Inner Journey to Wellness

October 9, 2025

Breaking the Cycle: Understand ADHD, Stress, and Compulsive Behaviors

Breaking the Cycle: Understanding ADHD, Stress, and Compulsive Behaviors

By Kevin Brough, MFT

If you’re reading this, you might be caught in a cycle that feels impossible to break. You tell yourself you just need more discipline, more willpower, more self-control. You promise yourself—and maybe your partner—that this time will be different. But when boredom hits, or stress overwhelms you, you find yourself right back where you started. And with each setback, the shame deepens, your self-esteem takes another hit, and your relationships suffer.

I want you to know something important: This isn’t a character flaw. This is neurobiology.

As a marriage and family therapist who works extensively with adults with ADHD, I’ve seen this pattern countless times. And I’m writing this article to help you understand what’s really happening in your brain and body—and more importantly, to give you a roadmap out of this cycle.

The Neurobiological Foundation: It’s Not About Willpower

When you have ADHD, particularly inattentive type (F90.0), your brain operates with chronically lower levels of dopamine and norepinephrine—two neurotransmitters that are essential for motivation, focus, attention, and impulse control (Volkow et al., 2009). This isn’t something you can simply overcome with discipline. Your brain is literally seeking these neurochemicals, and it will gravitate toward behaviors that provide quick dopamine hits.

This is why compulsive behaviors—whether pornography use, excessive gaming, social media scrolling, or other high-stimulation activities—become so problematic for individuals with ADHD. These behaviors provide rapid dopamine surges that your understimulated brain desperately craves (Blum et al., 2012). It’s not that you lack character; it’s that your brain is trying to self-medicate a neurochemical deficit.

The Stress Connection: Why It Gets Worse Under Pressure

Here’s where the cycle becomes particularly vicious. When you experience stress, your body activates the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, releasing corticotropin-releasing factor (CRF) and adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH), which ultimately leads to cortisol production (Smith & Vale, 2006). This stress response system, while designed to help us survive threats, creates additional challenges for individuals with ADHD.

Chronic stress actually impairs the prefrontal cortex—the very brain region responsible for executive functions like impulse control, decision-making, and self-regulation (Arnsten, 2009). So when you’re stressed, the part of your brain that would normally help you resist compulsive urges becomes even less effective. Meanwhile, stress increases your need for dopamine to feel balanced, making those quick-fix behaviors even more appealing.

This creates a devastating feedback loop:

  1. ADHD creates low baseline dopamine → 2. You seek high-dopamine behaviors → 3. These behaviors create shame and relationship problems → 4. Shame and problems create stress → 5. Stress impairs impulse control and increases dopamine-seeking → 6. The cycle intensifies

The Impact on Relationships and Self-Esteem

I see the toll this takes. The secrecy erodes trust. The broken promises create distance. Your partner feels hurt, confused, and often personalizes your behavior, wondering if they’re not enough. And you? You internalize the shame, believing you’re weak, broken, or fundamentally flawed.

But here’s what I need you to understand: Shame is not a motivator. Shame is fuel for the cycle.

When you’re drowning in shame, your brain becomes even more dysregulated, your stress levels spike, and you become more vulnerable to the very behaviors you’re trying to avoid (Tangney et al., 2007). Healing begins when we replace shame with understanding and strategic intervention.

A Comprehensive Path Forward: Evidence-Based Interventions

The good news—and there is genuinely good news here—is that with the right combination of interventions, you can break this cycle. This isn’t about willpower; it’s about working with your neurobiology instead of against it.

Important Disclaimer: The following information is educational in nature. Please consult with appropriate healthcare professionals—including your physician, psychiatrist, and therapist—before implementing medical, nutritional, or significant lifestyle changes. This article does not constitute medical advice or replace individualized treatment.

Medical Interventions

Medication Management: For many adults with ADHD, properly managed medication is transformative. Stimulant medications (like methylphenidate or amphetamine-based medications) and non-stimulant options (like atomoxetine or viloxazine) work by increasing dopamine and norepinephrine availability in the brain (Faraone & Glatt, 2010). This isn’t masking the problem—it’s correcting an underlying neurochemical imbalance.

When dopamine levels are adequately supported through medication, many individuals experience:

  • Reduced impulsivity and improved impulse control
  • Better ability to engage in delayed gratification
  • Decreased compulsive behavior-seeking
  • Improved emotional regulation
  • Enhanced ability to benefit from therapy

If you’re not currently on medication, or if your current regimen isn’t effectively managing your symptoms, please discuss this with a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD. If you are on medication but still struggling significantly, your dosage or medication type may need adjustment.

Addressing Co-occurring Conditions: ADHD frequently co-occurs with anxiety, depression, and trauma histories (Kessler et al., 2006). These conditions interact with and exacerbate each other. Comprehensive psychiatric evaluation can help identify and treat the full clinical picture.

Nutritional Approaches

Your brain is a biochemical organ, and what you feed it matters profoundly.

Protein and Amino Acids: Adequate protein intake is essential for neurotransmitter production. Tyrosine, an amino acid found in protein-rich foods, is a precursor to dopamine (Fernstrom & Fernstrom, 2007). Aim for protein at every meal, particularly breakfast, to support stable dopamine production throughout the day.

Omega-3 Fatty Acids: Research suggests that omega-3 supplementation, particularly EPA and DHA, may improve ADHD symptoms and support brain health (Bloch & Qawasmi, 2011). Fatty fish (salmon, mackerel, sardines) or quality fish oil supplements are excellent sources.

Blood Sugar Regulation: Unstable blood sugar creates stress on your body and brain, triggering cortisol release and impairing executive function. Focus on:

  • Complex carbohydrates paired with protein and healthy fats
  • Regular meals (don’t skip breakfast)
  • Minimizing refined sugars and processed foods

Micronutrients: Deficiencies in zinc, magnesium, and iron are associated with ADHD symptoms (Rucklidge et al., 2014). Consider having your levels checked and supplementing as recommended by your physician.

Limit Stimulants and Depressants: Excessive caffeine can increase anxiety and disrupt sleep. Alcohol impairs impulse control and interferes with medication effectiveness. Both disrupt the very systems you’re trying to stabilize.

Exercise and Movement

Physical exercise is one of the most powerful non-pharmaceutical interventions for ADHD (Ratey & Loehr, 2011). Exercise increases dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin—providing natural symptom relief. It also reduces cortisol, improves stress resilience, and enhances executive function.

Practical Recommendations:

  • Cardiovascular Exercise: Aim for 30-45 minutes of moderate to vigorous activity most days. Running, cycling, swimming, or brisk walking all provide significant benefits.
  • Strength Training: Resistance training 2-3 times per week supports overall brain health and provides structure.
  • Morning Exercise: If possible, exercise early in the day. This floods your brain with neurochemicals when dopamine is typically lowest, reducing compulsive behavior-seeking throughout the day.
  • Movement Breaks: If you work a sedentary job, take brief movement breaks every hour. Even 2-3 minutes of movement helps regulate your nervous system.

Sleep Hygiene

Sleep deprivation is catastrophic for ADHD symptoms and impulse control (Cortese et al., 2013). When you’re sleep-deprived, your prefrontal cortex essentially goes offline, making compulsive behaviors nearly impossible to resist.

Essential Sleep Practices:

  • Maintain consistent sleep and wake times (even on weekends)
  • Eliminate screens 1-2 hours before bed (blue light suppresses melatonin)
  • Create a dark, cool sleeping environment
  • Avoid caffeine after noon
  • Consider melatonin supplementation (discuss with your doctor)

Therapeutic Interventions

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT helps you identify and restructure the thought patterns that maintain compulsive behaviors. It’s particularly effective when combined with medication (Safren et al., 2010). You’ll learn to:

  • Recognize triggers and high-risk situations
  • Challenge shame-based thinking
  • Develop alternative coping strategies
  • Build behavioral activation when motivation is low

Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Mindfulness practices strengthen the prefrontal cortex and improve emotion regulation (Hölzel et al., 2011). Self-compassion—treating yourself with the kindness you’d offer a good friend—is a powerful antidote to shame. Research consistently shows that self-compassion increases motivation and resilience while reducing avoidance behaviors (Neff, 2003).

Start with just 5 minutes daily of mindfulness meditation. Apps like Insight Timer or Headspace can guide you. When you notice the urge to engage in compulsive behavior, try the “RAIN” technique:

  • Recognize what’s happening
  • Allow the experience to be there
  • Investigate with kindness
  • Nurture yourself

Couples Therapy: If your relationship has been impacted, couples therapy is essential. Your partner needs support processing their hurt, and you both need to rebuild trust and intimacy. A therapist can help you:

  • Develop transparent communication
  • Establish healthy boundaries and accountability
  • Understand the neurobiological components (this isn’t personal)
  • Reconnect emotionally and physically in healthy ways
  • Address underlying relationship issues that may increase vulnerability

ADHD Therapy: ADHD specialized therapists can help you build systems and structures that work with your brain. They can help you:

  • Create environmental modifications that reduce temptation
  • Develop routines that support executive function
  • Build in stimulation and novelty in healthy ways
  • Set realistic goals and maintain accountability

Environmental and Behavioral Strategies

Structure and Routine: Your ADHD brain functions best with external structure. Create consistent daily routines for morning, evening, work, and self-care. Use:

  • Visual schedules and reminders
  • Time-blocking techniques
  • Habit stacking (linking new habits to established ones)

Reduce Accessibility: Make compulsive behaviors harder to access. Install website blockers, keep devices out of private spaces, and create friction between impulse and action. Even small barriers significantly reduce impulsive behavior.

Increase Healthy Stimulation: Your brain needs stimulation. Instead of trying to exist in understimulation, flood your life with healthy, engaging activities:

  • Pursue hobbies that provide flow states
  • Engage in novel experiences regularly
  • Connect with friends and community
  • Learn new skills
  • Listen to music or podcasts during mundane tasks

Identify and Manage Triggers: Work with your therapist to identify your specific triggers:

  • Boredom triggers: What times of day or situations leave you understimulated? Build in healthy stimulation during these windows.
  • Stress triggers: What creates stress in your life? How can you address root causes or develop healthier stress management?
  • Emotional triggers: What feelings precede compulsive behaviors? Develop emotional regulation skills and alternative coping strategies.

Build Accountability: Isolation feeds compulsive behavior. Consider:

  • Regular check-ins with your therapist or coach
  • Support groups (either ADHD-focused or recovery-focused)
  • Accountability partners
  • Transparent technology sharing with your spouse (when appropriate and agreed upon)

Addressing the Relationship

Your relationship has been hurt. That’s real, and it needs attention. But healing is absolutely possible.

For You:

  • Take full responsibility without drowning in shame
  • Understand that changing behavior takes time—be patient with yourself while remaining committed
  • Show through consistent action, not just words
  • Be genuinely curious about your partner’s experience
  • Recognize that trust is rebuilt slowly through reliability

For Your Partner:

  • Your pain is valid, and their behavior impacts you deeply
  • This isn’t about you or your desirability
  • Understanding the neurobiology doesn’t excuse behavior, but it provides context
  • Your partner’s recovery journey may not be linear
  • Your own therapy or support group can be invaluable
  • Set boundaries that honor your needs while supporting their recovery

Together:

  • Rebuild emotional intimacy before focusing solely on physical intimacy
  • Create shared positive experiences
  • Practice vulnerability and authentic communication
  • Celebrate small victories
  • Remember why you chose each other

The Path Forward: From Shame to Hope

I want to return to where we started. You are not weak. You are not broken. You are not fundamentally flawed. You have a neurodevelopmental condition that makes certain behaviors particularly challenging to manage, and you’ve been caught in a cycle that feeds on itself.

But here’s what I know from years of working with clients just like you: Change is possible. Recovery is real. Better relationships await you.

The interventions I’ve outlined aren’t quick fixes, and they won’t all resonate equally with you. But when you approach this comprehensively—addressing the neurobiology through medication and nutrition, supporting your brain through exercise and sleep, building skills through therapy, and creating structures that set you up for success—the cycle begins to break.

Progress won’t be linear. You’ll have setbacks. But each time you implement these strategies, you’re strengthening new neural pathways, building resilience, and moving toward the person you want to be.

Next Steps: Your Action Plan

  1. Medical: Schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist specializing in adult ADHD to discuss medication options or optimize your current regimen.
  2. Therapeutic: Begin or continue individual therapy with a therapist experienced in ADHD and compulsive behaviors. Consider adding couples therapy if your relationship has been impacted.
  3. Physical: Start a consistent exercise routine this week. Even 20 minutes counts. Make this non-negotiable.
  4. Nutritional: Audit your diet. Are you eating adequate protein? Are you skipping meals? Consider consulting with a nutritionist.
  5. Environmental: Implement one environmental change this week that reduces access to compulsive behaviors.
  6. Support: Research ADHD or recovery support groups in your area. Connection matters.
  7. Self-Compassion: When you notice self-critical thoughts, pause and ask: “What would I say to a good friend struggling with this?” Extend that same compassion to yourself.

A Final Word

I believe in your capacity for change. I’ve seen it happen countless times. The brain is remarkably neuroplastic—it can form new patterns, new connections, new ways of being. But it needs the right support, the right interventions, and the proper understanding.

You deserve a life free from the shame-and-compulsion cycle. Your relationship deserves honesty, intimacy, and trust. And the version of yourself you’re working toward? That person is already within you, waiting for the right conditions to emerge.

Be patient with yourself. Be strategic in your approach. Be willing to ask for help. And be hopeful, because hope is not naive—it’s grounded in the reality that with comprehensive intervention, people recover and relationships heal.

You’re not fighting this battle alone anymore.

Kevin Brough, MFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

Ascend Counseling and Wellness – ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Arnsten, A. F. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410-422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648

Bloch, M. H., & Qawasmi, A. (2011). Omega-3 fatty acid supplementation for the treatment of children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder symptomatology: Systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 50(10), 991-1000. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2011.06.008

Blum, K., Chen, A. L., Braverman, E. R., Comings, D. E., Chen, T. J., Arcuri, V., Blum, S. H., Downs, B. W., Waite, R. L., Notaro, A., Lubar, J., Williams, L., Prihoda, T. J., Palomo, T., & Oscar-Berman, M. (2012). Attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder and reward deficiency syndrome. Neuropsychiatric Disease and Treatment, 4(5), 893-918. https://doi.org/10.2147/NDT.S2627

Cortese, S., Faraone, S. V., Konofal, E., & Lecendreux, M. (2013). Sleep in children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: Meta-analysis of subjective and objective studies. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 48(9), 894-908. https://doi.org/10.1097/CHI.0b013e3181ac09c9

Faraone, S. V., & Glatt, S. J. (2010). A comparison of the efficacy of medications for adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder using meta-analysis of effect sizes. The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 71(6), 754-763. https://doi.org/10.4088/JCP.08m04902pur

Fernstrom, J. D., & Fernstrom, M. H. (2007). Tyrosine, phenylalanine, and catecholamine synthesis and function in the brain. The Journal of Nutrition, 137(6), 1539S-1547S. https://doi.org/10.1093/jn/137.6.1539S

Hölzel, B. K., Lazar, S. W., Gard, T., Schuman-Olivier, Z., Vago, D. R., & Ott, U. (2011). How does mindfulness meditation work? Proposing mechanisms of action from a conceptual and neural perspective. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(6), 537-559. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691611419671

Kessler, R. C., Adler, L., Barkley, R., Biederman, J., Conners, C. K., Demler, O., Faraone, S. V., Greenhill, L. L., Howes, M. J., Secnik, K., Spencer, T., Ustun, T. B., Walters, E. E., & Zaslavsky, A. M. (2006). The prevalence and correlates of adult ADHD in the United States: Results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 163(4), 716-723. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.2006.163.4.716

Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Ratey, J. J., & Loehr, J. E. (2011). The positive impact of physical activity on cognition during adulthood: A review of underlying mechanisms, evidence and recommendations. Reviews in the Neurosciences, 22(2), 171-185. https://doi.org/10.1515/rns.2011.017

Rucklidge, J. J., Frampton, C. M., Gorman, B., & Boggis, A. (2014). Vitamin-mineral treatment of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder in adults: Double-blind randomised placebo-controlled trial. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 204(4), 306-315. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjp.bp.113.132126

Safren, S. A., Otto, M. W., Sprich, S., Winett, C. L., Wilens, T. E., & Biederman, J. (2010). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for ADHD in medication-treated adults with continued symptoms. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 43(7), 831-842. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2004.07.001

Smith, S. M., & Vale, W. W. (2006). The role of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis in neuroendocrine responses to stress. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 8(4), 383-395. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2006.8.4/ssmith

Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral emotions and moral behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 345-372. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.56.091103.070145

Volkow, N. D., Wang, G. J., Kollins, S. H., Wigal, T. L., Newcorn, J. H., Telang, F., Fowler, J. S., Zhu, W., Logan, J., Ma, Y., Pradhan, K., Wong, C., & Swanson, J. M. (2009). Evaluating dopamine reward pathway in ADHD: Clinical implications. JAMA, 302(10), 1084-1091. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2009.1308

October 8, 2025

Turning ADHD into a Superpower

When Your Brain Won’t Let Go: Turning ADHD Perseveration Into a Superpower

By Kevin Brough, MFT

I’m going to let you in on something that took me years to understand about my own ADHD brain: that laser-focus intensity that helps me solve complex problems? The same trait that makes me an effective therapist at times. It has a shadow side that can make collaboration feel like someone’s throwing wrenches into a perfectly running machine.

I call it my “autopilot mode,” and maybe you know exactly what I’m talking about.

The Double-Edged Sword of Perseveration

Here’s what happens in my head: Once I’ve mapped out how to approach something—whether it’s a therapy intervention, a home project, or even planning dinner—that plan becomes the plan. My brain locks onto it with the intensity of a heat-seeking missile. And when someone suggests a different approach? Even if I intellectually agree with them in the moment, five minutes later, I’ve entirely forgotten we changed anything. I’m back on my original track, steamrolling forward like we never had that conversation.

Sound familiar?

This is perseveration, and it’s one of those ADHD traits that lives in the grey area between strength and struggle. When I’m working alone, this tunnel vision is my secret weapon. I can hold a complex problem in my mind, rotate it, examine it from every angle, and persist until I find the solution. But what about adding another person to the mix? Suddenly their input feels less like collaboration and more like… well, like interference with the perfect plan already running in my head.

The hard truth I’ve had to face: Sometimes I subconsciously dismiss others’ ideas as “dumb” or label them as arguments rather than contributions. Even when my approach might be the best one (and let’s be honest, sometimes it is), that rigid certainty costs me something valuable—connection, collaboration, and often better solutions I couldn’t see from inside my tunnel.

Understanding Why Our Brains Get Stuck

Before we discuss turning this challenge into a strength, let’s first understand what’s actually happening. Adults with ADHD don’t just deal with distraction—we also struggle with persistent thoughts and beliefs that our brains won’t release. This shows up in several ways:

Intrusive thoughts arrive uninvited and set up camp in our minds, creating anxiety and pulling our attention away from what we’re trying to focus on.

Rumination traps us in thought loops, replaying past mistakes or catastrophizing future scenarios. Our ADHD brains have a hyperactive Default Mode Network—the part responsible for mind-wandering—which makes it incredibly hard to turn off these repetitive thought patterns.

Cognitive distortions warp our thinking into extremes. We fall into all-or-nothing thinking (“I always mess things up” or “I never get it right”) and catastrophizing (turning minor setbacks into disasters). Years of struggling without understanding why can solidify negative self-perceptions that become a constant backdrop to everything we do.

Perseveration—my particular nemesis—is the inability to shift away from a thought or approach, even when it’s no longer serving us. Unlike rumination that loops on emotions, perseveration locks onto plans, methods, and ways of doing things.

Why This Happens: The Neuroscience Briefly

Our ADHD brains have some unique wiring:

  • Executive dysfunction impairs our brain’s command center, making it harder to flexibly shift between thoughts and regulate our responses
  • DMN hyperactivity keeps our minds churning, making it challenging to let thoughts go
  • Neurotransmitter imbalances (particularly dopamine and norepinephrine) affect how we process and release information
  • Co-occurring anxiety or depression can amplify these patterns exponentially

The result? Once we lock onto something—an idea, a plan, a way of doing things—our brains struggle to unlock, even when we consciously want to.

My Personal Battle with Perseveration

Let me paint you a picture of how this plays out in my life. I’m working on a home project with my wife. I’ve already figured out the approach—measured twice, researched the best method, and mapped the steps. It’s a solid plan. She suggests a modification. I nod, agree it’s a good idea, and we decide to incorporate it.

Ten minutes later, I’m executing my original plan, as if our conversation never happened. She asks, “I thought we were doing it differently?” And I’m genuinely confused. In my head, we’re still following the plan—the one I created before she spoke.

In my practice, I’m collaborating with another therapist on a treatment approach. They share an insight I hadn’t considered. I acknowledge it, genuinely appreciate it, and even feel excited about it. In the next session, I reverted entirely to my original conceptualization. Their input vanished like morning fog.

The really tricky part? I often don’t notice I’m doing it. I slip into what I call “robotic mode”—unconsciously dismissive, operating from the script in my head, experiencing others’ contributions as threats to overcome rather than gifts to receive.

Sometimes I’m already in “robotic mode” intensely enough that I reject input from others as not just interruptions but Interferences. Interfering (arguing) with my train of thought, my process, my “doing”. Heaven forbid someone else would give us directions or attempt to teach us something while we are in that mode.

The Awareness That Changes Everything

The first breakthrough occurred when I began to catch myself in those moments. Not afterward, during the self-recrimination phase, but in the moment. I started noticing the physical sensations—a slight tightening in my chest when someone suggested a different approach, a subtle speeding up of my thoughts as my brain rushed to defend its plan.

That awareness doesn’t fix the problem, but it creates a tiny pause. A microsecond where choice becomes possible. Hopefully, this pause and openness can become a natural part of your routine.

Strategies: From Struggle to Strength

Here’s what I’ve learned and am still learning about managing perseveration and other persistent thought patterns, both personally and in working with clients:

1. Acknowledge Without Judgment

The moment you notice you’re stuck—whether in a thought loop or locked onto a rigid plan—acknowledge it without beating yourself up. “Oh, there’s that perseveration again,” or “My brain is really holding tight to this idea.” Resistance makes it stronger. Acceptance creates space for change.

2. Externalize to Release the Grip

Journaling is powerful for getting persistent thoughts out of your head and onto paper, where they have less power. When I’m stuck in a thought loop about whether I handled a client situation correctly, writing it out helps me see it more objectively.

For perseveration specifically, I’ve started documenting agreed-upon changes. If we modify the plan, I immediately write it down (in a note on my phone) or take a photo. It sounds simple, but it works. My brain might forget the conversation, but my phone doesn’t.

3. Create “Being While Doing” Check-ins

This phrase—”being while I’m doing”—captures what I need most. I’ve started building in deliberate pause points during tasks:

  • Every 15 minutes, I stop and take three conscious breaths
  • I ask myself: “Am I in robotic mode right now?”
  • I check: “What was the last thing someone said to me about this?”
  • I notice: “Am I defending a position or collaborating toward a solution?”

These micro-interventions interrupt the autopilot long enough for awareness to return. The state that I am in while I am doing becomes the open, collaborative, and connected version of me!

4. Engage Your Full Attention Elsewhere

When rumination or intrusive thoughts take hold, sometimes the best medicine is complete engagement in something else. Physical exercise, a video game that demands full concentration, a creative project—anything that genuinely captures your ADHD brain’s attention can break the loop.

I’ve found that high-intensity interval training works wonders. Thirty minutes of pushing my body hard enough that I can’t think about anything else often resets my mental state completely.

5. Practice Mindfulness (But Make It ADHD-Friendly)

Traditional meditation can be torture for ADHD brains. But mindfulness—the practice of present-moment awareness—is incredibly valuable for managing persistent thoughts. The key is finding approaches that work for how our brains actually function:

  • Walking meditation: Paying attention to each step, the sensation of your feet, the rhythm of movement
  • Sensory grounding: Naming five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch, two you can smell, one you can taste
  • Brief body scans: Spending just 2-3 minutes noticing sensations in your body, especially where you hold tension

These practices train your brain to notice when it’s wandering and gently redirect—exactly the skill needed to catch perseveration before it takes hold entirely.

6. Leverage Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

CBT is remarkably effective for identifying and changing the thought patterns that trap us. A good therapist can help you:

  • Recognize your specific cognitive distortions
  • Challenge all-or-nothing thinking
  • Develop more balanced perspectives
  • Create practical strategies for interrupting unhelpful patterns

As both a therapist and someone with ADHD, I can tell you that CBT isn’t about positive thinking or pretending problems don’t exist. It’s about seeing your thoughts more clearly and choosing which ones to invest in.

7. Break Down the Overwhelm

When analysis paralysis strikes—when you’re so stuck in planning and perfecting that you can’t start—break the task into tiny steps. Not “organize the garage” but “spend 10 minutes sorting items in one corner.” Not “develop new treatment approach” but “read one article and take three notes.”

Small steps bypass the brain’s overwhelm response and build momentum.

8. Strengthen Your Foundation

None of these strategies work as well if your ADHD brain isn’t getting what it needs:

  • Sleep: Non-negotiable for executive function
  • Exercise: Literally changes brain chemistry in ADHD-helpful ways
  • Nutrition: Blood sugar crashes amplify every ADHD challenge
  • Medication: If appropriate for you, it can dramatically improve cognitive flexibility

Think of these as maintaining the operating system. Everything else is just apps.

The Strength Hidden in Perseveration

Here’s what I want you to understand: The same brain that gets stuck on plans and struggles to let go is also capable of extraordinary persistence, deep focus, and the ability to hold complex problems in mind until they’re solved.

My “perseveration” has made me excellent at following through on long-term therapeutic goals with clients. When I commit to helping someone, I don’t let go. I keep the threads of their story woven together across sessions. I notice patterns others might miss because I’m still holding onto details from months ago.

That tunnel vision that frustrates my wife during home projects? It’s also what allows me to hyperfocus on research, to read dozens of articles on a topic until I truly understand it, to persist through difficult therapeutic moments when a more straightforward path would be to give up.

The challenge isn’t to eliminate perseveration—it’s to develop enough awareness and flexibility to choose when to harness it and when to release it.

Working with Others: The Ongoing Practice

I’m still working on this. I still slip into robotic mode. I still sometimes unintentionally bulldoze over others’ input. But I’m catching it more often now. And when I do see it, I’ve learned to say:

“Hold on—I just realized I went back to my original plan without considering what you said. Can we pause and really talk through your idea?”

That vulnerability, that admission of my brain’s tendency to lock on and tune out, has actually strengthened my relationships. People appreciate being seen and heard. They appreciate knowing that when I override their input, it’s not because I don’t value them—it’s because my brain sometimes operates on old code before I can update it.

Your Turn

If you recognize yourself in this article, know that you’re not broken. Your brain isn’t defective. It’s wired differently, with both unique challenges and remarkable strengths.

The goal isn’t to become someone else. It’s to understand yourself well enough to work with your brain instead of against it. To catch the moments when perseveration serves you and the moments when it limits you. To build in the pauses, the check-ins, the awareness that transforms a rigid challenge into an adaptive strength.

Start small. Pick one strategy from this article. Try it for a week. Notice what changes. Build from there.

And remember: The same persistence that makes it hard to let go of a plan is the persistence that will help you build new patterns. Your ADHD brain is capable of remarkable change—you just have to stick with it long enough to see it through.

Kevin Brough, MFT, specializes in working with adults with ADHD, drawing from both professional training and personal experience. He focuses on helping clients transform ADHD challenges into strengths, building awareness and strategies that work with—not against—the unique brain of individuals with ADHD.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

If you found this article helpful and would like to explore how to turn your ADHD challenges into strengths, I’d be happy to work with you. Understanding ADHD from the inside out is one of my specialties—because I live it too.

October 3, 2025

Reclamation Before Transformation

Reclaiming Your Self: Building the Foundation for Optimal Mental and Emotional Health

By Kevin Brough MFT

When trauma touches our lives, it often feels as though we’ve lost something essential—a core part of who we truly are. We may find ourselves responding to life in ways that feel foreign, disconnected from the person we once knew ourselves to be. The journey toward healing isn’t about becoming someone new; it’s about reclaiming the Self that has always been there, waiting patiently beneath the protective layers we’ve developed to survive.

As a therapist working with individuals navigating the aftermath of trauma, I’ve witnessed time and again the transformative power of understanding what mental and emotional health truly requires. This article explores a comprehensive framework for building that foundation—one that integrates practical daily structures (the 5 C’s of mental health) with a deeper understanding of your inherent, undamaged core Self (the 8 C’s and 5 P’s from Internal Family Systems therapy).

Understanding the Foundation: Two Frameworks, One Goal

Before we dive deeper, let me clarify something that might initially seem confusing: we’ll be discussing two different sets of “C’s” in this article. Think of them as complementary rather than competing. The first set—Connection, Compassion, Coping, Community, and Care—represents the external structures and daily practices that support mental health (Dialectical Behavior Therapy [DBT] Community, 2024). These are the actionable steps you can take today to build resilience and stability.

The second set comes from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and describes the qualities of your core Self—the undamaged, wise, compassionate center that exists within you regardless of what you’ve experienced (Schwartz, 2021). These include eight C-qualities (Curiosity, Compassion, Calm, Clarity, Courage, Confidence, Creativity, and Connectedness) and five P-qualities (Presence, Perspective, Patience, Persistence, and Playfulness). Rather than tasks to complete, these represent inherent capacities you already possess that trauma may have temporarily obscured.

Together, these frameworks offer both a roadmap for daily action and a vision of the Self you’re reclaiming.

The Trauma Paradox: When Protection Becomes Prison

Trauma fundamentally alters how we relate to ourselves and the world. When we experience overwhelming events, our psyche develops protective strategies—what IFS calls “parts”—that help us survive (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). These parts may manifest as hypervigilance, emotional numbing, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or countless other patterns. While these responses served us when we needed them, they can eventually separate us from our core Self, creating a sense of living life at arm’s length from our own experience.

The beautiful paradox of healing is this: the Self you’re seeking to reclaim has never actually left. It’s been present all along, waiting for the conditions that allow it to emerge. By building external structures that create safety and stability (the first 5 C’s) while simultaneously recognizing and nurturing your inherent Self-qualities (the IFS C’s and P’s), you create the conditions for profound transformation.

The Daily Foundation: The 5 C’s of Mental Health Practice

Let’s begin with the practical framework that creates structure in your daily life. These five components work synergistically to build a foundation strong enough to support the deeper work of Self-reclamation.

Connection: Building Bridges to Others and Yourself

Connection forms the cornerstone of mental health, yet trauma often teaches us that relationships are dangerous or unpredictable. The first step in reclaiming your Self involves intentionally building and nurturing relationships that reflect your worth and humanity.

Daily practices for strengthening connection:

  • Schedule regular, meaningful contact with at least one trusted person—even a brief text or phone call counts
  • Practice vulnerable communication by sharing one authentic feeling or need each day
  • Join a support group, therapy group, or community organization where shared experience creates natural bonds
  • Notice and gently challenge the protective parts that tell you to isolate

When we connect authentically with others, we create mirrors that reflect back our inherent worthiness. These relationships become laboratories where we can practice expressing our true Self in increasingly safe contexts.

Compassion: The Antidote to Self-Criticism

Trauma survivors often develop harsh inner critics that replay messages of worthlessness, shame, or inadequacy. Compassion—particularly self-compassion—directly counters these internalized wounds by offering what researcher Kristin Neff calls “the three elements of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness” (Neff, 2003, p. 224).

Cultivating daily compassion:

  • When you notice self-critical thoughts, pause and ask: “Would I speak this way to someone I love?”
  • Develop a compassionate self-talk practice, perhaps placing a hand over your heart and speaking kindly to yourself
  • Recognize that your struggles connect you to humanity rather than separate you from it
  • Extend compassion outward to others, noticing how this practice naturally circles back to yourself

Compassion creates the internal environment where your core Self can safely emerge. When you stop attacking yourself for having been hurt, you create space for healing.

Coping: Tools for the Journey

Healthy coping strategies are the practical skills that help you navigate difficult emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Unlike the survival mechanisms that trauma installed, conscious coping practices work with your nervous system rather than against it.

Building your coping toolkit:

  • Develop a personalized set of grounding techniques (deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, 5-4-3-2-1 sensory awareness)
  • Create a “coping menu” with options for different emotional states—what helps when you’re anxious may differ from what helps when you’re numb
  • Practice distress tolerance skills that help you ride emotional waves without destructive action
  • Engage in regular activities that regulate your nervous system (exercise, creative expression, time in nature)

Effective coping isn’t about making difficult feelings disappear; it’s about developing the capacity to be with your experience while maintaining connection to your Self. Over time, you’ll notice that the C-qualities of your core Self (particularly Calm and Courage) become more accessible when you have reliable coping practices in place.

Community: Finding Your Tribe

Trauma often occurs in isolation and heals in community. Being part of something larger than yourself provides perspective, purpose, and the reminder that you’re not alone in your struggles. Community engagement combats the shame that thrives in secrecy and creates opportunities for meaningful contribution.

Engaging with community:

  • Identify communities that align with your values or interests, whether local or online
  • Start small—attend one event, join one online group, volunteer for a few hours
  • Look for communities specifically designed for healing, such as trauma support groups or 12-step programs
  • Remember that contributing to community is as healing as receiving support from it

In healthy community, you have the opportunity to discover and express aspects of your Self that may have been dormant. You might rediscover the Creativity, Playfulness, or Connectedness that trauma temporarily buried.

Care: Stewarding Your Whole Being

Care represents the commitment to actively tend to your mental, emotional, and physical health. It’s the practice of treating yourself as someone worth investing in—a radical act for those whose trauma taught them otherwise.

Implementing comprehensive care:

  • Establish non-negotiable self-care routines (adequate sleep, nourishing food, movement, rest)
  • Seek professional support when needed, recognizing that therapy is a sign of wisdom, not weakness
  • Create boundaries that protect your energy and well-being
  • Regularly assess whether your daily choices align with your values and long-term flourishing

Care is where intention meets action. It’s the daily decision to honor your needs and prioritize your healing, even when parts of you protest or minimize your suffering.

The Core Self: Qualities You Already Possess

As you build these external structures through the daily 5 C’s, you simultaneously create conditions for your core Self to emerge more fully. Internal Family Systems therapy offers a profound truth: beneath your protective parts lies an undamaged Self characterized by specific qualities that don’t need to be learned or earned—they simply need to be accessed (Schwartz, 2021).

The 8 C-Qualities of Self

These qualities naturally arise when you’re Self-led rather than led by traumatized parts:

Curiosity replaces judgment, allowing you to approach your inner experience and outer world with openness. Instead of avoiding difficult emotions or experiences, you become genuinely interested in understanding them.

Compassion flows naturally from Self, offering warmth and kindness to all parts of your internal system and to others. This isn’t compassion you force yourself to feel—it emerges organically when you’re Self-led.

Calm provides the internal steadiness that allows you to face challenges without becoming overwhelmed. This isn’t the false calm of dissociation but rather a grounded, present equanimity.

Clarity cuts through the confusion that trauma creates, allowing you to see situations accurately and make decisions aligned with your truth. You recognize patterns without getting lost in them.

Courage enables you to face what you’ve avoided, to speak your truth, and to take risks in service of your healing and growth. This courage isn’t reckless—it’s grounded in Self-trust.

Confidence emerges as you recognize your inherent capacity to handle life’s challenges. This isn’t arrogance but rather a realistic acknowledgment of your resilience and capability.

Creativity allows fresh perspectives and novel solutions to emerge. You discover your ability to approach problems flexibly and express yourself authentically.

Connectedness reflects your natural capacity for healthy relationship—with yourself, others, and something larger than yourself. You recognize your place in the web of life.

The 5 P-Qualities of Self

These additional qualities further describe what emerges when you’re Self-led:

Presence means fully inhabiting the present moment rather than being pulled into past trauma or future anxiety. You’re here, now, available to your life as it unfolds.

Perspective allows you to hold the bigger picture without minimizing or catastrophizing. You can zoom out when needed, recognizing that difficult moments are part of a larger journey.

Patience replaces the urgency that trauma often instills. You trust the timing of your healing and development, understanding that growth can’t be rushed.

Persistence provides the endurance to continue showing up for yourself and your healing, even when progress feels slow or you encounter setbacks.

Playfulness reconnects you with joy, spontaneity, and lightness. It’s the antidote to the heaviness that trauma imposes, reminding you that life can include delight.

Integration: Reclaiming Your Self Through Daily Practice

The magic happens when these frameworks work together. As you engage the daily practices of Connection, Compassion, Coping, Community, and Care, you create the safety and stability that allows your core Self-qualities to emerge more consistently. Simultaneously, as you recognize and access your inherent C’s and P’s, you find yourself naturally drawn to practices that support mental health.

This isn’t a linear process. Some days, you’ll feel firmly rooted in Self, experiencing Calm, Clarity, and Compassion with ease. Other days, protective parts will take the lead, and you’ll need to rely more heavily on your external coping strategies. Both are part of the journey.

Your Commitment to Reclamation

Reclaiming your Self after trauma is both the simplest and most challenging work you’ll ever do. Simple because your Self is already there, complete and undamaged, requiring only the conditions to emerge. Challenging because creating those conditions means facing what you’ve survived and gradually releasing the protective patterns that once kept you safe but now keep you small.

I invite you to make this commitment to yourself:

I commit to building the daily structures (Connection, Compassion, Coping, Community, Care) that support my mental and emotional health. I commit to recognizing that beneath my trauma and protective strategies lies a core Self characterized by Curiosity, Compassion, Calm, Clarity, Courage, Confidence, Creativity, and Connectedness—along with Presence, Perspective, Patience, Persistence, and Playfulness. I commit to approaching my healing with patience and persistence, trusting that my true Self is not lost but merely waiting to be reclaimed. I commit to treating myself as someone worth investing in, worthy of the time and effort that healing requires.

Moving Forward: From Understanding to Ownership

Understanding these frameworks intellectually is valuable, but transformation requires moving from knowledge to embodied practice. Consider these steps as you begin:

  1. Start where you are. You don’t need to implement everything at once. Choose one element from the daily 5 C’s to focus on this week. Perhaps you commit to reaching out to one person (Connection) or establishing one self-care routine (Care).
  2. Practice Self-recognition. Several times each day, pause and notice which C- or P-quality is present. When you notice Curiosity arising, acknowledge it: “This is my Self showing up.” This simple recognition strengthens your relationship with your core Self.
  3. Work with your parts. When you notice resistance, criticism, or protection, recognize these as parts trying to help. Rather than fighting them, approach them with curiosity: “What are you afraid will happen if you let my Self lead right now?”
  4. Seek support. Consider working with a therapist trained in IFS or trauma-focused approaches who can guide you in accessing Self and healing the wounds that keep parts activated.
  5. Celebrate small victories. Each moment of Self-leadership, each practice of one of the 5 C’s, each recognition of your inherent qualities—these are victories worth acknowledging.

The Vision: Your Optimal Future

Close your eyes for a moment and envision your life when you’re consistently Self-led, when the daily 5 C’s form your foundation. What does your life look like when Calm, Clarity, and Connectedness characterize your days? How do you show up in relationships when Compassion and Courage lead? What becomes possible when you approach challenges with Creativity and Perspective?

This vision isn’t fantasy—it’s your birthright. It’s the life that becomes available when you reclaim your Self from the protective patterns trauma installed. The person you’re becoming isn’t someone new; it’s who you’ve always been beneath the armor.

Your optimal future isn’t somewhere distant you must strive to reach. It’s revealed gradually, moment by moment, as you practice the 5 C’s and recognize the Self-qualities that have always been yours. You’re not building yourself from scratch; you’re excavating the treasure that was temporarily buried.

The journey of reclaiming your Self is both profound and practical, mystical and mundane. It requires daily commitment to structures that support mental health while simultaneously recognizing that beneath your wounds lies a core that trauma never touched. In this paradox lies your freedom: you have work to do, and you’re already whole. Both are true.

Welcome home to your Self. The journey begins—or continues—right now, in this moment, with this next breath, with this next conscious choice to honor who you truly are.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness, St. George, Utah – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Community. (2024). What are the 5 C’s of mental health? 24/7 DCT. https://247dct.org/what-are-the-5-cs-of-mental-health/

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model. Sounds True.

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Kevin Brough is a therapist specializing in trauma recovery and treatment. He works with individuals seeking to reclaim their authentic selves and build sustainable foundations for mental and emotional health.

September 10, 2025

Congruency & Harmony

Finding Your Inner Harmony: How Parts Work Can Heal Trauma and Transform Your Life

Discovering the power of working with—rather than against—all aspects of yourself

Have you ever noticed that sometimes you feel like you’re at war with yourself? Maybe part of you desperately wants to pursue a dream, while another part holds you back with fear and doubt. Or perhaps you find yourself being incredibly loving and patient with others, yet harshly critical of yourself. You might even catch yourself saying things like “Part of me wants to…” or “I’m torn between…” without realizing you’re actually describing something profound about how your mind naturally works.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. What you’re experiencing is the natural multiplicity of the human psyche, and understanding this can be the key to profound healing and personal transformation.

The Revolutionary Understanding: You Are Not One, But Many

For decades, psychology has been moving away from the idea that we each have one fixed personality toward recognizing that we all naturally contain multiple aspects or “parts” within ourselves (Schwartz, 2021). This isn’t a sign of mental illness—it’s how healthy minds naturally organize themselves to navigate the complexity of human life.

Think about it: You probably show up differently when you’re at work versus when you’re playing with children. You have a part that’s responsible and organized, another that’s playful and spontaneous, perhaps one that’s cautious and another that’s adventurous. These aren’t different personalities—they’re different facets of your complete self, each with its own wisdom and gifts.

“The goal isn’t to eliminate parts of ourselves, but to create internal harmony where all parts can coexist and contribute their unique strengths.” — Richard Schwartz, creator of Internal Family Systems

When Parts Work Against Each Other: The Roots of Inner Conflict

Problems arise when our parts become polarized against each other or when some parts take over to protect us from old wounds. This often happens as a result of trauma, difficult life experiences, or simply growing up in a world that taught us certain parts of ourselves were “unacceptable.”

For example, if you were hurt or rejected in childhood, you might have developed:

  • A protective part that keeps you isolated to avoid future rejection
  • A critical part that constantly points out your flaws to prevent mistakes
  • A people-pleasing part that sacrifices your needs to maintain a connection
  • A wounded part that still carries the original pain and fear

When these parts operate independently without communication, you end up feeling fragmented, conflicted, and exhausted from the internal battle (Van der Hart et al., 2006).

The Promise of Parts Work: Integration, Not Elimination

Here’s the revolutionary insight that forms the foundation of all parts-based healing approaches: Every part of you developed for good reasons, and every part has gifts to offer. The goal isn’t to eliminate “difficult” parts, but to understand what they’re trying to protect and help them find healthier ways to contribute.

Parts work—whether through Internal Family Systems (IFS), inner child healing, or other related approaches—offers a compassionate pathway to:

  • Understand rather than judge your internal conflicts
  • Heal old wounds that keep parts stuck in protective patterns
  • Integrate all aspects of yourself into a harmonious whole
  • Access your wise, centered Self that can lead with compassion

Your Wise, Unbroken Self: The Leader Within

One of the most hopeful discoveries of parts work is that beneath all the protective patterns and wounded parts lies what IFS calls your “Self”—your essential, wise, and compassionate core, which was never damaged by trauma or difficult experiences (Schwartz, 2021). This Self has the capacity to:

  • Hold space for all your parts with curiosity and compassion
  • Make decisions from wisdom rather than fear
  • Heal the wounds that keep parts stuck in old patterns
  • Lead your internal system with kindness and clarity

When you learn to access and strengthen this Self-leadership, everything changes. Instead of being caught in internal battles, you become the calm, loving presence that can help all your parts feel heard, valued, and safe.

What Parts Work Looks Like: A Journey of Self-Compassion

Parts work isn’t about analyzing yourself into pieces—it’s about developing a loving relationship with every aspect of who you are. In therapy, this might involve:

Getting to Know Your Parts

  • Identifying the different aspects of yourself and the roles they play
  • Understanding what each part is trying to protect or achieve
  • Recognizing when parts are activated by current situations

Healing Old Wounds

  • Helping wounded parts share their stories and pain
  • Providing the care and understanding they needed but didn’t receive
  • Releasing the burdens of shame, fear, and trauma they’ve been carrying

Negotiating New Relationships

  • Helping protective parts trust your Self to handle challenges
  • Finding healthy ways for all parts to express their gifts
  • Creating internal collaboration instead of conflict

Living from Self-Leadership

  • Making decisions from your wise, centered Self
  • Responding to life’s challenges with all your parts’ resources
  • Maintaining internal harmony even during stress

The Profound Healing Possible

When people engage in parts work, they often experience transformations that feel almost miraculous:

  • Inner peace replaces constant self-criticism and conflict
  • Authentic relationships become possible when you’re not hiding parts of yourself
  • Creative expression flows when previously suppressed parts are welcomed
  • Emotional resilience develops as you learn to care for yourself with compassion
  • Life purpose becomes clearer when all your parts can contribute their wisdom

Research has shown that parts-based approaches like IFS are effective for treating trauma, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and relationship difficulties (Hodgdon et al., 2022; Shadick et al., 2013). But beyond symptom relief, people report feeling more whole, authentic, and alive than ever before.

Signs That Parts Work Might Be Right for You

Consider parts work if you:

  • Feel like you’re “at war with yourself” or constantly conflicted
  • Notice harsh self-criticism or perfectionism
  • Experience anxiety, depression, or trauma symptoms
  • Feel disconnected from your authentic self
  • Have relationship patterns you want to change
  • Want to heal from childhood wounds or difficult experiences
  • Feel like some parts of your personality are “stuck” or immature
  • Long to feel more integrated and whole

Beginning Your Journey: First Steps Toward Inner Harmony

If parts work resonates with you, here are some ways to begin:

Start with Self-Compassion

  • Notice when you’re being self-critical and try speaking to yourself with kindness
  • Practice asking, “What is this part of me trying to protect or achieve?”
  • Treat your internal conflicts with curiosity rather than judgment

Pay Attention to Your Inner Voices

  • Notice the different “voices” or perspectives inside you
  • Instead of fighting difficult emotions, try asking what they need
  • Practice thanking your parts for trying to help, even when their methods are outdated

Seek Professional Support

  • Look for therapists trained in parts-based approaches like IFS, inner child work, or other trauma-informed therapy
  • Consider that healing happens in a collaborative relationship—having a compassionate witness can accelerate your journey
  • Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness

A New Way of Being Human

Parts work offers something our culture desperately needs: a way of being human that honors complexity, embraces all emotions, and treats every aspect of ourselves with dignity and respect. Instead of trying to be “perfect” or eliminating parts of yourself you don’t like, you can learn to be a loving leader of your own internal community.

Imagine what it would feel like to:

  • Wake up without that critical voice immediately pointing out everything wrong
  • Make decisions from wisdom and self-love rather than fear
  • Feel confident in who you are, knowing all your parts are valued
  • Approach challenges with the full resources of your integrated self
  • Live authentically without hiding or rejecting parts of yourself

This isn’t fantasy—it’s the natural state of a healthy, integrated human being. And it’s available to you.

Your Invitation to Wholeness

Your journey toward inner harmony begins with a simple but profound shift: instead of fighting against the parts of yourself you don’t like, what if you got curious about what they’re trying to tell you? What if the very aspects of yourself you’ve been trying to change hold keys to your healing and wholeness?

Every part of you—even the ones that seem problematic—developed to help you survive and navigate life’s challenges. They deserve your compassion, not your criticism. And when you learn to lead them with love, they become your greatest allies in creating the life you truly want.

You don’t have to carry the burden of internal conflict alone. Professional support through parts-based therapy can provide the safe, compassionate space you need to heal old wounds, integrate all aspects of yourself, and step into the wholeness that is your birthright.

Your parts have been waiting for someone to listen to them with kindness and understanding. That someone is you—the wise, compassionate Self that has always been there, ready to lead with love.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness, St. George, Utah – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

If you’re interested in exploring parts work therapy, look for licensed mental health professionals trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), inner child work, or trauma-informed parts-based approaches. The journey toward inner harmony is one of the most valuable investments you can make in yourself and your relationships.

References

Hodgdon, H. B., Anderson, F., Southwell, E., Hrubec, W., Schwartz, R., & Tompkins, M. A. (2022). Internal Family Systems therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder among female survivors of childhood sexual abuse: A pilot effectiveness study. Journal of Evidence-Based Social Work, 19(2), 108-125.

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model. Sounds True.

Shadick, N. A., Sowell, N. F., Frits, M. L., Hoffman, S. M., Hartz, S. A., Booth, F. D., Sweezy, M., Rogers, M. P., Duhamel, J. P., & Weinblatt, M. E. (2013). A randomized controlled trial of an Internal Family Systems-based psychotherapeutic intervention on outcomes in rheumatoid arthritis: A proof-of-concept study. Journal of Rheumatology, 40(11), 1831-1841.

Van der Hart, O., Nijenhuis, E. R. S., & Steele, K. (2006). The haunted self: Structural dissociation and the treatment of chronic traumatization. W. W. Norton & Company.

September 9, 2025

Navigating Grief

Navigating Grief: Finding Hope in Our Darkest Hours

When Life Becomes Unbearable: Understanding Loss, Addiction, and Mental Health

Grief is perhaps the most universal human experience, yet it remains one of the most isolating. When we lose someone to addiction, mental illness, or suicide, the pain carries additional layers of complexity—questions that seem to have no answers, guilt that feels unbearable, and a profound sense of helplessness that can shake our faith in everything we once believed.

The truth is that bad things do happen to good people. As Hyrum Smith powerfully stated in his funeral address, “Pain is inevitable. Misery is an option.” This distinction becomes crucial when we find ourselves confronting losses that challenge our understanding of justice, mercy, and the very nature of existence itself.

The Landscape of Grief: Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and the Stages of Loss

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross revolutionized our understanding of grief through her identification of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, when dealing with addiction and mental health-related deaths, these stages often become more complex and cyclical.

Denial in these circumstances might involve refusing to acknowledge the severity of a loved one’s struggles, or later, an inability to accept that they’re truly gone. We might find ourselves saying, “If only I had seen the signs,” or “This can’t be real.”

Anger can be particularly intense and multifaceted. We might feel angry at our loved one for their choices, at ourselves for not doing more, at God for allowing suffering, or at a medical system that seemed inadequate. This anger is natural and necessary—it’s part of the process of trying to make sense of the incomprehensible.

Bargaining often involves endless “what if” scenarios. What if we had intervened sooner? What if treatment had been different? What if we had said something else in that last conversation? These thoughts can become consuming, but they’re part of our mind’s attempt to regain control over an uncontrollable situation.

Depression in these losses often carries additional weight. Beyond missing our loved one, we might grapple with feelings of failure, stigma from society, and questions about whether we could have prevented their death. The depression stage might involve confronting our own mortality and the fragility of mental health.

Acceptance doesn’t mean we’re “okay” with what happened. Instead, it means we’ve found a way to carry the loss while still engaging with life. For those who’ve lost someone to addiction or suicide, acceptance often includes coming to terms with the reality that some battles are beyond our control.

The Question That Haunts: Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

Rabbi Harold Kushner, in his profound work “When Bad Things Happen to Good People,” challenges the traditional notion that suffering is always deserved or meaningful. Sometimes, Kushner argues, bad things happen simply because we live in a world where randomness and human freedom exist alongside divine love.

C.S. Lewis, writing from his own profound grief in “A Grief Observed,” noted that “The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.” Lewis understood that love inherently carries the risk of loss, and that our capacity for joy is inseparable from our vulnerability to sorrow.

Truman G. Madsen, in “Eternal Man,” explores the concept that suffering serves multiple purposes in human development. Some suffering, he suggests, is redemptive—it teaches us empathy, deepens our capacity for love, and connects us more fully to the human experience. However, not all suffering falls into this category. Some pain exists simply because we live in a world where mental illness, addiction, and human frailty are real.

The Particular Pain of Addiction and Mental Health Losses

When we lose someone to addiction or mental health struggles, we’re often confronting what Hyrum Smith (Franklin Covey) called “a mistake”—but a mistake made by someone whose capacity for clear thinking had been compromised by illness. This understanding can be both comforting and complicated.

Mental illness and addiction are diseases that affect the brain’s ability to process reality, make decisions, and hope for the future. The person we loved was fighting a battle against their own neurochemistry, often while society stigmatized their struggle. Understanding this doesn’t eliminate our pain, but it can help us separate the illness from the person we loved.

Dr. Michael Hentrich’s work in psychiatry emphasizes that mental health conditions are medical conditions, not moral failings. When someone dies from diabetes complications, we don’t question their character or their eternal destiny. The same compassionate understanding should apply to those who die from mental health conditions, including addiction.

The Mercy Perspective: Insights from Hyrum Smith

Hyrum Smith’s courageous address at his friend Lowell’s funeral challenges many traditional assumptions about suicide and divine judgment. Speaking from his own experience with serious mistakes and the process of repentance, Smith offered several profound insights:

He posed five crucial questions, three of which he felt qualified to answer. When asking “What is Lowell thinking now?” Smith suggested that, based on his own experience with serious error, his friend was likely experiencing regret, pain, and anguish. But this led to his more critical questions:

“Will the Lord allow Lowell to repent?” Smith’s answer was an emphatic yes, calling the belief that suicide is an unpardonable sin “just flat not true.”

“Will the Lord forgive him?” Again, yes. Smith testified that Lowell would receive all the blessings he rightfully deserved from his remarkable life.

The final question—”Will you?”—places the responsibility for mercy and healing squarely on those left behind.

The Stockdale Paradox: Facing Brutal Facts with Faith

Smith shared the powerful story of Admiral Stockdale and his discovery of three types of people in crisis: pessimists, optimists, and realists. The pessimists saw only the brutal facts and gave up. The optimists ignored the brutal facts and lived in denial. Only the realists—who saw the brutal facts but maintained faith that they could be dealt with—survived.

This framework provides a powerful model for grief. The brutal facts of our loss are real and must be acknowledged. We lost someone precious. They suffered. We couldn’t save them. However, the realist also maintains faith that these brutal facts can be endured, processed, and eventually integrated into a life that still holds meaning and purpose.

The Gift of Forgiveness

One of Smith’s most profound insights concerned the nature of forgiveness. Through spiritual revelation, he learned that “forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. Forgiveness means remembering—but it doesn’t matter anymore.”

This distinction is crucial for those grieving addiction and mental health losses. We may never forget the circumstances of our loved one’s death, the struggle that preceded it, or our own feelings of helplessness. But we can reach a point where remembering doesn’t carry the same crushing weight—where we can hold the memory without being destroyed by it.

Forgiving our loved one doesn’t mean condoning their final choice. It means releasing them from our anger and ourselves from the burden of perpetual judgment. As Smith noted, quoting scripture, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I choose to forgive, but of you, you’re required to forgive all men.”

C.S. Lewis and the Reality of Love and Loss

C.S. Lewis, writing through his own devastating grief after losing his wife Joy, offers perhaps the most honest exploration of grief in Christian literature. In “A Grief Observed,” Lewis wrote, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” He described the physical and emotional reality of loss with unflinching honesty.

Lewis challenged the notion that faith should make grief easier or shorter. Instead, he argued that love necessarily includes the risk of devastating loss. “The pain now is part of the happiness then,” he wrote. The depth of our grief often reflects the depth of our love.

Most importantly, Lewis demonstrated that faith and doubt can coexist in grief. His questions about God’s goodness and presence weren’t signs of weak faith—they were signs of a faith mature enough to wrestle with mystery and contradiction.

Moving Forward: The Wagons Are Ready

Smith concluded his funeral address with a powerful metaphor from pioneer history. When pioneers died on the trail, families would stop to bury their dead and grieve. But eventually, the wagons would be ready to move on because staying meant death for everyone.

This metaphor speaks to the necessity of continuing to live while carrying our grief. The wagons represent life itself—responsibilities, relationships, opportunities for service and joy. They’re waiting for us to finish our necessary work of grieving so we can rejoin the journey.

This doesn’t mean rushing through grief or pretending to be “over it.” It means finding ways to carry our love and loss with us as we continue living. It means believing that our loved one would want us to experience joy again, form new relationships, and find meaning in our continued existence.

Practical Steps for the Journey

Acknowledge the complexity: Grief from addiction and mental health losses often involves guilt, anger, relief, and confusion alongside sadness. All of these feelings are valid and normal.

Seek professional support: Therapists who specialize in grief, particularly complicated grief, can provide tools and perspectives that friends and family may not be able to offer.

Connect with others who understand: Support groups for survivors of suicide or families affected by addiction can provide the understanding that comes only from shared experience.

Practice self-compassion: You didn’t cause your loved one’s illness or death. You couldn’t cure it or prevent it. You are not responsible for their final choices.

Honor their memory fully: Remember the whole person, not just their struggle or their death. Their illness was part of their story, but it wasn’t their entire story.

Consider their perspective: If they could speak to you now, would they want you to be consumed by guilt and sorrow? Or would they want you to find peace, joy, and meaning in your continuing life?

The Eternal Perspective

From an eternal standpoint, the questions that torment us now may seem less significant. Truman Madsen’s “Eternal Man” suggests that our current perspective, shaped by time and mortality, inevitably limits our understanding of justice, mercy, and purpose.

The God described in Smith’s funeral address—the God who “knows the weakness of man and how to succor them who are tempted”—is not a God of harsh judgment for those who struggle with illness. This is a God who sent Jesus precisely because He knew we would need an advocate, someone who understands our weaknesses and provides a way for all mistakes to be repaired.

Finding Hope in the Journey

The journey through grief, particularly grief complicated by addiction and mental health issues, is not linear. There will be good days and terrible days. There will be moments of peace and moments of overwhelming sadness. This is the nature of love continuing beyond physical presence.

But there is hope. Hope that our loved ones are at peace. Hope that their struggles are ended. Hope that love transcends death. Hope that we can learn to carry our grief in ways that honor both their memory and our own continued existence.

As Hyrum Smith testified, “God lives. Jesus is the Christ. He loves everybody in this room. He’ll take care of [our loved ones]. He’ll take care of us, too.”

This is the ultimate comfort for those walking through the valley of grief. We are not alone in our sorrow. We are not forgotten in our pain. And we are not without hope for healing, reunion, and peace.

The wagons are indeed ready when we are. The journey continues, and love travels with us—changed but not diminished, tested but not broken, and ultimately victorious over death itself.

Love & Light, Kevin Brough

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness, St. George, Utah – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

August 28, 2025

Profound Change Work

Change Work: Moving Beyond Surface Behaviors to Deep Transformation

By Kevin Brough, MFT

Introduction

In my years of practice, I’ve come to understand a fundamental truth about human change: You can’t change what you’re not aware of. This simple yet profound statement encapsulates the essence of meaningful therapeutic work and personal transformation. Too often, we focus on behavioral modifications—what I call first-order changes—without addressing the deeper cognitive and emotional systems that drive these behaviors. True, sustainable change requires a systems-based approach that recognizes the interconnected nature of our thoughts, emotions, and actions.

The field of cognitive-behavioral therapy has evolved significantly from its early focus on symptom reduction to a more comprehensive understanding of human change processes. Systems-based CBT recognizes that lasting behavioral change is only possible when we address the underlying cognitive and emotional patterns that maintain problematic behaviors (Mahoney, 1991). This approach acknowledges that human beings are complex systems where changes at one level inevitably impact other levels of functioning.

First-Order vs. Second-Order Change: Understanding the Hierarchy of Transformation

The distinction between first-order and second-order change is crucial for understanding why many therapeutic interventions fail to produce lasting results. First-order changes are surface-level behavioral modifications, such as stopping a habit, following a new routine, or implementing coping strategies. While these changes may provide immediate relief or improvement, they often lack the depth necessary for long-term sustainability.

Second-order change, in contrast, involves fundamental shifts in our cognitive schemas, emotional regulation patterns, and core belief systems (Watzlawick et al., 1974). These more profound changes create the foundation upon which sustainable behavioral modifications can be built. When we address the emotional and cognitive roots of behavior, we create systemic change that naturally supports new ways of being.

Consider, for example, a client struggling with chronic anxiety who learns relaxation techniques. This first-order change may provide temporary relief, but without addressing the underlying cognitive patterns of catastrophic thinking and the emotional dysregulation that fuels the anxiety, the symptoms are likely to return. However, when we help the client develop awareness of their thought patterns, process underlying emotional wounds, and restructure their core beliefs about safety and control, we create second-order change that naturally reduces anxiety at its source.

The Foundation of Change: Awareness, Consciousness, and Mindfulness

The journey toward meaningful change begins with awareness. As I often tell my clients, transformation is impossible without first developing a clear understanding of what needs to be transformed. This awareness operates on multiple levels: cognitive awareness of our thought patterns, emotional awareness of our feeling states, and somatic awareness of our bodily responses to stress and triggers.

Prochaska and DiClemente’s Stages of Change model offers a practical framework for understanding how awareness evolves into action (Prochaska & DiClemente, 1983). The model identifies six stages that individuals progress through when making lasting changes:

Precontemplation

At this stage, individuals are often unaware that a problem exists or that change is necessary. They may be in denial about the impact of their behaviors on themselves and others. The therapeutic work here focuses on raising awareness and helping clients begin to see patterns they previously couldn’t recognize.

Contemplation

Awareness begins to emerge, and individuals start to recognize that change may be beneficial. However, they remain ambivalent, weighing the costs and benefits of change. This stage is characterized by increased self-reflection and exploration of the problem.

Preparation

The decision to change has been made, and individuals begin to take small steps toward transformation. They may start gathering information, seeking support, or making preliminary changes to their environment.

Action

This stage involves implementing specific strategies and behaviors to create change. It requires significant commitment and energy as individuals work to establish new patterns while resisting the pull of old habits.

Maintenance

The focus shifts to sustaining the changes that have been made and preventing relapse. This stage requires ongoing vigilance and the continued use of coping strategies.

Termination

The new behaviors become so integrated that the individual no longer feels tempted to return to old patterns. The change has become an integral part of their identity, rather than something they must actively maintain.

This model illustrates how awareness naturally progresses to ownership and action. Each stage requires specific interventions and support to facilitate movement to the next level of change.

Extending Awareness to Relational Systems

Just as individual change requires awareness of internal patterns, relationship transformation—whether in couples or families—demands an expanded awareness that encompasses the interactive patterns and systemic dynamics between individuals. In my work with couples and families, I’ve observed that sustainable relationship change cannot occur through individual efforts alone; it requires each person to develop awareness of how their individual patterns intersect with and influence the relational system as a whole. This includes recognizing communication patterns, power dynamics, emotional triangles, and the unspoken rules that govern family interactions. For instance, a couple may each work individually on their anger management and communication skills, but without awareness of their cyclical pattern of pursuit and withdrawal, or how their family-of-origin experiences create complementary dysfunctions, their individual changes may actually make more tension in the relationship. True relational transformation occurs when partners or family members can simultaneously hold awareness of their own internal processes while also observing and taking responsibility for their contribution to systemic patterns. This dual awareness—of self and system—allows for coordinated change efforts where individual growth supports rather than threatens the relationship, creating space for authentic intimacy and healthier family functioning.

Developing Emotional Intelligence Through Awareness

Emotional intelligence—the ability to recognize, understand, and regulate our emotions while empathizing with others—is a crucial component of second-order change (Goleman, 1995). Many of the behavioral patterns we seek to change are driven by emotional reactions that occur below the threshold of consciousness. By developing emotional awareness and regulation skills, we gain access to the emotional drivers of our behavior.

The process of developing emotional intelligence begins with what I call “emotional mapping”—learning to identify and name our emotional experiences with precision. Many clients come to therapy with limited emotional vocabulary, describing complex feeling states with simple terms like “stressed” or “upset.” Through mindfulness practices and focused attention, we can cultivate the ability to recognize subtle emotional states and their corresponding cognitive and somatic markers.

This awareness then extends to understanding emotional triggers and patterns. Clients learn to recognize the early warning signs of emotional dysregulation and develop strategies for intervention before reactive patterns take over. This represents a shift from being controlled by emotions to creating a collaborative relationship with our emotional life.

Transformational Skills: The Tools for Change

Once awareness has been established, the next phase involves developing what I term “transformational skills”—the specific abilities needed to create and maintain change. These skills can be broadly categorized into several domains:

Cognitive Restructuring Skills

The ability to identify distorted thought patterns, challenge unhelpful beliefs, and develop more balanced and realistic cognitive frameworks. This includes skills such as thought monitoring, cognitive reframing, and the development of adaptive self-talk (Beck, 1976).

Emotional Regulation Skills

Techniques for managing intense emotions, including distress tolerance, emotion surfing, and developing self-soothing strategies. These skills help individuals remain functional during emotional storms and prevent impulsive reactions (Linehan, 1993).

Interpersonal Skills

The capacity to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and navigate relationships in ways that support rather than undermine change efforts. Many behavioral patterns are maintained by dysfunctional relationship dynamics that must be addressed for lasting change to occur.

Mindfulness and Present-Moment Awareness

The cultivation of non-judgmental awareness of present-moment experience, including thoughts, emotions, sensations, and environmental factors. This skill forms the foundation for all other transformational abilities (Kabat-Zinn, 1994).

Behavioral Activation and Goal-Setting

The ability to identify values-based goals and take consistent action toward their achievement, even in the presence of obstacles or setbacks.

Like any skill set, transformational skills improve with practice and application. Initially, clients may find these skills awkward or challenging to implement. However, with consistent use, they become more natural and automatic, eventually requiring less conscious effort to maintain.

The Neurobiological Foundation of Change

Understanding the brain science behind change can be empowering for both therapists and clients. Neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to reorganize and form new neural connections throughout life—provides the biological foundation for all psychological change (Doidge, 2007). When we engage in new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we literally rewire our brains.

Chronic stress and trauma can create rigid neural pathways that maintain problematic patterns of thinking and behaving. The amygdala, which is responsible for threat detection, can become hyperactive, while the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive functioning and emotional regulation, may become less active. This neurobiological state makes change more difficult but not impossible.

Therapeutic interventions that promote mindfulness, emotional regulation, and cognitive flexibility help strengthen prefrontal cortex functioning while calming amygdala reactivity. Through repeated practice of new skills and behaviors, we create new neural pathways that support healthier patterns of functioning. Over time, these new pathways can become the brain’s preferred routes, making positive changes feel more natural and automatic.

The process of neuroplasticity also explains why change takes time and why consistent practice is essential. Each time we choose a new response over an old pattern, we strengthen the neural pathways associated with the new behavior while weakening those associated with the old pattern. This is why I often tell clients that change is not a destination but a practice—a daily commitment to choosing new responses over familiar ones.

Trauma-Informed Change Work

No discussion of change work would be complete without addressing trauma’s impact on our capacity for transformation. Trauma, whether acute or developmental, creates disruptions in our nervous system that can significantly impact our ability to engage in change processes (van der Kolk, 2014).

Traumatic experiences often overwhelm our natural coping resources, leading to the development of survival strategies that may have been adaptive in dangerous situations but become problematic in current contexts. Many of the behaviors clients want to change—addiction, relationship difficulties, emotional dysregulation—can be understood as trauma responses that have outlived their usefulness.

Trauma-informed change work recognizes that healing must address both the psychological and physiological impacts of traumatic experiences. This often requires a combination of top-down approaches (cognitive interventions that help make sense of experiences) and bottom-up approaches (body-based interventions that help regulate the nervous system).

Top-Down Processing for Change

Top-down approaches work through the neocortex to influence lower brain regions. These interventions include:

  • Cognitive restructuring to address trauma-related beliefs about safety, trust, and self-worth
  • Narrative therapy techniques that help clients develop coherent stories about their experiences
  • Psychoeducation about trauma’s impact on the brain and nervous system
  • Mindfulness practices that strengthen prefrontal cortex functioning

Bottom-Up Processing for Change

Bottom-up approaches work directly with the body and nervous system to promote regulation and healing:

  • Somatic experiencing techniques that help discharge trapped trauma energy
  • Breathwork and other nervous-system regulation practices
  • Movement and dance therapies that help restore natural rhythms
  • EMDR and other therapies that work directly with traumatic memories stored in the body

The most effective trauma-informed change work integrates both approaches, recognizing that healing occurs through multiple pathways and that different clients may respond better to various interventions.

Mastering Awareness: The First Phase of Transformation

The development of awareness is not a one-time achievement but an ongoing practice that deepens over time. I conceptualize this as the first significant phase of personal transformation—learning to observe ourselves with clarity, compassion, and accuracy.

This phase involves several key developments:

Meta-Cognitive Awareness

Learning to observe our thoughts without being controlled by them. This includes recognizing thought patterns, understanding the difference between thoughts and facts, and developing the ability to step back from our mental content.

Emotional Awareness

Developing the capacity to recognize, name, and track our emotional experiences throughout the day. This includes understanding emotional triggers, recognizing the physical sensations associated with various emotions, and learning to tolerate difficult emotional states without resorting to immediate action.

Somatic Awareness

Tuning into the wisdom of the body and recognizing how stress, trauma, and emotional states manifest in physical sensations. This includes learning to use the body as an early warning system for emotional dysregulation.

Relational Awareness

Understanding our patterns in relationships, including how we contribute to relationship dynamics and how our past experiences influence our current interactions.

Values Awareness

Clarifying what matters most to us and understanding when our actions align with or contradict our most deeply held values.

Mastering Transformation: The Second Phase

Once a solid foundation of awareness has been established, the focus shifts to mastering transformation—the skillful application of change strategies in real-world situations. This second phase is characterized by several key developments:

Flexible Response Repertoire

Rather than being limited to automatic reactions, individuals develop multiple options for responding to challenging situations. They can choose responses based on effectiveness rather than habit.

Emotional Regulation Mastery

The ability to remain centered and responsive even in highly charged emotional situations. This includes skills such as self-soothing, distress tolerance, and maintaining perspective during challenging times.

Interpersonal Effectiveness

The capacity to maintain relationships while also maintaining personal boundaries and values. This includes skills for communication, conflict resolution, and collaborative problem-solving.

Resilience and Recovery

The ability to bounce back from setbacks and maintain forward momentum even when progress is not linear. This includes skills for self-compassion, meaning-making, and adaptive coping.

Practical Applications and Interventions

The theoretical framework outlined above translates into specific therapeutic interventions and practices:

Mindfulness-Based Interventions

Regular mindfulness practice helps develop the awareness necessary for change while also strengthening the neural pathways associated with emotional regulation and cognitive flexibility.

Cognitive-Behavioral Techniques

Traditional CBT interventions remain valuable for helping clients identify and modify problematic thought patterns; however, they are most effective when integrated into a broader, systems-based approach.

Somatic Interventions

Body-based interventions help clients develop awareness of how emotions and stress manifest physically while also providing tools for nervous system regulation.

Interpersonal Skills Training

Many behavioral patterns are maintained by dysfunctional relationship dynamics. Teaching clients effective communication and boundary-setting skills often facilitates broader change.

Values Clarification Work

Helping clients identify their core values and align their actions with these values provides motivation and direction for change efforts.

Conclusion

Change work, at its essence, is about helping individuals move from unconscious reactivity to conscious responsivity. This transformation requires more than surface-level behavioral modifications—it demands fundamental shifts in how we think, feel, and relate to ourselves and others.

The journey begins with awareness. As I’ve emphasized throughout my practice, you cannot change what you are not aware of. This awareness must be cultivated patiently and compassionately, recognizing that many of our patterns developed as adaptive responses to earlier life circumstances.

Once awareness is established, the focus shifts to developing transformational skills—the specific abilities needed to create and maintain change. These skills, like any others, improve with practice and become more natural over time.

The integration of top-down and bottom-up approaches ensures that change work addresses both the cognitive and somatic dimensions of human experience. By working with both the mind and body, we create the conditions for profound, lasting transformation.

Perhaps most importantly, this approach recognizes that change is not a destination but a way of life. The skills we develop in therapy become lifelong tools for continued growth and adaptation. As we master awareness and transformation, we build the capacity to navigate life’s challenges with greater skill, resilience, and authenticity.

The work is not easy, but it is profoundly worthwhile. Each moment of increased awareness, each skillful response to a challenging situation, and each choice to act from values rather than habit contribute to the larger project of becoming who we are meant to be. In this way, change work becomes not just about solving problems but about discovering and expressing our fullest potential.

Love & Light

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness, St. George, Utah – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. International Universities Press.

Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. Viking.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it matters more than IQ. Bantam Books.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever you go, there you are: Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. Hyperion.

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.

Mahoney, M. J. (1991). Human change processes: The scientific foundations of psychotherapy. Basic Books.

Prochaska, J. O., & DiClemente, C. C. (1983). Stages and processes of self-change of smoking: Toward an integrative model of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 51(3), 390-395.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

Watzlawick, P., Weakland, J. H., & Fisch, R. (1974). Change: Principles of problem formation and problem resolution. Norton.

August 11, 2025

Somatic Therapy & Healing from Trauma

Somatic Therapy & Healing from Trauma: Understanding the Body’s Memory

An evidence-based exploration of how trauma lives in the body and how somatic approaches facilitate healing

Introduction

The famous words of psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, “The body keeps the score,” have become foundational to our understanding of trauma recovery. Recent research suggests that cellular memory is responsible for our physical and emotional responses to specific events and stimuli, regardless of whether we are in actual physical danger or completely safe (BodyBio, 2024). This emerging understanding of how trauma becomes embodied at the cellular level has profound implications for both trauma survivors and the healthcare providers who work with them.

Somatic therapy represents a paradigm shift from traditional talk therapy approaches by recognizing that trauma is not merely a psychological phenomenon but a whole-body experience that requires whole-body healing. Virtually every behavioral pattern exhibited during routine activities of daily living results from learned data that is stored, or encoded, as cellular memory (Academy for Traumatic Stress Studies, 2025). This article explores the neurobiological foundations of trauma, the role of cellular memory in trauma storage, and how somatic therapy approaches offer pathways to healing that honor the body’s innate wisdom.

The Neurobiological Landscape of Trauma

The Amygdala as Neural Router

Understanding trauma requires appreciating the brain’s alarm system, centered around the amygdala. LeDoux has proposed that in emotional processing, sensory information may access the amygdala via two different routes, called the low road and the high road (Journal of Neuropsychiatry, 2019).

The low road is a direct route to the amygdala from the thalamus, bypassing the cortex, that might promptly elicit fear defense responses without conscious recognition of the threat. By the high road, as soon as the sensory information projects to the thalamus, it is sent to the sensory cortex, insula, and PFC for a more complete analysis (conscious awareness of the conditioned stimulus), then this information is sent to the amygdala (Journal of Neuropsychiatry, 2019).

This dual-pathway system explains why trauma survivors often experience triggered responses before they can consciously process what’s happening. The amygdala essentially functions as a neural router, rapidly linking sensory data with emotional content and determining whether information should be processed through fast, survival-oriented circuits or slower, more deliberate conscious pathways.

Memory Encoding During Trauma

During traumatic events, bursts of adrenaline activate the amygdala, leading isolated sensory fragments to be vividly recalled. Specific sensory details such as visual images, smells, sounds, or felt experiences can be strongly imprinted and recalled (Dr. Arielle Schwartz, 2024).

This explains why trauma memories often lack coherent narrative structure. High arousal emotional and somatic experience disrupts the functioning of the hippocampus, which impairs our ability to recall all of the details or maintain a sense of sequential timing of events. We might have only fragments of sensory information (Dr. Arielle Schwartz, 2024).

The implications of this fragmented encoding are profound. Unlike typical memories that can be recalled and discussed coherently, traumatic memories exist as disconnected sensory fragments, body sensations, and emotional states that can be triggered without conscious awareness or understanding.

Cellular Memory: Where Trauma Lives in the Body

The Science of Embodied Trauma

Recent advances in neuroscience have revealed that trauma’s impact extends far beyond psychological symptoms. As it turns out, every one of our cells, not just neurons, has a kind of cellular memory that remembers and holds onto trauma from years prior, even from infancy when we have no conscious memory of what happened to us (BodyBio, 2024).

During the shock and stress of an event that is perceived as a physical or emotional threat, a special complex of hormonal messenger molecules are released by the limbic-hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal system. These substances encode all the external and internal sensory impressions of the perceived threat as cellular memory (Academy for Traumatic Stress Studies, 2025).

This cellular encoding creates what researchers refer to as “traumatically encoded cellular memory patterns,” which can influence behavior, physical health, and emotional responses long after the original trauma occurred. When a person is not capable or willing or simply doesn’t have the time and resources to process their experience, it is stored in the cells in its raw form. If it is a distressing experience, it is stored as a ‘trauma’ (Vitality Unleashed Psychology, 2024).

The Molecular Basis of Trauma Storage

At the molecular level, trauma appears to affect multiple biological systems simultaneously. One of the most critical molecular findings in PTSD research is that patients exhibit abnormally high GR sensitivity. Central to this finding is the immunophilin Fkpb5 (FK506 binding protein 5), which has become one of the most studied genes in PTSD research (PMC, 2017).

These molecular changes help explain why trauma symptoms can persist even when conscious memory of events may be limited or absent. Emotional memories of traumatic life events are stored in the brain, with anger, grief, worry, stress, and fear often associated with them. Research has now shown that emotional memories, both positive and negative, leave strong impressions on our brains and therefore affect our behaviour (Camino Recovery Spain, 2023).

Physical Trauma and Emotional Integration

The Convergence of Physical and Emotional Pain

When trauma involves both physical injury and emotional distress, the integration of these experiences creates complex neurobiological patterns. A robust body of research demonstrates that prolonged or repeated exposure to stress and trauma can have serious negative consequences for physical and mental health, particularly when stress is experienced early in development (PMC, 2019).

The nervous system doesn’t distinguish between physical and emotional threats in its fundamental alarm responses. Compromised maternal care, including neglect, inconsistency, and lack of sensitivity, is a significant contributor to ELS (early life stress), resulting in increased numbers and function of excitatory synapses upon stress-sensitive neurons in the hypothalamus, a critical structure in coordinating the autonomic response to stress as part of the HPA (Taylor & Francis, 2022).

This helps explain why survivors of physical trauma often experience ongoing emotional and physical symptoms that seem disproportionate to their current circumstances. The body’s alarm system, having been overwhelmed by the combination of physical threat and emotional distress, remains hypervigilant and reactive.

Somatic Processing of Combined Trauma

From a phylogenetically and ontogenetically informed perspective, trauma-related symptomology is conceptualized as grounded in brainstem-level somatic sensory processing dysfunction and its cascading influences on physiological arousal modulation, affect regulation, and higher-order capacities (Frontiers in Neuroscience, 2022).

This understanding suggests that healing from combined physical and emotional trauma requires interventions that address the foundational sensory processing systems. Somatic approaches are particularly well-suited for this integration because they work with the body’s natural capacity for self-regulation and healing.

Somatic Therapy: Working with the Body’s Wisdom

Theoretical Foundations

Somatic therapy emerged from the recognition that traditional talk therapy alone may not be sufficient to address trauma that is stored in the body. Pioneer Peter Levine observed that animals in the wild naturally recover from traumatic experiences through physical discharge and developed Somatic Experiencing based on this observation.

The core principles of somatic therapy include:

Bottom-Up Processing: Rather than starting with cognitive understanding, somatic approaches begin with body sensations and allow awareness to emerge organically.

Window of Tolerance: Developed by Dan Siegel, this concept describes the optimal zone of arousal where healing can occur without overwhelming the nervous system.

Pendulation: The natural movement between states of activation and calm that builds resilience and expands capacity for regulation.

Resource Building: Identifying and strengthening internal and external resources that support nervous system regulation.

The Integration of Polyvagal Theory

Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory provides crucial neurobiological understanding for somatic work. The theory describes three neural circuits:

  1. Social Engagement System (Ventral Vagal Complex): Supports calm, social connection, and optimal functioning
  2. Sympathetic Nervous System: Manages fight-or-flight responses
  3. Dorsal Vagal Complex: Handles immobilization responses, including freeze and collapse

Understanding these systems enables somatic therapists to track client states and intervene effectively. As the body changes, threat detection systems in the primitive brain can be activated. This part of the brain responds strongly to touch, safety, and presence. If a change in the body can be supported, cellular memory can be modified without needing to remember or even understand the traumatic event (Vitality Unleashed Psychology, 2024).

Evidence Base for Somatic Approaches

Research Findings

Multiple studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of somatic trauma therapies:

Somatic Experiencing: A 2017 randomized controlled trial by Brom et al. found that SE was as effective as CBT for PTSD treatment, with particular advantages in reducing physical symptoms and improving quality of life.

Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Research by Langmuir et al. (2012) showed significant improvements in PTSD symptoms, with powerful effects on intrusive symptoms and emotional numbing.

Body-Based Interventions: A meta-analysis by van der Kolk et al. (2014) found that body-based interventions showed significant promise for trauma treatment, particularly for symptoms that don’t respond well to traditional talk therapy alone.

Neurobiological Validation

Brain imaging studies have shown changes in areas affected by trauma following somatic interventions. Using a combination of advanced genetic tools, 3D electron microscopy, and artificial intelligence, Scripps Research scientists reconstructed a wiring diagram of neurons involved in learning. They identified structural changes to these neurons and their connections at the cellular and subcellular levels (NIH, 2025).

This emerging research on neural plasticity supports the premise of somatic therapy, which suggests that the nervous system can reorganize and heal when provided with appropriate interventions.

Clinical Applications and Techniques

Core Somatic Interventions

Sensation Tracking: Teaching clients to notice and describe body sensations without judgment creates the foundation for somatic awareness.

Grounding Techniques: Helping clients connect with the present moment through physical contact with the earth or floor supports nervous system regulation.

Boundary Work: Exploring physical and energetic boundaries helps clients develop a stronger sense of self and safety.

Movement and Discharge: Encouraging natural movements and impulses supports the completion of interrupted defensive responses.

Integration with Other Modalities

Somatic therapy integrates well with other evidence-based approaches:

EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing naturally incorporates bilateral stimulation that supports somatic integration.

Cognitive Processing Therapy: CPT can be enhanced by including body awareness and sensation tracking.

Mindfulness-Based Interventions: These approaches naturally complement somatic work by developing present-moment awareness.

Special Considerations for Different Populations

Cultural Responsiveness

Modern somatic trauma work increasingly recognizes the impact of systemic oppression and collective trauma. This work revealed that experiences, ranging from individual to structural, are embodied, with their effects on the physical body as well as on emotions and cognition (PMC, 2024).

Practitioners must consider:

  • How different cultures relate to the body and healing
  • The impact of systemic oppression on nervous system functioning
  • Accessibility and inclusivity in somatic interventions

Special Populations

Children and Adolescents: Dramatic brain/body transformations occurring during adolescence may provide a highly responsive substrate to external stimuli and lead to trauma-related vulnerability conditions (ScienceDirect, 2023). Somatic approaches for young people must be developmentally appropriate and trauma-informed.

Complex Trauma Survivors: Those with histories of repeated or prolonged trauma may require specialized approaches that build safety and stabilization before processing trauma material.

Advanced Integration: The Alexander Technique and Energy-Based Approaches

Movement Education and Somatic Healing

The Alexander Technique offers valuable integration with somatic trauma work by addressing habitual movement patterns that may perpetuate trauma responses. This method teaches awareness of how we use our bodies and provides tools for conscious choice in movement and posture.

The integration of Alexander principles with somatic trauma work offers several advantages:

  • Pattern Stabilization: Helping clients maintain nervous system changes achieved in therapy
  • Conscious Choice: Teaching the ability to pause before falling into old trauma patterns
  • Functional Integration: Translating healing into improved daily functioning

Energy-Based Integration

Approaches drawn from Reiki, Quantum Touch, and other energy-based modalities can complement somatic trauma work when integrated thoughtfully:

Body Awareness Enhancement: Energy-based hand positions can increase proprioceptive awareness. Nervous System Regulation: Specific breathing patterns combined with gentle touch support parasympathetic activation. Integration Support: Energy-based practices can help anchor and integrate the gains from somatic therapy.

Future Directions and Implications

Emerging Research Areas

Epigenetics: Research on how trauma affects gene expression and how somatic interventions might influence epigenetic changes shows promise for understanding intergenerational trauma transmission and healing.

Collective and Community Trauma: Developing somatic approaches that can address trauma affecting entire communities represents a critical frontier.

Technology Integration: Virtual reality, biofeedback devices, and smartphone applications are now supporting somatic trauma work in innovative ways.

Clinical Integration

The future of trauma treatment lies in integrating somatic approaches with traditional healthcare. Over 70% of individuals experience a traumatic event at least once in their lifetime, with approximately 10% developing posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result (NCBI Bookshelf, 2024).

This prevalence underscores the importance of trauma-informed care across all healthcare settings, with somatic approaches offering valuable tools for assessment and intervention.

Implications for Practitioners

Training and Competency

Effective somatic trauma work requires specialized training that includes:

  • Personal Somatic Work: Practitioners must engage in their own healing to develop the sensitivity required for this work
  • Supervised Practice: Extensive supervision is essential for developing subtle somatic intervention skills
  • Ongoing Education: The field continues to evolve, requiring commitment to lifelong learning

Ethical Considerations

Working with trauma stored in the body requires careful attention to:

  • Informed Consent: Clients must understand the nature of somatic interventions
  • Boundary Awareness: Touch and body-based interventions require clear boundaries and consent processes
  • Cultural Sensitivity: Approaches must be adapted to respect diverse cultural perspectives on the body and healing

Practical Recommendations

For Healthcare Providers

  1. Develop Body Awareness: Cultivate your own somatic awareness to better attune to client’s nervous system states
  2. Learn Basic Nervous System Education: Understanding polyvagal theory and window of tolerance concepts enhances all clinical work
  3. Incorporate Simple Somatic Tools: Basic grounding and breathing techniques can be valuable additions to any therapeutic approach
  4. Seek Training: Consider formal training in somatic approaches to enhance your clinical skillset
  5. Build Referral Networks: Develop relationships with qualified somatic practitioners for appropriate referrals

For Trauma Survivors

  1. Explore Body Awareness: Begin noticing body sensations without trying to change them
  2. Practice Grounding: Simple techniques like feeling your feet on the floor can support nervous system regulation
  3. Seek Qualified Practitioners: Look for therapists trained in somatic approaches when traditional talk therapy isn’t sufficient
  4. Be Patient with the Process: Somatic healing often occurs slowly and requires patience with the body’s natural rhythms
  5. Build Resources: Identify activities, people, and places that help you feel calm and regulated

Conclusion

The emerging understanding of cellular memory and the neurobiological basis of trauma storage represents a significant advancement in our approach to healing and recovery. The first step is becoming aware of the experience, identifying it, and understanding that it is not the memory of the trauma itself that hurts you. It is the perception of the trauma you remember that’s hurting you (Vitality Unleashed Psychology, 2024).

Somatic therapy offers hope for those who have not found relief through traditional approaches alone by honoring the body’s role in both storing and healing trauma. As our understanding of the intricate connections between mind, body, and healing continues to evolve, somatic approaches will likely become increasingly central to comprehensive trauma treatment.

The integration of somatic therapy with other evidence-based approaches, including movement education and energy-based practices, opens new possibilities for healing that address trauma at all levels – from cellular memory to conscious awareness. For both practitioners and survivors, this represents an invitation to trust in the body’s innate wisdom and capacity for healing.

The body truly does keep the score, but it also holds the keys to recovery. Through patient, informed, and skillful somatic work, we can help the nervous system complete interrupted responses, discharge stored trauma, and return to its natural capacity for regulation, connection, and resilience.

As we continue to understand trauma’s impact on the whole person – body, mind, and spirit – somatic approaches offer a pathway back to embodied presence, safety, and wholeness. The future of trauma treatment lies not in choosing between mind and body, but in recognizing their fundamental integration and working with both in the service of healing.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling and Wellness, St. George, Utah – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Academy for Traumatic Stress Studies. (2025). Decoding traumatic memory patterns at the cellular level. Retrieved from https://www.aaets.org/traumatic-stress-library/decoding-traumatic-memory-patterns-at-the-cellular-level

BodyBio. (2024, March 28). The cellular health + trauma connection. Retrieved from https://bodybio.com/blogs/blog/cellular-health-trauma-connection

Bourassa, K. J., & Sbarra, D. A. (2024). Trauma, adversity, and biological aging: Behavioral mechanisms relevant to treatment and theory. Translational Psychiatry, 14, 285. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41398-024-03004-9

Brom, D., Stokar, Y., Lawi, C., Nuriel‐Porat, V., Ziv, Y., Lerner, K., & Ross, G. (2017). Somatic experiencing for posttraumatic stress disorder: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 18(3), 272-283.

Camino Recovery Spain. (2023, August 4). How trauma manifests on a cellular level. Retrieved from https://www.caminorecovery.com/blog/how-trauma-manifests-on-a-cellular-level/

Colich, N. L., Rosen, M. L., Williams, E. S., & McLaughlin, K. A. (2020). Biological aging in childhood and adolescence following experiences of threat and deprivation: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 146(9), 721–764. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000270

Dolcos, F., LaBar, K. S., & Cabeza, R. (2005). Remembering one year later: Role of the amygdala and the medial temporal lobe memory system in retrieving emotional memories. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 102(7), 2626-2631.

Dr. Arielle Schwartz. (2024, December 30). The neurobiology of traumatic memory. Retrieved from https://drarielleschwartz.com/neurobiology-traumatic-memory-dr-arielle-schwartz/

Frontiers in Neuroscience. (2022, October 14). The brain-body disconnect: A somatic sensory basis for trauma-related disorders. Retrieved from https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/neuroscience/articles/10.3389/fnins.2022.1015749/full

Girgenti, M. J., Hare, B. D., Ghosal, S., & Duman, R. S. (2017). Molecular and cellular effects of traumatic stress: Implications for PTSD. Current Psychiatry Reports, 19(11), 85. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-017-0841-3

Journal of Neuropsychiatry. (2019, June 20). Neurobiological evidences, functional and emotional aspects associated with the amygdala. Retrieved from https://www.jneuropsychiatry.org/peer-review/neurobiological-evidences-functional-and-emotional-aspects-associated-with-the-amygdala-from-what-is-it-to-whats-to-be-done-13029.html

Langmuir, J. I., Kirsh, S. G., & Classen, C. C. (2012). A pilot study of body-oriented group psychotherapy: Adapting sensorimotor psychotherapy for the group treatment of trauma. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 4(2), 214-220.

National Institutes of Health. (2025, June 12). Study illuminates the structural features of memory formation at cellular and subcellular levels. Retrieved from https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/study-illuminates-structural-features-memory-formation-cellular-subcellular-levels

NCBI Bookshelf. (2024, August 16). Trauma-informed therapy. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK604200/

PMC. (2017, September 9). Molecular and cellular effects of traumatic stress: Implications for PTSD. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5907804/

PMC. (2019). Neurobiological development in the context of childhood trauma. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6428430/

PMC. (2024). Toward integration of trauma, resilience, and equity theory and practice: A narrative review and call for consilience. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10940235/

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

ScienceDirect. (2023, January 4). The body keeps the score: The neurobiological profile of traumatized adolescents. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0149763423000027

Siegel, D. J. (1999). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Press.

Taylor & Francis. (2022). The neurobiology of childhood trauma, from early physical pain onwards: As relevant as ever in today’s fractured world. Retrieved from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/20008066.2022.2131969

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

van der Kolk, B. A., Stone, L., West, J., Rhodes, A., Emerson, D., Suvak, M., & Spinazzola, J. (2014). Yoga as an adjunctive treatment for posttraumatic stress disorder: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 75(6), e559-e565.

Vitality Unleashed Psychology. (2024, June 23). Cellular memory of trauma. Retrieved from https://www.vitalityunleashed.com.au/cellular-memory-of-trauma/

August 6, 2025

Building Resilience Against Alzheimer’s

Building Resilience Against Alzheimer’s and all forms of dementia: A Therapist’s Guide to Evidence-Based Prevention and Support

By Kevin Brough, MA, MFT

As a Marriage and Family Therapist who has witnessed the devastating impact of Alzheimer’s disease on many families, I’ve become deeply invested in understanding what current research tells us about prevention and early intervention. Having lost my father to this disease and recently my brother to early-onset Alzheimer’s at just 68, I’ve experienced firsthand both the clinical and personal sides of this journey. In searching for answers for myself, my siblings, my family, and my clients and their families, I have been & am deeply invested in finding and implementing any strategies and solutions that make a difference. This article synthesizes evidence-based research on cognitive, behavioral, and lifestyle interventions that may help reduce Alzheimer’s risk and support overall brain health.

Important Disclaimer: The medical, nutritional, and supplementation information presented here is based on published research findings and is not intended as medical advice. I am sharing this information in my capacity as a mental health professional interested in prevention and wellness, not as a medical practitioner. Please consult with your physician, neurologist, or other qualified healthcare providers before making any changes to your medical regimen, diet, or supplement routine. This article is for educational purposes only and should not replace professional medical consultation.

The Intersection of Mental Health and Neurological Wellness

From a therapeutic perspective, Alzheimer’s prevention represents a unique intersection of mental health, behavioral change, and medical wellness. Research increasingly shows that many of the same interventions we use in therapy to promote psychological resilience—stress management, social connection, purposeful living, and cognitive flexibility—also appear to protect against cognitive decline (Livingston et al., 2020).

The concept of “cognitive reserve,” first described by Stern (2002), suggests that individuals who engage in mentally stimulating activities throughout their lives may be better able to maintain cognitive function despite brain pathology. This aligns perfectly with therapeutic principles of growth, adaptability, and resilience that we foster in our clinical work.

Cognitive and Behavioral Interventions: The Therapeutic Foundation

Cognitive Stimulation and Lifelong Learning

As therapists, we understand that the brain’s neuroplasticity continues throughout life. Research by Park et al. (2014) demonstrated that engaging in cognitively demanding activities—learning new skills, languages, or technologies—can improve cognitive function in older adults. In my own recovery from Repetitive Concussive Disorder, I’ve found that returning to language learning (brushing up on Portuguese and Spanish) has been particularly beneficial for rebuilding neural pathways affected by my communication difficulties.

Therapeutic Applications:

  • Encourage clients to engage in novel learning experiences
  • Support exploration of creative pursuits like music, art, or writing
  • Facilitate discussion about lifelong interests that can be rekindled or deepened
  • Help clients reframe learning challenges as growth opportunities rather than failures

Social Connection and Community Engagement

Longitudinal studies consistently show that social isolation increases dementia risk, while strong social networks appear protective (Livingston et al., 2020). From a systemic therapy perspective, this reinforces our understanding that healing and health occur within relationships and community contexts.

Therapeutic Interventions:

  • Group therapy formats for older adults
  • Family therapy to strengthen intergenerational connections
  • Community-based interventions and support groups
  • Volunteer work and meaningful social roles
  • Processing grief and loss to prevent social withdrawal

Stress Management and Emotional Regulation

Chronic stress and elevated cortisol levels have been linked to hippocampal atrophy and increased Alzheimer’s risk (Sotiropoulos et al., 2011). As mental health professionals, we have numerous evidence-based tools for stress reduction that may also support brain health.

Evidence-Based Stress Interventions:

  • Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR): Research by Luders et al. (2013) shows that meditation practice is associated with increased gray matter density in areas involved in learning and memory
  • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): The mindfulness and distress tolerance skills from DBT are particularly valuable for managing the emotional intensity that can accompany cognitive health concerns. Research by Perroud et al. (2013) demonstrates that DBT mindfulness practices can reduce inflammation markers, which are implicated in causing neurodegeneration
  • Somatic Therapy Approaches: Body-based interventions help regulate the nervous system and reduce chronic stress activation. Techniques such as Somatic Experiencing and body awareness practices can help individuals recognize and interrupt stress patterns before they become chronic (van der Kolk, 2014)
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps identify and modify stress-inducing thought patterns
  • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Promotes psychological flexibility and values-based living
  • Breathwork & Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Reduces physiological stress markers

Emotional Regulation and Distress Tolerance

The ability to manage intense emotions without becoming overwhelmed is crucial for both mental health and cognitive preservation. Chronic emotional dysregulation can lead to sustained stress hormone elevation, which research links to hippocampal damage and increased dementia risk (McEwen, 2017).

DBT Skills for Cognitive Health:

  • Distress Tolerance: Learning to tolerate uncertainty about cognitive changes without engaging in harmful behaviors or rumination
  • Emotion Regulation: Identifying and managing emotions related to health anxiety, grief, and fear
  • Mindfulness: Present-moment awareness that reduces anxiety about future cognitive decline
  • Interpersonal Effectiveness: Maintaining relationships and seeking support during health challenges

Somatic Interventions for Nervous System Regulation: Research increasingly shows that trauma and chronic stress are stored in the body, affecting both mental and neurological health (Porges, 2011). Somatic approaches help individuals:

  • Recognize early warning signs of stress activation in the body
  • Develop tools for nervous system regulation and co-regulation
  • Process trauma that may contribute to chronic inflammation
  • Build resilience through body-based resources and grounding techniques

Therapeutic Applications:

  • Body scanning and awareness exercises
  • Breathwork and nervous system regulation
  • Movement therapy and expressive arts
  • Touch and boundary work (when appropriate)
  • Titrated exposure to difficult emotions through somatic awareness

Meaning-Making and Purpose

Viktor Frankl’s logotherapy emphasized that meaning and purpose are fundamental to psychological well-being. Recent research by Kim et al. (2013) found that individuals with a higher purpose in life had a reduced risk of Alzheimer’s disease. This suggests that therapeutic work around life purpose and meaning-making may have neurological benefits beyond psychological ones.

Therapeutic Approaches:

  • Life review and reminiscence therapy
  • Values clarification exercises
  • Legacy work and generativity
  • Exploration of post-career identity and purpose

Lifestyle Factors: The Evidence Base

Physical Exercise and Movement

Research consistently identifies aerobic exercise as one of the most powerful interventions for brain health. Erickson et al. (2011) found that aerobic exercise increased hippocampal volume and improved memory function in older adults. The therapeutic implications are significant—exercise functions as both a biological and psychological intervention.

Evidence-Based Exercise Recommendations:

  • 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity weekly (World Health Organization, 2020)
  • Resistance training 2-3 times per week
  • Balance and coordination exercises (tai chi, yoga)
  • Activities that combine physical and cognitive demands (dancing, sports)

Sleep Optimization

Sleep disturbances are both a risk factor for and an early symptom of Alzheimer’s disease. Research by Mander et al. (2017) shows that sleep disruption accelerates tau protein accumulation in the brain. From a therapeutic standpoint, sleep hygiene becomes a crucial intervention.

Sleep Intervention Strategies:

  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I)
  • Sleep hygiene education
  • Relaxation techniques and bedtime routines
  • Addressing underlying anxiety or depression affecting sleep

Nutritional Considerations

The Mediterranean-DASH Intervention for Neurodegenerative Delay (MIND) diet has shown promise in reducing Alzheimer’s risk (Morris et al., 2015). While nutritional counseling falls outside most therapists’ scope of practice, we can support clients in making behavioral changes around eating habits.

Research-Supported Nutritional Elements:

  • Mediterranean diet patterns emphasizing fish, vegetables, and whole grains
  • Anti-inflammatory foods, including berries, leafy greens, and nuts
  • Limited processed foods and refined sugars
  • Adequate hydration and moderate alcohol consumption

Supplementation Research Findings: Research has examined various supplements for brain health, though results are mixed, and individuals should consult healthcare providers.

  • Omega-3 fatty acids (EPA/DHA) for inflammation reduction (Yurko-Mauro et al., 2010)
  • Vitamin D for neurological function (Annweiler et al., 2013)
  • B-complex vitamins for homocysteine reduction (Smith et al., 2010)
  • Antioxidants like curcumin and resveratrol (Hamaguchi et al., 2010)

Supporting Families: The Systemic Approach

Caregiver Support and Family Dynamics

When working with families affected by Alzheimer’s risk or diagnosis, a systemic approach recognizes that brain health occurs within family and social systems. Research by Brodaty & Donkin (2009) emphasizes the importance of family-centered interventions.

Family-Centered Interventions:

  • Psychoeducation about Alzheimer’s risk and prevention
  • Communication skills training for difficult conversations
  • Caregiver stress management and respite planning
  • Family meeting facilitation for care planning
  • Grief counseling for anticipatory loss

Intergenerational Considerations

Families with Alzheimer’s history face unique challenges around genetic risk, family planning decisions, and intergenerational trauma. Therapeutic work may involve helping families navigate these complex emotional territories while maintaining hope and agency.

Early Intervention and Monitoring

Cognitive Assessment and Monitoring

While formal neuropsychological testing requires specialized training, therapists can be alert to cognitive changes that warrant referral. Research by Petersen et al. (2018) emphasizes the importance of early detection and intervention in mild cognitive impairment.

Clinical Observations:

  • Changes in executive functioning or decision-making
  • Increased difficulty with complex tasks
  • Language or communication changes
  • Personality or mood alterations
  • Social withdrawal or behavioral changes

Building Cognitive Reserve Through Therapy

Therapeutic work itself may contribute to cognitive reserve building. Engaging in psychotherapy requires complex cognitive processes—memory, executive function, emotional regulation, and social cognition—that may strengthen neural networks.

Therapy as Cognitive Exercise:

  • Narrative therapy and storytelling
  • Problem-solving and decision-making processes
  • Emotional processing and integration through both cognitive and somatic approaches
  • Insight development and self-reflection
  • Relationship skill building
  • DBT Skills Practice: The cognitive demands of learning and applying DBT skills—mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness—provide excellent cognitive exercise while building practical life skills
  • Somatic Integration: Body-based processing that integrates cognitive insights with felt sense awareness, promoting whole-brain engagement

Addressing the Emotional Impact

Managing Anxiety About Cognitive Decline

For individuals with a family history of Alzheimer’s, anxiety about cognitive changes can become overwhelming and paradoxically impair cognitive function. Therapeutic intervention focuses on finding the balance between appropriate precaution and excessive worry.

Therapeutic Strategies:

  • DBT Distress Tolerance Skills: “TIPP” (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, Progressive muscle relaxation) for managing acute anxiety about cognitive changes
  • Somatic Grounding Techniques: Body-based interventions to interrupt anxiety spirals and return to present-moment awareness
  • Uncertainty tolerance building
  • Realistic risk assessment and education
  • Control vs. influence discrimination
  • Mindfulness and present-moment awareness

Body-Based Anxiety Management: Somatic therapy recognizes that anxiety about cognitive health often manifests physically before becoming conscious thoughts. Teaching clients to recognize physical sensations of anxiety—tension, shallow breathing, racing heart—allows for earlier intervention and prevents escalation into panic or rumination.

Processing Grief and Loss

Families dealing with Alzheimer’s experience multiple losses—the gradual loss of the person they knew, changes in relationships, and fears about their own futures. This anticipatory grief requires skilled therapeutic support.

Grief-Informed Interventions:

  • Ambiguous loss framework (Boss, 2000)
  • Continuing bonds theory
  • Ritual and ceremony for marking transitions
  • Family storytelling and legacy preservation
  • Support for disenfranchised grief

Prevention as Empowerment

Perhaps most importantly, focusing on evidence-based prevention strategies can restore a sense of agency and hope to individuals and families who may feel helpless in the face of genetic risk. While we cannot control our genetic inheritance, research suggests we may be able to influence when, how, or if these genes are expressed through our lifestyle choices.

Conclusion

The emerging research on Alzheimer’s prevention offers hope and concrete actions for individuals and families concerned about cognitive decline. As mental health professionals, we are uniquely positioned to support the psychological and behavioral aspects of brain health while working collaboratively with medical providers on the biological components.

The interventions that support cognitive health—stress management, social connection, purposeful living, and psychological resilience—align perfectly with our therapeutic goals. By integrating this knowledge into our practice, we can offer our clients not just symptom relief, but potentially life-changing prevention strategies.

The journey of brain health is ultimately about living fully and intentionally, maintaining connections, and continuing to grow throughout our lives. These are the same goals we pursue in all our therapeutic work—making this integration both natural and essential.

For information or to work therapeutically with the Author:

Contact Ascend Counseling & Wellness 435-688-1111 or email kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Annweiler, C., Llewellyn, D. J., & Beauchet, O. (2013). Low serum vitamin D concentrations in Alzheimer’s disease: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease, 33(3), 659-674.

Boss, P. (2000). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Harvard University Press.

Brodaty, H., & Donkin, M. (2009). Family caregivers of people with dementia. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 11(2), 217-228.

Erickson, K. I., Voss, M. W., Prakash, R. S., Basak, C., Szabo, A., Chaddock, L., … & Kramer, A. F. (2011). Exercise training increases size of hippocampus and improves memory. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 108(7), 3017-3022.

Hamaguchi, T., Ono, K., & Yamada, M. (2010). Curcumin and Alzheimer’s disease. CNS Neuroscience & Therapeutics, 16(5), 285-297.

Kim, E. S., Sun, J. K., Park, N., Kubzansky, L. D., & Peterson, C. (2013). Purpose in life and reduced risk of myocardial infarction among older US adults with coronary heart disease: A two-year follow-up. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 36(2), 124-133.

Livingston, G., Huntley, J., Sommerlad, A., Ames, D., Ballard, C., Banerjee, S., … & Mukadam, N. (2020). Dementia prevention, intervention, and care: 2020 report of the Lancet Commission. The Lancet, 396(10248), 413-446.

Luders, E., Toga, A. W., Lepore, N., & Gaser, C. (2009). The underlying anatomical correlates of long-term meditation: Larger hippocampal and frontal volumes of gray matter. NeuroImage, 45(3), 672-678.

Mander, B. A., Winer, J. R., Jagust, W. J., & Walker, M. P. (2016). Sleep: A novel mechanistic pathway, biomarker, and treatment target in the pathology of Alzheimer’s disease? Trends in Neurosciences, 39(8), 552-566.

Morris, M. C., Tangney, C. C., Wang, Y., Sacks, F. M., Bennett, D. A., & Aggarwal, N. T. (2015). MIND diet associated with reduced incidence of Alzheimer’s disease. Alzheimer’s & Dementia, 11(9), 1007-1014.

Park, D. C., Lodi-Smith, J., Drew, L., Haber, S., Hebrank, A., Bischof, G. N., & Aamodt, W. (2014). The impact of sustained engagement on cognitive function in older adults: The Synapse Project. Psychological Science, 25(1), 103-112.

McEwen, B. S. (2017). Neurobiological and systemic effects of chronic stress. Chronic Stress, 1, 2470547017692328.

Perroud, N., Nicastro, R., Jermann, F., & Huguelet, P. (2012). Mindfulness skills in borderline personality disorder patients during dialectical behavior therapy: Preliminary results. International Journal of Psychiatry in Clinical Practice, 16(3), 189-196.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Petersen, R. C., Lopez, O., Armstrong, M. J., Getchius, T. S., Ganguli, M., Gloss, D., … & Rae-Grant, A. (2018). Practice guideline update summary: Mild cognitive impairment: Report of the Guideline Development, Dissemination, and Implementation Subcommittee of the American Academy of Neurology. Neurology, 90(3), 126-135.

Smith, A. D., Smith, S. M., de Jager, C. A., Whitbread, P., Johnston, C., Agacinski, G., … & Refsum, H. (2010). Homocysteine-lowering by B vitamins slows the rate of accelerated brain atrophy in mild cognitive impairment: A randomized controlled trial. PLoS One, 5(9), e12244.

Sotiropoulos, I., Catania, C., Pinto, L. G., Silva, R., Pollerberg, G. E., Takashima, A., … & Sousa, N. (2011). Stress acts cumulatively to precipitate Alzheimer’s disease-like tau pathology and cognitive deficits. Journal of Neuroscience, 31(21), 7840-7847.

Stern, Y. (2002). What is cognitive reserve? Theory and research application of the reserve concept. Journal of the International Neuropsychological Society, 8(3), 448-460.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

World Health Organization. (2020). WHO guidelines on physical activity and sedentary behaviour. World Health Organization.

Yurko-Mauro, K., McCarthy, D., Rom, D., Nelson, E. B., Ryan, A. S., Blackwell, A., … & Stedman, M. (2010). Beneficial effects of docosahexaenoic acid on cognition in age-related cognitive decline. Alzheimer’s & Dementia, 6(6), 456-464.

MIND DietDownload
July 17, 2025

The Best Positive Solution for Parenting

Building Emotionally Intelligent Children: Where Gottman Meets The Parenting Pyramid

As parents, we’re constantly seeking frameworks that help us raise children who are not only successful but genuinely happy and emotionally healthy. Two powerful approaches have shaped my understanding of effective parenting: John Gottman’s research on emotional intelligence in children and The Arbinger Institute’s revolutionary Parenting Pyramid. When combined, these methodologies create a comprehensive roadmap for nurturing emotionally intelligent, self-aware children.

The Foundation: Understanding Our Own Heart

The Arbinger Institute’s Parenting Pyramid places “heart” at its foundation – the recognition that our internal state as parents fundamentally shapes our children’s development. This aligns perfectly with Gottman’s emphasis on parents becoming “emotion coaches” for their children. Before we can guide our children through their emotional landscape, we must first examine our own.

When we’re in what Arbinger calls the “box” – viewing our children as objects rather than people – we unconsciously transmit this energy to them. Our children sense when we see them as problems to be solved, projects to be completed, or reflections of our own success or failure. This objectifying mindset creates emotional distance and prevents the very connection that Gottman identifies as essential for emotional coaching.

The path forward requires us to step out of the box and see our children as whole people with their own hopes, fears, dreams, and legitimate needs. This shift in perspective creates the emotional safety necessary for authentic connection and learning.

The Framework: Gottman’s Emotion Coaching

Gottman’s research reveals that emotionally intelligent children have parents who serve as emotion coaches. These parents follow a five-step process:

  1. Becoming aware of emotions – both their own and their children’s
  2. Recognizing emotions as opportunities for connection and teaching
  3. Listening empathetically and validating their child’s feelings
  4. Helping children label emotions and understand their emotional vocabulary
  5. Setting limits while problem-solving together

This process only works when built on the foundation of genuine care for our children as people, not just as recipients of our parenting techniques.

The Integration: Seeing Through Clear Eyes

When we combine these approaches, we discover that effective emotional coaching requires us to be “out of the box” in our fundamental orientation toward our children. Consider this scenario:

Your eight-year-old comes home from school upset because a friend excluded them from a group activity. If we’re in the box, we might:

  • Immediately jump to problem-solving mode
  • Minimize their feelings (“You’re being too sensitive”)
  • Make it about us (“This reflects poorly on how I’ve raised you”)
  • Focus on changing the child rather than understanding them

But when we’re out of the box, seeing our child as a person with legitimate feelings, we can engage in authentic emotion coaching:

Awareness: We notice our child’s emotional state and our own reaction to it.

Opportunity: We recognize this as a chance to deepen our connection and help our child develop emotional skills.

Empathy: We listen fully, validating their experience: “That sounds really hurtful. It makes sense that you’d feel left out.”

Labeling: We help them identify and articulate their emotions: “It sounds like you’re feeling disappointed and maybe a little angry too.”

Problem-solving: Together, we explore ways to handle similar situations in the future while maintaining appropriate boundaries.

The Transformation: From Technique to Relationship

The magic happens when we realize that emotional intelligence isn’t something we teach our children – it’s something we model and co-create with them. When our hearts are right, when we genuinely see our children as people worthy of respect and understanding, the techniques become natural expressions of our care rather than manipulative tools.

This integration requires us to:

Examine our motivations regularly: Are we emotion coaching because we genuinely want to help our child, or because we want to appear like good parents? The energy behind our actions matters more than the actions themselves.

Practice self-regulation: We cannot teach emotional intelligence while we’re emotionally dysregulated. Taking time to center ourselves before engaging with our children’s emotions is crucial.

Embrace the learning process: Both we and our children are learning to navigate emotions together. Perfection isn’t the goal – connection and growth are.

The Daily Practice: Small Moments, Big Impact

Emotional intelligence develops through countless small interactions rather than grand gestures. When we maintain an out-of-the-box heart toward our children, we naturally create more opportunities for emotional coaching:

  • The bedtime routine becomes a time for emotional check-ins
  • Car rides transform into safe spaces for sharing feelings
  • Conflicts become opportunities for teaching rather than battles to be won
  • Mistakes become learning moments rather than failures

The Long-term Vision: Raising Emotionally Intelligent Adults

When we consistently approach our children from this integrated perspective, we’re not just helping them manage their current emotions – we’re building the foundation for their future relationships, their resilience in facing life’s challenges, and their capacity to make meaningful contributions to the world.

Children who grow up with parents who see them clearly and coach them emotionally develop:

  • Strong self-awareness and emotional vocabulary
  • Healthy relationship skills
  • Resilience in facing difficulties
  • Empathy for others
  • Confidence in their ability to navigate life’s complexities

The Invitation: Start Where You Are

You don’t need to be perfect to begin this journey. Start by examining your own heart. In your next interaction with your child, pause and ask yourself: “Am I seeing them as a person right now, or as a problem to be solved?” Let that awareness guide you toward more authentic connection.

Remember, the goal isn’t to raise children who never feel difficult emotions – it’s to raise children who can navigate their emotional world with wisdom, compassion, and resilience. When we combine the clear vision of an out-of-the-box heart with the practical tools of emotion coaching, we create the conditions for our children to thrive emotionally and relationally.

The path to raising emotionally intelligent children begins with our own transformation. As we learn to see our children clearly and coach them with genuine care, we discover that we’re not just shaping their emotional development – we’re deepening our own capacity for love, understanding, and authentic connection.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111

July 3, 2025

Discover Your Purpose

Discover Your Governing Purpose: The Secret to Living a Life That Truly Matters

Why the most successful organizations—and people—all have one thing in common

The Wake-Up Call Most of Us Need

Picture this: You’re lying in bed on a Sunday night, that familiar knot forming in your stomach as you think about Monday morning. You’ve got a decent job, your bills are paid, and from the outside, everything looks fine. But deep down, something feels… missing. You go through the motions, check the boxes, but you can’t shake the feeling that you’re living someone else’s life.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Studies show that 70% of people feel disengaged from their daily activities, and many report feeling like they’re just “going through the motions” rather than living with intention and purpose (Gallup, 2023).

But here’s what the most successful companies—and the happiest people—know that others don’t: they all have a governing purpose.

What Is a Governing Purpose (And Why You Need One)?

A governing purpose isn’t just a fancy mission statement you frame and forget. It’s your fundamental reason for existing—the core principle that guides every decision you make and gives meaning to everything you do.

Think about companies like Patagonia, whose purpose is “to save our home planet,” or Disney, which exists “to entertain, inform and inspire people around the globe.” These aren’t just marketing slogans—they’re the North Star that guides every business decision, from product development to hiring practices.

When applied to your personal life, a governing purpose becomes your internal compass, helping you navigate life’s complexities with clarity and confidence. Research from the University of Michigan found that people with a strong sense of purpose live an average of seven years longer and report significantly higher levels of life satisfaction (Hill & Turiano, 2014).

The Science Behind Purpose-Driven Living

The benefits of having a clear governing purpose aren’t just feel-good psychology—they’re backed by solid research:

Physical Health Benefits

  • Better sleep quality: People with purpose report 63% less sleep disturbance (Kim et al., 2015)
  • Stronger immune system: Purpose-driven individuals show better stress resilience
  • Increased longevity: Clear purpose correlates with a 15% reduction in mortality risk

Mental and Emotional Benefits

  • Lower rates of depression: Purpose acts as a protective factor against mental health challenges (Pfund & Lewis, 2020)
  • Greater resilience: People with purpose bounce back faster from setbacks
  • Enhanced decision-making: Clear values make choices easier and more satisfying

Relationship Benefits

  • Deeper connections: Purpose-driven people attract like-minded individuals
  • Better conflict resolution: Shared values provide a framework for working through differences
  • Stronger families: Children of purpose-driven parents show better outcomes across multiple measures

Your Governing Purpose vs. Your Goals

Here’s where most people get confused: your governing purpose isn’t the same as your goals.

Goals are what you want to achieve—lose 20 pounds, get promoted, buy a house. Purpose is why those things matter to you and how they connect to your deeper values.

For example:

  • Goal: “I want to get promoted to manager”
  • Purpose-driven approach: “I want to develop my leadership skills so I can mentor others and create positive change in my organization because I believe in helping people reach their potential”

See the difference? The goal is just a stepping stone; the purpose is the foundation that gives the goal meaning and sustains your motivation when things get tough.

The Four Pillars of Your Personal Governing Purpose

Based on organizational research and positive psychology, every strong governing purpose rests on four pillars:

1. Core Identity – Who You Are

This is about understanding your authentic self—your values, strengths, and the experiences that have shaped you. It’s not who you think you should be or who others expect you to be, but who you truly are at your core.

2. Guiding Principles – What Matters Most

These are your non-negotiable values—the principles that guide your decisions and behavior. They’re the standards you won’t compromise, even when it’s difficult or costly.

3. Impact Vision – How You Contribute

This is about the positive difference you want to make in the world, whether that’s in your family, your workplace, your community, or beyond. It’s your unique contribution to making things better.

4. Future Legacy – What You Leave Behind

This is the long-term impact of your life—how you want to be remembered and what lasting change you want to create. It’s bigger than your immediate goals and connects to something that will outlast you.

Why Most People Never Find Their Purpose (And How to Avoid These Traps)

Trap #1: Waiting for the Lightning Bolt

The myth: Purpose will strike you like lightning in a dramatic moment of clarity. The reality: Purpose is usually discovered through reflection, experimentation, and gradual clarity over time.

Trap #2: Thinking It Has to Be Grand

The myth: Your purpose must be world-changing and dramatic. The reality: Purpose can be found in everyday roles—being an exceptional parent, teacher, or friend can be just as meaningful as starting a nonprofit.

Trap #3: Confusing Purpose with Passion

The myth: Follow your passion and purpose will follow. The reality: Purpose often emerges from the intersection of what you’re good at, what the world needs, and what brings you fulfillment—passion is just one piece of the puzzle.

Trap #4: Making It All About You

The myth: Purpose is about self-fulfillment. The reality: The most fulfilling purposes involve contributing to something bigger than yourself.

Real-Life Purpose Transformations

Sarah, Marketing Manager → Community Builder Sarah felt stuck in a corporate marketing role until she realized her true purpose was building connections between people. She started a neighborhood group that now serves 500 families, and eventually transitioned to work for a community development nonprofit. “I’m still using my marketing skills,” she says, “but now they’re serving my deeper purpose of bringing people together.”

Mike, Burned-Out Lawyer → Purpose-Driven Legal Advocate Mike was making six figures but felt empty inside. Through purpose exploration, he discovered his core value was justice for the underserved. He transitioned to legal aid work, took a pay cut, but says he’s never been happier. “I finally feel like my work matters.”

The Johnson Family → Community Impact Team The Johnsons felt disconnected as a family until they developed a shared purpose around environmental stewardship. Now they volunteer together monthly, have reduced their carbon footprint by 60%, and their teenage kids are more engaged and motivated than ever.

Getting Started: Your Purpose Discovery Journey

Discovering your governing purpose isn’t a weekend project—it’s an ongoing journey of self-discovery and refinement. But you can start today with these proven approaches:

The Values Archaeology Method

Look back at moments when you felt most alive, energized, and authentic. What values were you expressing? What principles were you honoring? These peak experiences often reveal your core values.

The Future Legacy Exercise

Imagine you’re 90 years old, looking back on your life. What would make you feel proud? What would you regret not doing? What impact would you want to have had? This exercise helps clarify what truly matters to you.

The Intersection Analysis

Draw three circles representing: (1) What you’re naturally good at, (2) What brings you joy and energy, and (3) What the world needs. Your purpose likely lives at the intersection of these three areas.

The Service Test

Ask yourself: “How can my unique combination of talents, experiences, and passions serve others?” Purpose almost always involves contributing to something beyond yourself.

The Ripple Effect: How Your Purpose Impacts Others

Here’s the beautiful thing about living with purpose: it’s contagious. When you’re clear on your governing purpose and living it authentically, you give others permission to do the same.

Research shows that purpose-driven people:

  • Inspire better performance in their teams (Grant, 2008)
  • Raise more resilient, motivated children (Malin et al., 2014)
  • Create stronger, more satisfying relationships (Burrow & Hill, 2011)
  • Contribute more meaningfully to their communities

Your purpose doesn’t just change your life—it creates ripples that extend far beyond what you can see.

The Cost of Living Without Purpose

Let’s be honest about what’s at stake here. Living without a clear governing purpose isn’t just about missing out on fulfillment—it has real costs:

Personal Costs

  • Decision fatigue: Without clear values, every choice becomes exhausting
  • Regret and resentment: Years of living someone else’s priorities
  • Chronic stress: Misalignment between values and actions creates ongoing tension
  • Missed opportunities: Lack of clarity leads to poor choices and missed chances

Relationship Costs

  • Shallow connections: Without knowing yourself, it’s hard to form deep relationships
  • Family conflict: Unclear values lead to inconsistent parenting and partnership decisions
  • Professional stagnation: Lack of purpose makes it harder to advance meaningfully in your career

Societal Costs

  • Wasted talent: The world misses out on your unique contributions
  • Decreased community engagement: People without purpose are less likely to volunteer or contribute
  • Intergenerational impact: Children of purpose-less parents struggle more with direction and meaning

Your Purpose Evolution: It’s Not Set in Stone

Here’s something important to understand: your governing purpose can evolve. The values at your core may remain consistent, but how you express them and the specific ways you contribute to the world can change as you grow and as circumstances shift.

A mother’s purpose might evolve from “nurturing my children” to “supporting other parents” as her kids grow up. An engineer’s purpose might shift from “building innovative products” to “mentoring the next generation of creators.”

This evolution is natural and healthy—it means you’re growing and adapting while staying true to your core values.

Taking the Next Step

If you’ve read this far, something is stirring inside you. Maybe it’s excitement about the possibility of living with greater purpose, or maybe it’s the recognition that you’ve been living on autopilot for too long.

Either way, you’re ready to take the next step.

Professional purpose development can help you:

  • Clarify your core values and authentic identity
  • Identify the unique contribution you’re meant to make
  • Align your goals and decisions with your deeper purpose
  • Navigate life transitions with greater confidence
  • Build stronger, more meaningful relationships
  • Create a legacy you’re proud of

Whether you work with a coach, join a purpose development program, or engage in structured self-exploration, the investment you make in discovering and developing your governing purpose will pay dividends for the rest of your life.

Questions to Spark Your Purpose Discovery

Take a few minutes to reflect on these questions. Don’t overthink them—let your instincts guide your initial responses:

Core Identity Questions

  1. What are you doing when you feel most like yourself? Think about moments when you feel authentic, energized, and aligned.
  2. What compliments do you receive that feel most meaningful? Often, others see our gifts more clearly than we do.
  3. What life experiences have shaped you most significantly? Both challenges and triumphs reveal our values and resilience.

Values and Principles Questions

  1. What injustice or problem in the world bothers you most? Our outrage often points to our values.
  2. When you’re making a difficult decision, what principles do you never want to compromise? These are your non-negotiables.
  3. What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? This reveals what you’d pursue if fear wasn’t a factor.

Impact and Contribution Questions

  1. What unique combination of skills, experiences, and perspectives do you bring to the world? Everyone has a unique “recipe” of gifts.
  2. How do you most naturally help or serve others? Look at patterns in how you support friends, family, and colleagues.
  3. What would the people closest to you say is your greatest strength or gift? Sometimes we’re blind to our own superpowers.

Legacy and Vision Questions

  1. If you could solve one problem in the world, what would it be? This reveals what you care most deeply about.
  2. What do you want to be remembered for? Think beyond achievements to the impact you had on others.
  3. What would need to be true for you to feel proud of your life at age 90? This long-term perspective clarifies what really matters.

Integration Question

  1. Complete this sentence: “I feel most fulfilled when I am…” Let your intuition guide this response—it often reveals your purpose in its simplest form.

Your governing purpose is waiting to be discovered. The question isn’t whether you have one—it’s whether you’ll take the time to uncover it and have the courage to live it.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

References

Burrow, A. L., & Hill, P. L. (2011). Purpose as a form of identity capital for positive youth adjustment. Developmental Psychology, 47(4), 1196-1206.

Gallup. (2023). State of the global workplace report. Gallup Press.

Grant, A. M. (2008). The significance of task significance: Job performance effects, relational mechanisms, and boundary conditions. Journal of Applied Psychology, 93(1), 108-124.

Hill, P. L., & Turiano, N. A. (2014). Purpose in life as a predictor of mortality across adulthood. Psychological Science, 25(7), 1482-1486.

Kim, E. S., Hershner, S. D., & Strecher, V. J. (2015). Purpose in life and incidence of sleep disturbances. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 38(3), 590-597.

Malin, H., Reilly, T. S., Quinn, B., & Moran, S. (2014). Adolescent purpose development: Exploring empathy, discovering roles, shifting priorities, and creating pathways. Applied Developmental Science, 18(1), 17-26.

Pfund, G. N., & Lewis, N. A. (2020). Aging with purpose: Developmental science perspectives on purpose in life. Current Opinion in Psychology, 36, 87-92.

Schwartz, S. H. (2012). An overview of the Schwartz theory of basic values. Online Readings in Psychology and Culture, 2(1), 11-20.