.

Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond. Guilford Press.

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Davidson, R. J., & Lutz, A. (2008). Buddha’s brain: Neuroplasticity and meditation. IEEE Signal Processing Magazine, 25(6), 176-188.

Hölzel, B. K., Carmody, J., Vangel, M., Congleton, C., Yerramsetti, S. M., Gard, T., & Lazar, S. W. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), 36-43.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.

If you’re in crisis, please reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) or your local emergency services. You don’t have to navigate this alone.

June 23, 2025

From Victim to Owner

From Victim to Owner: The Psychology of Personal Responsibility and Agency

How Our Cognitive Choices Shape Our Reality and Outcomes

Bottom Line Up Front

Every moment of our lives, we face a fundamental choice: to approach our circumstances as a victim of forces beyond our control, or to view them as an owner who takes responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This choice determines not only our immediate state of being but our long-term trajectory toward either empowerment or helplessness. While we cannot control everything that happens to us, we always retain the power to control our response, and this response shapes our reality more than we often realize.

Understanding the Victim vs. Owner Mindset

The distinction between victim and owner mindsets represents one of the most profound choices we make as human beings. Research in psychology demonstrates that victim mentality is “a psychological concept referring to a mindset in which a person, or group of people, tends to recognize or consider themselves a victim of the actions of others,” often involving “blaming one’s misfortunes on somebody else’s misdeeds” (Wikipedia, 2025). In contrast, an ownership mindset embraces personal agency—what researchers define as “a mindset plus a set of learnable actions that help us attain what we want in life” (Bateman, 2022).

This fundamental choice occurs through our cognitive processes: how we think, how we feel, and how we act. Each of these domains offers us the opportunity to move toward either victimhood or ownership, creating a cascading effect that shapes our entire experience of life.

The Cognitive Framework: Think, Feel, Act

THINK: The Power of Mental Ownership

Our cognitive patterns form the foundation of either a victim or an owner mentality. Cognitive behavioral therapy research demonstrates that “thoughts, feelings and behaviours combine to influence a person’s quality of life” and that “thinking negatively is a habit that, like any other habit, can be broken” (StatPearls, 2024).

Owner Thinking Patterns:

  • Hope and Trust: Believing in positive possibilities and the reliability of effort
  • Personal Meaning: Creating purpose from experiences, both positive and negative
  • Growth Mindset: Embracing the belief that abilities can be strengthened through learning (Bateman, 2022)
  • Present-Moment Awareness: Focusing on what can be controlled now

Victim Thinking Patterns:

  • Fear and Defensiveness: Expecting threats and preparing for failure
  • Blame and Denial: Attributing problems to external forces while denying personal contribution
  • Fixed Mindset: Believing that abilities and circumstances are unchangeable
  • Catastrophic Thinking: Making “bad events seem even worse and impossible to fix” (Psychologs, 2024)

FEEL: Emotional Agency vs. Emotional Reactivity

Our emotional responses reflect our chosen mindset and, in turn, reinforce it. The “sense of agency” refers to “the feeling of control over actions and their consequences” (Moore, 2016), which extends to our emotional experiences.

Owner Emotional Patterns:

  • Faith and Power: Confidence in one’s ability to influence outcomes
  • Virtue and Energy: Drawing strength from values and purpose
  • Emotional Regulation: Managing emotions as information rather than commands

Victim Emotional Patterns:

  • Apathy and Weakness: Feeling powerless to change circumstances
  • Depression and Despair: Experiencing “a pervasive sense of helplessness, passivity, loss of control, pessimism, negative thinking, strong feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame, and depression” (Wikipedia, 2025)
  • Emotional Reactivity: Being controlled by emotions rather than choosing responses

ACT: Behavior as the Expression of Choice

Our actions ultimately reveal whether we’re operating from victim or owner consciousness. Research on human agency shows that “people act as agents who intentionally regulate their behavior and life circumstances. They are self-organizing, proactive, self-regulating, and self-reflecting” (Pattison Professional Counseling, 2021).

Owner Action Patterns:

  • Charity and Peace: Acting from love and service to others
  • Proactive Behavior: Taking “deliberate and effective” action to “change events or their environment” (16Personalities, 2022)
  • Responsibility: Focusing on response-ability rather than blame

Victim Action Patterns:

  • Anger and Resentment: Reacting with hostility and bitterness
  • Self-Destructive Patterns: Engaging in behaviors that perpetuate problems
  • Reactive Behavior: Responding automatically to circumstances rather than choosing responses

The Science Behind the Choice

Psychological Foundations

Martin Seligman’s groundbreaking research on learned helplessness and learned optimism demonstrates that “people can learn to develop a more optimistic perspective” through “resilience training” (Simply Psychology, 2024; Positive Psychology, 2019). This research reveals that victimhood and ownership are not fixed personality traits but learned patterns that can be changed.

Learned optimism involves “consciously challenging any negative self-talk” and learning to respond to adversity by “thinking about their reactions to adversity in a new way” (Wikipedia, 2025). The process follows an ABCDE model:

  • Adversity: What happened?
  • Belief: How do I interpret it?
  • Consequence: What feelings and actions result?
  • Disputation: Can I challenge negative interpretations?
  • Energization: What positive outcomes can I create?

Sociological Perspectives

Sociologically, agency refers to “the capacity of individuals to act independently and make choices that shape their lives and the social structures around them,” emphasizing that “individuals are not merely passive recipients of societal influences… but are active participants who can exercise their will, make decisions, and initiate actions” (Encyclopedia MDPI, 2024).

This sociological understanding reveals that our choice between victim and owner mindsets affects not only our personal experience but also our contribution to the communities and systems around us.

Philosophical Foundations

Philosophically, human agency “entitles the observer to ask should this have occurred? in a way that would be nonsensical in circumstances lacking human decision-makers” (Wikipedia, 2025). This highlights the fundamental responsibility that comes with human consciousness—we are meaning-making beings who must choose how to interpret and respond to our experiences.

Moral responsibility involves “attributing certain powers and capacities to that person, and viewing their behavior as arising, in the right way, from the fact that the person has, and has exercised, these powers and capacities” (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, 2023).

The Path Forward: From Victim to Owner

Practical Strategies for Cognitive Ownership

  1. Awareness Practice: Begin noticing automatic thoughts and questioning their accuracy
  2. Reframing Exercises: Practice “finding ways to change negative emotions, thoughts, and habits” by shifting perspective and adopting “positive thought patterns and behaviors” (Cleveland Clinic, 2020)
  3. Values Clarification: Identify core values and align actions with these principles
  4. Growth Mindset Development: Embrace challenges as opportunities for learning and development

Building Emotional Agency

  1. Emotional Awareness: Recognize emotions as information rather than commands
  2. Response vs. Reaction: Create space between stimulus and response
  3. Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness while maintaining accountability
  4. Stress Management: Develop healthy coping mechanisms for challenging situations

Taking Ownership Through Action

  1. Personal Responsibility: Exercise the “four helpers” of agency: “Intentionality, Forethought, Self-reflection, and Self-regulation” (Pattison Professional Counseling, 2021)
  2. Goal Setting: Create clear, actionable objectives aligned with values
  3. Skill Development: Continuously expand capabilities and competencies
  4. Service Orientation: Focus on contributing to others’ well-being

The Transformational Impact

Individual Benefits

Research consistently shows that ownership mindsets lead to:

  • Better Mental Health: Reduced depression and anxiety through learned optimism practices (Simply Psychology, 2024)
  • Improved Performance: Enhanced “job performance, careers, and even efforts to adapt to and reduce the rate and magnitude of climate change” (Bateman, 2022)
  • Greater Resilience: Increased ability to bounce back from setbacks
  • Enhanced Relationships: More authentic and fulfilling connections with others

Societal Benefits

When individuals embrace ownership, the ripple effects benefit entire communities:

  • Collective Agency: Contributing to “situations in which individuals pool their knowledge, skills, and resources, and act in concert to shape their future” (Encyclopedia MDPI, 2024)
  • Social Responsibility: Creating positive change in communities and institutions
  • Cultural Transformation: Modeling empowerment for others to follow

Conclusion: The Daily Choice

Every day, in countless moments, we face the fundamental choice between victim and owner consciousness. This choice occurs in the realm of our thoughts, emotions, and actions. While we cannot control every circumstance we encounter, we always retain the power to control our response, and this response shapes our reality more profoundly than we often realize.

The journey from victim to owner is not about denying legitimate pain or trauma, nor is it about toxic positivity that ignores real challenges. Instead, it’s about recognizing our inherent power to choose our stance toward life’s circumstances. It’s about embracing what Viktor Frankl called our “last freedom”—the freedom to choose our attitude in any given circumstances.

As we cultivate this ownership mindset through our thoughts, feelings, and actions, we not only transform our own experience but also contribute to a more empowered and responsible world. The choice is always ours, and the choice is always now.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

A Graphic Representation of These Concepts

**Individual Responsibility and Empowerment**

References

Bateman, T. S. (2022, March 27). Agency is the highest level of personal competence. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/getting-proactive/202203/agency-is-the-highest-level-personal-competence

Cleveland Clinic. (2020, January 8). Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): What it is & techniques. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/21208-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-cbt

Encyclopedia MDPI. (2024, January 25). Agency (Sociology). https://encyclopedia.pub/entry/53651

Moore, J. (2016). What is the sense of agency and why does it matter? Frontiers in Psychology, 7, 1272. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00535/full

Pattison Professional Counseling and Mediation Center. (2021, March 16). Take control of your life: The concept of agency and its four helpers. https://www.ppccfl.com/blog/take-control-of-your-life-the-concept-of-agency-and-its-four-helpers/

Positive Psychology. (2019, December 30). Learned optimism: Is Martin Seligman’s glass half full? https://positivepsychology.com/learned-optimism/

Psychologs. (2024, May 30). Psychology behind victim mentality. https://www.psychologs.com/psychology-behind-victim-mentality/

Simply Psychology. (2024, May 2). Learned helplessness: Seligman’s theory of depression. https://www.simplypsychology.org/learned-helplessness.html

Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. (2023). Agency. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/agency/

Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. (2023). Moral responsibility. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/moral-responsibility/

StatPearls. (2024). Cognitive behavior therapy. NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK470241/

16Personalities. (2022, July 28). Personal agency: A foundation for every personality. https://www.16personalities.com/articles/personal-agency-a-foundation-for-every-personality

Wikipedia. (2025, May 22). Victim mentality. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_mentality

Wikipedia. (2025, May 23). Learned optimism. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism

Wikipedia. (2025). Agency (philosophy). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agency_(philosophy)

June 17, 2025

Beyond Self-Esteem

Why Self-Compassion is the Healthier Path to Self-Worth

The American Dream of Feeling Special Has Become a Nightmare of Comparison

We live in a culture obsessed with being exceptional. From the participation trophies of our youth to the carefully curated highlight reels of social media, Americans have been told for decades that feeling good about ourselves requires being better than others. This isn’t an accident—it’s the direct result of what researchers now call “the self-esteem movement,” a uniquely American construct that has fundamentally misunderstood what it means to have healthy self-regard.

As someone who has spent years studying human psychology and wellness, I’ve witnessed firsthand how this pursuit of high self-esteem has created more problems than it has solved. The good news? There’s a better way forward, one rooted in ancient wisdom but validated by modern science: self-compassion.

The Rise and Fall of the Self-Esteem Movement

To understand why self-esteem became so central to American psychology, we need to go back to its origins. The identification of self-esteem as a distinct psychological construct has its origins in the work of philosopher and psychologist William James, published in 1890 (Neff, 2011). However, it wasn’t until the late 20th century that self-esteem became a cultural obsession.

The pivotal event was California legislator John Vasconcellos (Democrat) steering a bill through the legislature and securing the Republican governor’s signature to establish a California Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility or the “Self-esteem Commission” in 1986 (Cuban, 2019). In his vision, self-esteem was the key to problems such as violence, crime, alcohol and drug abuse, welfare dependency, teenage pregnancy, academic failure, recidivism, and child and spousal abuse (Pacific Research Institute, 2022).

This well-intentioned movement promised that if we could just make people feel better about themselves, we could solve society’s problems. “Toward a State of Esteem” became the best-selling state document of all time, at 60,000 copies. More than 40 of California’s 58 counties formed self-esteem task forces (Pacific Research Institute, 2022).

But here’s what happened instead: we created a generation that confuses feeling special with being valuable, that mistakes external validation for internal worth, and that crumbles when reality doesn’t match their inflated self-image.

The Dark Side of the Self-Esteem Obsession

Research has revealed the troubling consequences of pursuing high self-esteem. Later research indicated that inflating students’ self-esteem has no positive effect on grades, and one study even showed that inflating self-esteem by itself can actually decrease grades (New World Encyclopedia, n.d.). Even more concerning, self-esteem (but not self-compassion) was positively associated with narcissism (Wikipedia, 2024).

The fundamental problem with self-esteem as typically pursued is that it requires us to feel special and above average. This creates what psychologists call “contingent self-worth”—our value depends on our performance, appearance, or social approval. We feel good about ourselves when we succeed, we feel bad about ourselves when we fail… So you might say self-esteem is a fair-weather friend (Mount Sinai, n.d.).

This contingent nature of self-esteem drives several destructive behaviors:

Social Comparison: To maintain high self-esteem, we must constantly measure ourselves against others, creating jealousy, competition, and disconnection.

Defensive Aggression: When our inflated self-image is threatened, we often lash out rather than reflect.

Avoidance of Challenge: To protect our self-esteem, we may avoid situations where we might fail or look bad.

External Validation Addiction: We become dependent on others’ approval to feel okay about ourselves.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff observes, the biggest problem with self-esteem is that it tends to be contingent. In other words, we only feel good about ourselves when we succeed or when we look the way we want to look or when people like us, but you know, what happens when things don’t go our way? (No Small Endeavor, n.d.).

Self-Compassion: The Unconditional Alternative

Self-compassion offers a radically different approach to self-regard—one that doesn’t require us to be perfect, special, or better than others. Self-compassion entails three main components: (a) self-kindness—being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical, (b) common humanity—perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as separating and isolating, and (c) mindfulness—holding painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them (Neff, 2003).

Self-Kindness: Treating Yourself as You Would a Friend

The first component involves extending the same warmth and understanding to ourselves that we would naturally offer a good friend facing difficulties. In short, showing self-kindness means treating our worth as unconditional even when we fall short of our own expectations (Positive Psychology, 2019).

Most of us have a harsh inner critic that says things we would never say to someone we care about. Self-kindness means speaking to ourselves with the same gentleness we would use with a child who has made a mistake.

Common Humanity: You’re Not Alone in This

Perhaps the most revolutionary aspect of self-compassion is its recognition that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of the shared human experience. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone (UNC, n.d.).

This stands in stark contrast to the self-esteem movement’s emphasis on being special or above average. Self-compassion says: “You don’t need to be perfect or extraordinary to be worthy of love and respect. You’re valuable simply because you’re human.”

Mindfulness: Seeing Clearly Without Judgment

The third component involves observing our thoughts and emotions with balanced awareness—neither suppressing them nor being overwhelmed by them. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them (UNC, n.d.).

This mindful awareness allows us to acknowledge our pain without being consumed by it, creating space for healing and growth.

The Science of Self-Compassion

The research on self-compassion is compelling. Self-compassion offers the benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls. So it’s associated with strong mental health but it’s not associated with narcissism or constant social comparison or ego defensive aggression (Singjupost, 2023).

Studies have consistently shown that self-compassion provides:

  • Greater emotional resilience and stability than self-esteem
  • Less narcissism and ego-defensiveness
  • More stable feelings of self-worth that don’t fluctuate based on external circumstances
  • Stronger motivation for personal growth and learning
  • Better relationships and social connectedness

In general, the research suggests that self-compassion offers most of the benefits of high self-esteem, with fewer downsides (PMC, n.d.). Research is presented which shows that self-compassion provides greater emotional resilience and stability than self-esteem, but involves less self-evaluation, ego-defensiveness, and self-enhancement than self-esteem (ResearchGate, 2011).

Worth as Inherent, Not Earned

One of the most liberating aspects of self-compassion is its recognition that human worth is inherent, not earned. Self-worth refers to the inherent value and dignity one holds for themselves, independent of external achievements or validation. It involves recognizing one’s worthiness of love, respect, and happiness, regardless of circumstances or opinions from others (Positive Psychology, 2018).

This understanding stands in direct opposition to the American cultural narrative that says we must achieve, accumulate, or accomplish something to be valuable. Self-compassion recognizes that our worth comes from our shared humanity, not our performance.

With self-compassion we don’t need to be perfect or better than anyone else to feel good about ourselves, we just need to be a flawed human being like everyone else (self-compassion.org, 2011). This recognition frees us from the exhausting treadmill of trying to maintain an image of specialness and allows us to focus on growth, connection, and contribution.

The Path Forward: Acceptance, Understanding, and Self-Love

Moving from a self-esteem mindset to a self-compassion approach requires three fundamental shifts:

1. From Judgment to Acceptance

Instead of constantly evaluating ourselves as good or bad, successful or unsuccessful, we learn to accept ourselves as works in progress. This doesn’t mean becoming complacent; it means creating a foundation of unconditional worth from which we can grow.

2. From Isolation to Understanding

Rather than seeing our struggles as evidence that something is wrong with us, we recognize them as part of the human experience. This shift from “Why me?” to “This is part of life” transforms our relationship with difficulty.

3. From Criticism to Love

We replace the harsh inner critic with a kind inner friend—someone who supports us through challenges and celebrates our efforts, not just our outcomes.

The Ripple Effects of Self-Compassion

When we cultivate self-compassion, the benefits extend far beyond our own well-being:

Better Relationships: Research shows that self-compassionate people are more giving and supportive to others in relationships (self-compassion.org, 2011). When we’re not constantly defending our ego or seeking validation, we can show up more fully for others.

Enhanced Growth: Self-compassionate individuals do not berate themselves when they fail, they are more able to admit mistakes, modify unproductive behaviors and take on new challenges (PMC, n.d.). This creates a mindset of continuous learning rather than self-protection.

Greater Purpose and Meaning: When our worth isn’t contingent on external achievements, we’re free to pursue what truly matters to us rather than what we think will make us look good.

Improved Resilience: Self-compassion provides a much more stable sense of self-worth than self-esteem does, because it’s there for you precisely when you fail (Singjupost, 2023).

Conclusion: A New American Dream

It’s time to let go of the American obsession with being special and embrace something far more powerful: being human. The self-esteem movement promised that feeling good about ourselves would solve our problems, but it actually created new ones by tying our worth to external validation and comparative superiority.

Self-compassion offers a different path—one that recognizes our inherent worth as human beings while providing the emotional stability and motivation we need to grow, contribute, and thrive. It doesn’t promise that we’ll never fail or feel pain, but it guarantees that we’ll never face these challenges alone.

The journey from self-esteem to self-compassion isn’t just a personal transformation; it’s a cultural shift toward a more connected, resilient, and genuinely fulfilling way of being human. In a world that constantly tells us we’re not enough, self-compassion whispers the truth: you already are.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Cuban, L. (2019, April 19). Whatever happened to the self-esteem movement? Larry Cuban on School Reform and Classroom Practice. https://larrycuban.wordpress.com/2019/04/19/whatever-happened-to-the-self-esteem-movement/

Mount Sinai. (n.d.). The fierce side of self-compassion – Dr. Kristin Neff. Mount Sinai Health System. https://www.mountsinai.org/about/newsroom/podcasts/road-resilience/archive/self-compassion

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x

New World Encyclopedia. (n.d.). Self-esteem. https://www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Self-esteem

No Small Endeavor. (n.d.). Self-compassion: Kristin Neff. https://www.nosmallendeavor.com/self-compassion-kristin-neff

Pacific Research Institute. (2022, July 7). 20 years later: Self esteem movement was utopian hucksterism. https://www.pacificresearch.org/20-years-later-self-esteem-movement-was-utopian-hucksterism/

PMC. (n.d.). The role of self-compassion in development: A healthier way to relate to oneself. PubMed Central. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2790748/

Positive Psychology. (2018, November 6). What is self-worth & how do we build it? https://positivepsychology.com/self-worth/

Positive Psychology. (2019, June 2). How to practice self-compassion: 8 techniques and tips. https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-practice-self-compassion/

ResearchGate. (2011, January 4). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/227528671_Self-Compassion_Self-Esteem_and_Well-Being

self-compassion.org. (2011, March 22). What is self-compassion? https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/

Singjupost. (2023, September 20). Kristin Neff: The space between self-esteem and self compassion at TEDxCentennialParkWomen. https://singjupost.com/kristin-neff-the-space-between-self-esteem-and-self-compassion-at-tedxcentennialparkwomen-transcript/

UNC. (n.d.). The three components of self-compassion. Program on Mindfulness & Self-Compassion for Families. https://selfcompassion.web.unc.edu/what-is-self-compassion/the-three-components-of-self-compassion/

Wikipedia. (2024). Self-esteem. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem

May 19, 2025

A Path to Peace

Love Is Letting Go of Fear: A Path to Peace and Emotional Resilience

In a world often characterized by stress, anxiety, and conflict, the timeless wisdom found in Gerald Jampolsky’s “Love Is Letting Go of Fear” offers a refreshing perspective on creating inner peace. This seminal work, first published in 1979, resonates with readers seeking emotional freedom and authentic connection. Let’s explore how Jampolsky’s principles align with other philosophical traditions and contemporary psychological approaches to cultivate peace and nurture life-affirming emotional states.

The Core Message: Choosing Love Over Fear

At its heart, Jampolsky’s work presents a simple yet profound premise: We operate from one of two emotional states—love or fear. These states are mutually exclusive; when we choose love, fear dissipates. Jampolsky, influenced by A Course in Miracles, suggests that fear-based thinking manifests as judgment, attack, and self-protection, while love-based consciousness expresses forgiveness, compassion, and peace (Jampolsky, 1979).

This binary framework echoes ancient wisdom traditions. In Buddhist philosophy, suffering (dukkha) arises from attachment and aversion – essentially fear-based responses to life’s impermanence. The antidote is loving-kindness (metta) and compassion (karuna), which dissolve the boundaries between self and other (Nhat Hanh, 2015).

Forgiveness as a Path to Freedom

Jampolsky emphasizes forgiveness as essential for releasing fear and embracing love. He defines forgiveness not as pardoning wrongdoing, but as relinquishing our investment in grievances. When we hold onto perceived injustices, we remain prisoners of the past, unable to experience the present fully.

This perspective parallels the work of Fred Luskin, whose Stanford Forgiveness Project demonstrates that forgiveness training significantly reduces stress, anger, and physical symptoms of anxiety while increasing optimism and emotional well-being (Luskin, 2003). Luskin describes forgiveness as “the feeling of peace that emerges as you take your hurt less personally, take responsibility for how you feel, and become a hero instead of a victim in the story you tell.”

The Mind-Body Connection

The physiological impact of choosing love over fear is well-documented. When we operate from fear, our sympathetic nervous system activates, triggering the stress response and releasing cortisol and adrenaline. Prolonged states of fear compromise immune function and contribute to numerous health problems (Sapolsky, 2004).

Conversely, love-based emotions activate the parasympathetic nervous system, releasing oxytocin and promoting relaxation, healing, and connection. Barbara Fredrickson’s research supports this through her “broaden-and-build” theory of positive emotions, demonstrating that positive emotional states expand our awareness and build enduring personal resources (Fredrickson, 2013).

Integration with Contemporary Approaches

Several modern therapeutic modalities align with Jampolsky’s philosophy:

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

ACT, developed by Steven Hayes, emphasizes psychological flexibility and accepting complex thoughts and feelings rather than fighting them. This acceptance creates space for values-driven action and authentic connection, moving from fear-based resistance to love-based engagement (Hayes et al., 2006).

Internal Family Systems

Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems model conceptualizes the mind as containing multiple sub-personalities or “parts,” often formed in response to painful experiences. The model focuses on accessing the “Self” – a compassionate, curious core presence reminiscent of Jampolsky’s love-based consciousness – to heal wounded parts (Schwartz, 2001).

Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion provides practical applications of extending love toward oneself. She identifies three components of self-compassion: self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification with painful thoughts and feelings (Neff, 2011). These components mirror Jampolsky’s practices for releasing self-criticism and recognizing our fundamental connectedness.

Practical Applications for Cultivating Peace

Drawing from Jampolsky and complementary approaches, these practices can foster peace and emotional resilience:

Present-Moment Awareness

Fear often concerns the future or past, while love exists in the present. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) offers structured practices for returning to the present moment, where peace naturally arises (Kabat-Zinn, 2013).

Gratitude Practice

Robert Emmons’ research demonstrates that gratitude interventions significantly increase well-being and positive emotions while reducing negative states like envy and resentment (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). Gratitude shifts attention from what we fear losing to what we love having.

Service to Others

Jampolsky’s Center for Attitudinal Healing was founded on the principle that helping others accelerates our own healing. This aligns with findings that altruistic behaviors activate reward centers in the brain and decrease focus on personal distress (Post, 2005).

Question Fear-Based Thoughts

Byron Katie’s “The Work” offers a direct method for identifying and questioning stressful thoughts. By asking four questions about our fear-based beliefs, we can experience the freedom from seeing beyond our limiting stories (Katie, 2002).

Building Resilient Communities Through Love-Based Principles

The implications of Jampolsky’s philosophy extend beyond individual well-being to community and societal transformation. When individuals practice shifting from fear to love, the collective impact can be profound.

Restorative justice movements exemplify this approach, focusing on healing harm rather than punishment. By bringing together those who have caused harm with those affected by it in facilitated dialogue centered on accountability, repair, and reintegration, these practices embody the principles of forgiveness and connection essential to love-based consciousness (Zehr, 2015).

Similarly, nonviolent communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a framework for expressing ourselves honestly while receiving others empathically, transforming potential conflict into connection (Rosenberg, 2015). This approach dissolves the fear-based need to defend, attack, or withdraw, creating space for authentic relationships.

Conclusion: The Ongoing Journey

The journey from fear to love is not a one-time transformation but a continuous practice. As Jampolsky reminds us, each moment presents a new opportunity to choose peace over conflict, connection over separation, and love over fear. By integrating these principles with complementary wisdom from psychology, neuroscience, and contemplative traditions, we develop greater capacity for emotional resilience and authentic presence.

The message remains clear in a world that often seems defined by division and uncertainty: when we release fear, love emerges naturally as our default state. In that state, we discover not only personal peace but also the potential for healing our collective wounds and creating more compassionate communities.

Kevin Brough / Ascend Counseling and Wellness / http://www.ascendcw.com / 435.688.1111

References

Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389.

Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). Positive emotions broaden and build. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 47, 1-53.

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1-25.

Jampolsky, G. G. (1979). Love is letting go of fear. Celestial Arts.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2013). Full catastrophe living: Using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness. Bantam Books.

Katie, B. (2002). Loving what is: Four questions that can change your life. Harmony Books.

Luskin, F. (2003). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. HarperOne.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.

Nhat Hanh, T. (2015). The heart of the Buddha’s teaching: Transforming suffering into peace, joy, and liberation. Harmony Books.

Post, S. G. (2005). Altruism, happiness, and health: It’s good to be good. International Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 12(2), 66-77.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. PuddleDancer Press.

Sapolsky, R. M. (2004). Why zebras don’t get ulcers: The acclaimed guide to stress, stress-related diseases, and coping. Holt Paperbacks.

Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Introduction to the internal family systems model. Trailheads Publications.

Zehr, H. (2015). The little book of restorative justice. Good Books.