Navigating the Terrain of Grief: A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding Loss and Finding Hope

Kevin Brough, MAMFT

---

Introduction

Grief is one of the most universal yet intensely personal experiences we face as human beings. Whether you’re the person who has lost someone, a family member watching a loved one struggle, or a professional trying to provide support, grief touches all of us differently. Over my years working as a marriage and family therapist, I’ve sat with countless individuals navigating the crushing weight of loss—parents who’ve lost children, spouses mourning partners, and yes, fathers grappling with the unthinkable pain of losing a son.

What I’ve learned is this: grief doesn’t follow a script. It doesn’t adhere to timelines or neat stages. It’s messy, nonlinear, and at times, completely overwhelming. But I’ve also witnessed something remarkable—the human capacity for resilience, for finding meaning even in the darkest moments, and for eventually discovering a way to carry loss while still embracing loss while still embracing life.

This article explores grief from multiple perspectives—the griever, the family system, and the helping professional—while offering practical, evidence-based interventions and resources that can make a real difference when you’re struggling to find solid ground.

Understanding Grief: More Than Just Stages

For decades, we’ve been taught about Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kübler-Ross, 1969). While this model has value, it can also be limiting. Grief isn’t a straight line you walk from denial to acceptance. It’s more like being tossed around in ocean waves—sometimes you’re treading water, sometimes a wave knocks you under, and sometimes you find yourself floating in calm waters, only to be hit by another swell you didn’t see coming.

The Dual Process Model, developed by Stroebe and Schut (1999), captures this reality more accurately. This framework recognizes that people oscillate between two types of coping: loss-oriented activities (confronting the pain, yearning for the person, focusing on the loss itself) and restoration-oriented activities (adapting to new roles, building new routines, taking breaks from grieving). Both are necessary. Both are healthy.

Think about it this way: you can’t stare directly at the sun without looking away, and you can’t stare directly at your grief without taking breaks either. Those moments when you laugh at a memory, get absorbed in work, or enjoy a meal aren’t betrayals of your loved one—they’re necessary oscillations that allow you to integrate loss into your life rather than being consumed by it.

Worden’s (2010) Four Tasks of Mourning offers another helpful framework that emphasizes the active nature of grief work. These tasks include accepting the reality of the loss, processing the pain, adjusting to a world without the deceased, and finding an enduring connection while moving forward. Notice these are tasks, not stages—things we work toward, not boxes we check off.

The Griever’s Perspective: When You’re in the Eye of the Storm

If you’re reading this while actively grieving, I want you to know something: whatever you’re feeling right now is valid. The crushing sadness, the anger, the numbness, the moments when you forget they’re gone only to remember again—all of it is part of this journey. You have the right to grieve in your own way, on your own timeline, without pressure to feel or respond in ways that others expect.

Recognizing You’re Not Alone

While your experience of grief is uniquely yours—shaped by your relationship, your history, your personality—loss itself is part of the broader human experience. Every person who has ever loved has eventually faced loss. This doesn’t minimize your pain, but it does mean you’re not walking this path in isolation. Millions have walked it before you, millions walk it now, and connecting with that shared humanity can provide unexpected comfort (Neimeyer, 2015).

Understanding Your Unique Grief Pattern

Grief is multidimensional, affecting us physically, emotionally, cognitively, behaviorally, and spiritually. You might experience insomnia, loss of appetite, difficulty concentrating, changes in how you relate to others, or questions about meaning and purpose. Some people feel everything intensely; others feel numb. Some need to talk constantly; others need solitude. Understanding your particular pattern of grieving—without judgment—can help you work with your grief rather than against it (Worden, 2010).

Self-Interventions That Actually Help

1. Give yourself permission to oscillate. Based on the Dual Process Model, healthy grieving means moving between confronting your loss and taking breaks from it (Stroebe & Schut, 1999). There’s a fine line between avoidance and helpful distraction. Complete avoidance keeps you from processing what needs to be processed, but healthy temporary respite—watching a movie, going for a walk, spending time with a friend—gives your system the break it needs to continue facing the grief. Don’t shame yourself when you need to distract yourself or when waves of grief hit you unexpectedly. Both are necessary.

2. Journal your way through. Research consistently shows that expressive writing helps process grief (Neimeyer, 2015). Consider committing to 40 days of grief journaling—even just five minutes a day. Write about your loved one, your memories, your anger, your confusion, your gratitude. Write letters to them expressing what you never got to say. Use metaphors that capture what grief feels like for you—is it like drowning? Like carrying a heavy backpack? Like living in fog? These images can help you access and process feelings that don’t easily translate into straightforward language.

3. Create tangible connections. Worden (2010) emphasizes finding ways to maintain bonds with the deceased while building a new life. This might mean keeping photos visible, wearing their clothing or jewelry, creating a memorial space, or carrying a meaningful object. Consider creating a “Life Certificate”—a document that honors your loved one’s life, captures what made them special, and solidifies your enduring emotional connection with them. These aren’t signs you’re “stuck”—they’re healthy ways to honor the relationship while moving forward.

4. Establish meaningful rituals. Rituals help us manage extreme emotions and regain a sense of control when loss has shattered our world (Neimeyer, 2015). This might be visiting their grave on certain days, lighting a candle on their birthday, cooking their favorite meal on holidays, or creating new traditions that celebrate their life. Rituals don’t have to be elaborate—even small, consistent acts of remembrance can provide structure and meaning.

5. Use evocative language. It might sound harsh, but saying “my son died” rather than “I lost my son” actually helps your brain process the reality of what happened (Worden, 2010). The euphemisms we use, while gentler in the moment, can sometimes keep us from fully accepting what we need to eventually comprehend.

6. Practice self-compassion meditation. Research shows that meditation can reduce insomnia, improve concentration, and help manage the complex emotions associated with grief (Black & Slavich, 2016). Even five minutes of compassionate breathing can create space between you and overwhelming feelings. Apps like Insight Timer and Calm offer free guided meditations specifically for grief.

7. Map your support system. Create a visual representation of the people and resources available to you. Who can you call at 3 a.m.? Who brings you meals? Who just sits with you without trying to fix anything? Understanding your support network helps you know who to reach out to and for what (Neimeyer, 2015). And if your network feels sparse, that’s information too—it might be time to seek additional support through grief groups or counseling.

8. Connect with what’s bigger than grief. While grief can feel all-consuming, you are more than your grief. Connecting with your strengths, values, and the parts of your identity that remain intact can prevent complete immersion in loss (Neimeyer, 2015). This isn’t about denying grief—it’s about maintaining the perspective that you’re a whole person navigating a devastating experience, not just a grieving person.

9. Take care of your grieving self. Grief is exhausting work. Assess your current self-care honestly: Are you eating? Sleeping? Moving your body? Connecting with others? Grief often depletes us in multiple dimensions simultaneously. Brainstorm specific, achievable ways to care for yourself—perhaps it’s asking someone to bring groceries, taking a 10-minute walk, or simply giving yourself permission to rest (Worden, 2010).

10. Share your loss with others—when you’re ready. Talking about your grief, listening to others’ stories, and reflecting on these experiences can facilitate healing. But there’s no timeline for when you should be ready to share. Some people need to talk immediately; others need time to process privately first. Honor your own rhythm while remaining open to connection when it feels right (Neimeyer, 2015).

11. Use imagery to reconnect. When you’re ready, guided imagery can help you intentionally connect with the inner presence of your loved one. Close your eyes and imagine meeting them face-to-face. Tell them what you miss. Ask them what you need to know. Say goodbye for now. This isn’t about denial—it’s about accessing the ongoing bond you maintain with them even in their physical absence (Neimeyer, 2015).

12. Restore your broken mirror. Grief shatters us. Use the metaphor of a broken mirror to identify activities that will help you reassemble the pieces of yourself. You won’t be the same—cracks and gaps will remain, and the reflection will look different—but you can create something whole again, perhaps even more beautiful for having been broken and restored (Neimeyer, 2015).

Critical Resources for When Grief Becomes Overwhelming

If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts:

• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 (available 24/7)
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ+ youth): 1-866-488-7386

These aren’t signs of weakness. Grief can trigger profound despair, especially in the early weeks and months. One study found that approximately 10% of bereaved individuals experience intense, prolonged suffering that can last years (Currier et al., 2008). You’re not alone in feeling this way, and reaching out for help is one of the bravest things you can do.

For ongoing support:

• GriefShare: Faith-based support groups meeting nationwide (griefshare.org)
• The Compassionate Friends: Specifically for parents who have lost children (compassionatefriends.org)
• GRASP (Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing): For those who’ve lost someone to addiction or overdose (grasphelp.org)
• Open to Hope: Online community and resources (opentohope.com)
• What’s Your Grief: Practical, accessible grief education and community (whatsyourgrief.com)

Finding a therapist:

• Psychology Today therapist directory (psychologytoday.com/us/therapists)
• Your insurance provider’s directory
• Look specifically for therapists trained in grief counseling or complicated grief treatment
• If you reside in Utah, call Ascend Counseling & Wellness at 435-688-1111

The Family System Perspective: When Someone You Love Is Grieving

Watching someone you care about drown in grief is its own kind of helplessness. You want to fix it, to take away their pain, but you can’t. What you can do is show up, bear witness, and offer consistent, compassionate presence.

How to Support Someone in Grief

Don’t avoid them. People often pull away from those who are grieving because they don’t know what to say. The truth is, there’s nothing you can say that will make it better, and that’s okay. What matters is showing up. Send a text that says, “thinking of you today.” Drop off food. Offer to sit together in silence. Your presence matters more than your words.

Use direct language. Following Worden’s (2010) guidance, don’t be afraid to say “died” instead of “passed away” or “lost.” While it might feel uncomfortable, direct language actually helps the griever process reality.

Remember the long game. Everyone shows up in the first few weeks. Be the person who checks in at three months, six months, and a year. Grief doesn’t follow our social timelines, and the loneliest time is often when everyone else assumes you should be “over it.”

Offer specific help. “Let me know if you need anything” puts the burden on the griever. Instead, try: “I’m going to the store—what can I pick up for you?” or “I’m free Tuesday afternoon to help with yard work.”

Validate without fixing. When someone shares their pain, resist the urge to minimize it with platitudes like “they’re in a better place” or “everything happens for a reason.” Instead, try: “This is so hard. I’m here” or “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here to listen.”

Give them permission to grieve in their own way. Don’t impose expectations about how they should feel or when they should “move on.” Each person’s grief is shaped by their unique relationship, personality, and circumstances. Your role is to support their process, not dictate it (Neimeyer, 2015).

When to Encourage Professional Help

According to research, early high levels of distress are among the best predictors of later difficulties, suggesting the person is at risk for complicated grief (Worden, 2010). Watch for:

• Suicidal ideation or self-harm
• Inability to function in daily life (not eating, not sleeping, unable to work) lasting beyond the first few weeks
• Substance abuse as a coping mechanism
• Complete withdrawal from relationships and activities
• No oscillation—stuck entirely in either restoration or loss orientation
• Grief that intensifies rather than gradually softens over time

Complicated grief affects about 10% of bereaved individuals and can include prolonged, intense symptoms that interfere with the ability to re-engage with life (Currier et al., 2008). This isn’t weakness—it’s a sign that specialized grief therapy might be beneficial.

The Professional Perspective: Providing Competent Grief Support

As clinicians, we occupy a unique position in the grief process. We provide a safe container for emotions that might feel too overwhelming to share with family or friends. We normalize experiences that clients fear mean they’re “going crazy.” We offer evidence-based interventions while honoring the deeply individual nature of each person’s loss.

Effective Clinical Interventions

Assessment matters. Before jumping into interventions, assess where the client is in their grief process. Tools like the Hogan Grief Reaction Checklist (Hogan & Schmidt, 2016) can help evaluate current distress levels and indicators of complicated grief versus normal bereavement responses. Additionally, help clients analyze their own way of grieving by exploring how loss affects them physically, emotionally, cognitively, behaviorally, and spiritually. This multidimensional assessment normalizes the varied manifestations of grief.

Distinguish between counseling and therapy. Grief counseling facilitates normal grief reactions, helping clients move through Worden’s tasks of mourning within a reasonable timeframe (Worden, 2010). Grief therapy addresses complicated grief reactions—prolonged, delayed, exaggerated, or otherwise pathological responses that impair functioning. Knowing this distinction helps determine the appropriate level of care.

Timing is everything. While exceptions exist, grief counseling typically begins about a week after the funeral (Worden, 2010). The first 24 hours post-loss involve shock, logistics, and survival mode. Clients need time to surface before they can dive into the work of mourning. However, if a client reaches out in crisis earlier, meet them where they are.

Guide clients through the Four Tasks of Mourning. Use Worden’s (2010) framework systematically. Help them identify which task they’re currently working on and what concrete steps might move them forward. Task 1 involves accepting the reality—encourage them to talk about the loss using direct language. Task 2 means experiencing the pain—create space for full emotional expression. Task 3 requires adjusting to life without the deceased—problem-solve around new roles and responsibilities. Task 4 involves finding ways to memorialize while reinvesting in life—explore what they want for themselves now.

Facilitate structured journaling. Consider proposing a 40-day grief journaling commitment. This provides structure while allowing flexibility in what clients explore. Prompts might include: “What I miss most today,” “A memory I want to preserve,” “What I wish I had said,” or “How I’m taking care of myself.” The commitment itself becomes a ritual, and the accumulated entries create a tangible record of the journey (Neimeyer, 2015).

Help clients create a Life Certificate. This decisive intervention involves creating a document that honors the deceased person’s life—their values, impact, defining characteristics, and the legacy they leave behind. This process helps clients renegotiate their relationship with the deceased, moving from “they are gone” to “they lived, they mattered, and they remain part of my story” (Neimeyer, 2015).

Map the support system. Work with clients to create a visual representation—perhaps circles of support showing who provides what kind of help. This clarifies available resources and identifies gaps that might need to be filled through support groups, additional services, or expanded social connections (Neimeyer, 2015).

Normalize the right to grieve in their own way. Many clients feel pressure from family, culture, or internalized expectations about how they “should” grieve. Psychoeducation about the individual nature of grief and explicit permission to honor their own process can be profoundly relieving (Neimeyer, 2015).

Contextualize suffering within the human experience. While each person’s loss is unique, grief itself is universal. Help clients recognize that their suffering, while intensely personal, connects them to the broader human experience of love and loss. This can reduce feelings of isolation and abnormality (Neimeyer, 2015).

Use metaphor therapeutically. Ask clients: “If your grief were a landscape, what would it look like?” or “If you could describe this experience in one image, what would it be?” Metaphors access emotional truth that direct language sometimes can’t reach. The broken mirror metaphor, mentioned earlier, can help clients visualize both the shattering impact of loss and the possibility of reconstruction (Neimeyer, 2015).

Teach the distinction between avoidance and helpful distraction. Using the Dual Process Model, help clients understand that taking breaks from grief isn’t betrayal or denial—it’s necessary restoration. Work together to identify genuinely restorative activities (time with friends, hobbies, nature) versus numbing behaviors (excessive alcohol, compulsive work, complete isolation). The goal is intentional oscillation, not permanent escape (Stroebe & Schut, 1999).

Connect clients with what’s bigger than grief. Even in the midst of devastating loss, clients retain strengths, values, and aspects of identity. Help them reconnect with these anchors. What matters to them beyond this loss? What gives them meaning? This isn’t minimizing grief—it’s preventing complete identity fusion with the grieving process (Neimeyer, 2015).

Facilitate ritual creation. Work with clients to design meaningful rituals—visiting a special place on anniversaries, annual charitable donations in the deceased’s name, lighting candles, planting memorial gardens. Rituals provide structure, meaning, and active ways to maintain connection while honoring loss (Neimeyer, 2015).

Encourage sharing stories. Create opportunities for clients to tell stories about their loved one, to say their name out loud, and to share memories. For many grievers, others’ discomfort means the deceased becomes unspeakable. Your office should be a place where the person remains vividly alive in conversation (Neimeyer, 2015).

Assess and enhance self-care. Systematically review how clients are caring for themselves physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Grief depletes resources across all domains. Brainstorm specific, achievable self-care strategies and problem-solve around barriers. Sometimes permission to rest or to prioritize basic needs is itself therapeutic (Worden, 2010).

Use imagery work. Guided imagery exercises that help clients “meet” the deceased, say what was left unsaid, or revisit meaningful memories can facilitate both connection and closure (Neimeyer, 2015). This technique taps into our brain’s powerful visual processing capabilities and can be particularly helpful for working through unfinished business.

Incorporate body-based practices. The research on meditation and yoga for grief is compelling, showing reduced insomnia, improved concentration, and better emotional regulation (Black & Slavich, 2016; Desbordes et al., 2012). Teach clients simple breathwork or recommend gentle yoga classes designed for those in grief.

Facilitate letter writing. Writing to the deceased allows clients to express unsaid thoughts, articulate regrets, seek forgiveness, or simply say goodbye. These letters can be read aloud in session, kept private, or even symbolically delivered through burning or burial. The act of writing creates both expression and resolution (Neimeyer, 2015; Worden, 2010).

Employ role-play carefully. Empty chair work and other role-play techniques can be powerful for expressing unsaid words or working through complicated emotions toward the deceased (Worden, 2010). However, ensure the client is ready for this level of emotional engagement.

Educate about the Dual Process Model. Normalize the oscillation between grief and restoration activities (Stroebe & Schut, 1999). Clients often feel guilty when they have “good” moments or need breaks from grieving. Psychoeducation about this model can be profoundly relieving.

Managing Countertransference and Self-Care

Working with grief can activate our own losses and fears. Regular supervision, personal therapy, and honest self-reflection about our triggers are essential. Notice when you want to rush a client through their pain or when you’re avoiding specific topics. These reactions contain crucial information about our own work.

Conclusion: Holding Space for Hope

Grief transforms us. It marks a clear before and after in our lives. But here’s what I’ve witnessed again and again in my work: people don’t “get over” profound loss, but they do learn to integrate it. They find ways to carry their loved one forward while building meaningful lives. They discover that honoring the past and embracing the future aren’t mutually exclusive.

If you’re in the depths of grief right now, please know that what you’re feeling—however intense, however strange—is part of the human experience of love and loss. You have the right to grieve in your own way. Reach out. Use the resources. Give yourself permission to both grieve and to take breaks from grieving. Be patient with yourself. Healing isn’t linear, and it doesn’t mean forgetting.

If you’re supporting someone in grief, your consistent, compassionate presence is more powerful than you know. Keep showing up. Keep saying their loved one’s name. Keep holding space for the reality that grief is love’s other face. And remember—you can’t fix their pain, but you can walk alongside them through it.

And if you’re a professional working with bereaved clients, thank you for holding space for one of life’s most difficult passages. Your work matters profoundly. Continue refining your skills, seeking supervision, and taking care of yourself so you can continue offering this sacred service.

Grief is the price we pay for love, and while that price can feel unbearably high, it’s also a testament to the depth of our connections. In honoring our losses, we ultimately honor what—and who—matters most.

Ascend Counseling and Wellness – ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111 – kevin@ascendcw.com

---

References

American Cancer Society. (2019). Hospice care. https://www.cancer.org/treatment/end-of-life-care/hospice-care.html

American Psychological Association. (2022). Grief. In APA dictionary of psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/grief

Black, D. S., & Slavich, G. M. (2016). Mindfulness meditation and the immune system: A systematic review of randomized controlled trials. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1373(1), 13–24. https://doi.org/10.1111/nyas.12998

Brown, E. J. (2021). Complicated grief. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/grief/complicated

Currier, J. M., Neimeyer, R. A., & Berman, J. S. (2008). The effectiveness of psychotherapeutic interventions for bereaved persons: A comprehensive quantitative review. Psychological Bulletin, 134(5), 648–661. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.134.5.648

Davies, B. (2013). Supporting families in palliative care. In B. R. Ferrell & N. Coyle (Eds.), Oxford textbook of palliative nursing (4th ed., pp. 613–627). Oxford University Press.

Desbordes, G., Negi, L. T., Pace, T. W., Wallace, B. A., Raison, C. L., & Schwartz, E. L. (2012). Effects of mindful-attention and compassion meditation training on amygdala response to emotional stimuli in an ordinary, non-meditative state. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 6, Article 292. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2012.00292

Hogan, N. S., & Schmidt, L. A. (2016). An overview of the Hogan Grief Reaction Checklist: Applications for researchers and clinicians. OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying, 73(2), 89–102. https://doi.org/10.1177/0030222815598099

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan.

Myers, A. E., & Donley, A. M. (2022). COVID-19 and online memorial culture. OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying, 85(1), 231–251. https://doi.org/10.1177/00302228211039784

Neimeyer, R. A. (Ed.). (2015). Techniques of grief therapy: Assessment and intervention. Routledge.

Robinson, S., & Pond, R. (2019). “Do I deserve to feel better?” Deservingness as a barrier to accessing online support for complicated grief. OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying, 79(4), 343–364. https://doi.org/10.1177/0030222817715983

Rogalla, K. B. (2020). Anticipatory grief, proactive coping, social support, and growth: Exploring positive experiences of preparing for loss. OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying, 82(1), 107–129. https://doi.org/10.1177/0030222818761461

Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046

Worden, J. W. (2010). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (4th ed.). Springer.