addiction recovery
Inner Voice II
Part II of a series on Empowering Language Patterns:
Get rid of the word “BUT”
But….used in the most common way, negates the positive that came before!! (Thank you for getting the groceries, but you forgot the milk.) It stops the brain then restarts the new statement leaving the prior portion of the message unheard – alone (in the dust)….the brain moves on to what follows the but. So, only use but to turn a negative into the positive (I know you wrecked the car but at least you did not get injured).
You can substitute the word “and” & “however” for but and it minimizes the damage caused by the negation (I went shopping at the health food store and on the way home I ate a Big Mac.). Think of how that sentence would feel with the word but instead of and. This helps us be more positive, resourceful and more motivated. An example would be (You did better on your grades this semester however there is room for improvement in math). You did “x” for me and you forgot “y” (keeps the sentence continuous and the full message unit stays intact. The word but turns it into a more negative message unit going to your subconscious since the part after but is what is encoded).
Speaking this way with ourselves is kinder and gentler and it lays the foundation to speak the same with others.
A way to even enhance this speech pattern change is using the sandwich effect. This is sandwiching any negative or paternal statement in between two positives (Positive/Negative(Correction)/Positive). It helps us abstain from the defensiveness and packages the negatives with a positive feeling. This pattern would go something like this (It was great I did Yoga this morning, however I need to do it several times a week. Since in the past I practiced Yoga on a daily basis with such great results that means I can do it again starting with that class today.).
Empowering language patterns for ourselves and others;-)
Change Your Inner Voice
Part I of a series on Empowering Language Patterns:
We need to look at ourselves more as the adult children we are and start paying attention to how we parent ourselves. The way we word our “inner voice” and the tone we use in this self talk will determine whether or not we listen to ourselves and do what we ask ourselves to do. Certain words build and add resources and others burn resources.
A lot of times we think through the “why” we do things or why we don’t do things … Stop using the word why !!!! When we ask ourselves why? It makes us feel like we are judging ourselves and you will usually feel defensive or rebellious….we revert to justification or excuse stories with ourselves!! It doesn’t empower us (it allows us to make excuses). Our brain like the computer it is, starts looking for answer’s the moment we pose a question. When we assign our brain to find information that it can’t, it continues to sort and look for data that it never truely will. Since “why” questions rarely have clear and concise answers our brain burns wasted energy and uses valuable resources looking for information that will never quite fulfill the need for certainty that our pondering’s wished for.
So get rid of the word “why?” Substitute the word “How” or the question “For what reason” instead – “How is it that you’re not getting up and working out in the morning?” How are you continuing to do this same destructive pattern. Be genuine with ourselves as we seek to understand the details….How are you doing or not doing something (verses defensiveness which is not resourceful) , it puts us in the offensiveness to discover the real underlying reasons.
For what reason is it that I stay in the bed and not get up? For what reason do I not meditate?, this will bring out or help you discover your true intent and “what stops you”. It takes skill to not do things. To change strategies we need to see our current ones clearly. As we master our “Inner Voice” our “Outer Voice” will follow.
Values & Virtues
Virtue based ethics can be interpreted many ways since there is such a variation of moral beliefs and various definitions of what is virtuous. For the most part virtue ethics has advantages since there is many universal virtues or much common ground when it comes to what is ethical. The biggest disadvantage is that there are differences among cultures, times in history, and even in between groups, organizations, tribes, and families in certain types of virtue based beliefs. I believe Kant’s duty-based theory overlaps and is very easily integrated with virtue ethics since most duties are virtue based. As I explore more about virtue based ethics and Kant’s theories in this blog I will expound on how these two belief systems could be merged.
It is pretty easy to explore virtue ethics from a deontological and a consequentialist viewpoint. Under deontology it is simple to see virtues as rules of what is right and wrong and that an individual has a duty to honor such virtues for personal peace and to serve a greater good. Through the viewpoint of consequentialism it also seems clear that the majority of results or consequences that are good or virtuous can only come through actions that are also virtuous, good, or right.
Based on Kant’s Doctrine of Virtue and his duty-based theory a person can only be truly happy and have their life flourish if they are living in accordance to their virtues and duty to honor and respect themselves and others. Where so many people have a commonality among their beliefs of what are acceptable or even expected norms as far as what are virtuous beliefs, intentions, and actions/behaviors it seems that the world would be far more peaceful if everyone lived up to this duty to honor self and others. This level of commitment to others would even go farther if everyone also honored the universe in a similar fashion. By universe I mean animals, nature, mother nature, the earth, places, things, cultures, etc., etc..
As stated above I believe Immanuel Kant’s duty-based theory fits hand in glove with virtue based ethics since the responsibility to honor or serve something greater than yourself comes as part of virtue or values based belief system. Both Plato and Aristotle spoke and taught of virtue based beliefs being a motivation for much of what a person thought, said, and did. So many Eastern based philosophies are based on doing what is good for self and others because it is the only way one can have peace and happiness. Many spiritual and religious beliefs are based on doing unto others as you would want done unto yourself. In most cultures common virtues such as generosity, loyalty, honesty, and courage are aspired to.
Approaching life with a goal to live a more virtue centered life may at times have the dilemma of potential ethnocentrism, where we judge others as we judge ourselves, wanting us all to fit perceived norms and expectations. It would seem one of the most important parts of virtue ethics and duty-based living is to value openness and forgiveness with ourselves and others and let go of those rigid expectations. We will never have the peace, joy, and love in our life we often seek if we cannot be satisfied enough to be happy, while still remaining unsatisfied enough to continue growth. Self-acceptance, and the acceptance of others “as they are” may be the highest virtue of all.
Attachment Style
Why do Attachment Styles affect our relationships?
Experience with early caregivers forms a working model, or RELATIONSHIP SCHEMA that impacts later relationships.
Secure Working Model
- Others are dependable, trustworthy, and supportive (benefit of the doubt).
- I am worthy of other people’s support and love.
62% are SECURELY ATTACHED:
As a Child
- Mother as a safe base.
- Upset when she leaves.
- Go to her lovingly when she returns.
As an Adult
I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.
Insecure Working Model
- Others are expected to be undependable, untrustworthy, and UN-supportive.
- I am unworthy of other people’s support and love.
23% are AVOIDANT:
As a Child
- Initially do not seek proximity to the mother.
- Very little distress upon separation.
- Avoid/ignore her when she returns.
As an Adult
I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.
15% are RESISTANT (AMBIVALENT):
As a Child
- Preoccupied with mother (Clingy).
- Great distress when the mother leaves
- Simultaneously seek close contact but also hit and kick (punishment).
As an Adult
I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.
HMMM? Something to think about.
Awareness provides fertile ground for Transformation!
Care Giving
Care-taking VS Care-giving. There are crucial differences between care-taking and care-giving and you will notice: the healthier and happier your relationship, the more you are care-giving rather than care-taking.
Care-taking and care-giving can be seen as a continuum. We usually aren’t doing both at the same time. The goal is to do as much care-giving as possible and to decrease care-taking. Care-taking is a dysfunctional, learned behavior that can be changed. We want to change so we can experience more peace, contentment, and better relationships. Intimates in your life may resist your healthier actions, but shifting to care-giving is a huge gift you are bestowing upon your loved ones. (Even when they do not see it at first)
The first step is identify loved ones that are care-taking you. (anyone in your life that you have given permission to watch over (Judge your decisions and or problems) Do you ask for opinions or advise in unhealthy ways? Do you ask or expect others to help carry your burdens, consciously or sub-consciously? Do you consistently go to the same people for help or support in a way that has allowed them to think you NEED them?. Are you giving them some control of your decisions or at least creating a dynamic of needing their wisdom instead of your own?
After you identify who is care-taking you, then ask yourself what role you play to keep that dynamic going. Care-taking is a hallmark of codependency and is rooted in insecurity and a need to be in control, or give up some responsibility or control to another.
Care-giving is an expression of kindness and love, and is based on altruistic empathy with no expectation or ego based attachment to outcome. When we truly allow autonomy the other persons success or failure is their own and should have no effect on how we feel about the help, support, and love we gave or attempted to give.
Here are some key differences between care-taking and care-giving:
- Care-taking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating. Care-giving feels right and feels like love. It re-energizes and inspires you.
- Care-taking crosses boundaries. Care-giving honors them.
- Care-taking takes from the recipient or gives with strings attached; care-giving gives freely.
- Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
- Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
- Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
- Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for their selves.
- Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for their selves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner wisdom and problem solving capabilities.
- Care-taking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker. Care-giving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
- Caretakers tend to attract needy people. Caregivers tend to attract healthy people. (Hint: We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).
- Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
- Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”
- Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
- Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their care-taking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
- Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.
As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step. Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum. It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation.
Remove yourself from being taken care of in kind ways, and learn to accept care-giving instead. (This may be from new intimates or from shifting existing relationships)
Become a Caregiver yourself. Give freely non-attached to outcome. Guide don’t direct, and ask questions to help others discover their inner wisdom instead of assuming they need your profound wisdom.
Traveling from co-dependency to in-dependency and then hopefully to interdependency in our relationships is difficult but not impossible. We all are entangled and connected. We all need to support and love and be supported and loved as we move through challenges and seasons in our lives.
Happy Care-giving;-) !!!!
Free Agency
I believe the determinist view that desires are the cause of all actions we take, is not a truly accurate viewpoint of what determines either deliberate or unintentional actions. I do think that many behaviors are determined by our thinking and motivated by feelings that those thoughts bring about. The problem with determinism alone as the explanation of all action is that our intentions versus behavior are a far more complicated than just desires alone. Determinism alone does not explain the full complicated process of human behavior.
The duality of man is maybe more than a struggle in between just two parts of the individual. I can see how at times the heart, mind, body, and spirit all have different agendas and that a person’s actions both individually and in pattern are not just a result of this struggle but of even many more additional forces. The additional impact of the past through memories and prior experience can effect greatly how one interprets the present and perceives the future and that can cause someone to act in ways in-congruent with who they are and what they want. The pressure put on individuals by significant others, groups, and society also effect greatly a person’s actions and behaviors. Does a person truly have autonomy and freedom to do as they want, I don’t think fully, due to all of these contributing factors. But all actions are not determined.
Freedom over automatic subconscious actions comes through awareness. The more one works to bring the heart, mind, body, and spirit into a harmonious and symbiotic relationship the more a person can learn to act consciously and have their intentions and actions aligned. Emotions do carry all of the energy used to motivate actions but those energies can be rerouted to meet objectives and higher motives than just desires. The context in which one acts certain ways can be changed to be integral with behaviors that have a higher purpose. Integrity means to come together and honor all of you. When this is done the freedom of more conscious choices increases. The opposite is also true when people give into base desires or addictive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, freedom is diminished.
The interpretation of memories and experiences that drive autonomic reactions when we perceive similar situations can drive behavior before thought. Man can also choose to relearn or put into new contexts those same prior experiences and change their interpretations of the past. In this way a person can change the meaning of their past learning’s and take back the power of conscious choice. As context and meaning changes so will the actions and behaviors. When we are open to change we can learn to live more as we intend to, instead of deliberate or unintentional actions that really are not congruent with the intentions of our hearts.
People can also learn to walk a path that is true to their own self instead of trying so much to please others, fit in to a group, or societal norms.
When you break free of expectations I believe you are also free to be as you want to be and do what you truly want to do. Re-framing beliefs, waking up and being aware more of the time, and being true to ourselves before others will bring more freedom. Determinism does not take into account so much of what causes or influences behavior and even though we go on auto pilot too often, we can have more and more freedom than we think we can, and we deserve it.
Zion Healing Grounds
Greatness
Feelings Clarify
Balance Your Health 