Inner Journey to Wellness

June 29, 2025

The Science Behind Hydrogen Water: How Magnesium Tablets Create Therapeutic Benefits

Understanding the molecular mechanisms and evidence-based health effects of hydrogen-enriched water

Introduction

Hydrogen water has emerged as one of the most promising therapeutic beverages of the modern wellness era. What was once considered an inert gas with no biological function has now been scientifically proven to be a powerful therapeutic agent. If you’ve been experiencing increased energy and mental clarity from drinking hydrogen water made with magnesium tablets, you’re not imagining things—there’s solid science behind these benefits.

Bottom Line Up Front: Hydrogen water works through sophisticated molecular mechanisms that provide selective antioxidant protection, reduce inflammation, and enhance cellular energy production. The magnesium tablets you’re using create this therapeutic hydrogen through a simple but elegant chemical reaction that has been validated in over 2,000 scientific publications.

How Magnesium Tablets Generate Hydrogen Gas

The Chemical Reaction

When you drop a magnesium tablet into water, you’re witnessing a precisely engineered chemical reaction. The tablets contain elemental magnesium (typically 80 mg) which reacts with water to produce hydrogen gas and magnesium hydroxide according to the reaction: Mg + 2H2O → H2 (g) + Mg(OH)2.

The tablets also contain organic acids (malic acid from apples, tartaric acid from grapes, and adipic acid from sugar beets) which neutralize the magnesium hydroxide and catalyze the reaction rate. This careful formulation ensures optimal hydrogen production while maintaining safety and palatability.

Hydrogen Concentration and Dosing

Each tablet can produce approximately 5 mg of molecular hydrogen when dissolved in 500ml of water, creating a super-saturated concentration of approximately 5 mM (10 mg/L) initially, though this quickly decreases to standard saturation of 0.8 mM (1.6 mg/L) within 30 minutes.

Hydrogen can be dissolved in water up to 0.8 mM (1.6 mg/L) under atmospheric pressure at room temperature without changing pH, which explains why your hydrogen water doesn’t taste significantly different from regular water despite containing therapeutic levels of dissolved gas.

The Molecular Mechanisms: Why Hydrogen Water Works

Selective Antioxidant Properties

The breakthrough discovery that revolutionized hydrogen medicine came in 2007 when researchers published in Nature Medicine that hydrogen acts as a therapeutic antioxidant by selectively reducing cytotoxic oxygen radicals. This selectivity is crucial—unlike other antioxidants that can interfere with normal cellular signaling, hydrogen specifically targets only the most harmful free radicals.

Molecular hydrogen selectively scavenges the deleterious hydroxyl radical and peroxynitrite while preserving other important reactive oxygen and nitrogen species for normal signaling regulation. This means hydrogen provides antioxidant protection without disrupting the beneficial oxidative processes your cells need for proper function.

Cellular Penetration and Bioavailability

The hydrogen molecule is the smallest molecule that exists, and serves as a powerful antioxidant within the body. Due to its minuscule size, it crosses cellular barriers and absorbs easily throughout the body. This unique property allows hydrogen to reach cellular compartments that other antioxidants cannot access, including mitochondria and even the cell nucleus.

The antioxidant advantages of H2 gas include its high biomembrane penetration and intracellular diffusion capability which enable it to reach subcellular compartments like mitochondria. This explains why you might feel effects relatively quickly—the hydrogen is rapidly reaching the cellular sites where energy production occurs.

Evidence-Based Health Benefits

Energy and Cognitive Enhancement

The energy and clarity you’re experiencing have solid scientific backing. In exercise studies, hydrogen water significantly lowered heart rate compared to both baseline and placebo conditions, suggesting improved cardiovascular efficiency. Additionally, a 6-month study in older adults found that hydrogen water increased brain choline and NAA levels in frontal grey matter and improved brain creatine levels, indicating enhanced brain metabolism.

Athletic Performance and Recovery

A 2024 review of several studies found that hydrogen water showed promise in reducing fatigue and increasing endurance, with studies showing reduced muscle fatigue and improved cycling performance in trained athletes.

Metabolic Health Benefits

Multiple studies have shown hydrogen water can improve metabolic syndrome markers, with one 24-week trial showing significant improvements in cholesterol levels, antioxidant activity, and reduced inflammatory markers. Research has also demonstrated that hydrogen water can improve glucose metabolism and may help prevent type 2 diabetes development.

Anti-Aging and Cellular Protection

A randomized controlled trial found that hydrogen water consumption prevented apoptosis (programmed cell death) of peripheral blood cells in healthy adults and reduced inflammatory responses. Long-term studies have shown hydrogen water can extend telomere length by approximately 4% and improve DNA methylation patterns, both associated with slower aging.

Safety Profile and Dosing Guidelines

Exceptional Safety Record

Hydrogen water has been granted GRAS (Generally Recognized As Safe) status by the FDA, highlighting its high safety profile for consumption. In clinical trials involving 1,676 participants across 79 studies, only 9 potential adverse events were recorded in 7 participants, representing an adverse event rate of just 0.5%.

Hydrogen-rich water is mostly considered safe, with no to minimal side effects. The most commonly reported side effects are mild gastrointestinal symptoms in sensitive individuals, typically occurring only when first starting hydrogen water consumption.

Optimal Dosing

Studies have shown that consuming about 0.5 to 1.6 mg of H2 per day can provide significant benefits. The proposed therapeutic dose appears to be about 80 mL hydrogen gas (6.6 mg or 3.3 mmol) per day, with maximum effects occurring after administration for one month.

For practical application:

  • Beginner: 1 tablet per day (approximately 5 mg H2)
  • Active individuals: 2-3 tablets per day
  • Athletes: Up to 3-4 tablets per day during intense training

Mechanisms Beyond Antioxidant Activity

Gene Expression and Cellular Signaling

The comprehensive mechanisms of hydrogen extend beyond pure hydroxyl radical scavenging to include signaling pathway regulation by modulating various molecule expressions/activities, gene expression and microRNA. This helps explain the wide-ranging benefits people experience.

Molecular hydrogen induces the activation of CCL-2, leading to decreased levels of pro-inflammatory cytokines (TNFα, IL-6, IFN-γ) and inhibition of NF-κB pathways. These anti-inflammatory effects contribute to the overall sense of well-being many users report.

Mitochondrial Enhancement

Mitochondria are the major source of oxidative stress, and molecular hydrogen has been shown to be particularly effective at protecting mitochondrial function. Since mitochondria are the powerhouses of your cells, this protection directly translates to improved energy production and reduced fatigue.

Practical Considerations and Best Practices

Timing and Consumption

For best results, dissolve one tablet in 12-16 oz of room temperature water and drink immediately, ideally on an empty stomach. The hydrogen concentration is highest immediately after dissolution and decreases over time, so prompt consumption maximizes benefits.

Quality and Storage

Experts suggest purchasing products in non-permeable containers and drinking the water quickly to obtain maximum benefits, as hydrogen can escape from plastic or glass containers. This is why tablet-generated hydrogen water often provides more reliable concentrations than pre-bottled options.

The Science Continues to Evolve

A simple search of “hydrogen gas” in medical databases yields more than 2,000 publications related to hydrogen gas as a potential therapeutic substance. Since the landmark 2007 publication in Nature Medicine, research on molecular hydrogen medicine has blossomed worldwide.

Current research is exploring applications in cardiovascular disease, cancer therapy, neurodegenerative diseases, and metabolic disorders. Over the past two decades, numerous biomedical reports have revealed therapeutic benefits of molecular hydrogen in relieving oxidation-related diseases, with demonstrated anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, anti-cancer, anti-stress, and anti-apoptotic effects.

Conclusion

Your experience with increased energy and mental clarity from hydrogen water is supported by a robust and growing body of scientific evidence. The magnesium tablets you’re using create molecular hydrogen through a well-understood chemical reaction that produces therapeutic concentrations of this remarkable molecule.

Key Takeaways:

  • Magnesium tablets generate hydrogen through a safe, efficient chemical reaction
  • Hydrogen provides selective antioxidant protection without interfering with normal cellular processes
  • Benefits include improved energy, cognitive function, athletic performance, and anti-aging effects
  • The safety profile is exceptional, with minimal reported side effects
  • Optimal dosing appears to be 0.5-1.6 mg of hydrogen daily for general health benefits

The science behind hydrogen water demonstrates that this isn’t just another wellness trend—it’s a legitimate therapeutic intervention supported by peer-reviewed research and an excellent safety profile. As research continues to evolve, we’re likely to discover even more applications for this simple yet powerful molecule.

References

This article synthesizes findings from peer-reviewed research published in leading medical journals including Nature Medicine, Scientific Reports, BMC Medicine, and others. Key studies referenced include clinical trials on metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular health, athletic performance, and anti-aging effects of molecular hydrogen therapy.

June 27, 2025

Finding Your Anchor

Finding Your Anchor: Reclaiming Power in the Storm of Hyperarousal

When trauma has hijacked your nervous system and hope feels like a foreign concept, how do you find solid ground? This is for anyone whose trauma history has left them feeling powerless in their own body, searching for tools to navigate hyperarousal and rediscover their inherent strength.

When Your Body Betrays Your Spirit

If you’re reading this while your heart races, your thoughts spiral, or your body feels like it’s vibrating with an energy you can’t control, you’re not broken. You’re experiencing hyperarousal—your nervous system’s attempt to protect you that has become stuck in overdrive. When trauma lives in our bodies, it can feel like we’re passengers in a runaway vehicle, watching our lives unfold without any sense of agency or hope.

But here’s what trauma wants you to forget: even in the most activated state, you still have choices. Micro-choices. Moment-by-moment decisions that can slowly shift the trajectory of your experience.

The Space Between Stimulus and Response

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and founder of logotherapy, discovered something profound in the concentration camps that speaks directly to this experience: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

When you’re hyperaroused, that space feels impossibly small—maybe just a microsecond. But it exists. Your trauma history may have taught your nervous system to react with lightning speed, but it cannot eliminate that fundamental human capacity for choice.

Right now, as you read this, you’re already exercising that choice. You chose to seek resources. You chose to keep looking for answers despite feeling hopeless. This is your first act of reclaiming power.

Grounding in the Present: DBT Skills for Hyperarousal

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers concrete tools specifically designed for moments when your emotional intensity feels unbearable. When hyperarousal hits, try these TIPP skills:

Temperature

Splash cold water on your face or hold ice cubes. This activates your dive response, literally slowing your heart rate within 15-30 seconds. Your nervous system cannot maintain hyperarousal when this physiological brake is applied.

Intense Exercise

Do jumping jacks, run in place, or do push-ups for 10 minutes. Match your body’s energy rather than fighting it. Sometimes we need to move through activation, not around it.

Paced Breathing

Exhale longer than you inhale. Try breathing in for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6. This stimulates your vagus nerve and signals safety to your nervous system.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Tense and release muscle groups systematically. When trauma makes us feel powerless, this reminds us we can still control something—our own muscle tension.

The Acceptance Paradox: ACT Principles

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us something counterintuitive: the struggle against our experience often amplifies our suffering. When you’re hyperaroused and fighting against it, you’re essentially having two problems—the activation itself, and the exhausting battle against it.

The Quicksand Metaphor

Imagine hyperarousal as quicksand. The more frantically you struggle, the deeper you sink. But if you can stop fighting and slowly, deliberately work with the medium you’re in, you can find your way to solid ground.

This doesn’t mean giving up or being passive. It means recognizing that your power lies not in controlling your nervous system’s responses, but in choosing how you relate to them.

Values as Your North Star

When everything feels chaotic, your values become your compass. Ask yourself: What matters to me beyond this moment of suffering? Maybe it’s connection, creativity, justice, or growth. Even tiny actions aligned with your values—sending a text to a friend, creating something small, standing up for yourself in a minor way—can restore a sense of meaning and agency.

Cognitive Reframing: Rewriting the Story

Your traumatized nervous system tells a very specific story: “You’re in danger. You’re powerless. This will never end.”Cognitive reframing isn’t about positive thinking—it’s about examining the evidence and expanding your perspective.

The Temporary Nature Reframe

“This feeling is permanent” becomes “This is my nervous system doing what it learned to do to survive. Hyperarousal has a beginning, middle, and end. I’ve survived 100% of my worst days so far.”

The Capability Reframe

“I can’t handle this” becomes “I’m handling this right now. I may not be handling it gracefully or comfortably, but I’m here, I’m breathing, and I’m seeking resources. That’s evidence of my resilience.”

The Learning Reframe

“My trauma ruined me” becomes “My trauma taught my nervous system to be hypervigilant in a world that felt dangerous. Now I’m learning to teach it new responses for a life I’m creating.”

Pattern Interrupts: Breaking the Hyperarousal Loop

When your nervous system is stuck in a loop, pattern interrupts can create the neurological “reset” you need:

The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique

  • 5 things you can see
  • 4 things you can touch
  • 3 things you can hear
  • 2 things you can smell
  • 1 thing you can taste

This forces your activated nervous system to engage with present-moment sensory data rather than trauma memories or catastrophic projections.

The Opposite Action

If hyperarousal makes you want to isolate, reach out to one person. If it makes you want to run, sit down and breathe. If it makes you want to clench, stretch and open. This isn’t about forcing yourself into positivity—it’s about providing new neurological input.

The Curiosity Flip

Instead of “Why is this happening to me again?” try “I wonder what my nervous system is trying to protect me from right now. What would it need to feel safer?” Curiosity activates different neural pathways than fear or frustration.

Frankl’s Ultimate Teaching: Finding Meaning in Suffering

Frankl discovered that even in the most extreme circumstances, people could endure unimaginable suffering if they could find meaning in it. He wrote: “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how.'”

Your hyperarousal, your trauma history, your current struggle—none of it is meaningless suffering. Your nervous system’s responses developed for reasons. They served you once. And now, your journey toward healing—even this moment of seeking resources while activated—can serve something larger.

Perhaps your healing contributes to breaking generational patterns. Perhaps your resilience inspires others who feel hopeless. Perhaps your willingness to keep trying in the face of trauma teaches your nervous system that the world can be different than it once was.

Building Your Micro-Recovery Plan

When you’re overwhelmed, grandiose healing plans feel impossible. Instead, focus on micro-interventions:

Daily Non-Negotiables (Choose 1-2)

  • One minute of conscious breathing
  • One text to a supportive person
  • One tiny act of self-care
  • One moment of moving your body
  • One instance of challenging a negative thought

Weekly Anchor Points

  • One activity that connects you to your values
  • One practice that helps you feel grounded
  • One step toward longer-term healing (therapy, support group, etc.)

Emergency Toolkit

Keep a note on your phone with:

  • Three people you can contact
  • Two grounding techniques that work for you
  • One phrase that reminds you this is temporary
  • Your personal evidence that you’ve survived hard things before

The Neuroscience of Hope

Here’s something your hyperaroused nervous system doesn’t want you to know: neuroplasticity means your brain can change throughout your entire life. The neural pathways carved by trauma are real, but they’re not permanent. Every time you practice a new response, use a coping skill, or choose differently, you’re literally rewiring your brain.

Research shows that practices like mindfulness, cognitive reframing, and somatic interventions can actually change brain structure—strengthening areas associated with emotional regulation and weakening overactive fear centers (Davidson & Lutz, 2008; Hölzel et al., 2011).

Your hyperarousal is not evidence that you’re broken. It’s evidence that your nervous system is incredibly responsive—and that same responsiveness can work in your favor as you practice new patterns.

For the Moments When Hope Feels Impossible

If you’re reading this and thinking “This all sounds nice, but you don’t understand how bad it really is,” you’re right. I don’t understand your specific experience. But I understand this: you’re still here. You’re still seeking resources. You’re still trying.

In his darkest moments in the concentration camps, Frankl would visualize himself giving lectures about the psychological insights he was gaining from his suffering. He found meaning by imagining how his current pain might serve future healing—both his own and others’.

What if your current struggle is gathering data for your future self? What if your hyperarousal is teaching you something about resilience that you’ll later use to help others? What if this moment of feeling powerless is actually the beginning of you reclaiming your power?

The Practice of Radical Self-Compassion

One final tool: when hyperarousal hits, instead of judging yourself for being activated, try offering yourself the same compassion you’d give a frightened child or wounded animal. Your nervous system is not your enemy—it’s trying to protect you the only way it knows how.

“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of the human experience. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I find the strength to take one small step toward safety.”

Your Next Right Thing

You don’t need to heal completely right now. You don’t need to believe in your recovery. You don’t even need to feel hopeful. You just need to take your next right thing.

Maybe that’s trying one breathing technique. Maybe it’s reaching out to a therapist. Maybe it’s simply deciding to read this again tomorrow. Maybe it’s choosing to stay.

Your trauma history is part of your story, but it’s not the end of your story. Your hyperarousal is real, but it’s not permanent. Your sense of powerlessness is understandable, but it’s not accurate.

In this moment, you have the power to choose your next breath. That’s where freedom begins.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Frankl, V. E. (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press.

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. Guilford Press.

Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond. Guilford Press.

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Davidson, R. J., & Lutz, A. (2008). Buddha’s brain: Neuroplasticity and meditation. IEEE Signal Processing Magazine, 25(6), 176-188.

Hölzel, B. K., Carmody, J., Vangel, M., Congleton, C., Yerramsetti, S. M., Gard, T., & Lazar, S. W. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), 36-43.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.

If you’re in crisis, please reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) or your local emergency services. You don’t have to navigate this alone.

June 23, 2025

From Victim to Owner

From Victim to Owner: The Psychology of Personal Responsibility and Agency

How Our Cognitive Choices Shape Our Reality and Outcomes

Bottom Line Up Front

Every moment of our lives, we face a fundamental choice: to approach our circumstances as a victim of forces beyond our control, or to view them as an owner who takes responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This choice determines not only our immediate state of being but our long-term trajectory toward either empowerment or helplessness. While we cannot control everything that happens to us, we always retain the power to control our response, and this response shapes our reality more than we often realize.

Understanding the Victim vs. Owner Mindset

The distinction between victim and owner mindsets represents one of the most profound choices we make as human beings. Research in psychology demonstrates that victim mentality is “a psychological concept referring to a mindset in which a person, or group of people, tends to recognize or consider themselves a victim of the actions of others,” often involving “blaming one’s misfortunes on somebody else’s misdeeds” (Wikipedia, 2025). In contrast, an ownership mindset embraces personal agency—what researchers define as “a mindset plus a set of learnable actions that help us attain what we want in life” (Bateman, 2022).

This fundamental choice occurs through our cognitive processes: how we think, how we feel, and how we act. Each of these domains offers us the opportunity to move toward either victimhood or ownership, creating a cascading effect that shapes our entire experience of life.

The Cognitive Framework: Think, Feel, Act

THINK: The Power of Mental Ownership

Our cognitive patterns form the foundation of either a victim or an owner mentality. Cognitive behavioral therapy research demonstrates that “thoughts, feelings and behaviours combine to influence a person’s quality of life” and that “thinking negatively is a habit that, like any other habit, can be broken” (StatPearls, 2024).

Owner Thinking Patterns:

  • Hope and Trust: Believing in positive possibilities and the reliability of effort
  • Personal Meaning: Creating purpose from experiences, both positive and negative
  • Growth Mindset: Embracing the belief that abilities can be strengthened through learning (Bateman, 2022)
  • Present-Moment Awareness: Focusing on what can be controlled now

Victim Thinking Patterns:

  • Fear and Defensiveness: Expecting threats and preparing for failure
  • Blame and Denial: Attributing problems to external forces while denying personal contribution
  • Fixed Mindset: Believing that abilities and circumstances are unchangeable
  • Catastrophic Thinking: Making “bad events seem even worse and impossible to fix” (Psychologs, 2024)

FEEL: Emotional Agency vs. Emotional Reactivity

Our emotional responses reflect our chosen mindset and, in turn, reinforce it. The “sense of agency” refers to “the feeling of control over actions and their consequences” (Moore, 2016), which extends to our emotional experiences.

Owner Emotional Patterns:

  • Faith and Power: Confidence in one’s ability to influence outcomes
  • Virtue and Energy: Drawing strength from values and purpose
  • Emotional Regulation: Managing emotions as information rather than commands

Victim Emotional Patterns:

  • Apathy and Weakness: Feeling powerless to change circumstances
  • Depression and Despair: Experiencing “a pervasive sense of helplessness, passivity, loss of control, pessimism, negative thinking, strong feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame, and depression” (Wikipedia, 2025)
  • Emotional Reactivity: Being controlled by emotions rather than choosing responses

ACT: Behavior as the Expression of Choice

Our actions ultimately reveal whether we’re operating from victim or owner consciousness. Research on human agency shows that “people act as agents who intentionally regulate their behavior and life circumstances. They are self-organizing, proactive, self-regulating, and self-reflecting” (Pattison Professional Counseling, 2021).

Owner Action Patterns:

  • Charity and Peace: Acting from love and service to others
  • Proactive Behavior: Taking “deliberate and effective” action to “change events or their environment” (16Personalities, 2022)
  • Responsibility: Focusing on response-ability rather than blame

Victim Action Patterns:

  • Anger and Resentment: Reacting with hostility and bitterness
  • Self-Destructive Patterns: Engaging in behaviors that perpetuate problems
  • Reactive Behavior: Responding automatically to circumstances rather than choosing responses

The Science Behind the Choice

Psychological Foundations

Martin Seligman’s groundbreaking research on learned helplessness and learned optimism demonstrates that “people can learn to develop a more optimistic perspective” through “resilience training” (Simply Psychology, 2024; Positive Psychology, 2019). This research reveals that victimhood and ownership are not fixed personality traits but learned patterns that can be changed.

Learned optimism involves “consciously challenging any negative self-talk” and learning to respond to adversity by “thinking about their reactions to adversity in a new way” (Wikipedia, 2025). The process follows an ABCDE model:

  • Adversity: What happened?
  • Belief: How do I interpret it?
  • Consequence: What feelings and actions result?
  • Disputation: Can I challenge negative interpretations?
  • Energization: What positive outcomes can I create?

Sociological Perspectives

Sociologically, agency refers to “the capacity of individuals to act independently and make choices that shape their lives and the social structures around them,” emphasizing that “individuals are not merely passive recipients of societal influences… but are active participants who can exercise their will, make decisions, and initiate actions” (Encyclopedia MDPI, 2024).

This sociological understanding reveals that our choice between victim and owner mindsets affects not only our personal experience but also our contribution to the communities and systems around us.

Philosophical Foundations

Philosophically, human agency “entitles the observer to ask should this have occurred? in a way that would be nonsensical in circumstances lacking human decision-makers” (Wikipedia, 2025). This highlights the fundamental responsibility that comes with human consciousness—we are meaning-making beings who must choose how to interpret and respond to our experiences.

Moral responsibility involves “attributing certain powers and capacities to that person, and viewing their behavior as arising, in the right way, from the fact that the person has, and has exercised, these powers and capacities” (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, 2023).

The Path Forward: From Victim to Owner

Practical Strategies for Cognitive Ownership

  1. Awareness Practice: Begin noticing automatic thoughts and questioning their accuracy
  2. Reframing Exercises: Practice “finding ways to change negative emotions, thoughts, and habits” by shifting perspective and adopting “positive thought patterns and behaviors” (Cleveland Clinic, 2020)
  3. Values Clarification: Identify core values and align actions with these principles
  4. Growth Mindset Development: Embrace challenges as opportunities for learning and development

Building Emotional Agency

  1. Emotional Awareness: Recognize emotions as information rather than commands
  2. Response vs. Reaction: Create space between stimulus and response
  3. Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness while maintaining accountability
  4. Stress Management: Develop healthy coping mechanisms for challenging situations

Taking Ownership Through Action

  1. Personal Responsibility: Exercise the “four helpers” of agency: “Intentionality, Forethought, Self-reflection, and Self-regulation” (Pattison Professional Counseling, 2021)
  2. Goal Setting: Create clear, actionable objectives aligned with values
  3. Skill Development: Continuously expand capabilities and competencies
  4. Service Orientation: Focus on contributing to others’ well-being

The Transformational Impact

Individual Benefits

Research consistently shows that ownership mindsets lead to:

  • Better Mental Health: Reduced depression and anxiety through learned optimism practices (Simply Psychology, 2024)
  • Improved Performance: Enhanced “job performance, careers, and even efforts to adapt to and reduce the rate and magnitude of climate change” (Bateman, 2022)
  • Greater Resilience: Increased ability to bounce back from setbacks
  • Enhanced Relationships: More authentic and fulfilling connections with others

Societal Benefits

When individuals embrace ownership, the ripple effects benefit entire communities:

  • Collective Agency: Contributing to “situations in which individuals pool their knowledge, skills, and resources, and act in concert to shape their future” (Encyclopedia MDPI, 2024)
  • Social Responsibility: Creating positive change in communities and institutions
  • Cultural Transformation: Modeling empowerment for others to follow

Conclusion: The Daily Choice

Every day, in countless moments, we face the fundamental choice between victim and owner consciousness. This choice occurs in the realm of our thoughts, emotions, and actions. While we cannot control every circumstance we encounter, we always retain the power to control our response, and this response shapes our reality more profoundly than we often realize.

The journey from victim to owner is not about denying legitimate pain or trauma, nor is it about toxic positivity that ignores real challenges. Instead, it’s about recognizing our inherent power to choose our stance toward life’s circumstances. It’s about embracing what Viktor Frankl called our “last freedom”—the freedom to choose our attitude in any given circumstances.

As we cultivate this ownership mindset through our thoughts, feelings, and actions, we not only transform our own experience but also contribute to a more empowered and responsible world. The choice is always ours, and the choice is always now.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

A Graphic Representation of These Concepts

**Individual Responsibility and Empowerment**

References

Bateman, T. S. (2022, March 27). Agency is the highest level of personal competence. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/getting-proactive/202203/agency-is-the-highest-level-personal-competence

Cleveland Clinic. (2020, January 8). Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): What it is & techniques. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/21208-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-cbt

Encyclopedia MDPI. (2024, January 25). Agency (Sociology). https://encyclopedia.pub/entry/53651

Moore, J. (2016). What is the sense of agency and why does it matter? Frontiers in Psychology, 7, 1272. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00535/full

Pattison Professional Counseling and Mediation Center. (2021, March 16). Take control of your life: The concept of agency and its four helpers. https://www.ppccfl.com/blog/take-control-of-your-life-the-concept-of-agency-and-its-four-helpers/

Positive Psychology. (2019, December 30). Learned optimism: Is Martin Seligman’s glass half full? https://positivepsychology.com/learned-optimism/

Psychologs. (2024, May 30). Psychology behind victim mentality. https://www.psychologs.com/psychology-behind-victim-mentality/

Simply Psychology. (2024, May 2). Learned helplessness: Seligman’s theory of depression. https://www.simplypsychology.org/learned-helplessness.html

Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. (2023). Agency. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/agency/

Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. (2023). Moral responsibility. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/moral-responsibility/

StatPearls. (2024). Cognitive behavior therapy. NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK470241/

16Personalities. (2022, July 28). Personal agency: A foundation for every personality. https://www.16personalities.com/articles/personal-agency-a-foundation-for-every-personality

Wikipedia. (2025, May 22). Victim mentality. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_mentality

Wikipedia. (2025, May 23). Learned optimism. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism

Wikipedia. (2025). Agency (philosophy). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agency_(philosophy)

June 17, 2025

Beyond Self-Esteem

Why Self-Compassion is the Healthier Path to Self-Worth

The American Dream of Feeling Special Has Become a Nightmare of Comparison

We live in a culture obsessed with being exceptional. From the participation trophies of our youth to the carefully curated highlight reels of social media, Americans have been told for decades that feeling good about ourselves requires being better than others. This isn’t an accident—it’s the direct result of what researchers now call “the self-esteem movement,” a uniquely American construct that has fundamentally misunderstood what it means to have healthy self-regard.

As someone who has spent years studying human psychology and wellness, I’ve witnessed firsthand how this pursuit of high self-esteem has created more problems than it has solved. The good news? There’s a better way forward, one rooted in ancient wisdom but validated by modern science: self-compassion.

The Rise and Fall of the Self-Esteem Movement

To understand why self-esteem became so central to American psychology, we need to go back to its origins. The identification of self-esteem as a distinct psychological construct has its origins in the work of philosopher and psychologist William James, published in 1890 (Neff, 2011). However, it wasn’t until the late 20th century that self-esteem became a cultural obsession.

The pivotal event was California legislator John Vasconcellos (Democrat) steering a bill through the legislature and securing the Republican governor’s signature to establish a California Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility or the “Self-esteem Commission” in 1986 (Cuban, 2019). In his vision, self-esteem was the key to problems such as violence, crime, alcohol and drug abuse, welfare dependency, teenage pregnancy, academic failure, recidivism, and child and spousal abuse (Pacific Research Institute, 2022).

This well-intentioned movement promised that if we could just make people feel better about themselves, we could solve society’s problems. “Toward a State of Esteem” became the best-selling state document of all time, at 60,000 copies. More than 40 of California’s 58 counties formed self-esteem task forces (Pacific Research Institute, 2022).

But here’s what happened instead: we created a generation that confuses feeling special with being valuable, that mistakes external validation for internal worth, and that crumbles when reality doesn’t match their inflated self-image.

The Dark Side of the Self-Esteem Obsession

Research has revealed the troubling consequences of pursuing high self-esteem. Later research indicated that inflating students’ self-esteem has no positive effect on grades, and one study even showed that inflating self-esteem by itself can actually decrease grades (New World Encyclopedia, n.d.). Even more concerning, self-esteem (but not self-compassion) was positively associated with narcissism (Wikipedia, 2024).

The fundamental problem with self-esteem as typically pursued is that it requires us to feel special and above average. This creates what psychologists call “contingent self-worth”—our value depends on our performance, appearance, or social approval. We feel good about ourselves when we succeed, we feel bad about ourselves when we fail… So you might say self-esteem is a fair-weather friend (Mount Sinai, n.d.).

This contingent nature of self-esteem drives several destructive behaviors:

Social Comparison: To maintain high self-esteem, we must constantly measure ourselves against others, creating jealousy, competition, and disconnection.

Defensive Aggression: When our inflated self-image is threatened, we often lash out rather than reflect.

Avoidance of Challenge: To protect our self-esteem, we may avoid situations where we might fail or look bad.

External Validation Addiction: We become dependent on others’ approval to feel okay about ourselves.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff observes, the biggest problem with self-esteem is that it tends to be contingent. In other words, we only feel good about ourselves when we succeed or when we look the way we want to look or when people like us, but you know, what happens when things don’t go our way? (No Small Endeavor, n.d.).

Self-Compassion: The Unconditional Alternative

Self-compassion offers a radically different approach to self-regard—one that doesn’t require us to be perfect, special, or better than others. Self-compassion entails three main components: (a) self-kindness—being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical, (b) common humanity—perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as separating and isolating, and (c) mindfulness—holding painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them (Neff, 2003).

Self-Kindness: Treating Yourself as You Would a Friend

The first component involves extending the same warmth and understanding to ourselves that we would naturally offer a good friend facing difficulties. In short, showing self-kindness means treating our worth as unconditional even when we fall short of our own expectations (Positive Psychology, 2019).

Most of us have a harsh inner critic that says things we would never say to someone we care about. Self-kindness means speaking to ourselves with the same gentleness we would use with a child who has made a mistake.

Common Humanity: You’re Not Alone in This

Perhaps the most revolutionary aspect of self-compassion is its recognition that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of the shared human experience. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone (UNC, n.d.).

This stands in stark contrast to the self-esteem movement’s emphasis on being special or above average. Self-compassion says: “You don’t need to be perfect or extraordinary to be worthy of love and respect. You’re valuable simply because you’re human.”

Mindfulness: Seeing Clearly Without Judgment

The third component involves observing our thoughts and emotions with balanced awareness—neither suppressing them nor being overwhelmed by them. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them (UNC, n.d.).

This mindful awareness allows us to acknowledge our pain without being consumed by it, creating space for healing and growth.

The Science of Self-Compassion

The research on self-compassion is compelling. Self-compassion offers the benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls. So it’s associated with strong mental health but it’s not associated with narcissism or constant social comparison or ego defensive aggression (Singjupost, 2023).

Studies have consistently shown that self-compassion provides:

  • Greater emotional resilience and stability than self-esteem
  • Less narcissism and ego-defensiveness
  • More stable feelings of self-worth that don’t fluctuate based on external circumstances
  • Stronger motivation for personal growth and learning
  • Better relationships and social connectedness

In general, the research suggests that self-compassion offers most of the benefits of high self-esteem, with fewer downsides (PMC, n.d.). Research is presented which shows that self-compassion provides greater emotional resilience and stability than self-esteem, but involves less self-evaluation, ego-defensiveness, and self-enhancement than self-esteem (ResearchGate, 2011).

Worth as Inherent, Not Earned

One of the most liberating aspects of self-compassion is its recognition that human worth is inherent, not earned. Self-worth refers to the inherent value and dignity one holds for themselves, independent of external achievements or validation. It involves recognizing one’s worthiness of love, respect, and happiness, regardless of circumstances or opinions from others (Positive Psychology, 2018).

This understanding stands in direct opposition to the American cultural narrative that says we must achieve, accumulate, or accomplish something to be valuable. Self-compassion recognizes that our worth comes from our shared humanity, not our performance.

With self-compassion we don’t need to be perfect or better than anyone else to feel good about ourselves, we just need to be a flawed human being like everyone else (self-compassion.org, 2011). This recognition frees us from the exhausting treadmill of trying to maintain an image of specialness and allows us to focus on growth, connection, and contribution.

The Path Forward: Acceptance, Understanding, and Self-Love

Moving from a self-esteem mindset to a self-compassion approach requires three fundamental shifts:

1. From Judgment to Acceptance

Instead of constantly evaluating ourselves as good or bad, successful or unsuccessful, we learn to accept ourselves as works in progress. This doesn’t mean becoming complacent; it means creating a foundation of unconditional worth from which we can grow.

2. From Isolation to Understanding

Rather than seeing our struggles as evidence that something is wrong with us, we recognize them as part of the human experience. This shift from “Why me?” to “This is part of life” transforms our relationship with difficulty.

3. From Criticism to Love

We replace the harsh inner critic with a kind inner friend—someone who supports us through challenges and celebrates our efforts, not just our outcomes.

The Ripple Effects of Self-Compassion

When we cultivate self-compassion, the benefits extend far beyond our own well-being:

Better Relationships: Research shows that self-compassionate people are more giving and supportive to others in relationships (self-compassion.org, 2011). When we’re not constantly defending our ego or seeking validation, we can show up more fully for others.

Enhanced Growth: Self-compassionate individuals do not berate themselves when they fail, they are more able to admit mistakes, modify unproductive behaviors and take on new challenges (PMC, n.d.). This creates a mindset of continuous learning rather than self-protection.

Greater Purpose and Meaning: When our worth isn’t contingent on external achievements, we’re free to pursue what truly matters to us rather than what we think will make us look good.

Improved Resilience: Self-compassion provides a much more stable sense of self-worth than self-esteem does, because it’s there for you precisely when you fail (Singjupost, 2023).

Conclusion: A New American Dream

It’s time to let go of the American obsession with being special and embrace something far more powerful: being human. The self-esteem movement promised that feeling good about ourselves would solve our problems, but it actually created new ones by tying our worth to external validation and comparative superiority.

Self-compassion offers a different path—one that recognizes our inherent worth as human beings while providing the emotional stability and motivation we need to grow, contribute, and thrive. It doesn’t promise that we’ll never fail or feel pain, but it guarantees that we’ll never face these challenges alone.

The journey from self-esteem to self-compassion isn’t just a personal transformation; it’s a cultural shift toward a more connected, resilient, and genuinely fulfilling way of being human. In a world that constantly tells us we’re not enough, self-compassion whispers the truth: you already are.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Cuban, L. (2019, April 19). Whatever happened to the self-esteem movement? Larry Cuban on School Reform and Classroom Practice. https://larrycuban.wordpress.com/2019/04/19/whatever-happened-to-the-self-esteem-movement/

Mount Sinai. (n.d.). The fierce side of self-compassion – Dr. Kristin Neff. Mount Sinai Health System. https://www.mountsinai.org/about/newsroom/podcasts/road-resilience/archive/self-compassion

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x

New World Encyclopedia. (n.d.). Self-esteem. https://www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Self-esteem

No Small Endeavor. (n.d.). Self-compassion: Kristin Neff. https://www.nosmallendeavor.com/self-compassion-kristin-neff

Pacific Research Institute. (2022, July 7). 20 years later: Self esteem movement was utopian hucksterism. https://www.pacificresearch.org/20-years-later-self-esteem-movement-was-utopian-hucksterism/

PMC. (n.d.). The role of self-compassion in development: A healthier way to relate to oneself. PubMed Central. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2790748/

Positive Psychology. (2018, November 6). What is self-worth & how do we build it? https://positivepsychology.com/self-worth/

Positive Psychology. (2019, June 2). How to practice self-compassion: 8 techniques and tips. https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-practice-self-compassion/

ResearchGate. (2011, January 4). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/227528671_Self-Compassion_Self-Esteem_and_Well-Being

self-compassion.org. (2011, March 22). What is self-compassion? https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/

Singjupost. (2023, September 20). Kristin Neff: The space between self-esteem and self compassion at TEDxCentennialParkWomen. https://singjupost.com/kristin-neff-the-space-between-self-esteem-and-self-compassion-at-tedxcentennialparkwomen-transcript/

UNC. (n.d.). The three components of self-compassion. Program on Mindfulness & Self-Compassion for Families. https://selfcompassion.web.unc.edu/what-is-self-compassion/the-three-components-of-self-compassion/

Wikipedia. (2024). Self-esteem. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem

May 19, 2025

A Path to Peace

Love Is Letting Go of Fear: A Path to Peace and Emotional Resilience

In a world often characterized by stress, anxiety, and conflict, the timeless wisdom found in Gerald Jampolsky’s “Love Is Letting Go of Fear” offers a refreshing perspective on creating inner peace. This seminal work, first published in 1979, resonates with readers seeking emotional freedom and authentic connection. Let’s explore how Jampolsky’s principles align with other philosophical traditions and contemporary psychological approaches to cultivate peace and nurture life-affirming emotional states.

The Core Message: Choosing Love Over Fear

At its heart, Jampolsky’s work presents a simple yet profound premise: We operate from one of two emotional states—love or fear. These states are mutually exclusive; when we choose love, fear dissipates. Jampolsky, influenced by A Course in Miracles, suggests that fear-based thinking manifests as judgment, attack, and self-protection, while love-based consciousness expresses forgiveness, compassion, and peace (Jampolsky, 1979).

This binary framework echoes ancient wisdom traditions. In Buddhist philosophy, suffering (dukkha) arises from attachment and aversion – essentially fear-based responses to life’s impermanence. The antidote is loving-kindness (metta) and compassion (karuna), which dissolve the boundaries between self and other (Nhat Hanh, 2015).

Forgiveness as a Path to Freedom

Jampolsky emphasizes forgiveness as essential for releasing fear and embracing love. He defines forgiveness not as pardoning wrongdoing, but as relinquishing our investment in grievances. When we hold onto perceived injustices, we remain prisoners of the past, unable to experience the present fully.

This perspective parallels the work of Fred Luskin, whose Stanford Forgiveness Project demonstrates that forgiveness training significantly reduces stress, anger, and physical symptoms of anxiety while increasing optimism and emotional well-being (Luskin, 2003). Luskin describes forgiveness as “the feeling of peace that emerges as you take your hurt less personally, take responsibility for how you feel, and become a hero instead of a victim in the story you tell.”

The Mind-Body Connection

The physiological impact of choosing love over fear is well-documented. When we operate from fear, our sympathetic nervous system activates, triggering the stress response and releasing cortisol and adrenaline. Prolonged states of fear compromise immune function and contribute to numerous health problems (Sapolsky, 2004).

Conversely, love-based emotions activate the parasympathetic nervous system, releasing oxytocin and promoting relaxation, healing, and connection. Barbara Fredrickson’s research supports this through her “broaden-and-build” theory of positive emotions, demonstrating that positive emotional states expand our awareness and build enduring personal resources (Fredrickson, 2013).

Integration with Contemporary Approaches

Several modern therapeutic modalities align with Jampolsky’s philosophy:

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

ACT, developed by Steven Hayes, emphasizes psychological flexibility and accepting complex thoughts and feelings rather than fighting them. This acceptance creates space for values-driven action and authentic connection, moving from fear-based resistance to love-based engagement (Hayes et al., 2006).

Internal Family Systems

Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems model conceptualizes the mind as containing multiple sub-personalities or “parts,” often formed in response to painful experiences. The model focuses on accessing the “Self” – a compassionate, curious core presence reminiscent of Jampolsky’s love-based consciousness – to heal wounded parts (Schwartz, 2001).

Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion provides practical applications of extending love toward oneself. She identifies three components of self-compassion: self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification with painful thoughts and feelings (Neff, 2011). These components mirror Jampolsky’s practices for releasing self-criticism and recognizing our fundamental connectedness.

Practical Applications for Cultivating Peace

Drawing from Jampolsky and complementary approaches, these practices can foster peace and emotional resilience:

Present-Moment Awareness

Fear often concerns the future or past, while love exists in the present. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) offers structured practices for returning to the present moment, where peace naturally arises (Kabat-Zinn, 2013).

Gratitude Practice

Robert Emmons’ research demonstrates that gratitude interventions significantly increase well-being and positive emotions while reducing negative states like envy and resentment (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). Gratitude shifts attention from what we fear losing to what we love having.

Service to Others

Jampolsky’s Center for Attitudinal Healing was founded on the principle that helping others accelerates our own healing. This aligns with findings that altruistic behaviors activate reward centers in the brain and decrease focus on personal distress (Post, 2005).

Question Fear-Based Thoughts

Byron Katie’s “The Work” offers a direct method for identifying and questioning stressful thoughts. By asking four questions about our fear-based beliefs, we can experience the freedom from seeing beyond our limiting stories (Katie, 2002).

Building Resilient Communities Through Love-Based Principles

The implications of Jampolsky’s philosophy extend beyond individual well-being to community and societal transformation. When individuals practice shifting from fear to love, the collective impact can be profound.

Restorative justice movements exemplify this approach, focusing on healing harm rather than punishment. By bringing together those who have caused harm with those affected by it in facilitated dialogue centered on accountability, repair, and reintegration, these practices embody the principles of forgiveness and connection essential to love-based consciousness (Zehr, 2015).

Similarly, nonviolent communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a framework for expressing ourselves honestly while receiving others empathically, transforming potential conflict into connection (Rosenberg, 2015). This approach dissolves the fear-based need to defend, attack, or withdraw, creating space for authentic relationships.

Conclusion: The Ongoing Journey

The journey from fear to love is not a one-time transformation but a continuous practice. As Jampolsky reminds us, each moment presents a new opportunity to choose peace over conflict, connection over separation, and love over fear. By integrating these principles with complementary wisdom from psychology, neuroscience, and contemplative traditions, we develop greater capacity for emotional resilience and authentic presence.

The message remains clear in a world that often seems defined by division and uncertainty: when we release fear, love emerges naturally as our default state. In that state, we discover not only personal peace but also the potential for healing our collective wounds and creating more compassionate communities.

Kevin Brough / Ascend Counseling and Wellness / http://www.ascendcw.com / 435.688.1111

References

Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389.

Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). Positive emotions broaden and build. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 47, 1-53.

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1-25.

Jampolsky, G. G. (1979). Love is letting go of fear. Celestial Arts.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2013). Full catastrophe living: Using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness. Bantam Books.

Katie, B. (2002). Loving what is: Four questions that can change your life. Harmony Books.

Luskin, F. (2003). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. HarperOne.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.

Nhat Hanh, T. (2015). The heart of the Buddha’s teaching: Transforming suffering into peace, joy, and liberation. Harmony Books.

Post, S. G. (2005). Altruism, happiness, and health: It’s good to be good. International Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 12(2), 66-77.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. PuddleDancer Press.

Sapolsky, R. M. (2004). Why zebras don’t get ulcers: The acclaimed guide to stress, stress-related diseases, and coping. Holt Paperbacks.

Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Introduction to the internal family systems model. Trailheads Publications.

Zehr, H. (2015). The little book of restorative justice. Good Books.

May 13, 2025

What Do You Really Want?

What Do You Really Want? Step Through Your Self-Imposed Limitations

As a counselor, I’ve witnessed countless individuals struggle with a simple question: “What do you really want?” This deceptively straightforward inquiry often reveals layers of internal barriers that keep us from pursuing our authentic desires and living fulfilling lives.

The Two Questions That Change Everything

Success coach Michael Neill (2023) suggests that all personal transformation boils down to two essential questions:

  1. What do you want?
  2. What stops you?

While these questions appear simple, the answers often reveal complex psychological patterns rooted in our unconscious beliefs and learned behaviors.

Why “What Do You Want?” It Is So Hard to Answer

Many clients come to me unable to articulate their genuine desires. This difficulty isn’t laziness or lack of self-awareness—it results from deep-seated psychological barriers. Virginia Satir (1988), one of the founding figures of family therapy, identified how early family dynamics create “life positions” that determine our sense of worth and possibility.

Common barriers include:

  • Fear of disappointment: “If I don’t want it, I can’t be hurt by not getting it.”
  • Unworthiness beliefs: “I don’t deserve what I really want.”
  • Social conditioning: “Good people don’t want selfish things.”
  • Fear of success: “What if getting what I want changes me in ways I don’t like?”

The Script That Writes Your Life

Fritz Perls (1973), founder of Gestalt therapy, introduced how we internalize “scripts” that govern our behavior. These scripts—collections of beliefs, assumptions, and behavioral patterns—are formed through various learning mechanisms:

Primary Learning Channels

  1. Direct Experience: Our first-hand encounters shape our understanding of what’s possible (Bandura, 1977)
  2. Behavioral Conditioning: We repeat behaviors that receive positive reinforcement (Skinner, 1974)
  3. Social Modeling: We unconsciously adopt the beliefs and behaviors of those around us (Bandura, 1986)
  4. Hypnotic Suggestion: Repeated messages, particularly from authority figures, become deeply embedded (Erickson, 1980)

Milton Erickson’s groundbreaking work in clinical hypnosis revealed how our unconscious mind processes and stores these experiences, creating automatic patterns that influence every aspect of our lives (Haley, 1973).

The Power of Limiting Beliefs

Research in cognitive psychology demonstrates that our beliefs shape our reality (Beck, 1976).

Gregory Bateson’s (1972) work on systems thinking shows how these belief systems create self-perpetuating cycles—when we believe something is impossible, we unconsciously gather evidence to support that belief.

The most common limiting beliefs I encounter in practice include:

  • “I’m not smart/talented/worthy enough.”
  • “Success isn’t meant for people like me.”
  • “If I succeed, I’ll lose connection with others.”
  • “I need to struggle to deserve good things.”

Transforming Your Inner Script

The good news? These scripts aren’t permanent. We can rewrite our internal programming based on the principles established by pioneers like Robert Dilts (1990) and Chloe Madanes (1990). Here’s how:

Clarifying Questions for Self-Discovery

  • What would you want if failure weren’t possible?
  • What would you pursue if you knew others’ approval wasn’t necessary?
  • How would your life look if you woke up tomorrow with your deepest desires fulfilled?
  • What are you afraid would happen if you got what you truly want?

The Mirror Technique

One powerful exercise examines the question: “How are you already getting exactly what you want?” Often, our current circumstances reflect unconscious desires for safety, familiarity, or avoiding responsibility—even when we consciously claim to want something different.

Beyond Belief: Your Authentic Self

Marianne Williamson’s observation resonates deeply: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” This fear of our own power often keeps us playing small, stuck in scripts written by others rather than authors of our own stories.

Taking the First Step

Recognizing these patterns is the beginning of transformation. If you find yourself stuck in old scripts, unable to clarify what you truly want, or paralyzed by limiting beliefs, remember that change is possible. Sometimes the most courageous act is reaching out for support.

At Ascend Counseling and Wellness in Southern Utah, we create a safe space to explore these deep questions without judgment. Together, we can identify the scripts that no longer serve you and begin writing a new story that honors your authentic desires and unlocks your true potential.

Your journey toward clarity and fulfillment begins with a question: What do you really want? The answer may surprise you.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice-Hall.

Bandura, A. (1986). Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Prentice-Hall.

Bateson, G. (1972). Steps to an ecology of mind. Ballantine Books.

Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. International Universities Press.

Dilts, R. (1990). Changing belief systems with NLP. Meta Publications.

Erickson, M. H. (1980). The collected papers of Milton H. Erickson on hypnosis (Vol. 1-4). Irvington Publishers.

Haley, J. (1973). Uncommon therapy: The psychiatric techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D. Norton.

Madanes, C. (1990). Sex, love, and violence: Strategies for transformation. Norton.

Neill, M. (2023). The inside-out revolution. Hay House.

Perls, F. (1973). The Gestalt approach and eye witness to therapy. Science and Behavior Books.

Satir, V. (1988). The new peoplemaking. Science and Behavior Books.

Skinner, B. F. (1974). About behaviorism. Knopf.

Contact Ascend Counseling and Wellness to begin your transformation journey, for support in clarifying your desires and overcoming limiting beliefs.

Kevin Brough / Ascend Counseling and Wellness / 435.688.1111

May 1, 2025

Creating Balance

Creating Balance: Daily and Weekly Practices for ADHD and Bipolar Wellness

Living with ADHD or bipolar disorder presents unique challenges that can significantly impact daily functioning and overall well-being. However, with structured practices and intentional lifestyle choices, individuals with these conditions can achieve greater balance and stability. The LifeScaping Balance Wheel offers a holistic framework for addressing multiple dimensions of health, from cellular to life balance.

Understanding Cellular Balance

At the foundation of wellness is cellular balance. Our bodies consist of atoms that vibrate at specific frequencies, and these frequencies can be affected by what we consume, breathe, and experience. For those with ADHD or bipolar disorder, maintaining cellular balance is especially crucial because:

  • Toxic substances, adverse environmental exposures, and stress can lower the body’s bio-electric field.
  • A balanced cellular environment supports optimal brain function.
  • Self-regulation of cellular systems can improve focus, mood stability, and energy levels.

Body Balance: Creating Physical Homeostasis

Homeostasis—the body’s ability to maintain internal stability—can be particularly challenging for individuals with ADHD and bipolar disorder. Key practices to support body balance include:

Exercise & Fitness Practices

  • Daily Movement: 30 minutes of moderate activity daily, even broken into three 10-minute sessions
  • Nature Walks: Combining exercise with grounding in natural environments
  • Rhythmic Activities: Swimming, dancing, or cycling can help regulate brain waves
  • Strength Training: Twice weekly sessions to build muscle and improve body awareness
  • Consistency Over Intensity: Establish a sustainable routine rather than pushing too hard

Nutrition Strategies

  • Regular Meal Timing: Eating at consistent times helps stabilize blood sugar and mood
  • Protein with Every Meal: Supports sustained focus and attention
  • Omega-3 Rich Foods: Fatty fish, walnuts, and flaxseeds support brain health.
  • Complex Carbohydrates: Provide steady energy without spikes and crashes
  • Hydration: Aim for half your body weight in ounces of water daily
  • Minimize Stimulants: Reduce caffeine and sugar, which can exacerbate symptoms.
  • Food Journal: Track how different foods affect your mood and focus

Brain Balance: Managing Cognitive Function

The brain’s electrical patterns are particularly relevant for those with ADHD and bipolar conditions. Practices to support brain balance include:

Daily Brain-Balancing Routines

  • Meditation: Start with just 5 minutes daily and gradually increase
  • Breathwork: Practice 4-7-8 breathing (inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8) during transitions
  • Brain Training: Use apps designed for cognitive skills like attention and memory
  • State-Shifting Activities: Learn to recognize when you’re in Beta (active), Alpha (creative), or Theta (intuitive) states
  • Single-Tasking: Focus on one activity at a time with full attention
  • Cognitive Breaks: Take 5-minute mental rest periods between tasks

Inner Balance: Emotional Regulation

Heart rhythm patterns significantly impact cognitive function and emotional stability, a crucial area for those with ADHD and bipolar disorder:

Emotional Regulation Practices

  • Heart-Focused Breathing: Practice coherent breathing while focusing attention on the heart area
  • Mood Tracking: Journal daily to identify patterns and triggers
  • Emotional First Aid Kit: Create a personalized list of activities that help during emotional extremes
  • Gratitude Practice: Note three specific things you’re grateful for each day
  • Visualization: Spend 5 minutes daily imagining yourself handling challenging situations calmly
  • Body Scanning: Regular check-ins to notice where you hold tension
  • Social Connection: Schedule regular time with supportive people

Mind Balance: Integrating Feminine and Masculine Energies

Creating a balance between flexibility (traditionally associated with feminine energy) and structure (usually associated with masculine energy) is beneficial for ADHD and bipolar management:

Mind Balancing Practices

  • Structured Flexibility: Create routines with built-in options
  • Perceptual Position Shifts: Practice seeing situations from multiple perspectives
  • Self-Observation: Regular check-ins about your thinking patterns without judgment
  • Values Clarification: Regularly revisit what matters most to you
  • Intention Setting: Begin each day with clear, positive intentions
  • Mindful Media Consumption: Be selective about information intake

Life Balance: Integrating Work and Lifestyle

Achieving proper prioritization between career demands and personal well-being is essential for those with ADHD and bipolar disorder:

Weekly Life Balance Practices

  • Sunday Planning: Set aside time to plan the week ahead
  • Time Blocking: Designate specific times for work, relationships, and self-care
  • Energy Management: Schedule demanding tasks during your natural high-energy periods
  • Boundary Setting: Practice saying no to activities that deplete your resources
  • Leisure Without Guilt: Schedule time for enjoyable activities as non-negotiable appointments
  • Nature Connection: Spend time outdoors at least twice weekly
  • Digital Detox: Establish regular periods without screens

Activities to Achieve Life Balance

When choosing activities for your weekly routine, focus on those that bring peace, joy, and balance. For ADHD and bipolar management, consider these specific approaches:

Self-Care Practices

  • Morning Routine: Establish consistent wake times and morning activities
  • Evening Wind-Down: Create a relaxing pre-sleep routine
  • Sensory Toolkit: Identify sounds, textures, and scents that help you feel grounded
  • Body Therapies: Consider regular massage, acupuncture, or other bodywork
  • Sleep Hygiene: Prioritize 7-9 hours of quality sleep in a cool, dark room

Meditation/Prayer/Outdoors

  • Guided Meditations: Use recordings designed explicitly for ADHD or bipolar management
  • Ecotherapy: Intentional time in forests, near water, or in gardens
  • Sunlight Exposure: 15-30 minutes of morning sunlight daily
  • Grounding Practices: Direct physical contact with the earth (walking barefoot on grass)
  • Prayer or Spiritual Practice: Connect with something larger than yourself

Creativity Practices

  • Art Therapy: Expressive drawing without judgment
  • Music Therapy: Both creating and listening to music
  • Movement Therapy: Dance, tai chi, or other forms of expressive movement
  • Writing: Stream-of-consciousness journaling or creative writing
  • Cooking: Mindful food preparation as a creative outlet

Relationship Practices

  • Communication Skills: Learn and practice clear expression of needs
  • Support Groups: Connect with others who understand your experiences
  • Relationship Boundaries: Clearly define your needs in relationships
  • Quality Time: Focus on depth rather than breadth in relationships
  • Vulnerability Practice: Share appropriate struggles with trusted others

Lifestyle for Life Balance

Creating sustainable lifestyle habits is essential for long-term management of ADHD and bipolar symptoms:

Daily Lifestyle Considerations

  • Rhythm Over Rigidity: Create consistent daily patterns while allowing flexibility
  • Environmental Organization: Reduce visual clutter in living and working spaces
  • Light Management: Use blue light filters in the evenings and proper lighting during the day
  • Stress Management: Identify and minimize unnecessary stressors
  • Medication Integration: If prescribed, create reliable systems for medication adherence

Connections for Life Balance

The synergy of supportive relationships is significant for those with ADHD and bipolar disorder:

Building Supportive Connections

  • Professional Support: Regular sessions with healthcare providers
  • Peer Support: Connections with others who have similar experiences
  • Family Education: Help loved ones understand your condition
  • Communication Tools: Learn and practice non-violent communication
  • Boundary Setting: Clear, kind limits in all relationships

By integrating practices across these dimensions of the LifeScaping Balance Wheel, individuals with ADHD and bipolar disorder can create a more stable, fulfilling life experience. Remember that balance isn’t about perfection—creating sustainable patterns supporting your unique needs and strengths.

The journey toward balance is ongoing and requires regular reassessment and adjustment. Consider starting with just one or two practices from each area, gradually building a personalized approach to wellness that honors the medicine wheel’s wisdom of interconnection and wholeness.

Thank you,

     Kevin Brough

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

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April 26, 2025

Strive for Second Order Change

First and Second Order Change

(Gregory Bateson interpreted by Kevin Brough, 2015)


First Order Change (Note: Pressure goes down at first)
1. Do more or less of something to decrease pressure—a BEHAVIOR CHANGE.
2. Underlying conflict not identified nor resolved
3. Nothing significant and new is learned
4. Efforts bring temporary relief, yet pressure/discomfort returns to the previous level (because the underlying conflict is not named and worked with to loosen its grip on the present moment.)
5. Old Story Still Told and still can’t talk about underlying conflicts that are causing the pressure, and “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” continues to be the story told.

(Note: In first-order change, "pressure" is the enemy, and it is decreased by just moving it around and around to different places within the closed system of marriage---through denial, lying, and controlling (fight, flight, freeze, fawn).

Second Order Change (Note: Pressure goes up at first) TRANSFORMATION — A change in capacity
1. A CHANGE IN THE FOUNDATIONAL AND FUNDAMENTAL Point of View that relooks at all things. A DEVELOPMENTAL CHANGE that supports actions that match more of what is occurring NOW.
2. Identify and address the underlying conflict. Destructive Double Bind is diffused by talking about what is happening and the double bind of “damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” Talking about it, while tolerating the discomfort without criticism and absolute blame, it starts to ease the bind, making room for identifying and addressing the underlying conflict.
3. Learn significant and new things (to address the newly defined underlying conflict.
4. Define and choose who you want to be in this situation FROM THIS NEW WAY OF SEEING THINGS (from WHAT IS NEEDED instead of letting the reaction choose for you). — this is the difference between a behavior change and TRANSFORMATION.
5. The New Story (narrative) can now begin to be told about the same perpetual situations experienced with NEW CLARITY and compassionately and talked about in kinder, yet sometimes more uncomfortable, ways.

(Note: In second-order change, "pressure/discomfort” is more immediate, but its intent is a friendly urge/force that is consciously used to transform the people and the relationship into something entirely new, often surprising to both people---for the better that is anchored in NOW and not just changing words around or putting new labels on old things. It is a fundamental development that leads to growth into maturity and awareness).
———-
Communication improves when the underlying uncomfortable conflicts are discovered, acknowledged, and addressed in a significantly different ongoing manner.
Second-order change involves doing something significantly or fundamentally different from what you have done before. The process is usually irreversible, and once you begin, returning to how you were doing things before becomes impossible.

The Difference Between First and Second-Order Change in Marriage According to Gregory Bateson

Gregory Bateson, a pioneer in systems theory, introduced concepts that offer profound insights into the dynamics of relationships, including marriage. One of his foundational ideas is the distinction between first-order and second-order change. In marriage, first-order change refers to adjustments or modifications made within an existing framework without fundamentally altering the underlying system. These changes tend to be superficial or temporary and often maintain the status quo. For instance, a couple may agree to argue less but fail to address the deeper reasons behind their conflicts. While first-order changes can provide immediate relief, they are unlikely to lead to long-lasting transformation in the relationship.

In contrast, second-order change involves a fundamental shift in the framework or structure of the relationship itself. This change challenges existing patterns, beliefs, and assumptions, leading to a transformative reorganization of the marital system. For example, instead of merely agreeing to communicate better, a couple might engage in therapy to uncover and address the emotional wounds and patterns that drive their conflicts. Second-order change requires deeper introspection, vulnerability, and a willingness to embrace discomfort for the sake of growth. While it demands more effort and commitment, it often results in a more resilient and fulfilling relationship.

The impact of these changes differs significantly. First-order changes can create the illusion of progress while underlying issues remain unaddressed, potentially leading to frustration and stagnation. Second-order changes, however, foster authentic growth by addressing core dynamics and promoting new ways of relating. Couples who achieve second-order change often feel more connected, empowered, and aligned in their shared goals and values. 

Bateson’s distinction underscores the importance of moving beyond surface-level fixes to engage in meaningful transformation.
Understanding the difference between these types of change can guide couples in navigating challenges. They can take deliberate steps toward second-order transformation by recognizing when first-order changes are insufficient. This may involve seeking professional guidance, practicing self-awareness, and cultivating a mindset of curiosity and openness. Ultimately, embracing second-order change can lead to a more adaptive, harmonious, and enduring partnership.


Five Examples of First-Order Change Conversations
1.	Scenario: "Let’s set a rule to never go to bed angry."
        Explanation: The couple agrees on a behavioral guideline but does
           not explore the underlying emotions fueling their arguments.
	Relationship Impact: Temporary improvement, as unresolved feelings may
           resurface later.
2.	Scenario: "We’ll take turns doing the dishes."
	Explanation: A practical adjustment to household duties without addressing
           potential resentment or inequality.
	Relationship Impact: Reduces conflict in the short term but may not resolve
           deeper power dynamics.
3.	Scenario: "Let’s spend Saturday nights together instead of with friends."
	Explanation: Increases time together but does not address the quality of
           connection.
	Relationship Impact: Boosts companionship briefly but may leave emotional
           needs unmet.
4.	Scenario: "I’ll stop checking my phone during dinner."
	Explanation: A behavioral change without exploring why disconnection occurs.
	Relationship Impact: It may improve moments of presence but doesn’t foster
           deeper intimacy.
5.	Scenario: "Let’s schedule weekly date nights."
	Explanation: Creates structure for time together but doesn’t address 
           relational patterns.
	Relationship Impact: Strengthens routine but might not deepen emotional
           bonds.


Five Examples of Second-Order Change Conversations
1.	Scenario: "Why do we argue so much? Let’s explore this in therapy."
	Explanation: Seeks to uncover and address the root causes of conflict.
	Relationship Impact: Facilitates deeper understanding and long-term
           resolution.
2.	Scenario: "How can we create a shared vision for our future?"
	Explanation: Invites collaboration on long-term goals and values.
	Relationship Impact: Strengthens alignment and commitment.
3.	Scenario: "I’ve realized I need to work on my emotional triggers. Will you
           support me?"
	Explanation: I think it shows personal growth areas and asks for
           partnership.
	Relationship Impact: Encourages mutual vulnerability and growth.
4.	Scenario: "Let’s learn how to listen to each other without defensiveness."
	Explanation: Focuses on transforming communication patterns.
	Relationship Impact: Builds trust and emotional safety.
5.	Scenario: "What beliefs about marriage are we holding that might be limiting
           us?"
	Explanation: Questions assumptions to enable paradigm shifts.
	Relationship Impact: Opens new possibilities for connection and growth.

Cheers!! To Second Order Changes. KB

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com