Finding Your Inner Harmony: How Parts Work Can Heal Trauma and Transform Your Life
Discovering the power of working with—rather than against—all aspects of yourself
Have you ever noticed that sometimes you feel like you’re at war with yourself? Maybe part of you desperately wants to pursue a dream, while another part holds you back with fear and doubt. Or perhaps you find yourself being incredibly loving and patient with others, yet harshly critical of yourself. You might even catch yourself saying things like “Part of me wants to…” or “I’m torn between…” without realizing you’re actually describing something profound about how your mind naturally works.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. What you’re experiencing is the natural multiplicity of the human psyche, and understanding this can be the key to profound healing and personal transformation.
The Revolutionary Understanding: You Are Not One, But Many
For decades, psychology has been moving away from the idea that we each have one fixed personality toward recognizing that we all naturally contain multiple aspects or “parts” within ourselves (Schwartz, 2021). This isn’t a sign of mental illness—it’s how healthy minds naturally organize themselves to navigate the complexity of human life.
Think about it: You probably show up differently when you’re at work versus when you’re playing with children. You have a part that’s responsible and organized, another that’s playful and spontaneous, perhaps one that’s cautious and another that’s adventurous. These aren’t different personalities—they’re different facets of your complete self, each with its own wisdom and gifts.
“The goal isn’t to eliminate parts of ourselves, but to create internal harmony where all parts can coexist and contribute their unique strengths.” — Richard Schwartz, creator of Internal Family Systems
When Parts Work Against Each Other: The Roots of Inner Conflict
Problems arise when our parts become polarized against each other or when some parts take over to protect us from old wounds. This often happens as a result of trauma, difficult life experiences, or simply growing up in a world that taught us certain parts of ourselves were “unacceptable.”
For example, if you were hurt or rejected in childhood, you might have developed:
A protective part that keeps you isolated to avoid future rejection
A critical part that constantly points out your flaws to prevent mistakes
A people-pleasing part that sacrifices your needs to maintain a connection
A wounded part that still carries the original pain and fear
When these parts operate independently without communication, you end up feeling fragmented, conflicted, and exhausted from the internal battle (Van der Hart et al., 2006).
The Promise of Parts Work: Integration, Not Elimination
Here’s the revolutionary insight that forms the foundation of all parts-based healing approaches: Every part of you developed for good reasons, and every part has gifts to offer. The goal isn’t to eliminate “difficult” parts, but to understand what they’re trying to protect and help them find healthier ways to contribute.
Parts work—whether through Internal Family Systems (IFS), inner child healing, or other related approaches—offers a compassionate pathway to:
Understand rather than judge your internal conflicts
Heal old wounds that keep parts stuck in protective patterns
Integrate all aspects of yourself into a harmonious whole
Access your wise, centered Self that can lead with compassion
Your Wise, Unbroken Self: The Leader Within
One of the most hopeful discoveries of parts work is that beneath all the protective patterns and wounded parts lies what IFS calls your “Self”—your essential, wise, and compassionate core, which was never damaged by trauma or difficult experiences (Schwartz, 2021). This Self has the capacity to:
Hold space for all your parts with curiosity and compassion
Make decisions from wisdom rather than fear
Heal the wounds that keep parts stuck in old patterns
Lead your internal system with kindness and clarity
When you learn to access and strengthen this Self-leadership, everything changes. Instead of being caught in internal battles, you become the calm, loving presence that can help all your parts feel heard, valued, and safe.
What Parts Work Looks Like: A Journey of Self-Compassion
Parts work isn’t about analyzing yourself into pieces—it’s about developing a loving relationship with every aspect of who you are. In therapy, this might involve:
Getting to Know Your Parts
Identifying the different aspects of yourself and the roles they play
Understanding what each part is trying to protect or achieve
Recognizing when parts are activated by current situations
Healing Old Wounds
Helping wounded parts share their stories and pain
Providing the care and understanding they needed but didn’t receive
Releasing the burdens of shame, fear, and trauma they’ve been carrying
Negotiating New Relationships
Helping protective parts trust your Self to handle challenges
Finding healthy ways for all parts to express their gifts
Creating internal collaboration instead of conflict
Living from Self-Leadership
Making decisions from your wise, centered Self
Responding to life’s challenges with all your parts’ resources
Maintaining internal harmony even during stress
The Profound Healing Possible
When people engage in parts work, they often experience transformations that feel almost miraculous:
Inner peace replaces constant self-criticism and conflict
Authentic relationships become possible when you’re not hiding parts of yourself
Creative expression flows when previously suppressed parts are welcomed
Emotional resilience develops as you learn to care for yourself with compassion
Life purpose becomes clearer when all your parts can contribute their wisdom
Research has shown that parts-based approaches like IFS are effective for treating trauma, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and relationship difficulties (Hodgdon et al., 2022; Shadick et al., 2013). But beyond symptom relief, people report feeling more whole, authentic, and alive than ever before.
Signs That Parts Work Might Be Right for You
Consider parts work if you:
Feel like you’re “at war with yourself” or constantly conflicted
Notice harsh self-criticism or perfectionism
Experience anxiety, depression, or trauma symptoms
Feel disconnected from your authentic self
Have relationship patterns you want to change
Want to heal from childhood wounds or difficult experiences
Feel like some parts of your personality are “stuck” or immature
Long to feel more integrated and whole
Beginning Your Journey: First Steps Toward Inner Harmony
If parts work resonates with you, here are some ways to begin:
Start with Self-Compassion
Notice when you’re being self-critical and try speaking to yourself with kindness
Practice asking, “What is this part of me trying to protect or achieve?”
Treat your internal conflicts with curiosity rather than judgment
Pay Attention to Your Inner Voices
Notice the different “voices” or perspectives inside you
Instead of fighting difficult emotions, try asking what they need
Practice thanking your parts for trying to help, even when their methods are outdated
Seek Professional Support
Look for therapists trained in parts-based approaches like IFS, inner child work, or other trauma-informed therapy
Consider that healing happens in a collaborative relationship—having a compassionate witness can accelerate your journey
Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness
A New Way of Being Human
Parts work offers something our culture desperately needs: a way of being human that honors complexity, embraces all emotions, and treats every aspect of ourselves with dignity and respect. Instead of trying to be “perfect” or eliminating parts of yourself you don’t like, you can learn to be a loving leader of your own internal community.
Imagine what it would feel like to:
Wake up without that critical voice immediately pointing out everything wrong
Make decisions from wisdom and self-love rather than fear
Feel confident in who you are, knowing all your parts are valued
Approach challenges with the full resources of your integrated self
Live authentically without hiding or rejecting parts of yourself
This isn’t fantasy—it’s the natural state of a healthy, integrated human being. And it’s available to you.
Your Invitation to Wholeness
Your journey toward inner harmony begins with a simple but profound shift: instead of fighting against the parts of yourself you don’t like, what if you got curious about what they’re trying to tell you? What if the very aspects of yourself you’ve been trying to change hold keys to your healing and wholeness?
Every part of you—even the ones that seem problematic—developed to help you survive and navigate life’s challenges. They deserve your compassion, not your criticism. And when you learn to lead them with love, they become your greatest allies in creating the life you truly want.
You don’t have to carry the burden of internal conflict alone. Professional support through parts-based therapy can provide the safe, compassionate space you need to heal old wounds, integrate all aspects of yourself, and step into the wholeness that is your birthright.
Your parts have been waiting for someone to listen to them with kindness and understanding. That someone is you—the wise, compassionate Self that has always been there, ready to lead with love.
Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness, St. George, Utah – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com
If you’re interested in exploring parts work therapy, look for licensed mental health professionals trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), inner child work, or trauma-informed parts-based approaches. The journey toward inner harmony is one of the most valuable investments you can make in yourself and your relationships.
References
Hodgdon, H. B., Anderson, F., Southwell, E., Hrubec, W., Schwartz, R., & Tompkins, M. A. (2022). Internal Family Systems therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder among female survivors of childhood sexual abuse: A pilot effectiveness study. Journal of Evidence-Based Social Work, 19(2), 108-125.
Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model. Sounds True.
Shadick, N. A., Sowell, N. F., Frits, M. L., Hoffman, S. M., Hartz, S. A., Booth, F. D., Sweezy, M., Rogers, M. P., Duhamel, J. P., & Weinblatt, M. E. (2013). A randomized controlled trial of an Internal Family Systems-based psychotherapeutic intervention on outcomes in rheumatoid arthritis: A proof-of-concept study. Journal of Rheumatology, 40(11), 1831-1841.
Van der Hart, O., Nijenhuis, E. R. S., & Steele, K. (2006). The haunted self: Structural dissociation and the treatment of chronic traumatization. W. W. Norton & Company.
Navigating Grief: Finding Hope in Our Darkest Hours
When Life Becomes Unbearable: Understanding Loss, Addiction, and Mental Health
Grief is perhaps the most universal human experience, yet it remains one of the most isolating. When we lose someone to addiction, mental illness, or suicide, the pain carries additional layers of complexity—questions that seem to have no answers, guilt that feels unbearable, and a profound sense of helplessness that can shake our faith in everything we once believed.
The truth is that bad things do happen to good people. As Hyrum Smith powerfully stated in his funeral address, “Pain is inevitable. Misery is an option.” This distinction becomes crucial when we find ourselves confronting losses that challenge our understanding of justice, mercy, and the very nature of existence itself.
The Landscape of Grief: Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and the Stages of Loss
Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross revolutionized our understanding of grief through her identification of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, when dealing with addiction and mental health-related deaths, these stages often become more complex and cyclical.
Denial in these circumstances might involve refusing to acknowledge the severity of a loved one’s struggles, or later, an inability to accept that they’re truly gone. We might find ourselves saying, “If only I had seen the signs,” or “This can’t be real.”
Anger can be particularly intense and multifaceted. We might feel angry at our loved one for their choices, at ourselves for not doing more, at God for allowing suffering, or at a medical system that seemed inadequate. This anger is natural and necessary—it’s part of the process of trying to make sense of the incomprehensible.
Bargaining often involves endless “what if” scenarios. What if we had intervened sooner? What if treatment had been different? What if we had said something else in that last conversation? These thoughts can become consuming, but they’re part of our mind’s attempt to regain control over an uncontrollable situation.
Depression in these losses often carries additional weight. Beyond missing our loved one, we might grapple with feelings of failure, stigma from society, and questions about whether we could have prevented their death. The depression stage might involve confronting our own mortality and the fragility of mental health.
Acceptance doesn’t mean we’re “okay” with what happened. Instead, it means we’ve found a way to carry the loss while still engaging with life. For those who’ve lost someone to addiction or suicide, acceptance often includes coming to terms with the reality that some battles are beyond our control.
The Question That Haunts: Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
Rabbi Harold Kushner, in his profound work “When Bad Things Happen to Good People,” challenges the traditional notion that suffering is always deserved or meaningful. Sometimes, Kushner argues, bad things happen simply because we live in a world where randomness and human freedom exist alongside divine love.
C.S. Lewis, writing from his own profound grief in “A Grief Observed,” noted that “The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.” Lewis understood that love inherently carries the risk of loss, and that our capacity for joy is inseparable from our vulnerability to sorrow.
Truman G. Madsen, in “Eternal Man,” explores the concept that suffering serves multiple purposes in human development. Some suffering, he suggests, is redemptive—it teaches us empathy, deepens our capacity for love, and connects us more fully to the human experience. However, not all suffering falls into this category. Some pain exists simply because we live in a world where mental illness, addiction, and human frailty are real.
The Particular Pain of Addiction and Mental Health Losses
When we lose someone to addiction or mental health struggles, we’re often confronting what Hyrum Smith (Franklin Covey) called “a mistake”—but a mistake made by someone whose capacity for clear thinking had been compromised by illness. This understanding can be both comforting and complicated.
Mental illness and addiction are diseases that affect the brain’s ability to process reality, make decisions, and hope for the future. The person we loved was fighting a battle against their own neurochemistry, often while society stigmatized their struggle. Understanding this doesn’t eliminate our pain, but it can help us separate the illness from the person we loved.
Dr. Michael Hentrich’s work in psychiatry emphasizes that mental health conditions are medical conditions, not moral failings. When someone dies from diabetes complications, we don’t question their character or their eternal destiny. The same compassionate understanding should apply to those who die from mental health conditions, including addiction.
The Mercy Perspective: Insights from Hyrum Smith
Hyrum Smith’s courageous address at his friend Lowell’s funeral challenges many traditional assumptions about suicide and divine judgment. Speaking from his own experience with serious mistakes and the process of repentance, Smith offered several profound insights:
He posed five crucial questions, three of which he felt qualified to answer. When asking “What is Lowell thinking now?” Smith suggested that, based on his own experience with serious error, his friend was likely experiencing regret, pain, and anguish. But this led to his more critical questions:
“Will the Lord allow Lowell to repent?” Smith’s answer was an emphatic yes, calling the belief that suicide is an unpardonable sin “just flat not true.”
“Will the Lord forgive him?” Again, yes. Smith testified that Lowell would receive all the blessings he rightfully deserved from his remarkable life.
The final question—”Will you?”—places the responsibility for mercy and healing squarely on those left behind.
The Stockdale Paradox: Facing Brutal Facts with Faith
Smith shared the powerful story of Admiral Stockdale and his discovery of three types of people in crisis: pessimists, optimists, and realists. The pessimists saw only the brutal facts and gave up. The optimists ignored the brutal facts and lived in denial. Only the realists—who saw the brutal facts but maintained faith that they could be dealt with—survived.
This framework provides a powerful model for grief. The brutal facts of our loss are real and must be acknowledged. We lost someone precious. They suffered. We couldn’t save them. However, the realist also maintains faith that these brutal facts can be endured, processed, and eventually integrated into a life that still holds meaning and purpose.
The Gift of Forgiveness
One of Smith’s most profound insights concerned the nature of forgiveness. Through spiritual revelation, he learned that “forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. Forgiveness means remembering—but it doesn’t matter anymore.”
This distinction is crucial for those grieving addiction and mental health losses. We may never forget the circumstances of our loved one’s death, the struggle that preceded it, or our own feelings of helplessness. But we can reach a point where remembering doesn’t carry the same crushing weight—where we can hold the memory without being destroyed by it.
Forgiving our loved one doesn’t mean condoning their final choice. It means releasing them from our anger and ourselves from the burden of perpetual judgment. As Smith noted, quoting scripture, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I choose to forgive, but of you, you’re required to forgive all men.”
C.S. Lewis and the Reality of Love and Loss
C.S. Lewis, writing through his own devastating grief after losing his wife Joy, offers perhaps the most honest exploration of grief in Christian literature. In “A Grief Observed,” Lewis wrote, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” He described the physical and emotional reality of loss with unflinching honesty.
Lewis challenged the notion that faith should make grief easier or shorter. Instead, he argued that love necessarily includes the risk of devastating loss. “The pain now is part of the happiness then,” he wrote. The depth of our grief often reflects the depth of our love.
Most importantly, Lewis demonstrated that faith and doubt can coexist in grief. His questions about God’s goodness and presence weren’t signs of weak faith—they were signs of a faith mature enough to wrestle with mystery and contradiction.
Moving Forward: The Wagons Are Ready
Smith concluded his funeral address with a powerful metaphor from pioneer history. When pioneers died on the trail, families would stop to bury their dead and grieve. But eventually, the wagons would be ready to move on because staying meant death for everyone.
This metaphor speaks to the necessity of continuing to live while carrying our grief. The wagons represent life itself—responsibilities, relationships, opportunities for service and joy. They’re waiting for us to finish our necessary work of grieving so we can rejoin the journey.
This doesn’t mean rushing through grief or pretending to be “over it.” It means finding ways to carry our love and loss with us as we continue living. It means believing that our loved one would want us to experience joy again, form new relationships, and find meaning in our continued existence.
Practical Steps for the Journey
Acknowledge the complexity: Grief from addiction and mental health losses often involves guilt, anger, relief, and confusion alongside sadness. All of these feelings are valid and normal.
Seek professional support: Therapists who specialize in grief, particularly complicated grief, can provide tools and perspectives that friends and family may not be able to offer.
Connect with others who understand: Support groups for survivors of suicide or families affected by addiction can provide the understanding that comes only from shared experience.
Practice self-compassion: You didn’t cause your loved one’s illness or death. You couldn’t cure it or prevent it. You are not responsible for their final choices.
Honor their memory fully: Remember the whole person, not just their struggle or their death. Their illness was part of their story, but it wasn’t their entire story.
Consider their perspective: If they could speak to you now, would they want you to be consumed by guilt and sorrow? Or would they want you to find peace, joy, and meaning in your continuing life?
The Eternal Perspective
From an eternal standpoint, the questions that torment us now may seem less significant. Truman Madsen’s “Eternal Man” suggests that our current perspective, shaped by time and mortality, inevitably limits our understanding of justice, mercy, and purpose.
The God described in Smith’s funeral address—the God who “knows the weakness of man and how to succor them who are tempted”—is not a God of harsh judgment for those who struggle with illness. This is a God who sent Jesus precisely because He knew we would need an advocate, someone who understands our weaknesses and provides a way for all mistakes to be repaired.
Finding Hope in the Journey
The journey through grief, particularly grief complicated by addiction and mental health issues, is not linear. There will be good days and terrible days. There will be moments of peace and moments of overwhelming sadness. This is the nature of love continuing beyond physical presence.
But there is hope. Hope that our loved ones are at peace. Hope that their struggles are ended. Hope that love transcends death. Hope that we can learn to carry our grief in ways that honor both their memory and our own continued existence.
As Hyrum Smith testified, “God lives. Jesus is the Christ. He loves everybody in this room. He’ll take care of [our loved ones]. He’ll take care of us, too.”
This is the ultimate comfort for those walking through the valley of grief. We are not alone in our sorrow. We are not forgotten in our pain. And we are not without hope for healing, reunion, and peace.
The wagons are indeed ready when we are. The journey continues, and love travels with us—changed but not diminished, tested but not broken, and ultimately victorious over death itself.
Love & Light, Kevin Brough
Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness, St. George, Utah – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com
Change Work: Moving Beyond Surface Behaviors to Deep Transformation
By Kevin Brough, MFT
Introduction
In my years of practice, I’ve come to understand a fundamental truth about human change: You can’t change what you’re not aware of. This simple yet profound statement encapsulates the essence of meaningful therapeutic work and personal transformation. Too often, we focus on behavioral modifications—what I call first-order changes—without addressing the deeper cognitive and emotional systems that drive these behaviors. True, sustainable change requires a systems-based approach that recognizes the interconnected nature of our thoughts, emotions, and actions.
The field of cognitive-behavioral therapy has evolved significantly from its early focus on symptom reduction to a more comprehensive understanding of human change processes. Systems-based CBT recognizes that lasting behavioral change is only possible when we address the underlying cognitive and emotional patterns that maintain problematic behaviors (Mahoney, 1991). This approach acknowledges that human beings are complex systems where changes at one level inevitably impact other levels of functioning.
First-Order vs. Second-Order Change: Understanding the Hierarchy of Transformation
The distinction between first-order and second-order change is crucial for understanding why many therapeutic interventions fail to produce lasting results. First-order changes are surface-level behavioral modifications, such as stopping a habit, following a new routine, or implementing coping strategies. While these changes may provide immediate relief or improvement, they often lack the depth necessary for long-term sustainability.
Second-order change, in contrast, involves fundamental shifts in our cognitive schemas, emotional regulation patterns, and core belief systems (Watzlawick et al., 1974). These more profound changes create the foundation upon which sustainable behavioral modifications can be built. When we address the emotional and cognitive roots of behavior, we create systemic change that naturally supports new ways of being.
Consider, for example, a client struggling with chronic anxiety who learns relaxation techniques. This first-order change may provide temporary relief, but without addressing the underlying cognitive patterns of catastrophic thinking and the emotional dysregulation that fuels the anxiety, the symptoms are likely to return. However, when we help the client develop awareness of their thought patterns, process underlying emotional wounds, and restructure their core beliefs about safety and control, we create second-order change that naturally reduces anxiety at its source.
The Foundation of Change: Awareness, Consciousness, and Mindfulness
The journey toward meaningful change begins with awareness. As I often tell my clients, transformation is impossible without first developing a clear understanding of what needs to be transformed. This awareness operates on multiple levels: cognitive awareness of our thought patterns, emotional awareness of our feeling states, and somatic awareness of our bodily responses to stress and triggers.
Prochaska and DiClemente’s Stages of Change model offers a practical framework for understanding how awareness evolves into action (Prochaska & DiClemente, 1983). The model identifies six stages that individuals progress through when making lasting changes:
Precontemplation
At this stage, individuals are often unaware that a problem exists or that change is necessary. They may be in denial about the impact of their behaviors on themselves and others. The therapeutic work here focuses on raising awareness and helping clients begin to see patterns they previously couldn’t recognize.
Contemplation
Awareness begins to emerge, and individuals start to recognize that change may be beneficial. However, they remain ambivalent, weighing the costs and benefits of change. This stage is characterized by increased self-reflection and exploration of the problem.
Preparation
The decision to change has been made, and individuals begin to take small steps toward transformation. They may start gathering information, seeking support, or making preliminary changes to their environment.
Action
This stage involves implementing specific strategies and behaviors to create change. It requires significant commitment and energy as individuals work to establish new patterns while resisting the pull of old habits.
Maintenance
The focus shifts to sustaining the changes that have been made and preventing relapse. This stage requires ongoing vigilance and the continued use of coping strategies.
Termination
The new behaviors become so integrated that the individual no longer feels tempted to return to old patterns. The change has become an integral part of their identity, rather than something they must actively maintain.
This model illustrates how awareness naturally progresses to ownership and action. Each stage requires specific interventions and support to facilitate movement to the next level of change.
Extending Awareness to Relational Systems
Just as individual change requires awareness of internal patterns, relationship transformation—whether in couples or families—demands an expanded awareness that encompasses the interactive patterns and systemic dynamics between individuals. In my work with couples and families, I’ve observed that sustainable relationship change cannot occur through individual efforts alone; it requires each person to develop awareness of how their individual patterns intersect with and influence the relational system as a whole. This includes recognizing communication patterns, power dynamics, emotional triangles, and the unspoken rules that govern family interactions. For instance, a couple may each work individually on their anger management and communication skills, but without awareness of their cyclical pattern of pursuit and withdrawal, or how their family-of-origin experiences create complementary dysfunctions, their individual changes may actually make more tension in the relationship. True relational transformation occurs when partners or family members can simultaneously hold awareness of their own internal processes while also observing and taking responsibility for their contribution to systemic patterns. This dual awareness—of self and system—allows for coordinated change efforts where individual growth supports rather than threatens the relationship, creating space for authentic intimacy and healthier family functioning.
Developing Emotional Intelligence Through Awareness
Emotional intelligence—the ability to recognize, understand, and regulate our emotions while empathizing with others—is a crucial component of second-order change (Goleman, 1995). Many of the behavioral patterns we seek to change are driven by emotional reactions that occur below the threshold of consciousness. By developing emotional awareness and regulation skills, we gain access to the emotional drivers of our behavior.
The process of developing emotional intelligence begins with what I call “emotional mapping”—learning to identify and name our emotional experiences with precision. Many clients come to therapy with limited emotional vocabulary, describing complex feeling states with simple terms like “stressed” or “upset.” Through mindfulness practices and focused attention, we can cultivate the ability to recognize subtle emotional states and their corresponding cognitive and somatic markers.
This awareness then extends to understanding emotional triggers and patterns. Clients learn to recognize the early warning signs of emotional dysregulation and develop strategies for intervention before reactive patterns take over. This represents a shift from being controlled by emotions to creating a collaborative relationship with our emotional life.
Transformational Skills: The Tools for Change
Once awareness has been established, the next phase involves developing what I term “transformational skills”—the specific abilities needed to create and maintain change. These skills can be broadly categorized into several domains:
Cognitive Restructuring Skills
The ability to identify distorted thought patterns, challenge unhelpful beliefs, and develop more balanced and realistic cognitive frameworks. This includes skills such as thought monitoring, cognitive reframing, and the development of adaptive self-talk (Beck, 1976).
Emotional Regulation Skills
Techniques for managing intense emotions, including distress tolerance, emotion surfing, and developing self-soothing strategies. These skills help individuals remain functional during emotional storms and prevent impulsive reactions (Linehan, 1993).
Interpersonal Skills
The capacity to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and navigate relationships in ways that support rather than undermine change efforts. Many behavioral patterns are maintained by dysfunctional relationship dynamics that must be addressed for lasting change to occur.
Mindfulness and Present-Moment Awareness
The cultivation of non-judgmental awareness of present-moment experience, including thoughts, emotions, sensations, and environmental factors. This skill forms the foundation for all other transformational abilities (Kabat-Zinn, 1994).
Behavioral Activation and Goal-Setting
The ability to identify values-based goals and take consistent action toward their achievement, even in the presence of obstacles or setbacks.
Like any skill set, transformational skills improve with practice and application. Initially, clients may find these skills awkward or challenging to implement. However, with consistent use, they become more natural and automatic, eventually requiring less conscious effort to maintain.
The Neurobiological Foundation of Change
Understanding the brain science behind change can be empowering for both therapists and clients. Neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to reorganize and form new neural connections throughout life—provides the biological foundation for all psychological change (Doidge, 2007). When we engage in new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we literally rewire our brains.
Chronic stress and trauma can create rigid neural pathways that maintain problematic patterns of thinking and behaving. The amygdala, which is responsible for threat detection, can become hyperactive, while the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive functioning and emotional regulation, may become less active. This neurobiological state makes change more difficult but not impossible.
Therapeutic interventions that promote mindfulness, emotional regulation, and cognitive flexibility help strengthen prefrontal cortex functioning while calming amygdala reactivity. Through repeated practice of new skills and behaviors, we create new neural pathways that support healthier patterns of functioning. Over time, these new pathways can become the brain’s preferred routes, making positive changes feel more natural and automatic.
The process of neuroplasticity also explains why change takes time and why consistent practice is essential. Each time we choose a new response over an old pattern, we strengthen the neural pathways associated with the new behavior while weakening those associated with the old pattern. This is why I often tell clients that change is not a destination but a practice—a daily commitment to choosing new responses over familiar ones.
Trauma-Informed Change Work
No discussion of change work would be complete without addressing trauma’s impact on our capacity for transformation. Trauma, whether acute or developmental, creates disruptions in our nervous system that can significantly impact our ability to engage in change processes (van der Kolk, 2014).
Traumatic experiences often overwhelm our natural coping resources, leading to the development of survival strategies that may have been adaptive in dangerous situations but become problematic in current contexts. Many of the behaviors clients want to change—addiction, relationship difficulties, emotional dysregulation—can be understood as trauma responses that have outlived their usefulness.
Trauma-informed change work recognizes that healing must address both the psychological and physiological impacts of traumatic experiences. This often requires a combination of top-down approaches (cognitive interventions that help make sense of experiences) and bottom-up approaches (body-based interventions that help regulate the nervous system).
Top-Down Processing for Change
Top-down approaches work through the neocortex to influence lower brain regions. These interventions include:
Cognitive restructuring to address trauma-related beliefs about safety, trust, and self-worth
Narrative therapy techniques that help clients develop coherent stories about their experiences
Psychoeducation about trauma’s impact on the brain and nervous system
Mindfulness practices that strengthen prefrontal cortex functioning
Bottom-Up Processing for Change
Bottom-up approaches work directly with the body and nervous system to promote regulation and healing:
Somatic experiencing techniques that help discharge trapped trauma energy
Breathwork and other nervous-system regulation practices
Movement and dance therapies that help restore natural rhythms
EMDR and other therapies that work directly with traumatic memories stored in the body
The most effective trauma-informed change work integrates both approaches, recognizing that healing occurs through multiple pathways and that different clients may respond better to various interventions.
Mastering Awareness: The First Phase of Transformation
The development of awareness is not a one-time achievement but an ongoing practice that deepens over time. I conceptualize this as the first significant phase of personal transformation—learning to observe ourselves with clarity, compassion, and accuracy.
This phase involves several key developments:
Meta-Cognitive Awareness
Learning to observe our thoughts without being controlled by them. This includes recognizing thought patterns, understanding the difference between thoughts and facts, and developing the ability to step back from our mental content.
Emotional Awareness
Developing the capacity to recognize, name, and track our emotional experiences throughout the day. This includes understanding emotional triggers, recognizing the physical sensations associated with various emotions, and learning to tolerate difficult emotional states without resorting to immediate action.
Somatic Awareness
Tuning into the wisdom of the body and recognizing how stress, trauma, and emotional states manifest in physical sensations. This includes learning to use the body as an early warning system for emotional dysregulation.
Relational Awareness
Understanding our patterns in relationships, including how we contribute to relationship dynamics and how our past experiences influence our current interactions.
Values Awareness
Clarifying what matters most to us and understanding when our actions align with or contradict our most deeply held values.
Mastering Transformation: The Second Phase
Once a solid foundation of awareness has been established, the focus shifts to mastering transformation—the skillful application of change strategies in real-world situations. This second phase is characterized by several key developments:
Flexible Response Repertoire
Rather than being limited to automatic reactions, individuals develop multiple options for responding to challenging situations. They can choose responses based on effectiveness rather than habit.
Emotional Regulation Mastery
The ability to remain centered and responsive even in highly charged emotional situations. This includes skills such as self-soothing, distress tolerance, and maintaining perspective during challenging times.
Interpersonal Effectiveness
The capacity to maintain relationships while also maintaining personal boundaries and values. This includes skills for communication, conflict resolution, and collaborative problem-solving.
Resilience and Recovery
The ability to bounce back from setbacks and maintain forward momentum even when progress is not linear. This includes skills for self-compassion, meaning-making, and adaptive coping.
Practical Applications and Interventions
The theoretical framework outlined above translates into specific therapeutic interventions and practices:
Mindfulness-Based Interventions
Regular mindfulness practice helps develop the awareness necessary for change while also strengthening the neural pathways associated with emotional regulation and cognitive flexibility.
Cognitive-Behavioral Techniques
Traditional CBT interventions remain valuable for helping clients identify and modify problematic thought patterns; however, they are most effective when integrated into a broader, systems-based approach.
Somatic Interventions
Body-based interventions help clients develop awareness of how emotions and stress manifest physically while also providing tools for nervous system regulation.
Interpersonal Skills Training
Many behavioral patterns are maintained by dysfunctional relationship dynamics. Teaching clients effective communication and boundary-setting skills often facilitates broader change.
Values Clarification Work
Helping clients identify their core values and align their actions with these values provides motivation and direction for change efforts.
Conclusion
Change work, at its essence, is about helping individuals move from unconscious reactivity to conscious responsivity. This transformation requires more than surface-level behavioral modifications—it demands fundamental shifts in how we think, feel, and relate to ourselves and others.
The journey begins with awareness. As I’ve emphasized throughout my practice, you cannot change what you are not aware of. This awareness must be cultivated patiently and compassionately, recognizing that many of our patterns developed as adaptive responses to earlier life circumstances.
Once awareness is established, the focus shifts to developing transformational skills—the specific abilities needed to create and maintain change. These skills, like any others, improve with practice and become more natural over time.
The integration of top-down and bottom-up approaches ensures that change work addresses both the cognitive and somatic dimensions of human experience. By working with both the mind and body, we create the conditions for profound, lasting transformation.
Perhaps most importantly, this approach recognizes that change is not a destination but a way of life. The skills we develop in therapy become lifelong tools for continued growth and adaptation. As we master awareness and transformation, we build the capacity to navigate life’s challenges with greater skill, resilience, and authenticity.
The work is not easy, but it is profoundly worthwhile. Each moment of increased awareness, each skillful response to a challenging situation, and each choice to act from values rather than habit contribute to the larger project of becoming who we are meant to be. In this way, change work becomes not just about solving problems but about discovering and expressing our fullest potential.
Love & Light
Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness, St. George, Utah – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com
References
Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. International Universities Press.
Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. Viking.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it matters more than IQ. Bantam Books.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever you go, there you are: Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. Hyperion.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
Mahoney, M. J. (1991). Human change processes: The scientific foundations of psychotherapy. Basic Books.
Prochaska, J. O., & DiClemente, C. C. (1983). Stages and processes of self-change of smoking: Toward an integrative model of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 51(3), 390-395.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
Watzlawick, P., Weakland, J. H., & Fisch, R. (1974). Change: Principles of problem formation and problem resolution. Norton.
Somatic Therapy & Healing from Trauma: Understanding the Body’s Memory
An evidence-based exploration of how trauma lives in the body and how somatic approaches facilitate healing
Introduction
The famous words of psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, “The body keeps the score,” have become foundational to our understanding of trauma recovery. Recent research suggests that cellular memory is responsible for our physical and emotional responses to specific events and stimuli, regardless of whether we are in actual physical danger or completely safe (BodyBio, 2024). This emerging understanding of how trauma becomes embodied at the cellular level has profound implications for both trauma survivors and the healthcare providers who work with them.
Somatic therapy represents a paradigm shift from traditional talk therapy approaches by recognizing that trauma is not merely a psychological phenomenon but a whole-body experience that requires whole-body healing. Virtually every behavioral pattern exhibited during routine activities of daily living results from learned data that is stored, or encoded, as cellular memory (Academy for Traumatic Stress Studies, 2025). This article explores the neurobiological foundations of trauma, the role of cellular memory in trauma storage, and how somatic therapy approaches offer pathways to healing that honor the body’s innate wisdom.
The Neurobiological Landscape of Trauma
The Amygdala as Neural Router
Understanding trauma requires appreciating the brain’s alarm system, centered around the amygdala. LeDoux has proposed that in emotional processing, sensory information may access the amygdala via two different routes, called the low road and the high road (Journal of Neuropsychiatry, 2019).
The low road is a direct route to the amygdala from the thalamus, bypassing the cortex, that might promptly elicit fear defense responses without conscious recognition of the threat. By the high road, as soon as the sensory information projects to the thalamus, it is sent to the sensory cortex, insula, and PFC for a more complete analysis (conscious awareness of the conditioned stimulus), then this information is sent to the amygdala (Journal of Neuropsychiatry, 2019).
This dual-pathway system explains why trauma survivors often experience triggered responses before they can consciously process what’s happening. The amygdala essentially functions as a neural router, rapidly linking sensory data with emotional content and determining whether information should be processed through fast, survival-oriented circuits or slower, more deliberate conscious pathways.
Memory Encoding During Trauma
During traumatic events, bursts of adrenaline activate the amygdala, leading isolated sensory fragments to be vividly recalled. Specific sensory details such as visual images, smells, sounds, or felt experiences can be strongly imprinted and recalled (Dr. Arielle Schwartz, 2024).
This explains why trauma memories often lack coherent narrative structure. High arousal emotional and somatic experience disrupts the functioning of the hippocampus, which impairs our ability to recall all of the details or maintain a sense of sequential timing of events. We might have only fragments of sensory information (Dr. Arielle Schwartz, 2024).
The implications of this fragmented encoding are profound. Unlike typical memories that can be recalled and discussed coherently, traumatic memories exist as disconnected sensory fragments, body sensations, and emotional states that can be triggered without conscious awareness or understanding.
Cellular Memory: Where Trauma Lives in the Body
The Science of Embodied Trauma
Recent advances in neuroscience have revealed that trauma’s impact extends far beyond psychological symptoms. As it turns out, every one of our cells, not just neurons, has a kind of cellular memory that remembers and holds onto trauma from years prior, even from infancy when we have no conscious memory of what happened to us (BodyBio, 2024).
During the shock and stress of an event that is perceived as a physical or emotional threat, a special complex of hormonal messenger molecules are released by the limbic-hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal system. These substances encode all the external and internal sensory impressions of the perceived threat as cellular memory (Academy for Traumatic Stress Studies, 2025).
This cellular encoding creates what researchers refer to as “traumatically encoded cellular memory patterns,” which can influence behavior, physical health, and emotional responses long after the original trauma occurred. When a person is not capable or willing or simply doesn’t have the time and resources to process their experience, it is stored in the cells in its raw form. If it is a distressing experience, it is stored as a ‘trauma’ (Vitality Unleashed Psychology, 2024).
The Molecular Basis of Trauma Storage
At the molecular level, trauma appears to affect multiple biological systems simultaneously. One of the most critical molecular findings in PTSD research is that patients exhibit abnormally high GR sensitivity. Central to this finding is the immunophilin Fkpb5 (FK506 binding protein 5), which has become one of the most studied genes in PTSD research (PMC, 2017).
These molecular changes help explain why trauma symptoms can persist even when conscious memory of events may be limited or absent. Emotional memories of traumatic life events are stored in the brain, with anger, grief, worry, stress, and fear often associated with them. Research has now shown that emotional memories, both positive and negative, leave strong impressions on our brains and therefore affect our behaviour (Camino Recovery Spain, 2023).
Physical Trauma and Emotional Integration
The Convergence of Physical and Emotional Pain
When trauma involves both physical injury and emotional distress, the integration of these experiences creates complex neurobiological patterns. A robust body of research demonstrates that prolonged or repeated exposure to stress and trauma can have serious negative consequences for physical and mental health, particularly when stress is experienced early in development (PMC, 2019).
The nervous system doesn’t distinguish between physical and emotional threats in its fundamental alarm responses. Compromised maternal care, including neglect, inconsistency, and lack of sensitivity, is a significant contributor to ELS (early life stress), resulting in increased numbers and function of excitatory synapses upon stress-sensitive neurons in the hypothalamus, a critical structure in coordinating the autonomic response to stress as part of the HPA (Taylor & Francis, 2022).
This helps explain why survivors of physical trauma often experience ongoing emotional and physical symptoms that seem disproportionate to their current circumstances. The body’s alarm system, having been overwhelmed by the combination of physical threat and emotional distress, remains hypervigilant and reactive.
Somatic Processing of Combined Trauma
From a phylogenetically and ontogenetically informed perspective, trauma-related symptomology is conceptualized as grounded in brainstem-level somatic sensory processing dysfunction and its cascading influences on physiological arousal modulation, affect regulation, and higher-order capacities (Frontiers in Neuroscience, 2022).
This understanding suggests that healing from combined physical and emotional trauma requires interventions that address the foundational sensory processing systems. Somatic approaches are particularly well-suited for this integration because they work with the body’s natural capacity for self-regulation and healing.
Somatic Therapy: Working with the Body’s Wisdom
Theoretical Foundations
Somatic therapy emerged from the recognition that traditional talk therapy alone may not be sufficient to address trauma that is stored in the body. Pioneer Peter Levine observed that animals in the wild naturally recover from traumatic experiences through physical discharge and developed Somatic Experiencing based on this observation.
The core principles of somatic therapy include:
Bottom-Up Processing: Rather than starting with cognitive understanding, somatic approaches begin with body sensations and allow awareness to emerge organically.
Window of Tolerance: Developed by Dan Siegel, this concept describes the optimal zone of arousal where healing can occur without overwhelming the nervous system.
Pendulation: The natural movement between states of activation and calm that builds resilience and expands capacity for regulation.
Resource Building: Identifying and strengthening internal and external resources that support nervous system regulation.
The Integration of Polyvagal Theory
Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory provides crucial neurobiological understanding for somatic work. The theory describes three neural circuits:
Social Engagement System (Ventral Vagal Complex): Supports calm, social connection, and optimal functioning
Dorsal Vagal Complex: Handles immobilization responses, including freeze and collapse
Understanding these systems enables somatic therapists to track client states and intervene effectively. As the body changes, threat detection systems in the primitive brain can be activated. This part of the brain responds strongly to touch, safety, and presence. If a change in the body can be supported, cellular memory can be modified without needing to remember or even understand the traumatic event (Vitality Unleashed Psychology, 2024).
Evidence Base for Somatic Approaches
Research Findings
Multiple studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of somatic trauma therapies:
Somatic Experiencing: A 2017 randomized controlled trial by Brom et al. found that SE was as effective as CBT for PTSD treatment, with particular advantages in reducing physical symptoms and improving quality of life.
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Research by Langmuir et al. (2012) showed significant improvements in PTSD symptoms, with powerful effects on intrusive symptoms and emotional numbing.
Body-Based Interventions: A meta-analysis by van der Kolk et al. (2014) found that body-based interventions showed significant promise for trauma treatment, particularly for symptoms that don’t respond well to traditional talk therapy alone.
Neurobiological Validation
Brain imaging studies have shown changes in areas affected by trauma following somatic interventions. Using a combination of advanced genetic tools, 3D electron microscopy, and artificial intelligence, Scripps Research scientists reconstructed a wiring diagram of neurons involved in learning. They identified structural changes to these neurons and their connections at the cellular and subcellular levels (NIH, 2025).
This emerging research on neural plasticity supports the premise of somatic therapy, which suggests that the nervous system can reorganize and heal when provided with appropriate interventions.
Clinical Applications and Techniques
Core Somatic Interventions
Sensation Tracking: Teaching clients to notice and describe body sensations without judgment creates the foundation for somatic awareness.
Grounding Techniques: Helping clients connect with the present moment through physical contact with the earth or floor supports nervous system regulation.
Boundary Work: Exploring physical and energetic boundaries helps clients develop a stronger sense of self and safety.
Movement and Discharge: Encouraging natural movements and impulses supports the completion of interrupted defensive responses.
Integration with Other Modalities
Somatic therapy integrates well with other evidence-based approaches:
EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing naturally incorporates bilateral stimulation that supports somatic integration.
Cognitive Processing Therapy: CPT can be enhanced by including body awareness and sensation tracking.
Mindfulness-Based Interventions: These approaches naturally complement somatic work by developing present-moment awareness.
Special Considerations for Different Populations
Cultural Responsiveness
Modern somatic trauma work increasingly recognizes the impact of systemic oppression and collective trauma. This work revealed that experiences, ranging from individual to structural, are embodied, with their effects on the physical body as well as on emotions and cognition (PMC, 2024).
Practitioners must consider:
How different cultures relate to the body and healing
The impact of systemic oppression on nervous system functioning
Accessibility and inclusivity in somatic interventions
Special Populations
Children and Adolescents: Dramatic brain/body transformations occurring during adolescence may provide a highly responsive substrate to external stimuli and lead to trauma-related vulnerability conditions (ScienceDirect, 2023). Somatic approaches for young people must be developmentally appropriate and trauma-informed.
Complex Trauma Survivors: Those with histories of repeated or prolonged trauma may require specialized approaches that build safety and stabilization before processing trauma material.
Advanced Integration: The Alexander Technique and Energy-Based Approaches
Movement Education and Somatic Healing
The Alexander Technique offers valuable integration with somatic trauma work by addressing habitual movement patterns that may perpetuate trauma responses. This method teaches awareness of how we use our bodies and provides tools for conscious choice in movement and posture.
The integration of Alexander principles with somatic trauma work offers several advantages:
Pattern Stabilization: Helping clients maintain nervous system changes achieved in therapy
Conscious Choice: Teaching the ability to pause before falling into old trauma patterns
Functional Integration: Translating healing into improved daily functioning
Energy-Based Integration
Approaches drawn from Reiki, Quantum Touch, and other energy-based modalities can complement somatic trauma work when integrated thoughtfully:
Body Awareness Enhancement: Energy-based hand positions can increase proprioceptive awareness. Nervous System Regulation: Specific breathing patterns combined with gentle touch support parasympathetic activation. Integration Support: Energy-based practices can help anchor and integrate the gains from somatic therapy.
Future Directions and Implications
Emerging Research Areas
Epigenetics: Research on how trauma affects gene expression and how somatic interventions might influence epigenetic changes shows promise for understanding intergenerational trauma transmission and healing.
Collective and Community Trauma: Developing somatic approaches that can address trauma affecting entire communities represents a critical frontier.
Technology Integration: Virtual reality, biofeedback devices, and smartphone applications are now supporting somatic trauma work in innovative ways.
Clinical Integration
The future of trauma treatment lies in integrating somatic approaches with traditional healthcare. Over 70% of individuals experience a traumatic event at least once in their lifetime, with approximately 10% developing posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result (NCBI Bookshelf, 2024).
This prevalence underscores the importance of trauma-informed care across all healthcare settings, with somatic approaches offering valuable tools for assessment and intervention.
Implications for Practitioners
Training and Competency
Effective somatic trauma work requires specialized training that includes:
Personal Somatic Work: Practitioners must engage in their own healing to develop the sensitivity required for this work
Supervised Practice: Extensive supervision is essential for developing subtle somatic intervention skills
Ongoing Education: The field continues to evolve, requiring commitment to lifelong learning
Ethical Considerations
Working with trauma stored in the body requires careful attention to:
Informed Consent: Clients must understand the nature of somatic interventions
Boundary Awareness: Touch and body-based interventions require clear boundaries and consent processes
Cultural Sensitivity: Approaches must be adapted to respect diverse cultural perspectives on the body and healing
Practical Recommendations
For Healthcare Providers
Develop Body Awareness: Cultivate your own somatic awareness to better attune to client’s nervous system states
Learn Basic Nervous System Education: Understanding polyvagal theory and window of tolerance concepts enhances all clinical work
Incorporate Simple Somatic Tools: Basic grounding and breathing techniques can be valuable additions to any therapeutic approach
Seek Training: Consider formal training in somatic approaches to enhance your clinical skillset
Build Referral Networks: Develop relationships with qualified somatic practitioners for appropriate referrals
For Trauma Survivors
Explore Body Awareness: Begin noticing body sensations without trying to change them
Practice Grounding: Simple techniques like feeling your feet on the floor can support nervous system regulation
Seek Qualified Practitioners: Look for therapists trained in somatic approaches when traditional talk therapy isn’t sufficient
Be Patient with the Process: Somatic healing often occurs slowly and requires patience with the body’s natural rhythms
Build Resources: Identify activities, people, and places that help you feel calm and regulated
Conclusion
The emerging understanding of cellular memory and the neurobiological basis of trauma storage represents a significant advancement in our approach to healing and recovery. The first step is becoming aware of the experience, identifying it, and understanding that it is not the memory of the trauma itself that hurts you. It is the perception of the trauma you remember that’s hurting you (Vitality Unleashed Psychology, 2024).
Somatic therapy offers hope for those who have not found relief through traditional approaches alone by honoring the body’s role in both storing and healing trauma. As our understanding of the intricate connections between mind, body, and healing continues to evolve, somatic approaches will likely become increasingly central to comprehensive trauma treatment.
The integration of somatic therapy with other evidence-based approaches, including movement education and energy-based practices, opens new possibilities for healing that address trauma at all levels – from cellular memory to conscious awareness. For both practitioners and survivors, this represents an invitation to trust in the body’s innate wisdom and capacity for healing.
The body truly does keep the score, but it also holds the keys to recovery. Through patient, informed, and skillful somatic work, we can help the nervous system complete interrupted responses, discharge stored trauma, and return to its natural capacity for regulation, connection, and resilience.
As we continue to understand trauma’s impact on the whole person – body, mind, and spirit – somatic approaches offer a pathway back to embodied presence, safety, and wholeness. The future of trauma treatment lies not in choosing between mind and body, but in recognizing their fundamental integration and working with both in the service of healing.
Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness, St. George, Utah – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com
Bourassa, K. J., & Sbarra, D. A. (2024). Trauma, adversity, and biological aging: Behavioral mechanisms relevant to treatment and theory. Translational Psychiatry, 14, 285. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41398-024-03004-9
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Girgenti, M. J., Hare, B. D., Ghosal, S., & Duman, R. S. (2017). Molecular and cellular effects of traumatic stress: Implications for PTSD. Current Psychiatry Reports, 19(11), 85. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-017-0841-3
Langmuir, J. I., Kirsh, S. G., & Classen, C. C. (2012). A pilot study of body-oriented group psychotherapy: Adapting sensorimotor psychotherapy for the group treatment of trauma. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 4(2), 214-220.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
van der Kolk, B. A., Stone, L., West, J., Rhodes, A., Emerson, D., Suvak, M., & Spinazzola, J. (2014). Yoga as an adjunctive treatment for posttraumatic stress disorder: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 75(6), e559-e565.
Building Resilience Against Alzheimer’s and all forms of dementia: A Therapist’s Guide to Evidence-Based Prevention and Support
By Kevin Brough, MA, MFT
As a Marriage and Family Therapist who has witnessed the devastating impact of Alzheimer’s disease on many families, I’ve become deeply invested in understanding what current research tells us about prevention and early intervention. Having lost my father to this disease and recently my brother to early-onset Alzheimer’s at just 68, I’ve experienced firsthand both the clinical and personal sides of this journey. In searching for answers for myself, my siblings, my family, and my clients and their families, I have been & am deeply invested in finding and implementing any strategies and solutions that make a difference. This article synthesizes evidence-based research on cognitive, behavioral, and lifestyle interventions that may help reduce Alzheimer’s risk and support overall brain health.
Important Disclaimer: The medical, nutritional, and supplementation information presented here is based on published research findings and is not intended as medical advice. I am sharing this information in my capacity as a mental health professional interested in prevention and wellness, not as a medical practitioner. Please consult with your physician, neurologist, or other qualified healthcare providers before making any changes to your medical regimen, diet, or supplement routine. This article is for educational purposes only and should not replace professional medical consultation.
The Intersection of Mental Health and Neurological Wellness
From a therapeutic perspective, Alzheimer’s prevention represents a unique intersection of mental health, behavioral change, and medical wellness. Research increasingly shows that many of the same interventions we use in therapy to promote psychological resilience—stress management, social connection, purposeful living, and cognitive flexibility—also appear to protect against cognitive decline (Livingston et al., 2020).
The concept of “cognitive reserve,” first described by Stern (2002), suggests that individuals who engage in mentally stimulating activities throughout their lives may be better able to maintain cognitive function despite brain pathology. This aligns perfectly with therapeutic principles of growth, adaptability, and resilience that we foster in our clinical work.
Cognitive and Behavioral Interventions: The Therapeutic Foundation
Cognitive Stimulation and Lifelong Learning
As therapists, we understand that the brain’s neuroplasticity continues throughout life. Research by Park et al. (2014) demonstrated that engaging in cognitively demanding activities—learning new skills, languages, or technologies—can improve cognitive function in older adults. In my own recovery from Repetitive Concussive Disorder, I’ve found that returning to language learning (brushing up on Portuguese and Spanish) has been particularly beneficial for rebuilding neural pathways affected by my communication difficulties.
Therapeutic Applications:
Encourage clients to engage in novel learning experiences
Support exploration of creative pursuits like music, art, or writing
Facilitate discussion about lifelong interests that can be rekindled or deepened
Help clients reframe learning challenges as growth opportunities rather than failures
Social Connection and Community Engagement
Longitudinal studies consistently show that social isolation increases dementia risk, while strong social networks appear protective (Livingston et al., 2020). From a systemic therapy perspective, this reinforces our understanding that healing and health occur within relationships and community contexts.
Therapeutic Interventions:
Group therapy formats for older adults
Family therapy to strengthen intergenerational connections
Community-based interventions and support groups
Volunteer work and meaningful social roles
Processing grief and loss to prevent social withdrawal
Stress Management and Emotional Regulation
Chronic stress and elevated cortisol levels have been linked to hippocampal atrophy and increased Alzheimer’s risk (Sotiropoulos et al., 2011). As mental health professionals, we have numerous evidence-based tools for stress reduction that may also support brain health.
Evidence-Based Stress Interventions:
Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR): Research by Luders et al. (2013) shows that meditation practice is associated with increased gray matter density in areas involved in learning and memory
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): The mindfulness and distress tolerance skills from DBT are particularly valuable for managing the emotional intensity that can accompany cognitive health concerns. Research by Perroud et al. (2013) demonstrates that DBT mindfulness practices can reduce inflammation markers, which are implicated in causing neurodegeneration
Somatic Therapy Approaches: Body-based interventions help regulate the nervous system and reduce chronic stress activation. Techniques such as Somatic Experiencing and body awareness practices can help individuals recognize and interrupt stress patterns before they become chronic (van der Kolk, 2014)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps identify and modify stress-inducing thought patterns
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Promotes psychological flexibility and values-based living
The ability to manage intense emotions without becoming overwhelmed is crucial for both mental health and cognitive preservation. Chronic emotional dysregulation can lead to sustained stress hormone elevation, which research links to hippocampal damage and increased dementia risk (McEwen, 2017).
DBT Skills for Cognitive Health:
Distress Tolerance: Learning to tolerate uncertainty about cognitive changes without engaging in harmful behaviors or rumination
Emotion Regulation: Identifying and managing emotions related to health anxiety, grief, and fear
Mindfulness: Present-moment awareness that reduces anxiety about future cognitive decline
Interpersonal Effectiveness: Maintaining relationships and seeking support during health challenges
Somatic Interventions for Nervous System Regulation: Research increasingly shows that trauma and chronic stress are stored in the body, affecting both mental and neurological health (Porges, 2011). Somatic approaches help individuals:
Recognize early warning signs of stress activation in the body
Develop tools for nervous system regulation and co-regulation
Process trauma that may contribute to chronic inflammation
Build resilience through body-based resources and grounding techniques
Therapeutic Applications:
Body scanning and awareness exercises
Breathwork and nervous system regulation
Movement therapy and expressive arts
Touch and boundary work (when appropriate)
Titrated exposure to difficult emotions through somatic awareness
Meaning-Making and Purpose
Viktor Frankl’s logotherapy emphasized that meaning and purpose are fundamental to psychological well-being. Recent research by Kim et al. (2013) found that individuals with a higher purpose in life had a reduced risk of Alzheimer’s disease. This suggests that therapeutic work around life purpose and meaning-making may have neurological benefits beyond psychological ones.
Therapeutic Approaches:
Life review and reminiscence therapy
Values clarification exercises
Legacy work and generativity
Exploration of post-career identity and purpose
Lifestyle Factors: The Evidence Base
Physical Exercise and Movement
Research consistently identifies aerobic exercise as one of the most powerful interventions for brain health. Erickson et al. (2011) found that aerobic exercise increased hippocampal volume and improved memory function in older adults. The therapeutic implications are significant—exercise functions as both a biological and psychological intervention.
Evidence-Based Exercise Recommendations:
150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity weekly (World Health Organization, 2020)
Resistance training 2-3 times per week
Balance and coordination exercises (tai chi, yoga)
Activities that combine physical and cognitive demands (dancing, sports)
Sleep Optimization
Sleep disturbances are both a risk factor for and an early symptom of Alzheimer’s disease. Research by Mander et al. (2017) shows that sleep disruption accelerates tau protein accumulation in the brain. From a therapeutic standpoint, sleep hygiene becomes a crucial intervention.
Sleep Intervention Strategies:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I)
Sleep hygiene education
Relaxation techniques and bedtime routines
Addressing underlying anxiety or depression affecting sleep
Nutritional Considerations
The Mediterranean-DASH Intervention for Neurodegenerative Delay (MIND) diet has shown promise in reducing Alzheimer’s risk (Morris et al., 2015). While nutritional counseling falls outside most therapists’ scope of practice, we can support clients in making behavioral changes around eating habits.
Research-Supported Nutritional Elements:
Mediterranean diet patterns emphasizing fish, vegetables, and whole grains
Anti-inflammatory foods, including berries, leafy greens, and nuts
Limited processed foods and refined sugars
Adequate hydration and moderate alcohol consumption
Supplementation Research Findings: Research has examined various supplements for brain health, though results are mixed, and individuals should consult healthcare providers.
Omega-3 fatty acids (EPA/DHA) for inflammation reduction (Yurko-Mauro et al., 2010)
Vitamin D for neurological function (Annweiler et al., 2013)
B-complex vitamins for homocysteine reduction (Smith et al., 2010)
Antioxidants like curcumin and resveratrol (Hamaguchi et al., 2010)
Supporting Families: The Systemic Approach
Caregiver Support and Family Dynamics
When working with families affected by Alzheimer’s risk or diagnosis, a systemic approach recognizes that brain health occurs within family and social systems. Research by Brodaty & Donkin (2009) emphasizes the importance of family-centered interventions.
Family-Centered Interventions:
Psychoeducation about Alzheimer’s risk and prevention
Communication skills training for difficult conversations
Caregiver stress management and respite planning
Family meeting facilitation for care planning
Grief counseling for anticipatory loss
Intergenerational Considerations
Families with Alzheimer’s history face unique challenges around genetic risk, family planning decisions, and intergenerational trauma. Therapeutic work may involve helping families navigate these complex emotional territories while maintaining hope and agency.
Early Intervention and Monitoring
Cognitive Assessment and Monitoring
While formal neuropsychological testing requires specialized training, therapists can be alert to cognitive changes that warrant referral. Research by Petersen et al. (2018) emphasizes the importance of early detection and intervention in mild cognitive impairment.
Clinical Observations:
Changes in executive functioning or decision-making
Increased difficulty with complex tasks
Language or communication changes
Personality or mood alterations
Social withdrawal or behavioral changes
Building Cognitive Reserve Through Therapy
Therapeutic work itself may contribute to cognitive reserve building. Engaging in psychotherapy requires complex cognitive processes—memory, executive function, emotional regulation, and social cognition—that may strengthen neural networks.
Therapy as Cognitive Exercise:
Narrative therapy and storytelling
Problem-solving and decision-making processes
Emotional processing and integration through both cognitive and somatic approaches
Insight development and self-reflection
Relationship skill building
DBT Skills Practice: The cognitive demands of learning and applying DBT skills—mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness—provide excellent cognitive exercise while building practical life skills
Somatic Integration: Body-based processing that integrates cognitive insights with felt sense awareness, promoting whole-brain engagement
Addressing the Emotional Impact
Managing Anxiety About Cognitive Decline
For individuals with a family history of Alzheimer’s, anxiety about cognitive changes can become overwhelming and paradoxically impair cognitive function. Therapeutic intervention focuses on finding the balance between appropriate precaution and excessive worry.
Therapeutic Strategies:
DBT Distress Tolerance Skills: “TIPP” (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, Progressive muscle relaxation) for managing acute anxiety about cognitive changes
Somatic Grounding Techniques: Body-based interventions to interrupt anxiety spirals and return to present-moment awareness
Uncertainty tolerance building
Realistic risk assessment and education
Control vs. influence discrimination
Mindfulness and present-moment awareness
Body-Based Anxiety Management: Somatic therapy recognizes that anxiety about cognitive health often manifests physically before becoming conscious thoughts. Teaching clients to recognize physical sensations of anxiety—tension, shallow breathing, racing heart—allows for earlier intervention and prevents escalation into panic or rumination.
Processing Grief and Loss
Families dealing with Alzheimer’s experience multiple losses—the gradual loss of the person they knew, changes in relationships, and fears about their own futures. This anticipatory grief requires skilled therapeutic support.
Grief-Informed Interventions:
Ambiguous loss framework (Boss, 2000)
Continuing bonds theory
Ritual and ceremony for marking transitions
Family storytelling and legacy preservation
Support for disenfranchised grief
Prevention as Empowerment
Perhaps most importantly, focusing on evidence-based prevention strategies can restore a sense of agency and hope to individuals and families who may feel helpless in the face of genetic risk. While we cannot control our genetic inheritance, research suggests we may be able to influence when, how, or if these genes are expressed through our lifestyle choices.
Conclusion
The emerging research on Alzheimer’s prevention offers hope and concrete actions for individuals and families concerned about cognitive decline. As mental health professionals, we are uniquely positioned to support the psychological and behavioral aspects of brain health while working collaboratively with medical providers on the biological components.
The interventions that support cognitive health—stress management, social connection, purposeful living, and psychological resilience—align perfectly with our therapeutic goals. By integrating this knowledge into our practice, we can offer our clients not just symptom relief, but potentially life-changing prevention strategies.
The journey of brain health is ultimately about living fully and intentionally, maintaining connections, and continuing to grow throughout our lives. These are the same goals we pursue in all our therapeutic work—making this integration both natural and essential.
For information or to work therapeutically with the Author:
Contact Ascend Counseling & Wellness 435-688-1111 or email kevin@ascendcw.com
References
Annweiler, C., Llewellyn, D. J., & Beauchet, O. (2013). Low serum vitamin D concentrations in Alzheimer’s disease: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease, 33(3), 659-674.
Boss, P. (2000). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Harvard University Press.
Brodaty, H., & Donkin, M. (2009). Family caregivers of people with dementia. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 11(2), 217-228.
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Building Emotionally Intelligent Children: Where Gottman Meets The Parenting Pyramid
As parents, we’re constantly seeking frameworks that help us raise children who are not only successful but genuinely happy and emotionally healthy. Two powerful approaches have shaped my understanding of effective parenting: John Gottman’s research on emotional intelligence in children and The Arbinger Institute’s revolutionary Parenting Pyramid. When combined, these methodologies create a comprehensive roadmap for nurturing emotionally intelligent, self-aware children.
The Foundation: Understanding Our Own Heart
The Arbinger Institute’s Parenting Pyramid places “heart” at its foundation – the recognition that our internal state as parents fundamentally shapes our children’s development. This aligns perfectly with Gottman’s emphasis on parents becoming “emotion coaches” for their children. Before we can guide our children through their emotional landscape, we must first examine our own.
When we’re in what Arbinger calls the “box” – viewing our children as objects rather than people – we unconsciously transmit this energy to them. Our children sense when we see them as problems to be solved, projects to be completed, or reflections of our own success or failure. This objectifying mindset creates emotional distance and prevents the very connection that Gottman identifies as essential for emotional coaching.
The path forward requires us to step out of the box and see our children as whole people with their own hopes, fears, dreams, and legitimate needs. This shift in perspective creates the emotional safety necessary for authentic connection and learning.
The Framework: Gottman’s Emotion Coaching
Gottman’s research reveals that emotionally intelligent children have parents who serve as emotion coaches. These parents follow a five-step process:
Becoming aware of emotions – both their own and their children’s
Recognizing emotions as opportunities for connection and teaching
Listening empathetically and validating their child’s feelings
Helping children label emotions and understand their emotional vocabulary
Setting limits while problem-solving together
This process only works when built on the foundation of genuine care for our children as people, not just as recipients of our parenting techniques.
The Integration: Seeing Through Clear Eyes
When we combine these approaches, we discover that effective emotional coaching requires us to be “out of the box” in our fundamental orientation toward our children. Consider this scenario:
Your eight-year-old comes home from school upset because a friend excluded them from a group activity. If we’re in the box, we might:
Immediately jump to problem-solving mode
Minimize their feelings (“You’re being too sensitive”)
Make it about us (“This reflects poorly on how I’ve raised you”)
Focus on changing the child rather than understanding them
But when we’re out of the box, seeing our child as a person with legitimate feelings, we can engage in authentic emotion coaching:
Awareness: We notice our child’s emotional state and our own reaction to it.
Opportunity: We recognize this as a chance to deepen our connection and help our child develop emotional skills.
Empathy: We listen fully, validating their experience: “That sounds really hurtful. It makes sense that you’d feel left out.”
Labeling: We help them identify and articulate their emotions: “It sounds like you’re feeling disappointed and maybe a little angry too.”
Problem-solving: Together, we explore ways to handle similar situations in the future while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
The Transformation: From Technique to Relationship
The magic happens when we realize that emotional intelligence isn’t something we teach our children – it’s something we model and co-create with them. When our hearts are right, when we genuinely see our children as people worthy of respect and understanding, the techniques become natural expressions of our care rather than manipulative tools.
This integration requires us to:
Examine our motivations regularly: Are we emotion coaching because we genuinely want to help our child, or because we want to appear like good parents? The energy behind our actions matters more than the actions themselves.
Practice self-regulation: We cannot teach emotional intelligence while we’re emotionally dysregulated. Taking time to center ourselves before engaging with our children’s emotions is crucial.
Embrace the learning process: Both we and our children are learning to navigate emotions together. Perfection isn’t the goal – connection and growth are.
The Daily Practice: Small Moments, Big Impact
Emotional intelligence develops through countless small interactions rather than grand gestures. When we maintain an out-of-the-box heart toward our children, we naturally create more opportunities for emotional coaching:
The bedtime routine becomes a time for emotional check-ins
Car rides transform into safe spaces for sharing feelings
Conflicts become opportunities for teaching rather than battles to be won
Mistakes become learning moments rather than failures
The Long-term Vision: Raising Emotionally Intelligent Adults
When we consistently approach our children from this integrated perspective, we’re not just helping them manage their current emotions – we’re building the foundation for their future relationships, their resilience in facing life’s challenges, and their capacity to make meaningful contributions to the world.
Children who grow up with parents who see them clearly and coach them emotionally develop:
Strong self-awareness and emotional vocabulary
Healthy relationship skills
Resilience in facing difficulties
Empathy for others
Confidence in their ability to navigate life’s complexities
The Invitation: Start Where You Are
You don’t need to be perfect to begin this journey. Start by examining your own heart. In your next interaction with your child, pause and ask yourself: “Am I seeing them as a person right now, or as a problem to be solved?” Let that awareness guide you toward more authentic connection.
Remember, the goal isn’t to raise children who never feel difficult emotions – it’s to raise children who can navigate their emotional world with wisdom, compassion, and resilience. When we combine the clear vision of an out-of-the-box heart with the practical tools of emotion coaching, we create the conditions for our children to thrive emotionally and relationally.
The path to raising emotionally intelligent children begins with our own transformation. As we learn to see our children clearly and coach them with genuine care, we discover that we’re not just shaping their emotional development – we’re deepening our own capacity for love, understanding, and authentic connection.
Discover Your Governing Purpose: The Secret to Living a Life That Truly Matters
Why the most successful organizations—and people—all have one thing in common
The Wake-Up Call Most of Us Need
Picture this: You’re lying in bed on a Sunday night, that familiar knot forming in your stomach as you think about Monday morning. You’ve got a decent job, your bills are paid, and from the outside, everything looks fine. But deep down, something feels… missing. You go through the motions, check the boxes, but you can’t shake the feeling that you’re living someone else’s life.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Studies show that 70% of people feel disengaged from their daily activities, and many report feeling like they’re just “going through the motions” rather than living with intention and purpose (Gallup, 2023).
But here’s what the most successful companies—and the happiest people—know that others don’t: they all have a governing purpose.
What Is a Governing Purpose (And Why You Need One)?
A governing purpose isn’t just a fancy mission statement you frame and forget. It’s your fundamental reason for existing—the core principle that guides every decision you make and gives meaning to everything you do.
Think about companies like Patagonia, whose purpose is “to save our home planet,” or Disney, which exists “to entertain, inform and inspire people around the globe.” These aren’t just marketing slogans—they’re the North Star that guides every business decision, from product development to hiring practices.
When applied to your personal life, a governing purpose becomes your internal compass, helping you navigate life’s complexities with clarity and confidence. Research from the University of Michigan found that people with a strong sense of purpose live an average of seven years longer and report significantly higher levels of life satisfaction (Hill & Turiano, 2014).
The Science Behind Purpose-Driven Living
The benefits of having a clear governing purpose aren’t just feel-good psychology—they’re backed by solid research:
Physical Health Benefits
Better sleep quality: People with purpose report 63% less sleep disturbance (Kim et al., 2015)
Stronger immune system: Purpose-driven individuals show better stress resilience
Increased longevity: Clear purpose correlates with a 15% reduction in mortality risk
Mental and Emotional Benefits
Lower rates of depression: Purpose acts as a protective factor against mental health challenges (Pfund & Lewis, 2020)
Greater resilience: People with purpose bounce back faster from setbacks
Enhanced decision-making: Clear values make choices easier and more satisfying
Relationship Benefits
Deeper connections: Purpose-driven people attract like-minded individuals
Better conflict resolution: Shared values provide a framework for working through differences
Stronger families: Children of purpose-driven parents show better outcomes across multiple measures
Your Governing Purpose vs. Your Goals
Here’s where most people get confused: your governing purpose isn’t the same as your goals.
Goals are what you want to achieve—lose 20 pounds, get promoted, buy a house. Purpose is why those things matter to you and how they connect to your deeper values.
For example:
Goal: “I want to get promoted to manager”
Purpose-driven approach: “I want to develop my leadership skills so I can mentor others and create positive change in my organization because I believe in helping people reach their potential”
See the difference? The goal is just a stepping stone; the purpose is the foundation that gives the goal meaning and sustains your motivation when things get tough.
The Four Pillars of Your Personal Governing Purpose
Based on organizational research and positive psychology, every strong governing purpose rests on four pillars:
1. Core Identity – Who You Are
This is about understanding your authentic self—your values, strengths, and the experiences that have shaped you. It’s not who you think you should be or who others expect you to be, but who you truly are at your core.
2. Guiding Principles – What Matters Most
These are your non-negotiable values—the principles that guide your decisions and behavior. They’re the standards you won’t compromise, even when it’s difficult or costly.
3. Impact Vision – How You Contribute
This is about the positive difference you want to make in the world, whether that’s in your family, your workplace, your community, or beyond. It’s your unique contribution to making things better.
4. Future Legacy – What You Leave Behind
This is the long-term impact of your life—how you want to be remembered and what lasting change you want to create. It’s bigger than your immediate goals and connects to something that will outlast you.
Why Most People Never Find Their Purpose (And How to Avoid These Traps)
Trap #1: Waiting for the Lightning Bolt
The myth: Purpose will strike you like lightning in a dramatic moment of clarity. The reality: Purpose is usually discovered through reflection, experimentation, and gradual clarity over time.
Trap #2: Thinking It Has to Be Grand
The myth: Your purpose must be world-changing and dramatic. The reality: Purpose can be found in everyday roles—being an exceptional parent, teacher, or friend can be just as meaningful as starting a nonprofit.
Trap #3: Confusing Purpose with Passion
The myth: Follow your passion and purpose will follow. The reality: Purpose often emerges from the intersection of what you’re good at, what the world needs, and what brings you fulfillment—passion is just one piece of the puzzle.
Trap #4: Making It All About You
The myth: Purpose is about self-fulfillment. The reality: The most fulfilling purposes involve contributing to something bigger than yourself.
Real-Life Purpose Transformations
Sarah, Marketing Manager → Community Builder Sarah felt stuck in a corporate marketing role until she realized her true purpose was building connections between people. She started a neighborhood group that now serves 500 families, and eventually transitioned to work for a community development nonprofit. “I’m still using my marketing skills,” she says, “but now they’re serving my deeper purpose of bringing people together.”
Mike, Burned-Out Lawyer → Purpose-Driven Legal Advocate Mike was making six figures but felt empty inside. Through purpose exploration, he discovered his core value was justice for the underserved. He transitioned to legal aid work, took a pay cut, but says he’s never been happier. “I finally feel like my work matters.”
The Johnson Family → Community Impact Team The Johnsons felt disconnected as a family until they developed a shared purpose around environmental stewardship. Now they volunteer together monthly, have reduced their carbon footprint by 60%, and their teenage kids are more engaged and motivated than ever.
Getting Started: Your Purpose Discovery Journey
Discovering your governing purpose isn’t a weekend project—it’s an ongoing journey of self-discovery and refinement. But you can start today with these proven approaches:
The Values Archaeology Method
Look back at moments when you felt most alive, energized, and authentic. What values were you expressing? What principles were you honoring? These peak experiences often reveal your core values.
The Future Legacy Exercise
Imagine you’re 90 years old, looking back on your life. What would make you feel proud? What would you regret not doing? What impact would you want to have had? This exercise helps clarify what truly matters to you.
The Intersection Analysis
Draw three circles representing: (1) What you’re naturally good at, (2) What brings you joy and energy, and (3) What the world needs. Your purpose likely lives at the intersection of these three areas.
The Service Test
Ask yourself: “How can my unique combination of talents, experiences, and passions serve others?” Purpose almost always involves contributing to something beyond yourself.
The Ripple Effect: How Your Purpose Impacts Others
Here’s the beautiful thing about living with purpose: it’s contagious. When you’re clear on your governing purpose and living it authentically, you give others permission to do the same.
Research shows that purpose-driven people:
Inspire better performance in their teams (Grant, 2008)
Raise more resilient, motivated children (Malin et al., 2014)
Create stronger, more satisfying relationships (Burrow & Hill, 2011)
Contribute more meaningfully to their communities
Your purpose doesn’t just change your life—it creates ripples that extend far beyond what you can see.
The Cost of Living Without Purpose
Let’s be honest about what’s at stake here. Living without a clear governing purpose isn’t just about missing out on fulfillment—it has real costs:
Personal Costs
Decision fatigue: Without clear values, every choice becomes exhausting
Regret and resentment: Years of living someone else’s priorities
Chronic stress: Misalignment between values and actions creates ongoing tension
Missed opportunities: Lack of clarity leads to poor choices and missed chances
Relationship Costs
Shallow connections: Without knowing yourself, it’s hard to form deep relationships
Family conflict: Unclear values lead to inconsistent parenting and partnership decisions
Professional stagnation: Lack of purpose makes it harder to advance meaningfully in your career
Societal Costs
Wasted talent: The world misses out on your unique contributions
Decreased community engagement: People without purpose are less likely to volunteer or contribute
Intergenerational impact: Children of purpose-less parents struggle more with direction and meaning
Your Purpose Evolution: It’s Not Set in Stone
Here’s something important to understand: your governing purpose can evolve. The values at your core may remain consistent, but how you express them and the specific ways you contribute to the world can change as you grow and as circumstances shift.
A mother’s purpose might evolve from “nurturing my children” to “supporting other parents” as her kids grow up. An engineer’s purpose might shift from “building innovative products” to “mentoring the next generation of creators.”
This evolution is natural and healthy—it means you’re growing and adapting while staying true to your core values.
Taking the Next Step
If you’ve read this far, something is stirring inside you. Maybe it’s excitement about the possibility of living with greater purpose, or maybe it’s the recognition that you’ve been living on autopilot for too long.
Either way, you’re ready to take the next step.
Professional purpose development can help you:
Clarify your core values and authentic identity
Identify the unique contribution you’re meant to make
Align your goals and decisions with your deeper purpose
Navigate life transitions with greater confidence
Build stronger, more meaningful relationships
Create a legacy you’re proud of
Whether you work with a coach, join a purpose development program, or engage in structured self-exploration, the investment you make in discovering and developing your governing purpose will pay dividends for the rest of your life.
Questions to Spark Your Purpose Discovery
Take a few minutes to reflect on these questions. Don’t overthink them—let your instincts guide your initial responses:
Core Identity Questions
What are you doing when you feel most like yourself? Think about moments when you feel authentic, energized, and aligned.
What compliments do you receive that feel most meaningful? Often, others see our gifts more clearly than we do.
What life experiences have shaped you most significantly? Both challenges and triumphs reveal our values and resilience.
Values and Principles Questions
What injustice or problem in the world bothers you most? Our outrage often points to our values.
When you’re making a difficult decision, what principles do you never want to compromise? These are your non-negotiables.
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? This reveals what you’d pursue if fear wasn’t a factor.
Impact and Contribution Questions
What unique combination of skills, experiences, and perspectives do you bring to the world? Everyone has a unique “recipe” of gifts.
How do you most naturally help or serve others? Look at patterns in how you support friends, family, and colleagues.
What would the people closest to you say is your greatest strength or gift? Sometimes we’re blind to our own superpowers.
Legacy and Vision Questions
If you could solve one problem in the world, what would it be? This reveals what you care most deeply about.
What do you want to be remembered for? Think beyond achievements to the impact you had on others.
What would need to be true for you to feel proud of your life at age 90? This long-term perspective clarifies what really matters.
Integration Question
Complete this sentence: “I feel most fulfilled when I am…” Let your intuition guide this response—it often reveals your purpose in its simplest form.
Your governing purpose is waiting to be discovered. The question isn’t whether you have one—it’s whether you’ll take the time to uncover it and have the courage to live it.
Burrow, A. L., & Hill, P. L. (2011). Purpose as a form of identity capital for positive youth adjustment. Developmental Psychology, 47(4), 1196-1206.
Gallup. (2023). State of the global workplace report. Gallup Press.
Grant, A. M. (2008). The significance of task significance: Job performance effects, relational mechanisms, and boundary conditions. Journal of Applied Psychology, 93(1), 108-124.
Hill, P. L., & Turiano, N. A. (2014). Purpose in life as a predictor of mortality across adulthood. Psychological Science, 25(7), 1482-1486.
Kim, E. S., Hershner, S. D., & Strecher, V. J. (2015). Purpose in life and incidence of sleep disturbances. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 38(3), 590-597.
Malin, H., Reilly, T. S., Quinn, B., & Moran, S. (2014). Adolescent purpose development: Exploring empathy, discovering roles, shifting priorities, and creating pathways. Applied Developmental Science, 18(1), 17-26.
Pfund, G. N., & Lewis, N. A. (2020). Aging with purpose: Developmental science perspectives on purpose in life. Current Opinion in Psychology, 36, 87-92.
Schwartz, S. H. (2012). An overview of the Schwartz theory of basic values. Online Readings in Psychology and Culture, 2(1), 11-20.
Finding Your Anchor: Reclaiming Power in the Storm of Hyperarousal
When trauma has hijacked your nervous system and hope feels like a foreign concept, how do you find solid ground? This is for anyone whose trauma history has left them feeling powerless in their own body, searching for tools to navigate hyperarousal and rediscover their inherent strength.
When Your Body Betrays Your Spirit
If you’re reading this while your heart races, your thoughts spiral, or your body feels like it’s vibrating with an energy you can’t control, you’re not broken. You’re experiencing hyperarousal—your nervous system’s attempt to protect you that has become stuck in overdrive. When trauma lives in our bodies, it can feel like we’re passengers in a runaway vehicle, watching our lives unfold without any sense of agency or hope.
But here’s what trauma wants you to forget: even in the most activated state, you still have choices. Micro-choices. Moment-by-moment decisions that can slowly shift the trajectory of your experience.
The Space Between Stimulus and Response
Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and founder of logotherapy, discovered something profound in the concentration camps that speaks directly to this experience: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
When you’re hyperaroused, that space feels impossibly small—maybe just a microsecond. But it exists. Your trauma history may have taught your nervous system to react with lightning speed, but it cannot eliminate that fundamental human capacity for choice.
Right now, as you read this, you’re already exercising that choice. You chose to seek resources. You chose to keep looking for answers despite feeling hopeless. This is your first act of reclaiming power.
Grounding in the Present: DBT Skills for Hyperarousal
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers concrete tools specifically designed for moments when your emotional intensity feels unbearable. When hyperarousal hits, try these TIPP skills:
Temperature
Splash cold water on your face or hold ice cubes. This activates your dive response, literally slowing your heart rate within 15-30 seconds. Your nervous system cannot maintain hyperarousal when this physiological brake is applied.
Intense Exercise
Do jumping jacks, run in place, or do push-ups for 10 minutes. Match your body’s energy rather than fighting it. Sometimes we need to move through activation, not around it.
Paced Breathing
Exhale longer than you inhale. Try breathing in for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6. This stimulates your vagus nerve and signals safety to your nervous system.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Tense and release muscle groups systematically. When trauma makes us feel powerless, this reminds us we can still control something—our own muscle tension.
The Acceptance Paradox: ACT Principles
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us something counterintuitive: the struggle against our experience often amplifies our suffering. When you’re hyperaroused and fighting against it, you’re essentially having two problems—the activation itself, and the exhausting battle against it.
The Quicksand Metaphor
Imagine hyperarousal as quicksand. The more frantically you struggle, the deeper you sink. But if you can stop fighting and slowly, deliberately work with the medium you’re in, you can find your way to solid ground.
This doesn’t mean giving up or being passive. It means recognizing that your power lies not in controlling your nervous system’s responses, but in choosing how you relate to them.
Values as Your North Star
When everything feels chaotic, your values become your compass. Ask yourself: What matters to me beyond this moment of suffering? Maybe it’s connection, creativity, justice, or growth. Even tiny actions aligned with your values—sending a text to a friend, creating something small, standing up for yourself in a minor way—can restore a sense of meaning and agency.
Cognitive Reframing: Rewriting the Story
Your traumatized nervous system tells a very specific story: “You’re in danger. You’re powerless. This will never end.”Cognitive reframing isn’t about positive thinking—it’s about examining the evidence and expanding your perspective.
The Temporary Nature Reframe
“This feeling is permanent” becomes “This is my nervous system doing what it learned to do to survive. Hyperarousal has a beginning, middle, and end. I’ve survived 100% of my worst days so far.”
The Capability Reframe
“I can’t handle this” becomes “I’m handling this right now. I may not be handling it gracefully or comfortably, but I’m here, I’m breathing, and I’m seeking resources. That’s evidence of my resilience.”
The Learning Reframe
“My trauma ruined me” becomes “My trauma taught my nervous system to be hypervigilant in a world that felt dangerous. Now I’m learning to teach it new responses for a life I’m creating.”
Pattern Interrupts: Breaking the Hyperarousal Loop
When your nervous system is stuck in a loop, pattern interrupts can create the neurological “reset” you need:
The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
This forces your activated nervous system to engage with present-moment sensory data rather than trauma memories or catastrophic projections.
The Opposite Action
If hyperarousal makes you want to isolate, reach out to one person. If it makes you want to run, sit down and breathe. If it makes you want to clench, stretch and open. This isn’t about forcing yourself into positivity—it’s about providing new neurological input.
The Curiosity Flip
Instead of “Why is this happening to me again?” try “I wonder what my nervous system is trying to protect me from right now. What would it need to feel safer?” Curiosity activates different neural pathways than fear or frustration.
Frankl’s Ultimate Teaching: Finding Meaning in Suffering
Frankl discovered that even in the most extreme circumstances, people could endure unimaginable suffering if they could find meaning in it. He wrote: “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how.'”
Your hyperarousal, your trauma history, your current struggle—none of it is meaningless suffering. Your nervous system’s responses developed for reasons. They served you once. And now, your journey toward healing—even this moment of seeking resources while activated—can serve something larger.
Perhaps your healing contributes to breaking generational patterns. Perhaps your resilience inspires others who feel hopeless. Perhaps your willingness to keep trying in the face of trauma teaches your nervous system that the world can be different than it once was.
Building Your Micro-Recovery Plan
When you’re overwhelmed, grandiose healing plans feel impossible. Instead, focus on micro-interventions:
Daily Non-Negotiables (Choose 1-2)
One minute of conscious breathing
One text to a supportive person
One tiny act of self-care
One moment of moving your body
One instance of challenging a negative thought
Weekly Anchor Points
One activity that connects you to your values
One practice that helps you feel grounded
One step toward longer-term healing (therapy, support group, etc.)
Emergency Toolkit
Keep a note on your phone with:
Three people you can contact
Two grounding techniques that work for you
One phrase that reminds you this is temporary
Your personal evidence that you’ve survived hard things before
The Neuroscience of Hope
Here’s something your hyperaroused nervous system doesn’t want you to know: neuroplasticity means your brain can change throughout your entire life. The neural pathways carved by trauma are real, but they’re not permanent. Every time you practice a new response, use a coping skill, or choose differently, you’re literally rewiring your brain.
Research shows that practices like mindfulness, cognitive reframing, and somatic interventions can actually change brain structure—strengthening areas associated with emotional regulation and weakening overactive fear centers (Davidson & Lutz, 2008; Hölzel et al., 2011).
Your hyperarousal is not evidence that you’re broken. It’s evidence that your nervous system is incredibly responsive—and that same responsiveness can work in your favor as you practice new patterns.
For the Moments When Hope Feels Impossible
If you’re reading this and thinking “This all sounds nice, but you don’t understand how bad it really is,” you’re right. I don’t understand your specific experience. But I understand this: you’re still here. You’re still seeking resources. You’re still trying.
In his darkest moments in the concentration camps, Frankl would visualize himself giving lectures about the psychological insights he was gaining from his suffering. He found meaning by imagining how his current pain might serve future healing—both his own and others’.
What if your current struggle is gathering data for your future self? What if your hyperarousal is teaching you something about resilience that you’ll later use to help others? What if this moment of feeling powerless is actually the beginning of you reclaiming your power?
The Practice of Radical Self-Compassion
One final tool: when hyperarousal hits, instead of judging yourself for being activated, try offering yourself the same compassion you’d give a frightened child or wounded animal. Your nervous system is not your enemy—it’s trying to protect you the only way it knows how.
“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of the human experience. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I find the strength to take one small step toward safety.”
Your Next Right Thing
You don’t need to heal completely right now. You don’t need to believe in your recovery. You don’t even need to feel hopeful. You just need to take your next right thing.
Maybe that’s trying one breathing technique. Maybe it’s reaching out to a therapist. Maybe it’s simply deciding to read this again tomorrow. Maybe it’s choosing to stay.
Your trauma history is part of your story, but it’s not the end of your story. Your hyperarousal is real, but it’s not permanent. Your sense of powerlessness is understandable, but it’s not accurate.
In this moment, you have the power to choose your next breath. That’s where freedom begins.
Frankl, V. E. (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.
Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press.
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. Guilford Press.
Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond. Guilford Press.
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Davidson, R. J., & Lutz, A. (2008). Buddha’s brain: Neuroplasticity and meditation. IEEE Signal Processing Magazine, 25(6), 176-188.
Hölzel, B. K., Carmody, J., Vangel, M., Congleton, C., Yerramsetti, S. M., Gard, T., & Lazar, S. W. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), 36-43.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
If you’re in crisis, please reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) or your local emergency services. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
From Victim to Owner: The Psychology of Personal Responsibility and Agency
How Our Cognitive Choices Shape Our Reality and Outcomes
Bottom Line Up Front
Every moment of our lives, we face a fundamental choice: to approach our circumstances as a victim of forces beyond our control, or to view them as an owner who takes responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This choice determines not only our immediate state of being but our long-term trajectory toward either empowerment or helplessness. While we cannot control everything that happens to us, we always retain the power to control our response, and this response shapes our reality more than we often realize.
Understanding the Victim vs. Owner Mindset
The distinction between victim and owner mindsets represents one of the most profound choices we make as human beings. Research in psychology demonstrates that victim mentality is “a psychological concept referring to a mindset in which a person, or group of people, tends to recognize or consider themselves a victim of the actions of others,” often involving “blaming one’s misfortunes on somebody else’s misdeeds” (Wikipedia, 2025). In contrast, an ownership mindset embraces personal agency—what researchers define as “a mindset plus a set of learnable actions that help us attain what we want in life” (Bateman, 2022).
This fundamental choice occurs through our cognitive processes: how we think, how we feel, and how we act. Each of these domains offers us the opportunity to move toward either victimhood or ownership, creating a cascading effect that shapes our entire experience of life.
The Cognitive Framework: Think, Feel, Act
THINK: The Power of Mental Ownership
Our cognitive patterns form the foundation of either a victim or an owner mentality. Cognitive behavioral therapy research demonstrates that “thoughts, feelings and behaviours combine to influence a person’s quality of life” and that “thinking negatively is a habit that, like any other habit, can be broken” (StatPearls, 2024).
Owner Thinking Patterns:
Hope and Trust: Believing in positive possibilities and the reliability of effort
Personal Meaning: Creating purpose from experiences, both positive and negative
Growth Mindset: Embracing the belief that abilities can be strengthened through learning (Bateman, 2022)
Present-Moment Awareness: Focusing on what can be controlled now
Victim Thinking Patterns:
Fear and Defensiveness: Expecting threats and preparing for failure
Blame and Denial: Attributing problems to external forces while denying personal contribution
Fixed Mindset: Believing that abilities and circumstances are unchangeable
Catastrophic Thinking: Making “bad events seem even worse and impossible to fix” (Psychologs, 2024)
FEEL: Emotional Agency vs. Emotional Reactivity
Our emotional responses reflect our chosen mindset and, in turn, reinforce it. The “sense of agency” refers to “the feeling of control over actions and their consequences” (Moore, 2016), which extends to our emotional experiences.
Owner Emotional Patterns:
Faith and Power: Confidence in one’s ability to influence outcomes
Virtue and Energy: Drawing strength from values and purpose
Emotional Regulation: Managing emotions as information rather than commands
Victim Emotional Patterns:
Apathy and Weakness: Feeling powerless to change circumstances
Depression and Despair: Experiencing “a pervasive sense of helplessness, passivity, loss of control, pessimism, negative thinking, strong feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame, and depression” (Wikipedia, 2025)
Emotional Reactivity: Being controlled by emotions rather than choosing responses
ACT: Behavior as the Expression of Choice
Our actions ultimately reveal whether we’re operating from victim or owner consciousness. Research on human agency shows that “people act as agents who intentionally regulate their behavior and life circumstances. They are self-organizing, proactive, self-regulating, and self-reflecting” (Pattison Professional Counseling, 2021).
Owner Action Patterns:
Charity and Peace: Acting from love and service to others
Proactive Behavior: Taking “deliberate and effective” action to “change events or their environment” (16Personalities, 2022)
Responsibility: Focusing on response-ability rather than blame
Victim Action Patterns:
Anger and Resentment: Reacting with hostility and bitterness
Self-Destructive Patterns: Engaging in behaviors that perpetuate problems
Reactive Behavior: Responding automatically to circumstances rather than choosing responses
The Science Behind the Choice
Psychological Foundations
Martin Seligman’s groundbreaking research on learned helplessness and learned optimism demonstrates that “people can learn to develop a more optimistic perspective” through “resilience training” (Simply Psychology, 2024; Positive Psychology, 2019). This research reveals that victimhood and ownership are not fixed personality traits but learned patterns that can be changed.
Learned optimism involves “consciously challenging any negative self-talk” and learning to respond to adversity by “thinking about their reactions to adversity in a new way” (Wikipedia, 2025). The process follows an ABCDE model:
Adversity: What happened?
Belief: How do I interpret it?
Consequence: What feelings and actions result?
Disputation: Can I challenge negative interpretations?
Energization: What positive outcomes can I create?
Sociological Perspectives
Sociologically, agency refers to “the capacity of individuals to act independently and make choices that shape their lives and the social structures around them,” emphasizing that “individuals are not merely passive recipients of societal influences… but are active participants who can exercise their will, make decisions, and initiate actions” (Encyclopedia MDPI, 2024).
This sociological understanding reveals that our choice between victim and owner mindsets affects not only our personal experience but also our contribution to the communities and systems around us.
Philosophical Foundations
Philosophically, human agency “entitles the observer to ask should this have occurred? in a way that would be nonsensical in circumstances lacking human decision-makers” (Wikipedia, 2025). This highlights the fundamental responsibility that comes with human consciousness—we are meaning-making beings who must choose how to interpret and respond to our experiences.
Moral responsibility involves “attributing certain powers and capacities to that person, and viewing their behavior as arising, in the right way, from the fact that the person has, and has exercised, these powers and capacities” (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, 2023).
The Path Forward: From Victim to Owner
Practical Strategies for Cognitive Ownership
Awareness Practice: Begin noticing automatic thoughts and questioning their accuracy
Reframing Exercises: Practice “finding ways to change negative emotions, thoughts, and habits” by shifting perspective and adopting “positive thought patterns and behaviors” (Cleveland Clinic, 2020)
Values Clarification: Identify core values and align actions with these principles
Growth Mindset Development: Embrace challenges as opportunities for learning and development
Building Emotional Agency
Emotional Awareness: Recognize emotions as information rather than commands
Response vs. Reaction: Create space between stimulus and response
Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness while maintaining accountability
Stress Management: Develop healthy coping mechanisms for challenging situations
Taking Ownership Through Action
Personal Responsibility: Exercise the “four helpers” of agency: “Intentionality, Forethought, Self-reflection, and Self-regulation” (Pattison Professional Counseling, 2021)
Goal Setting: Create clear, actionable objectives aligned with values
Skill Development: Continuously expand capabilities and competencies
Service Orientation: Focus on contributing to others’ well-being
The Transformational Impact
Individual Benefits
Research consistently shows that ownership mindsets lead to:
Better Mental Health: Reduced depression and anxiety through learned optimism practices (Simply Psychology, 2024)
Improved Performance: Enhanced “job performance, careers, and even efforts to adapt to and reduce the rate and magnitude of climate change” (Bateman, 2022)
Greater Resilience: Increased ability to bounce back from setbacks
Enhanced Relationships: More authentic and fulfilling connections with others
Societal Benefits
When individuals embrace ownership, the ripple effects benefit entire communities:
Collective Agency: Contributing to “situations in which individuals pool their knowledge, skills, and resources, and act in concert to shape their future” (Encyclopedia MDPI, 2024)
Social Responsibility: Creating positive change in communities and institutions
Cultural Transformation: Modeling empowerment for others to follow
Conclusion: The Daily Choice
Every day, in countless moments, we face the fundamental choice between victim and owner consciousness. This choice occurs in the realm of our thoughts, emotions, and actions. While we cannot control every circumstance we encounter, we always retain the power to control our response, and this response shapes our reality more profoundly than we often realize.
The journey from victim to owner is not about denying legitimate pain or trauma, nor is it about toxic positivity that ignores real challenges. Instead, it’s about recognizing our inherent power to choose our stance toward life’s circumstances. It’s about embracing what Viktor Frankl called our “last freedom”—the freedom to choose our attitude in any given circumstances.
As we cultivate this ownership mindset through our thoughts, feelings, and actions, we not only transform our own experience but also contribute to a more empowered and responsible world. The choice is always ours, and the choice is always now.
Why Self-Compassion is the Healthier Path to Self-Worth
The American Dream of Feeling Special Has Become a Nightmare of Comparison
We live in a culture obsessed with being exceptional. From the participation trophies of our youth to the carefully curated highlight reels of social media, Americans have been told for decades that feeling good about ourselves requires being better than others. This isn’t an accident—it’s the direct result of what researchers now call “the self-esteem movement,” a uniquely American construct that has fundamentally misunderstood what it means to have healthy self-regard.
As someone who has spent years studying human psychology and wellness, I’ve witnessed firsthand how this pursuit of high self-esteem has created more problems than it has solved. The good news? There’s a better way forward, one rooted in ancient wisdom but validated by modern science: self-compassion.
The Rise and Fall of the Self-Esteem Movement
To understand why self-esteem became so central to American psychology, we need to go back to its origins. The identification of self-esteem as a distinct psychological construct has its origins in the work of philosopher and psychologist William James, published in 1890 (Neff, 2011). However, it wasn’t until the late 20th century that self-esteem became a cultural obsession.
The pivotal event was California legislator John Vasconcellos (Democrat) steering a bill through the legislature and securing the Republican governor’s signature to establish a California Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility or the “Self-esteem Commission” in 1986 (Cuban, 2019). In his vision, self-esteem was the key to problems such as violence, crime, alcohol and drug abuse, welfare dependency, teenage pregnancy, academic failure, recidivism, and child and spousal abuse (Pacific Research Institute, 2022).
This well-intentioned movement promised that if we could just make people feel better about themselves, we could solve society’s problems. “Toward a State of Esteem” became the best-selling state document of all time, at 60,000 copies. More than 40 of California’s 58 counties formed self-esteem task forces (Pacific Research Institute, 2022).
But here’s what happened instead: we created a generation that confuses feeling special with being valuable, that mistakes external validation for internal worth, and that crumbles when reality doesn’t match their inflated self-image.
The Dark Side of the Self-Esteem Obsession
Research has revealed the troubling consequences of pursuing high self-esteem. Later research indicated that inflating students’ self-esteem has no positive effect on grades, and one study even showed that inflating self-esteem by itself can actually decrease grades (New World Encyclopedia, n.d.). Even more concerning, self-esteem (but not self-compassion) was positively associated with narcissism (Wikipedia, 2024).
The fundamental problem with self-esteem as typically pursued is that it requires us to feel special and above average. This creates what psychologists call “contingent self-worth”—our value depends on our performance, appearance, or social approval. We feel good about ourselves when we succeed, we feel bad about ourselves when we fail… So you might say self-esteem is a fair-weather friend (Mount Sinai, n.d.).
This contingent nature of self-esteem drives several destructive behaviors:
Social Comparison: To maintain high self-esteem, we must constantly measure ourselves against others, creating jealousy, competition, and disconnection.
Defensive Aggression: When our inflated self-image is threatened, we often lash out rather than reflect.
Avoidance of Challenge: To protect our self-esteem, we may avoid situations where we might fail or look bad.
External Validation Addiction: We become dependent on others’ approval to feel okay about ourselves.
As clinical psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff observes, the biggest problem with self-esteem is that it tends to be contingent. In other words, we only feel good about ourselves when we succeed or when we look the way we want to look or when people like us, but you know, what happens when things don’t go our way? (No Small Endeavor, n.d.).
Self-Compassion: The Unconditional Alternative
Self-compassion offers a radically different approach to self-regard—one that doesn’t require us to be perfect, special, or better than others. Self-compassion entails three main components: (a) self-kindness—being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical, (b) common humanity—perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as separating and isolating, and (c) mindfulness—holding painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them (Neff, 2003).
Self-Kindness: Treating Yourself as You Would a Friend
The first component involves extending the same warmth and understanding to ourselves that we would naturally offer a good friend facing difficulties. In short, showing self-kindness means treating our worth as unconditional even when we fall short of our own expectations (Positive Psychology, 2019).
Most of us have a harsh inner critic that says things we would never say to someone we care about. Self-kindness means speaking to ourselves with the same gentleness we would use with a child who has made a mistake.
Common Humanity: You’re Not Alone in This
Perhaps the most revolutionary aspect of self-compassion is its recognition that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of the shared human experience. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone (UNC, n.d.).
This stands in stark contrast to the self-esteem movement’s emphasis on being special or above average. Self-compassion says: “You don’t need to be perfect or extraordinary to be worthy of love and respect. You’re valuable simply because you’re human.”
Mindfulness: Seeing Clearly Without Judgment
The third component involves observing our thoughts and emotions with balanced awareness—neither suppressing them nor being overwhelmed by them. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them (UNC, n.d.).
This mindful awareness allows us to acknowledge our pain without being consumed by it, creating space for healing and growth.
The Science of Self-Compassion
The research on self-compassion is compelling. Self-compassion offers the benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls. So it’s associated with strong mental health but it’s not associated with narcissism or constant social comparison or ego defensive aggression (Singjupost, 2023).
Studies have consistently shown that self-compassion provides:
Greater emotional resilience and stability than self-esteem
Less narcissism and ego-defensiveness
More stable feelings of self-worth that don’t fluctuate based on external circumstances
Stronger motivation for personal growth and learning
Better relationships and social connectedness
In general, the research suggests that self-compassion offers most of the benefits of high self-esteem, with fewer downsides (PMC, n.d.). Research is presented which shows that self-compassion provides greater emotional resilience and stability than self-esteem, but involves less self-evaluation, ego-defensiveness, and self-enhancement than self-esteem (ResearchGate, 2011).
Worth as Inherent, Not Earned
One of the most liberating aspects of self-compassion is its recognition that human worth is inherent, not earned. Self-worth refers to the inherent value and dignity one holds for themselves, independent of external achievements or validation. It involves recognizing one’s worthiness of love, respect, and happiness, regardless of circumstances or opinions from others (Positive Psychology, 2018).
This understanding stands in direct opposition to the American cultural narrative that says we must achieve, accumulate, or accomplish something to be valuable. Self-compassion recognizes that our worth comes from our shared humanity, not our performance.
With self-compassion we don’t need to be perfect or better than anyone else to feel good about ourselves, we just need to be a flawed human being like everyone else (self-compassion.org, 2011). This recognition frees us from the exhausting treadmill of trying to maintain an image of specialness and allows us to focus on growth, connection, and contribution.
The Path Forward: Acceptance, Understanding, and Self-Love
Moving from a self-esteem mindset to a self-compassion approach requires three fundamental shifts:
1. From Judgment to Acceptance
Instead of constantly evaluating ourselves as good or bad, successful or unsuccessful, we learn to accept ourselves as works in progress. This doesn’t mean becoming complacent; it means creating a foundation of unconditional worth from which we can grow.
2. From Isolation to Understanding
Rather than seeing our struggles as evidence that something is wrong with us, we recognize them as part of the human experience. This shift from “Why me?” to “This is part of life” transforms our relationship with difficulty.
3. From Criticism to Love
We replace the harsh inner critic with a kind inner friend—someone who supports us through challenges and celebrates our efforts, not just our outcomes.
The Ripple Effects of Self-Compassion
When we cultivate self-compassion, the benefits extend far beyond our own well-being:
Better Relationships: Research shows that self-compassionate people are more giving and supportive to others in relationships (self-compassion.org, 2011). When we’re not constantly defending our ego or seeking validation, we can show up more fully for others.
Enhanced Growth: Self-compassionate individuals do not berate themselves when they fail, they are more able to admit mistakes, modify unproductive behaviors and take on new challenges (PMC, n.d.). This creates a mindset of continuous learning rather than self-protection.
Greater Purpose and Meaning: When our worth isn’t contingent on external achievements, we’re free to pursue what truly matters to us rather than what we think will make us look good.
Improved Resilience: Self-compassion provides a much more stable sense of self-worth than self-esteem does, because it’s there for you precisely when you fail (Singjupost, 2023).
Conclusion: A New American Dream
It’s time to let go of the American obsession with being special and embrace something far more powerful: being human. The self-esteem movement promised that feeling good about ourselves would solve our problems, but it actually created new ones by tying our worth to external validation and comparative superiority.
Self-compassion offers a different path—one that recognizes our inherent worth as human beings while providing the emotional stability and motivation we need to grow, contribute, and thrive. It doesn’t promise that we’ll never fail or feel pain, but it guarantees that we’ll never face these challenges alone.
The journey from self-esteem to self-compassion isn’t just a personal transformation; it’s a cultural shift toward a more connected, resilient, and genuinely fulfilling way of being human. In a world that constantly tells us we’re not enough, self-compassion whispers the truth: you already are.
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
Balance Your Health 